Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Fontra (?) » Fri Apr 26, 2019 7:18 am

The whole task of being a PhD student I undertook years ago really fucked with me hard mentally. I just barely moved back in the same city as Perry and I'm doing better now and have a secure job again, but there's going to be some recovery I need to do.

I noticed that over the past few years I had a lot of old bad habits crop up. I had an even shorter temper. I got angry about random ass people I haven't talked to in years. Completely unrelated things would make me angry and I'd want to rant and hurt people. All things I thought I dropped when I was 24 came back. I withdrew from this community and others because I didn't want to inflict any of that shit on here again.

I'm trying to reintegrate myself in this and other communities again, but it's hard and some troubling feelings come up. I'm worried about exploding at someone in a fit of rage in a chat or something and I hate that.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Fri Apr 26, 2019 7:29 am

The fact that you're trying already means a lot. You're giving yourself the chance to improve things, that opens up the next doors.

You told me you read that experiences from other PhD students reflect a lot of what you went through. PhD work seems to be very grueling and a serious challenge on one's mental health no matter who you are. You are not weak or wrong. It seems what you are dealing with is sadly very common, and you are far from alone.

Therapy will help a lot and you know that, but believing in the kindness of the people around you will also do wonders, seriously. You might feel like a giant piece of shit for struggling, but the fact that you come here and openly admit to these issues already shows you're not the piece of shit you believe you are. A real piece of shit would just lash out and not take responsibility for their behaviour or feelings afterwards. People care about you and want to help you, even (or especially) when you are struggling.

It'll get better, it really will. :hug: :flutterunsmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Musings (?) » Fri Apr 26, 2019 6:02 pm

First off: apologies for not posting here all that often. I am around on the Discord servers most of the time, and I pop back here frequently to lurk and see how everyone is doing... but I just don't feel I have much meaningful to contribute most of the time (or the energy to do so).

Fontra: our circumstances are very different, but I can relate to some of what you're saying. I've had to withdraw from communities who have welcomed me in an attempt to spend more time on fixing IRL stuff, but I don't think (and I'm being hypocritical here!) you should punish yourself for working on yourself. What Perry said in her first sentence rings especially true: I think the fact that you're trying and are at least keeping these thoughts in your head is more than enough. Everything I heard suggests to me that you've made incredible progress over the years, so I'll just continue to root for you from here. :flutterunsmith:

Regarding tempers: most people don't believe me when I tell them, but I've actually got a fairly short, explosive temper, almost certainly inherited from my father. I mean, I have absolute buckets of patience for all the stuff I deal with week to week (tech problems, secondary care, etc. etc.), but once I get close to snapping it really is super quick. I want to work on that, too, but I can barely keep myself sane as it right now. :rainbert:

...

Speaking of which, my most recent issue is that for the last few weeks (pretty much since my birthday?), I've been overwhelmed with an almost irrational sense that my presence in social situations (both one-on-one and in groups) is an inconvenience, which is making me want to isolate myself further. As you might expect, this isn't uncommon for me, and occupational therapy (and the support/guidance of other people) has helped me recognise these patterns of negative thinking and offers strategies to cope, but it's still hard.

I'm trying to keep pretty busy, but I've honestly just wanted to go back to bed most days, or hit some sort of reset button after most social interactions and pretend they never happened. Even though, objectively speaking, I'm aware I'm catastrophising most of these feelings, my poor self-worth is emphasising that if things continue, I'm probably going to be alone forever. On top of all that, I'm currently stuck in a bit of a limbo waiting to hear back about a possible job opportunity (which I'm increasingly certain will be a rejection or non-starter for other reasons), which isn't exactly helping everything. Hopefully writing this all down will make some difference.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Fri Apr 26, 2019 7:14 pm

Reading what you and Fontra say and also what I'm currently most occupied with is what I'd try to summarize as the "leap point". I don't really have a smooth way to express it right now but my thought process is this: You know how sometimes situations can necessitate you taking a leap of faith or some other kind of chance that seems outrageous but also has a very legitimate chance of working? I'm increasingly thinking those sort of things are crucial to improving one's health and life situation, as ridiculous as it might seem at times. The notion that doing something big and new could make more sense when you are struggling with basic daily life things is nuts and I agree. Just, at the same time, I gotta wonder how doing the same thing over and over could at some point become a net minus to us rather than a plus, even if we feel those things are familiar fallbacks.

