RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Mon Jan 21, 2019 7:51 pm

I’m doing my best to ignore Valentine’s Day, like I do every year. It’s not fun for any lonely person and it’s probably not that great for people in relationships, either, because capitalism has turned it into another occasion to pressure people to spend.

Perpetual Motion · Post by **Perpetual Motion** (?) » Mon Jan 21, 2019 8:00 pm

I really need to figure out a way to keep myself occupied. I've done all I can on other projects (unless I want to psych myself up to try writing again, which is a whole other can of worm), so I'm just sitting around doing nothing and it's not good for my mood. I'm just ruminating all day, which just isn't healthy. No idea what to do about that, though.

Princess Flufflebutt · Post by **Princess Flufflebutt** (?) » Mon Jan 21, 2019 8:59 pm

A small project maybe? Walking? Cleaning? Dancing like no one's watching? Draw stick figure comics?

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Wed Jan 23, 2019 9:58 am

Lately, I guess, I feel I'm not as well-liked as I wish to admit. Remember when Twitter had that poll that became a meme for a while, where choices were "friend/mutual/crush/intimidating" and some such? I think only one person voted crush, while a good chunk (can't remember the exact number) said intimidating

I know that was a joke poll and should not be taken seriously, but I won't lie, that kinda hurt. Made me wonder, am I just that unlikable?

I'm trying to overcome that this year, after I realized I was too focused on working last year and not paying much attention to my friends. Trying to be more open about myself

In some ways, I feel a bit better, but in other ways, it's just making me feel worse about my anxious feelings.

I dunno. I guess, at least once, I want someone to tell me they love me, even if they're being non-romantic and platonic about it.

(?) · Post by **Perrydotto** (?) » Wed Jan 23, 2019 3:25 pm

I know I mentioned this before, but with you being more open about your feelings and state of being (which is a good thing around people you trust!), I think I should emphasize it a bit more: I really do think you would benefit from professional help in this area. Pushing yourself to adress your issues and become more open with people you trust is a great step, and I applaud you for it, but it can easily get overwhelming when you struggle with crippling thoughts about yourself and your actions. Speaking from my own experience, a ton of energy goes away just from battling all the second-guessing and worries, and it leaves little for the actual self-improvement you want to do. There are many different ways to process and cope with these things, but it can be really beneficial to have an impartial, skilled person help you with that. You already notice your negative perception of self is affecting your behaviour and as a result the way people perceive you, and that's a spiral that can be really tough to break out of, because it can easily reinforce those negative thoughts about yourself. There is no shame in seeing a professional about anxiety and issues of self-worth, absolutely not.

Rooting for you in any case

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Thu Jan 24, 2019 6:31 am

Mr. Big wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 23, 2019 9:58 am
Lately, I guess, I feel I'm not as well-liked as I wish to admit. Remember when Twitter had that poll that became a meme for a while, where choices were "friend/mutual/crush/intimidating" and some such? I think only one person voted crush, while a good chunk (can't remember the exact number) said intimidating

I know that was a joke poll and should not be taken seriously, but I won't lie, that kinda hurt. Made me wonder, am I just that unlikable?

I'm trying to overcome that this year, after I realized I was too focused on working last year and not paying much attention to my friends. Trying to be more open about myself

In some ways, I feel a bit better, but in other ways, it's just making me feel worse about my anxious feelings.

I dunno. I guess, at least once, I want someone to tell me they love me, even if they're being non-romantic and platonic about it.

I love my friends, including you

I’m sorry. I should say that more often.

Personal notes: I haven’t felt up to doing a whole lot of socializing lately. Sometimes I’ll be up for it and excited, and then I feel physically hungover from it and don’t want to talk as much. Yesterday was definitely a quieter day. Today might be too.

