RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

[Quanta]

Came to the realization the other day that I don't trust anyone, to the point where I can't even make food because my dad is always sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and I don't want him to see me making breakfast or whatever the fuck. Also don't want to ask him to take me shopping or anything because I don't trust him to say yes.

I guess the big thing is that I don't trust other people to just, like, let me live my life and stuff. I dunno.

[Perpetual Motion]

So, I think my meds are doing... something, but I'm not sure if it's something I want. These last few weeks, I've just been emotionally dead. Not sad, not happy, just dead. I got an interview? That's okay, I guess. Doesn't really do much for me, though. I don't get the job? That sucks, but whatever.

What's interesting(?) is that this has shown me that my anxiety exists independent of my base emotional state. I can still feel just as anxious about things while not feeling particularly happy or sad or whatever. And that sucks. Anxiety is even more paralyzing when you can't muster the emotional power to push past it. Apathy is no motivation for anything. I can't even muster the emotional strength to be frustrated with this. Frustration would be a good motivator right about now.

[Madeline]

I see why rude assholes like to show up and demand to be seen first: because it works. Apparently “my kids act out at school and I demand to go first” beats “tried to commit suicide,” because I now have to sit here for over an hour waiting. Because these parents demanded to be seen first even though I was here first.

Hey, mom & dad: I can tell you why your kids act out for free. It’s because you’re loud, screaming assholes who don’t think rules should apply to you. Also, if the county took away your ability to decide for your kids, that’s probably a good thing.

I’m sorry, I am just out of fucks to give this morning. This is why I hate dealing with this bullshit in the first place.

[Perrydotto]

Giving hugs to everyone who needs them. I'm glad y'all are here, and not giving up.

[Madeline]

Therapist get. I have appointments on the 20th, 25th (for med evaluation), and 26th.

[Mr. Big]

Woot! You're making progress!

[Perrydotto]

Way to go, Madeline

[Princess Flufflebutt]

Aw, heck yeah!

[Madeline]

I regret giving away my kits now. I’ve run through most of my watchlist, and I’m not supppised to be too active outside of exercise right now. I’m not supposed to be doing much of anything for a while. I could’ve used something to do other than “watch movies and cartoons, read comics, walk and exercise.” Whoops.

[Kronos]

Got let go from my job after only a month - the boss said he thought I was a great guy but despite doing everything asked of me, somehow I wasn't 'learning the job' fast enough as would be necessary.

At least it wasn't a shitshow like the last job back in February since this was legit work experience and the boss said he'd gladly write a recomendation letter for my next job.

But at this point, I think I'm going to change careers - two years trying to get into tech and this somehow blindsided me completely as I thought I was doing fine at this job. Question is, what to go into next because I need a stable job and my computer tech degree is pretty much worthless now.

[Madeline]

God fucking dammit. My brother bought me a new kit to assemble and I spent ten hours painting, detailing, and assembling the thing. Right before I was done, I managed to lose one of the pieces that holds the waist together. It flew off when I clipped it off the runner and I can’t find it. I spent an hour searching my room with a flashlight, but it’s gone. So all that time, money, and effort seems like even more of a waste than it would be normally, and he can’t afford to buy me another one, nor would I ask. I know it’s a small thing, but it still makes me feel like a worthless failure who fucks up every single thing I try.

I can’t afford to buy another one and I can’t get the piece replaced because he didn’t get the kit new. A cynical person would have always seen it as a box of worthless plastic trash, but that’s what it is now anyway. I’m so goddamned sick of watching movies and TV and I want to do things, but everything else just stresses me the fuck out or I suck at it and fail.

[Mir]

Madeline, I know it FEELS like it's your fault, but it's not.
This is the sort of thing that can happen to anyone.
Your brother got you this kit because he cares about you. Cause he wanted to bring you some happiness and give you something to do. It's not trash. It gave you ten hours of entertainment.
And the piece isn't gone, like you said, it must be in your room somewhere, so maybe it'll still show up.
You'll probably step on it barefoot or sit on it when you least suspect it, because that's just what little plastic parts do.
It's frustrating. it is. but please don't use that as an excuse to beat yourself up.