For my completely anecdotal and personal example, I've noticed how stoked and full of energy I've been when it came to looking for appartments. Don't get me wrong, it was still absolutely exhausting, but more on a ... normal people level, if I might say? I felt exhausted like you would after a run, not exhausted like my brain is about to fall apart. So there I was, going out on my own to places I didn't know and having to present myself in front of people I didn't know just to get a chance at a space to live; yet just existing at my mom's place was more draining. When I noticed the contrast, it was truly staggering. Looking at appartments was actually motivating if also anxiety-inducing - Meanwhile my anxiety in my old living conditions is so bad I regularly forget to eat enough.

I think it really cannot be overstated how important it is to have things going on that are for you, for your purpose, for your goals. Things you want to do. Not out of some sense of obligation or fear or stress, but things you want to do and feel good accomplishing. Mental illness makes brains really good at beating us down and telling us there is no joy in anything and nothing we accomplish is good enough, but that doesn't mean we are suddenly incapable of accomplishing things. It's just that we're never really told just how ridiculously demoralizing it is to be stuck in unfortunate circumstances, and how incredibly valid that is as a serious burden on our minds. When you get (actively or passively) told so much that you gotta suck it up and function, I think it's super easy to lose sight of that. And well, when that sucking it up and functioning has no goal, no perspective and no sense of accomplishment, it's honestly no wonder we have low self-esteem and think people don't want us around anymore. Making it through the day can be a real struggle and as a result a serious accomplishment, but it absolutely doesn't feel like one, and that makes a big difference. When we never give ourselves a chance to do something bold and great for ourselves, all we got is the stuff we already see as nothing more than just part of our daily dose of shit (even if that's not necessarily true).

I wish I had an easy answer here. I know I have things I really want to do and accomplish but I also know they stress me out greatly. I know I did things in the past I was really unsure about and did anyway and they worked out great, but I had very little in the way of knowing in advance that it would work out. All I know is that I personally am noticing that I spend so much of my energy maintaining a status quo I despise. When all I can do is keep a situation the same and that situation sucks, the situation has got to change. That can require me to do stuff I thought was impossible for me, or to finally just do thing X or Y and throw all anxious caution into the wind.

It's super individual and case-by-case, and all I got are nebulous descriptions exactly because it's hard to put something so personal into words. I just feel increasingly more like not giving myself chances is a 100 percent guarantee that I will stay miserable, while giving myself and the stuff I want chances has at least the potential to work out. And this is something where it's all the more important not to withdraw, but do the opposite - Let people in and support me, even if I think I'm being a horrible burden, because once again I have to do something differently from all the previous times where I was miserable. Not letting people in is tried and true to fail. I've done it so often and it was never helpful, no matter how right it seemed at the time. If the status quo of how I handle things is awful for me, I should seriously kick that status quo in the nuts more often and ask it where it gets off having me run around in the same shitty loops over and over.


I apologize for the longwinded thought rant but I hope it helps someone, somewhere, in some shape or form. New meds have been helping me, therapy has been helping me, friends have been helping me, all that is important and good. Incremental change and improvement is healthy and great. It's just that I'm more and more realizing that all the tools in the world will not do me any good if I don't make that leap of goddamn faith already and actually put my stuff to the test. It could end up going wrong and gravely disappointing me, but you know what, I'm already disappointed. I'm already frustrated and unhappy. All I've been doing in that department is keep on dealing with the familiar, and let me tell you, just because something feels familiar doesn't mean it's good for me. Shit's scary as hell but some kind of perspective, some kind of motivation still gives me more to keep going than any of my distorted thoughts or pessimism have ever done for me.

And the same goes for anyone here - Dare to have perspective. Seriously. Dare to believe there is a life for you beyond enduring the day-to-day. Giving yourself an actual chance to be more than your struggles and mental illness does so much. We're not meant to go on without personal purpose and pretend like that's fine. Shaking shit up is scary as fuck and nobody can make it happen with the flick of a magic wand, but it could be the most important thing for your mental wellbeing you've ever done. Get backup from friends, get professional help, but dare to have a plan and a perspective. No "I will never get there", instead "How can I get there". The risk to fail is a motherfucker that is hard to get accustomed to, but a risk means there is also a chance to succeed, and man everyone deserves that chance and all the ones after it.