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Thu Jan 24, 2019 8:43 am

Just want to give a quick thanks to you two. I'll take that into heart and see what i can do

Bigdog · Post by **Bigdog** (?) » Thu Jan 24, 2019 12:34 pm

Mr. Big wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 23, 2019 9:58 am
Lately, I guess, I feel I'm not as well-liked as I wish to admit. Remember when Twitter had that poll that became a meme for a while, where choices were "friend/mutual/crush/intimidating" and some such? I think only one person voted crush, while a good chunk (can't remember the exact number) said intimidating

I know that was a joke poll and should not be taken seriously, but I won't lie, that kinda hurt. Made me wonder, am I just that unlikable?

I don't know the whole context of that meme and how the polls were presented but it occurs to me that people can be 'intimidating' for a lot of different reasons. Artistic talent and (relative) success with one's art, for example, can feel intimidating to those who have neither.

I get that you'd obviously rather not socially intimidate people at all but I wouldn't translate it into 'unlikeable' or 'not viewed as a good person'

Princess Flufflebutt · Post by **Princess Flufflebutt** (?) » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:08 pm

Me and some pals did a little D&D thing tonight. I did some preparations to make myself more assertive. Even then I find myself talked over. Even when I'm like a sentence in. It's getting tired. Hell, I made a charismatic bard. Can I at least pretend to be that?

I dunno.

edit: Something about the last few days have felt off somehow and that just kinda got to me last night.

Perpetual Motion · Post by **Perpetual Motion** (?) » Sat Jan 26, 2019 11:34 pm

Went with my dad and sister to a local bar's open mic night, and watched both of them perform. They're both insanely talented musicians, and it was great to see them just mess around and have fun. But at the same time it just leaves me feeling bitter about my own lack of talents. Like, I can kinda code good? But I don't want to have to do that for a living. The tech industry devours lives whole, and I'm too fragile to cut it in that field. So what, then? I still can't shake the dream of being a writer, but I've pushed myself into dangerous places trying to force that, too. I just want to feel valuable and useful. As it stands, I'm just a waste of space. I can't figure out what to do.

Perpetual Motion · Post by **Perpetual Motion** (?) » Sun Jan 27, 2019 5:03 pm

To complicate matters, I came across this article the other day, and it's kinda messing me up. Every symptom listed fits me perfectly, and it even identified how my parents treated me as a child and how that probably affected me. But what exactly do I do with this knowledge? Confronting my parents about it is pointless, since their mistakes are a decade+ old at this point, and I don't want to drag any animosity into the family. I'll definitely talk with my therapist about it, but beyond that I'm still lost.

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Wed Jan 30, 2019 6:13 pm

Never mind, a bad idea to post when I’m angry.

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Wed Jan 30, 2019 7:12 pm

goodbye

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Thu Jan 31, 2019 11:23 am

I’m sorry. I ran out of my anxiety meds yesterday and didn’t get to take them on time. I got paranoid and had a huge meltdown over nothing much. In a weird way I suppose this makes a good argument for the efficacy of medication during the early part of therapy?

(?) · Post by **Perrydotto** (?) » Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:25 pm

It's alright.

In the future, maybe have a reminder on your computer or phone to help you keep track of your meds? Keeping track of them without any tools can be pretty tough, I know I've slipped up myself. Be well and safe, and remember you are appreciated and supported.

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:30 pm

I second Perry on having a reminder app. There's a variety you can choose from, depending on the kind of browser/phone you use.

Stay safe, Madeline!

Smoke · Post by **Smoke** (?) » Fri Feb 01, 2019 8:02 am

So, a while ago before the forums crash I made a massive post about some very nasty people in my life. Here's the thing though: One of them got in touch with me earlier this week via e-mail with a big apology for their behavior of the past few years, as it turns out they went through a depression recently and are still recovering, and had been doing some thinking about their own actions and how it must have looked to me.

I don't know if I want to respond, or even what to say. It's been almost four years since we last spoke, and a lot has happened since then. Not to mention that Aline isn't even considering any kind of forgiveness because of the way she was treated (but there was an apology about that as well, saying they never gave her a fair chance) and I can see her point.

On the other hand, this is a person who was my best friend for quite some time and we did a whole lot of stuff together that was good, it's only in more recent years(starting around 2010) that they changed as they explained in the mail.