[Madeline]

I know I shouldn’t beat myself up. I don’t think they should have discharged me from the crisis center when they did, because I wasn’t ready. But my insurance wouldn’t cover any more days, so they had to discharge me. I had a really bad night last night and now I feel about like I did when I went in. The low dose of Prazosin that I’m taking doesn’t stop the flashbacks or nightmares once I get anxious enough over something. But I can’t get it adjusted until the 20th.

[Madeline]

I’m doing a little bit better this week. I still felt down on Sunday and Monday, but yesterday I took a lot of time to just lay down when I felt stressed and did some breathing exercises. That helped a lot and I’d recommend that to anyone who is anxious or has PTSD and needs to stay grounded in the present. Today has been okay so far and I see my primary care physician in a bit so I can get more help or advice if I need it.

[Erythema]

Still having a lot of problems with procrastination. It's particularly paralyzing when the task is something large and with higher stakes. The good news is that I might be turning this around.

It's pretty simple, actually. Make promises and keep them. Start simple, start small. Just the act of fulfilling a promise is is own reward as it basically communicates to yourself that you can do something after all. Not only that but giving yourself something to do also gets you accustomed to being productive. This is definitely something you want to build habitual inertia in. Right now I hold promises for two people. One entails catching up on one friend's fanfic and the other is about translating the new MLP episodes from English to Spanish (and yes, I've checked. Spanish subtitles for these newer episodes aren't available as of yet).

Strangely enough, just being here seems to help. Erythema is but one of my MLP OCs but with this name and avatar, I can't help but think and act more like her. Weird as it is, I'm not going to refuse something if it proves helpful, especially as my situation gets ever more desperate.

[Madeline]

I’ve got my first appointment with my new therapist tomorrow. I’m a little nervous because I don’t want to screw it up this time.

[Mr. Big]

Good luck! That's a good start!

[Perrydotto]

Tell them about exactly those feelings, and whatever else is on your mind. See if you're a good fit with the person. Just don't hold back, be honest. You're on a good path.

[Quanta]

So I just got back from my psychologist appointment and, well, he seems out of ideas on how to help me. His big suggestion this time was that I get rid of my computer and phone for 6 months (not just "reduce use", but "get rid of"), and I just don't have the language to describe to this old man what an unreasonable and impossible task doing even one or the other would be, nevermind both of them.

What makes it even more gut-wrenching is that I'm sitting there in his office with a thousand-yard stare, trying to put into words how I'm feeling at that exact moment, how I don't really trust anyone anymore, how I don't even trust my friends not to grow tired and abandon me if I open up to them, and he just goes "that might be true" rather than challenging these assumptions. Then he's putting it to me whether I want to book another appointment, and all I can think is "what's the point?"

I have no idea what to do anymore.

[Momo]

What about getting rid of your phone and computer is unreasonable or impossible? Has he made any kind of case for why he believes those things are contributing to your issues, or how cutting them out of your life would help?

[Madeline]

Tell them about exactly those feelings, and whatever else is on your mind. See if you're a good fit with the person. Just don't hold back, be honest. You're on a good path.

I’m not sure if she’s a good fit or not. She told me to tell her if she made me uncomfortable or if her suggestions weren’t helpful, and I liked that. But she also started in on “you need a job and to be independent” and that stressed me out really badly. We ran out of time but I’ll tell her next week. I have to look at those things as goals because otherwise I feel like I’m expected to do those things right now and succeed right away, and that’s where the trouble always starts for me. I’m hopeful that was what she meant, but if it’s not, I’m going to need to see someone else, because I need a lot of help to get to that point. She said she doesn’t want me jumping in at the deep end and would like me to make small improvements, though, so it is probably just me being anxious and scared. (Scared undersells it. I was terrified the whole time I was there. )

[Princess Flufflebutt]

You did good either way! Telling her next time is a good idea. I'm rooting for you!

