GSM IV

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Madeline
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:55 am

BeautifulShy wrote:
Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:30 am
I am pretty similar in my looks. When I did first start out I did go more andro just to help people be comfortable with the process and when I did figure out my style I went with sporty femme since it does incorperate my sporty side and my ultra femme sides. Hope this helps.
CorvusCaw wrote:
Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:39 am
I tend to wear an unbuttoned plaid shirt with a a graphic T-shirt and jeans at least once a week, but I also tend to wear a dress at least once a week. I like just doing whatever without locking into a "style"
Those both help a lot, thank you. :flutterunsmith: I overthink things all the time so it’s good to get outside perspectives. Also it probably would be good to ease people into it, since I’ll be transitioning around people.

My therapist and psychiatrist are on board with the idea that I should be transitioning, so I’m seeing my primary care next week to try to get the whole HRT thing started. I’m nervouscited.

Edit: my mom was pleased that I resent the pamphlet, because she wants to better understand me. So she’ll be reading it when her eyesight is better.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by BeautifulShy (?) » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:59 am

Madeline wrote:
Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:55 am
Those both help a lot, thank you. :flutterunsmith: I overthink things all the time so it’s good to get outside perspectives. Also it probably would be good to ease people into it, since I’ll be transitioning around people.

My therapist and psychiatrist are on board with the idea that I should be transitioning, so I’m seeing my primary care next week to try to get the whole HRT thing started. I’m nervouscited.

Edit: my mom was pleased that I resent the pamphlet, because she wants to better understand me. So she’ll be reading it when her eyesight is better.
Hope things go well with your primary doctor. Also it is good to hear that your mom is willing to understand you. :yay:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat Oct 13, 2018 3:01 am

Good to hear, Maddie! Nice of your mom to make an effort :hug:

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sat Oct 13, 2018 7:42 am

Very happy there is progress for you, Madeline, and that your mom is trying better. You are great! :hug:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Mir (?) » Sat Oct 13, 2018 12:37 pm

CorvusCaw wrote:
Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:35 am
I had my 3-month post-op follow-up this week, and past the awkwardness of the exam and needing one area of tissue cauterized, it was fine. I have been cleared to resume all normal activities, which is good because I have so much weight to lose.
How are you feeling physically, Erica?

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Dexanth (?) » Sat Oct 13, 2018 3:22 pm

Aesthetics are fun, but then again that's because I just generally enjoy Hipster Lesbian as a look, which is totally my look. Although I mostly don't use the flannels now b/c i have jackets I like too much

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Cthulhu Inc (?) » Sat Oct 13, 2018 8:15 pm

I generally go for a t-shirt and shorts/skirt/pants, with tights or jacket as the weather dictates.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Oct 14, 2018 1:13 am

Dysphoria is really bad tonight, has me in tears. I hate how psychologically damaging it is for me to see cute girls/women and know that I'll never look like that. No amount of hormones are going to fix all of the things wrong with me. I know it's not my fault, but knowing that isn't any help. Not like blaming the educators/parents that failed me or the God that made me does any good. I can't exactly avoid potentially triggering things, either, since that's, like, half the planet's population there. I guess I just have to go to sleep feeling awful and hope that I don't feel awful when I wake up.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by CorvusCaw (?) » Sun Oct 14, 2018 1:44 pm

Mir wrote:
Sat Oct 13, 2018 12:37 pm
How are you feeling physically, Erica?
Pretty good. There are times when I don't feel like dilating, but it's no problem when I end up forcing myself to do it. I feel like I could go for long walks now.

I don't think I could ride a bicycle yet.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Mir (?) » Tue Oct 16, 2018 1:27 pm

So a like a million little factors have come together to help me make a lot of progress recently.

Between getting on anti depressants, and getting my out of wack hormone levels fixed (turns out I was basically experiencing PMS for about half a year, doctor's words, not mine) I've actually got enough energy to function for the first time in forever.

I really thought I was okay with me and had made my peace with being trans.
I can see now I was no where close.

I recently got involved with some of the trans stuff on reddit (which I'd always avoided before, because you know... reddit)
It's been so good for me. I can help other people who are just getting started take their first steps by pointing the way for them. And there's sooo many of us out there. It's come so far in normalizing this all for me.
And I've met new people who've been open and accepting to me in ways I've never experienced before. They've gone out of their ways to show me kindness even when I felt like I had nothing to offer in return.
It's torn down some walls for me in ways I didn't know were possible.

I've still got some regrets, but I can finally say at this point.
I'm glad I'm trans. It's made me a kinder person, and given me so much more insight into myself and ways to grow.
And changing your whole body to be more true to yourself, even in spite of what the rest society says?
That's kinda awesome.