(?) · Post by **Perrydotto** (?) » Fri Feb 01, 2019 2:03 pm

This is entirely up to you. Nobody here knows the people involved as well as you do, and only you can truly judge what feels right. I just generally recommend being very, very careful about giving people who hurt you badly a second chance. Not because holding grudges is good or anything, but because it's really important to understand how you ended up that person's victim the first time, and whether you can trust yourself not to fall for potential manipulation and abuse again. You're not dumb or gullible, but people we've been close with for so long usually have a way of getting to us, especially if they've also picked up abusive tendencies over time. The smartest and nicest folks can fall victim to these things because when you want to be kind to someone you care about, it's way harder to put the foot down and keep them away. It also doesn't help that good and lovely people can become abusive, and that acknowledging the mistakes alone doesn't make those people capable of acting healthily again. Especially if serious mental health issues are involved, it can be tremendously difficult for the perpetrator to see the forest for the trees. They might truly believe they are doing better and would never do this again, but you have no insight into how much they've worked on this (with professional help in particular), and how truly aware they are of their potential to abuse again.

I'd also like to say that depression alone doesn't make someone abusive - It can be a factor, it cannot be, it really depends on the circumstances. It's just very rarely a sole reason for abusive behaviour, and it's absolutely never an excuse.

Again, nobody can tell you what to do. All I'd like to do is caution you, and to keep your personal safety and mental health protected above all else. Sometimes, doing that can really hurt, and it's a path nobody likes going on. But at the same time, you don't owe that person forgiveness, even if you deeply sympathize with their pain. Again, someone can be a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. Someone can have given us great memories while also having hurt us deeply. I really truly hope this person is doing better and getting help. The question is just whether it's a healthy and good idea for you to be involved in that process, now or later. It's up to you how to handle this, but please always keep yourself safe and be kind to yourself, no matter what you feel is right.

Perpetual Motion · Post by **Perpetual Motion** (?) » Sun Feb 03, 2019 3:33 pm

I wish my ideas were worth anything. All I can ever do is start something interesting. I never have the ability to follow through on it. I just run out of steam and realize that all I had was a basic premise with no way of fleshing it out at all. I don't know how to finish anything, because everything I come up with is always just half-baked. What good am I to anyone if I can't make anything right? All the aspirations and dreams in the world don't mean jack if I don't have the basic ability necessary to follow through on anything.

Smoke · Post by **Smoke** (?) » Mon Feb 04, 2019 3:51 am

Perrydotto wrote: ↑
Fri Feb 01, 2019 2:03 pm
This is entirely up to you. Nobody here knows the people involved as well as you do, and only you can truly judge what feels right. I just generally recommend being very, very careful about giving people who hurt you badly a second chance. Not because holding grudges is good or anything, but because it's really important to understand how you ended up that person's victim the first time, and whether you can trust yourself not to fall for potential manipulation and abuse again. You're not dumb or gullible, but people we've been close with for so long usually have a way of getting to us, especially if they've also picked up abusive tendencies over time. The smartest and nicest folks can fall victim to these things because when you want to be kind to someone you care about, it's way harder to put the foot down and keep them away. It also doesn't help that good and lovely people can become abusive, and that acknowledging the mistakes alone doesn't make those people capable of acting healthily again. Especially if serious mental health issues are involved, it can be tremendously difficult for the perpetrator to see the forest for the trees. They might truly believe they are doing better and would never do this again, but you have no insight into how much they've worked on this (with professional help in particular), and how truly aware they are of their potential to abuse again.

I'd also like to say that depression alone doesn't make someone abusive - It can be a factor, it cannot be, it really depends on the circumstances. It's just very rarely a sole reason for abusive behaviour, and it's absolutely never an excuse.

Again, nobody can tell you what to do. All I'd like to do is caution you, and to keep your personal safety and mental health protected above all else. Sometimes, doing that can really hurt, and it's a path nobody likes going on. But at the same time, you don't owe that person forgiveness, even if you deeply sympathize with their pain. Again, someone can be a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. Someone can have given us great memories while also having hurt us deeply. I really truly hope this person is doing better and getting help. The question is just whether it's a healthy and good idea for you to be involved in that process, now or later. It's up to you how to handle this, but please always keep yourself safe and be kind to yourself, no matter what you feel is right.