[Quanta]

What about getting rid of your phone and computer is unreasonable or impossible? Has he made any kind of case for why he believes those things are contributing to your issues, or how cutting them out of your life would help?

He believes they're addicting, and that they're distracting me from getting better. I take issue with that for a couple of reasons:

1) the phone, as well as social media like Facebook, are the last lingering connections I have to my old friends or any form of social contact with another human being that isn't a blood relative; without those things, I'm completely socially isolated, and we're trying to avoid that by getting me out of the house. I don't see it as particularly helpful that the way to make connections with other people is to make it harder for them to get in touch with you,

2) despite being "on the computer" a lot, I don't get much use out of it. Whether it's social anxiety preventing me from engaging with people over the internet, or my own sense of guilt preventing me from just letting myself relax and play a game or something, a lot of my time on the computer is basically spent switching between the same tabs or checking my Twitter feed, or maybe I'll put on a Twitch stream if someone I like to watch is streaming. Like, if I use the computer to do something I enjoy, it was only because I was able to ignore the voice in my head that tells me that my focus should *really* be elsewhere that, no, it's okay, it's fine, it's just a movie, it's not a big deal, we were just going to click between the same two tabs anyways, what's the big fucking deal?

Like, I feel that framing my computer usage in the language of addiction, as opposed to assuaging my concerns that literally everything I try to do is a distraction from what *really matters* (whatever the fuck my brain thinks that's supposed to be) is of absolutely no benefit. Like, in my mind, if I can't even do a simple streaming of Breath of the Wild on Twitch because I'm worried that I *might* have to deal with a shithead in my chat or something, the idea that I'm supposed to go somewhere IRL and talk to people is equally absurd. Like, even in my comfort zone, the very notion of having to deal with a problematic stranger is enough to dissuade me from doing something that might actually be helpful to me.

What sucks more is that I try to tell my doctor about this kind of shit, but he's so dismissive of the tech angle that there's just no point in talking to him about it. Like, he doesn't understand that the problems I'm trying to deal with in my life apply to both online and offline interactions, he only cares about the one.

[Madeline]

After thinking about it over night, I’m thinking I should ask to see someone else. She has no experience with LGBT patients and I’m tired of having to deal with mental health people who don’t have any experience like that. Plus she made me feel defensive and uncomfortable.

[Madeline]

Sorry to double post again. Last night was bad, as in am-I-even-taking-anything-for-this bad. I thought I was having a heart attack, but then the flashbacks just kept on coming.

I don’t know why this new therapist thinks I should be organizing a Meetup group when I’m afraid of A) phones and B) strangers. I feel like she was reading from a script the whole time, just like almost every other counselor I’ve met. “Go to church, Meetup.com, get a job.” These things are hard for me! I need help so I can eventually do things like that without my heart rate going past 120 and without diarrhea! Aren’t they supposed to be trained for this?

Why is everything so hard. All I want is someone to work one on one with me for a little while so I can get used to them and work on things that get me to the point where I can do them. But everyone treats me like I’m either some kind of super extrovert or a liar, and I don’t know how to prove I’m not either one.

[Quanta]

I don’t know why this new therapist thinks I should be organizing a Meetup group when I’m afraid of A) phones and B) strangers. I feel like she was reading from a script the whole time, just like almost every other counselor I’ve met. “Go to church, Meetup.com, get a job.” These things are hard for me! I need help so I can eventually do things like that without my heart rate going past 120 and without diarrhea! Aren’t they supposed to be trained for this?