TL;DR: Maybe I've just actually, truly run out of fucks to give and what I say has no value to anyone else, but I'm basically trying to live more like this deservedly famous quote and I'm hoping to instill some of that fighting spirit in others. Because goddamnit, we're all wonderful, valuable people and we deserve better.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Fri Apr 26, 2019 8:08 pm

I know myself am not super active here. I try to participate in other threads. I can't be in the pony fandom because of the loss of my daughter. It was her favorite show and I had vowed we would catch up together... But I can't break ties after all over been thru with you all here. So many have helped me, either with donations, advice or just moral support. All of which I appreciate so dang much. I can't just vanish from here cuz I know so many would miss me :flutterunsmith: I hope I can still hang around regardless!

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat Apr 27, 2019 12:03 am

Thanks for that, Perry. Good argument on "leap of faith" and how it can be the change you need. My example of "leap of faith" was when I decided to drive to LA trying to find animation work. That one could constitute as a failure, since I was unable to find a job and had to drive back, if it wern't for the fact that a random person I gave a copy of my comic book to messaged me out of a blue on Facebook offering me a job to illustrate his webcomic, jump-starting my freelance career.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Apr 28, 2019 4:27 am

I don’t know, I’ve been withdrawing more. I’m constantly pissed off at other people these days too, and it’s unpleasant to the point of physical discomfort. I can’t go anywhere or do anything for very long because chances are my mom will forget she’s left the oven on at the wrong temperature and set to go for 9 hours instead of 90 minutes, or my dad will outright forget to refill his medications for over a week after they’ve run out and get sick (both things that have happened recently). They love to not tell me anything important so these events are often a surprise to me. Also: surprise, they don’t trust me to do those things for them because it makes them upset to not be in charge of their own lives. We can’t afford professional care so I try to be a good caretaker.

I thought last year was rock bottom but this year isn’t much better. My dad used to scare me and now he’s just kind of out of it a lot of the time, and my mom gets rattled way more easily. It’s not pleasant. I’m already in therapy and on meds and doing everything I can to help and to cope, but it’s just that this wasn’t even remotely the life I wanted for anybody (not just myself).

Just existential shit, I guess.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Sun Apr 28, 2019 5:23 pm

I can't wait till I can stop suffocating. I can't even take a shower meaning I have to work smelling like bo

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Wed May 01, 2019 10:43 pm

And roommate list her job because her boss is easily coerced. Soon tho my check will be here even if I have to wait till monday

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Thu May 02, 2019 10:03 pm

Made one final donation post. Hopefully I won't need these anymore going forward!


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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri May 03, 2019 12:42 am

So, you know how I said that my cat was going to be put to sleep last week? Well she's still around, though not thanks to any good news. As part of our plan to give her the best of the time she has left, it was decided that we wouldn't take her to be put down until it became apparent that her health was starting to deteriorate to the point of suffering. As such, she's pretty much just left with what amounts to a terminal wasting disease thanks to her kidney damage, and eventually she's going to just not have the energy to do anything anymore. But she just... won't die. And the longer she lasts, the more it messes with me. It's like seeing a ghost walking around the house. One that can show affection and just make you feel bad for it. She's just giving me a whole cocktail of negative emotions, ranging from sadness to guilt to anxiety, and it sucks that I literally can do nothing about any of it.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by minty (?) » Sun May 05, 2019 12:17 am

I went through that with a cat a few years ago. I ended up being the one to make the call, because I remember looking at him, falling down, weak, barely able to move and thinking "Am I keeping him alive for my sake, or his?"

It's not an easy decision. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun May 12, 2019 7:38 pm

Been so sick for the last few days that I haven’t been able to do much other than sleep.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun May 12, 2019 7:46 pm

Get well soon, Madeline :hug:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sun May 12, 2019 9:28 pm

Madeline wrote:
Sun May 12, 2019 7:38 pm
Been so sick for the last few days that I haven’t been able to do much other than sleep.
Feel better soon! Sickness sucks :hug:

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Adiwan (?) » Tue May 14, 2019 10:37 am

I'm surrounded by idiots with no hand-eye coordination or control over any muscles in their arms.
Also they don't know fun.
Background: I'm writing a training for a procedure that should be absolved in VR. I programmed it in a way that makes every grabbable item droppable and made it at some steps it's more dynamic. The client doesn't want that.
I put a lot of work to make it more interesting to interact so the learned stuff may stick better in memory but now I have to dumb it down such that ONE way and only ONE way of interaction is possible. Only the immediate necessary items should be interactable, nothing beyond that. No point of failure.
ARGH!
Half of the work I've done was for nothing. At least the new changes are easier to implement because there won't be much left of my code after that.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Tue May 14, 2019 8:19 pm