I've talked with some other people about this as well and they agree. Given that I've gotten similar excuses in the past from this same person always blaming outside factors means I'll not be contacting them again.

For all I know it's just a way to get me involved with some stuff like business plans again and I don't plan on doing that ever again with this person.

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Tue Feb 05, 2019 1:23 am

Not gonna lie, the past few weeks have been stressful for me. Between managing the Kickstarter, I suddenly got TWO freelance assignments at roughly the same time, as well as maintaining my other responsibilities.

The good news is, both freelance stuff has been taken care of, and I've gotten paid for them. But I feel like taking a big rest when the other stuff is all said and done.

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Thu Feb 07, 2019 3:56 pm

Hurray, I get to spend the next 3-some hours sitting at the mental health facility (a building I dread visiting, and frankly hate and fine uncomfortable) because I was dumb about scheduling my appointments. It’s 4 F/-15 C outside so I can’t walk anywhere in between, I don’t have enough time to drive anywhere, and I’ll have to sit in a waiting room with a bunch of seriously ill people, because they share space with a regular medical clinic. Strangers still stress me the fuck out. Can’t cancel or no-show because then I have to pay instead of my insurance, and I can’t reschedule because they don’t have any open slots until March and I’ll run out of meds before that.

Goddamn it. I’ve been having nightmares about this all week. And of course it had to fucking snow and be freezing with ice all over the roads on the day it happens, when I already hate driving and find it frightening. Can’t take the bus because the stop is 3 miles away and I ain’t walking 3 miles in this. Fuck.

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Fri Feb 15, 2019 5:01 pm

Not gonna lie, running a crowdsourcing campaign is the most stressful, nerve-wrecking endeavor I've ever taken.

For my future books, I really, really need to find alternatives to receive funding (including trying to find a publisher, even though that's a long-shot), although the number of options that doesn't involve crowdsourcing looks rather bleak, but I really don't want to go through this again.

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Sat Feb 16, 2019 3:27 am

Mr. Big wrote: ↑
Fri Feb 15, 2019 5:01 pm
Not gonna lie, running a crowdsourcing campaign is the most stressful, nerve-wrecking endeavor I've ever taken.

For my future books, I really, really need to find alternatives to receive funding (including trying to find a publisher, even though that's a long-shot), although the number of options that doesn't involve crowdsourcing looks rather bleak, but I really don't want to go through this again.

I can tell it’s been stressing you out from how much you’ve been promoting it, but I’ve been afraid to say anything about it. Like, I feel that you’re judging yourself based on whether or not this campaign succeeds and that doesn’t feel good, to me.

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Sat Feb 16, 2019 9:37 am

Madeline wrote: ↑
Sat Feb 16, 2019 3:27 am
I can tell it’s been stressing you out from how much you’ve been promoting it, but I’ve been afraid to say anything about it. Like, I feel that you’re judging yourself based on whether or not this campaign succeeds and that doesn’t feel good, to me.

Yeah, understood.

Needless to say, when this is over, I'm taking a break

(?) · Post by **Perrydotto** (?) » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:46 pm

It might be possible to find someone else to help you run the campaign next time? Could very much be worth the extra expense to avoid this sort of stress.

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Sat Feb 16, 2019 3:24 pm

Perrydotto wrote: ↑
Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:46 pm
It might be possible to find someone else to help you run the campaign next time? Could very much be worth the extra expense to avoid this sort of stress.

Definitely my plan next time! I won't be doing another book until next year, so I have some time to regroup after this, at least.

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Sun Feb 17, 2019 1:45 am

Mr. Big wrote: ↑
Sat Feb 16, 2019 3:24 pm
Definitely my plan next time! I won't be doing another book until next year, so I have some time to regroup after this, at least.

I’m glad it’s fully funded now, so all that stress is going to be taken off of your shoulders.