You typically can't get over an anxiety or phobia without some sort of exposure to the thing you're anxious/afraid of, so if you want to get over a fear of strangers, you're going to have to find something to do with your time that involves being around strangers, possibly involving some basic interaction. Your doctors/counselors know this and will float ideas to you with the goal of getting you to do something to challenge the anxiety. You don't have to follow that exact idea though, and they honestly can't come up with a tailor-made solution because they're unlikely to have any idea what you're like outside of their office beyond what you tell them, and their own experiences and training also inform what they might suggest.

You, on the other hand, know the kind of stuff that you like, and you know the kind of things you like to do, or would like to get involved with, so at some point, you do end up becoming the architect of your own recovery. If Meetup.com isn't your style, then think of something else. Myself, for instance, I have 2 comic shops within walking distance (a 3rd involves a bus ride, but the bus goes practically to my doorstep), so Friday Night Magic is certainly an option if I'm willing to get myself to leave the house and go to these places (and I have ~$10), and all I'd have to do is play cards and maybe chat a bit with people. I could also go to the library and read books, or there's an art studio near my home that I could just drop in and do some drawing, maybe pursue a class. And I mean, I could do a lot of these things at home anyway, but the point is to, uhm, not do that.

[Madeline]

I should just be direct in the first place. I don’t want to see this woman because she isn’t the therapist I picked. I didn’t want to go to the crisis ward, I hated being there, and their network doesn’t allow you any choice in therapists. You get assigned to the first person with an opening. And this network specializes in rehab and family counseling. So I screwed myself over by melting down when I did at the end of last month, literally the week I was supposed to get back in touch with the therapist I wanted. I’m mad at myself and I’m mad at my primary care physician for sending me to that place and I’m mad because I always end up in situations where I have no say or control over what happens to me entirely because I make bad choices and am a doormat. I’m not mad at anybody here, so I apologize for dumping out here.

I should just say things directly like that instead of trying to find nice-sounding ways to rationalize and justify my gut feelings. Even if my feelings are wrong, hurtful, or bad sometimes, they’re still my feelings and I’m going to own them from now on. That seems to be a healthier way of dealing with them instead of repressing them or putting a flimsy rationalization on top of them and then just letting the bad feelings fester away inside because I don’t like to talk about them. Unpacking trauma might be hurtful or irresponsible, but I can’t pretend that I’m doing okay when it’s a lie. That’s how I got into this mess in the first place, because I was dishonest with myself and everyone else about how I felt about a number of things. Rationally I know there’s an excellent chance I’m in the wrong with this therapist, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. I’ll feel different in the morning. $50 says I’ll regret making this post. Don’t take those odds. I regret making every post, often before I finish writing them

[West Filly]

If we're being blunt about how we feel, I'll do the same with how I feel about reading this:

I'm worried that you'll run away from therapist A and then stop before finding a new therapist, going to the therapist you wanted to see, or making any improvement. It'll leave you in the exact place you were before your crisis. I'm not saying don't do that or stick this therapist out, because what you do is your choice. Even doing what I'm worried you might do is a choice. I just wanted to present you with the possibility that you could be sticking yourself in a rut, or worse, a cycle that points back to crisis.

I know there are gentler ways to phrase that, or ways to put it as a series of questions instead of statements that make assumptions, but it's not my job to do this properly.

[Madeline]

If we're being blunt about how we feel, I'll do the same with how I feel about reading this:

I'm worried that you'll run away from therapist A and then stop before finding a new therapist, going to the therapist you wanted to see, or making any improvement. It'll leave you in the exact place you were before your crisis. I'm not saying don't do that or stick this therapist out, because what you do is your choice. Even doing what I'm worried you might do is a choice. I just wanted to present you with the possibility that you could be sticking yourself in a rut, or worse, a cycle that points back to crisis.

I know there are gentler ways to phrase that, or ways to put it as a series of questions instead of statements that make assumptions, but it's not my job to do this properly.

No, that’s fair. I appreciate the bluntness, actually.