Out of money until Friday but atleast thats only a few days away

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue May 14, 2019 8:29 pm

You got this Yue! Hang in there!
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Tue May 14, 2019 10:35 pm

Yeah hard part is trying to sell a couple buspasses for some extra money. Otherwise tomorrow and Thursday night will be very limited. But next paycheck is going to bw a full paycheck which will be v nice. And last alot longer.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue May 14, 2019 10:49 pm

Hell yeah! :yay:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by stonecutter (?) » Wed May 15, 2019 2:05 am

Learned on my birthday yesterday that my longtime friend King-Cheetah passed away. I knew he didn't have much time, but hoped he would have stuck around a bit longer.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed May 15, 2019 2:50 am

stonecutter wrote:
Wed May 15, 2019 2:05 am
Learned on my birthday yesterday that my longtime friend King-Cheetah passed away. I knew he didn't have much time, but hoped he would have stuck around a bit longer.
He will be missed. Sorry for the loss :fluttersmith:

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed May 15, 2019 3:27 am

My condolences. Take good care of yourself, Stonecutter.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Angel Beat (?) » Wed May 22, 2019 11:56 am

An aunt of mine was diagnosed with cancer quite some time ago. Today, my mom and I received the news that my aunt will get medicine to help her pass on from this life tonight.

Fuck cancer. :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed May 22, 2019 12:07 pm

My condolences. Fuck cancer indeed.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Octavia (?) » Wed May 22, 2019 8:14 pm

Sorry to hear, Angel Beat. :cry:

Thirding fuck cancer.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Angel Beat (?) » Thu May 23, 2019 12:28 am

Yeah, it's the worst. :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Angel Beat (?) » Sat May 25, 2019 12:56 pm

She passed away just over an hour ago. :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat May 25, 2019 12:56 pm

So sorry, Angel Beat. My condolences

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by PonyHag714 (?) » Sat May 25, 2019 1:40 pm

Sorry to hear that. Image
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Angel Beat (?) » Sat May 25, 2019 8:58 pm

Thanks folks. :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sat May 25, 2019 10:08 pm

Oh god. My condolences: :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat May 25, 2019 10:56 pm

I’m sorry, Angel Beat.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Angel Beat (?) » Sun May 26, 2019 2:48 pm

Thank you. :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:22 am

Not sure where else to put this. Has anybody heard from Snakebite/Angry Critter since the most recent time she noped away from the forums?

I'm not going to ask you to give her a message or anything. Mostly I'd just like to know that she's still alive and doing all right. And if she's not, well, I guess I'd want to know that too.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:24 am

Bigdog wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:22 am
Not sure where else to put this. Has anybody heard from Snakebite/Angry Critter since the most recent time she noped away from the forums?

I'm not going to ask you to give her a message or anything. Mostly I'd just like to know that she's still alive and doing all right. And if she's not, well, I guess I'd want to know that too.
As far as I know from my Eurohorsie friends, she is alright. I think Isaak visited her recently.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Jun 12, 2019 11:51 pm

I'm happy to hear that :) Thank you.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Wed Jun 19, 2019 1:16 pm

My paycheck was shorted 800$. My bank account is that a negative $10. My next paycheck is it until the 28th. I am losing my fucking mind. I don't think I'll ever get out of this downward spiral I am doomed to be forever in poverty.

Edit and a tire just blew there goes another $25!!

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jul 08, 2019 5:22 pm

My great aunt passed away today. We knew it was coming and were already in the process of making funeral arrangements for her, but she died way quicker than the few months the doctors gave her. I was never that close to her, but my mom and grandmother were. I worry about my grandmother. She's lost both of her sisters in the last two years, and her memory is so bad that she tends to forget that they ever died. I've been "employed" by my family to visit with her every day, give her her meds, make her lunch, etc. This means I get a front row seat to watching her mind slip. It's a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I dunno, I guess I'm just really down on the whole situation. I'm still going to do my best to treat my grandmother right. She deserves dignity and respect, same as anyone. It's just hard for everyone right now.

Octavia
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Octavia (?) » Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:34 pm

My grandfather passed away tonight. I got to see him a couple months ago for his 90th birthday and I knew he was battling the same kind of cancer that my dad beat a few years ago, but they didn't catch my grandfather's as early and he didn't respond to the chemo. I knew at his birthday that it was likely the last time I'd see him, so at least I got to say everything I wanted to say to him before he died.

Fuck cancer.
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