I hope I didn’t hurt you. I was really worried about you. Doing a campaign like that would’ve broken me so I can only imagine what you felt.

Mr. Big · Post by **Mr. Big** (?) » Sun Feb 17, 2019 1:49 am

Madeline wrote: ↑
Sun Feb 17, 2019 1:45 am
I’m glad it’s fully funded now, so all that stress is going to be taken off of your shoulders. I hope I didn’t hurt you. I was really worried about you. Doing a campaign like that would’ve broken me so I can only imagine what you felt.

Yeah, I have a HUGE relief now.

There's still other things i have to deal with, but yeah, the huge burden is off for the time being. And thanks!

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Thu Feb 21, 2019 7:21 pm

I think this would be good to post in here:

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Fri Feb 22, 2019 11:47 pm

Having a rough day because everything keeps breaking and it’s making me miserable. That’s on top of regretting anything I put up for public consumption.

The Ghost of Ember · Tue Sep 17, 2019 4:56 pm

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly really is the best advice I never received as a kid

Perpetual Motion · Post by **Perpetual Motion** (?) » Sun Feb 24, 2019 2:15 am

I'm in such bad shape right now that I didn't even notice anything was seriously wrong until last night. I know that sounds contradictory, but I've been in such a funk that days just seem to vanish without me noticing. I even missed a therapy appointment and a psychiatrist appointment without noticing. I'm not really sure what to do about it, though. I can't afford to miss any more appointments, because I run the risk of them dropping me if I do. I just find it hard to care. Or maybe I can't think straight enough to care? I dunno.

I want so badly to give the old "I'm worthless and will never amount to anything. I just want to give up and stop trying" speech, but I know that doesn't help anything. It's just hard to not to hate myself when I mess up this badly, and I'm not in the state of mind to really practice any useful mindfulness techniques, either.

Madeline · Post by **Madeline** (?) » Sun Feb 24, 2019 2:49 am

In my group we learned that you’re going to have a hard time sometimes, and that’s okay. Just try to make your next appointments. Put up reminders, if you have to.

(?) · Post by **Momo** (?) » Sun Feb 24, 2019 12:16 pm

You've made the important first step of being able to notice when your depression has a flare-up. Reach out to your therapist to let them know what is happening, and set yourself phone reminders for the day of your next appointment. Don't dwell on those missed appointments. Instead of beating yourself up over what didn't happen, put your efforts into making sure the next appointment does.

Quanta · Post by **Quanta** (?) » Sun Feb 24, 2019 9:45 pm

So here's an ongoing Twitter thread by an artist with some advice on how to feed yourself when you're feeling depressed and can barely lift your head. Might be helpful for folks.

(?) · Post by **Fizzbuzz** (?) » Wed Feb 27, 2019 12:22 pm

I'm really not having a good day today.

Assignments in my current classes have piled up such that I have three different things due tomorrow, two of which were projects I knew were coming but have not done much work on so far, and one a programming assignment given just earlier this week. None of them are hard, per se, but they are all boring and time-consuming to where I'd rather do literally anything else than work on them when I have spare time. And that's my problem.

I've been in a cycle lately where I will do virtually nothing on the weekends, even so far as not going outside for a whole day or two and sometimes not even getting out of bed except to eat or use the bathroom. Then, when I have class Monday-Thursday, I'm so busy staying up on my work that by the time the weekend comes, I am too tired to want to do anything more.

Today I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the work I have to do by midnight tomorrow and, in between classes, I went to the bathroom when no one else was in there and spent a few minutes whipping myself with my belt. It feels like it's what I deserve and, if it hurts enough, maybe I'll remember this beating whenever I consider putting off work in the future. Some part of me says this is ridiculous, but considering that it's been over a year since I last felt this way, maybe I just got to a point where I needed to remind myself that I can't go through life being so worthless.