I don’t know what to do. I have to remind myself how much I hated feeling the way I did in the crisis center to get myself to do anything at all. I am not anywhere near being emotionally stable enough to make big decisions right now anyway. I still swing between feeling awful and feeling listless and unwilling to do anything. I am obviously still unwell and I have to be careful.

[Madeline]

I guess I shouldn’t try to own feelings, because I’m almost always wrong. And I hate admitting this. My goal in every interpersonal interaction is to get out of it as fast as possible, so I don’t open my mouth and say something dumb, because otherwise I embarrasss myself. Of course, with the internet, I have the ability to make a permanent record of dumb things I’ve said, so if we’re being honest, I’m always afraid to post here because I know everyone else is smarter and more talented than I am, and I always worry that people are laughing at me where I can’t see it. Or, worse, that I’m so toxic that they avoid me. Or, worst of all, that I’m so fucking boring that nobody notices me at all.

[Madeline]

Yeah, I’m going tot are the silence as confirmation that I just make this thread board worse. Sorry. It won’t happen ever again.

[Mr. Big]

Honestly, I know that feeling, to the point that nowadays I try to be extremely careful about what I type, not wanting to come off like a dork (it doesn't always work that way, alas). There's nothing wrong with being careful about what you write, and double checking, but it's also not helpful if you get extremely paranoid about what you write.

Others can explain better, but that's my short thought on that.

Also, you're not making the board worse. You're one of my favorite posters in this place. if you need one.

[Quanta]

Yeah, I’m going tot are the silence as confirmation that I just make this thread board worse. Sorry. It won’t happen ever again.

You can't present a bunch of negative thoughts to people and then use the lack of response to those thoughts as confirmation that they're true, that's completely absurd. I mean, let's go over them:

I guess I shouldn’t try to own feelings, because I’m almost always wrong.

How is this true?

My goal in every interpersonal interaction is to get out of it as fast as possible, so I don’t open my mouth and say something dumb, because otherwise I embarrasss myself.

How can you predict the outcome? How do you know how the other person is going to react to what you say or do?

Of course, with the internet, I have the ability to make a permanent record of dumb things I’ve said, so if we’re being honest, I’m always afraid to post here because I know everyone else is smarter and more talented than I am, and I always worry that people are laughing at me where I can’t see it.

What evidence do you have that these things are true and/or happening?

Or, worse, that I’m so toxic that they avoid me.

What's your evidence for this?

Or, worst of all, that I’m so fucking boring that nobody notices me at all.

Or this?

Also, most importantly, what's your counter-evidence? I mean, I know that you're going to be able to come up with reasons why these thoughts are true, so you should also spend time debunking them and analyzing why they're bullshit.

[diribigal]

I guess I shouldn’t try to own feelings, because I’m almost always wrong. And I hate admitting this.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Mental illness is an illness, and needs treatment just like any medical issue. I bet you wouldn't beat yourself up for not being able to diagnose/treat some infection you had. Introspection is like one of the most impossible things because of the way our minds work.

Yeah, I’m going tot are the silence as confirmation that I just make this thread board worse.

This is distorted thinking.

I often don't post in this thread because I am not a trained professional and am not qualified to respond to most mental health posts with the care they deserve/without risking making things worse.

Sometimes I or others just don't know what to say, or don't have the time to get into a dialogue to challenge distorted thinking (a forum is a terrible substitute for a real time conversation when that's appropriate).


Finally, and most importantly since it encompasses the million reasons I haven't thought of, the traffic to these forums is low and the traffic to this thread is lower. Even if the X people who read this thread semi regularly all would be in a position to say exactly what you are hoping to hear, random chance and differing schedules mean they might not be able to say it when you were hoping to hear it.

Exploiting the lack of traffic/qualifications of the people who read this thread to jump to negative conclusions is not being fair to yourself. It's not as serious as what the phrase usually refers to, but I'd say it's in the same ballpark as "digital self-harm". You deserve better than this from yourself.

I think you know it, too. For this, and some of the other things you've said in your post, remember that you said

I say things to myself that I would never say to another person.