(?) · Post by **Fizzbuzz** (?) » Wed Feb 27, 2019 3:55 pm

I mean, the only surefire way I have known to get myself to do something I don't want to do is to wait until the pain caused by not doing it is equal to or greater than the pain caused by doing it. The former increases as the time in which I can do the thing decreases, alleviated at first by me being able to procrastinate and do anything else, but spiking as I realize I am down to the due date and do not have time for anything other than forcing myself through it. I used to be worse about this when I would often ignore schoolwork entirely if it was causing this feeling, but now that I'm back in school I convinced myself that I have to do the very best I can, thus increasing the pain of not doing it.

If that was effective in getting me to do more work, then beating myself for not working should too. Whipping myself across the back causes terrible pain but no lasting injury or marks other people will notice, so if I do it then I am further increasing the pain of not working, which should get me to start working even sooner so as to reduce the overall suffering. It is not something I would recommend for others, but not all coping methods work for all people, right?

I hope I'm not being irrational. Maybe the only flaw I can think of in all this is that my plan is predicated on the assumption that all work will involve suffering, but in all my life I can't say I've found evidence otherwise.

(?) · Post by **Fizzbuzz** (?) » Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:35 am

The one alternative I sometimes consider is whether there's some way for me to get myself to be more persistent in work and less prone to wanting to do anything else in the first place. I think about how I've heard that this is what people with ADD go through and that there are medications to help them stay more focused, but I'm afraid to ask about that. While my university offers free counseling and dirt-cheap psychiatry, that'd still require me to open up to new people (mental health professionals, admittedly, but new people nonetheless), and I'm sure they've seen thousands of students in the past who are just hitting them up for pills that'll let them work harder. How do I know I'm not in that same category? I'm afraid of going through that whole process only to ultimately be told the same thing all my life, that I just have to do it, have to force myself to do the work even when I'm sick of it.

I'm feeling better today. I got one of my assignments done last night (large amounts of caffeine helped) and while I was working on that, one of my professors emailed the whole class extending another one of my assignments to Friday, so I have less of a load today. Haven't beaten myself at all so far this morning.

(?) · Post by **Perrydotto** (?) » Thu Feb 28, 2019 8:27 am

You are again making very unfavorable assumptions about how other people will judge you and react to you, when that's not what the reality is. Why would a university psychiatrist think you are just treating them like a pill dispensary to get hopped up? They have a job to do, they are meant to help people. Why would you be the exception where they don't want to do that? Don't listen to cognitive distortions or cynical interpretations that come up with reasons why you wouldn't or shouldn't get help. It's scary to reach out, but it's not useless.

People who have not shown you kindness or appreciation are the ones in the wrong here, not you. Showing empathy and care for a son, for a friend, that sort of thing is normal and healthy. People who let you down there are the ones in the wrong. You deserve people's kindness and your own kindness in particular, so I'd say try starting there. You've made a lot of progress in that regard, and I hope you don't stop trying. Your own kindness can be great part of healing. You deserve it.

There will likely always be things in life that are hard for you, or unpleasant. I doubt anything can change that entirely, I'm afraid. However, therapy and medication are meant to be tools that help you with these things. Ideally, they are part of a net of things, things that come from you or other sources and that work together to help you.

Personally, I've dealt with horrible fear and anxiety all my life, and I'm finally in a proper therapy and psychiatry regimen. I sure wish I would have done that sooner, but it's never too late. Now I'm on a good track to getting the right medication to stop feeling like a constant bundle of stress, and it's an incredible relief.
You will have all opportunities in life to get help. It's a tremendous effort to reach out and have enough trust that it could really help you. Nobody in their right mind could blame you for struggling here. I just hope, personally, you will try when you have these resources readily avaible and at a very low cost. It's again not mandatory, but if you have the opportunity and you do know you have a very unhealthy view of yourself and you struggle with anxiety and executive dysfunction, consider it. You deserve your kindness, you deserve taking care of your needs. You are no lesser than anyone else, and you are not exempt from being taken seriously. Anyone who just tells you to "man up" or whatever when you have a serious case of anxiety and self-worth issues is horribly mistaken.

I'm rooting for you. You're a very good guy, and I really do hope you allow yourself to see that more too, and understand that you deserve help and support.