The next time you want to attack yourself, try to imagine what it would be like to say them to another person, or what you would be making that person feel. I don't actually know how safe this would be so I'd recommend consulting with your therapist before doing more than trying this out a little.

[diribigal]

To anyone: In case my post comes off as negative, feel free to let me know by PM or anonymous email to my username at gmail.

Anyway, I'm reading everything and rooting for everyone here.

[Erythema]

It seems as though when something terrible happens, you suffer less if you stop trying to reject the pain. This could either be from an awful memory or to the present circumstances. I'm feeling quite tired but I still have work to do. By accepting that I am feeling spent but need to finish my task, I can stop moaping about it.

[Madeline]

CW: rape

You can't present a bunch of negative thoughts to people and then use the lack of response to those thoughts as confirmation that they're true, that's completely absurd. I mean, let's go over them:

How is this true?

How can you predict the outcome? How do you know how the other person is going to react to what you say or do?

What evidence do you have that these things are true and/or happening?

What's your evidence for this?

Or this?

Also, most importantly, what's your counter-evidence? I mean, I know that you're going to be able to come up with reasons why these thoughts are true, so you should also spend time debunking them and analyzing why they're bullshit.

I do have counter-evidence in the form of many nice posts people have written to me, but my behavior was also set by my childhood, just like everybody else. And I was the weird creepy kid desperate to be liked whom you could make cry very easily, so I got beaten up and had my schoolbooks tossed in the toilet and all kinds of slurs thrown at me on a regular basis. Somebody I considered to be my best friend at the time raped me. I understand that I can’t stay isolated forever, but as of right now, I still get triggered and have flashbacks just from hearing people laugh in public, among other things.

I mean, that’s why I wanted to see someone who had experience with both treating trauma and LGBTQA patients, and why I’m frustrated that I got a regular counselor instead. Especially since I didn’t feel like we had any kind of rapport at all. I didn’t have this problem with the people at the crisis center, who were very kind and helpful even when getting me to do things that I hated (like group). But everyone just tells me to suck it up, here and at home, and I feel like people don’t really give a shit about me, even if that’s untrue and unfair. Instead, people assume I’m just going to give up or fail, which dispirited the fuck out of me. I’m doing the best I can right now. I’m not giving up. I’d like to ask people to at least try to give me the benefit of the doubt.

I’m sorry to everyone for my behavior. I would also like to point out that I just got out of a psych ward 3 weeks ago, and my antidepressants have failed so badly that the nurse practitioner changed up my meds yet again today. Yes, I shouldn’t be beating myself up. But I’m not going to feel perfect right away.

And yeah, I know I need to find a new digital home, because this one is pretty much dead. But I don’t really like Discord, which feels like a giant step backwards to AOL chat rooms, and I refuse to use reddit, Facebook, or Twitter, because they’ve pretty much ruined public discourse and let Nazis and Russian oligarchs take over the conversation. I don’t think I’m going to bother looking for a new place online any more. I guess at some point I’ll just vanish and hopefully people won’t assume the worst.

I’m really sorry to everybody. I don’t know what else to say.

[Madeline]

Apologies for the double post (again). I did what I should have done last week and explained to her why I felt uncomfortable last week in as non-confrontational a way as possible. She was more than willing to listen and told me that the patients who are more likely to fail are the ones who never tell anyone what doesn’t work for them. She said that as long as I’m making an effort, she doesn’t care if I would choose to do something that does work for me over a suggestion that doesn’t work for me. So I should have just done that in the first place, and I’m giving this a try.

Not blaming anyone for being skeptical based on my personal and posting history. I get it. But I am doing this, and I am going to make it work.

[Quanta]

That's pretty great. Glad things went well.

[Madeline]

That's pretty great. Glad things went well.

Thank you! I’m sorry to you (and also to diribgal, if he’s reading this). I hope you can work something out with your psychiatrist.