I finally feel ready to start the rest of my life instead of being stuck between chapters.
I hope you're all doing well on your own personal journeys. Wish everyone here the best of luck.
Hang in there when it gets tough.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by BeautifulShy (?) » Tue Oct 16, 2018 8:59 pm

That is wonderful to hear Mir. Glad you are able to embrace yourself fully.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Oct 17, 2018 4:28 pm

Guess what? After all those years of angsting, and anxiety, and fear and doubt, I finally point blank asked my doctor for HRT, just like my therapist and psychiatrist suggested.

And guess what? She said she can’t prescribe that, has no idea of where to refer me, and suggested to ask my psychiatrist. It all ended in the medical equivalent of a wet fart.

This whole thing has been an anticlimactic farce and I don’t want to deal with this bullshit anymore.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Oct 17, 2018 4:46 pm

Oh no! Please don't give up yet! You made an honest attempt. You got a lead and that's your psychiatrist. You got this, girl!
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:36 pm

The medical system has its tendency to send people back and forth. It doesn't mean it's useless, or that you can't make progress, it means that there are annoying extra hoops you gotta jump through.

Don't deny yourself your future! You did nothing wrong at all, and nothing is lost. This is part of the process, and I'm proud you made another step in it. I know it's tough to see, but there is a good end there for you at the end of the path.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:57 pm

I feel like I’m in way over my head as it is. What if I shouldn’t transition? What if I’m just some deluded sad dude trying to make up for failing to have any kind of a life or relationship by going the other way?

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Oct 17, 2018 6:20 pm

I can't really answer those questions for you. But think about it. Are you really delusional? I doubt a guy trying to make up for failing would go so far as to transition to another gender with everything that entails. I know this sucks. Trying to get the help you need in this regard can be right heartbreaking at times. You're right to feel angry and frustrated at a system that is heavily skewed against you. But please, do not give up on yourself.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Oct 17, 2018 6:46 pm

I worry about that every day, Madeline. No matter what I do, there's always that little nagging doubt in the back of my head telling me that I'm making a huge mistake. I realized, though, that the positive emotions I've felt in my efforts to transition are real. You can't fake happiness, joy, or satisfaction. Not to yourself, at least. The doubt may still be there, but so long as you're working toward a goal and the progress you do make makes you happy, then you're doing the right thing.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:05 pm

I see what you’re both saying. Even my mom thinks I should do it.

I wish the thought did make me happy. It used to, but 2016 broke me harder than I was broken before and this year has kinda finished the job. I don’t know if anything’s going to make me happy anymore, because I just expect anything good to be transitory or destroyed st a moment’s notice. I’m sorry, I know that’s not good or useful. But I don’t want to lie and pretend I’m fine anymore, either.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Oct 18, 2018 1:00 am

I guess I should keep going. I’m ashamed of myself for reacting the way I did. I hope I haven’t hurt anyone with my carelessness, and if I did, I’m sorry.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Oct 18, 2018 1:39 am

That's the way to go! :hug: hoping for the best, Maddie

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:32 am

Madeline wrote:
Thu Oct 18, 2018 1:00 am
I guess I should keep going. I’m ashamed of myself for reacting the way I did. I hope I haven’t hurt anyone with my carelessness, and if I did, I’m sorry.
You haven't hurt me! I'm glad you've decided to keep going! You deserve good things!
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Oct 18, 2018 10:18 am

Nobody here is hurt. Everyone is rooting for you. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Dexanth (?) » Thu Oct 18, 2018 2:17 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Sun Oct 14, 2018 1:13 am
Dysphoria is really bad tonight, has me in tears. I hate how psychologically damaging it is for me to see cute girls/women and know that I'll never look like that. No amount of hormones are going to fix all of the things wrong with me. I know it's not my fault, but knowing that isn't any help. Not like blaming the educators/parents that failed me or the God that made me does any good. I can't exactly avoid potentially triggering things, either, since that's, like, half the planet's population there. I guess I just have to go to sleep feeling awful and hope that I don't feel awful when I wake up.
I want to note I felt the 'I can't be cute or look like that ever' in the past too, and well, uh - suffice to say while I have trouble actually /believing/ it, I continually have people saying I am cute and such now which is to say that I think you'll find HRT can do wonders, and if you go beyond that and learn makeup too, then yea.

Like I still want to learn makeup. I'm lucky I seem to have little need for it as a base, but I still want to learn such for doing better cosplay stuff

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Re: GSM IV

Post by CorvusCaw (?) » Fri Oct 19, 2018 12:49 am

makeup is so expensive, though
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Re: GSM IV

Post by BeautifulShy (?) » Fri Oct 19, 2018 1:48 pm

I use E.L.F. makeup for the most part since you can get a lot for a little. Really the only thing I can think of that is costly is my Clinique beyond perfecting foundation+concealer and that is 28 bucks from Sephoria and it lasts me 6 months. Also another makeup venue is makeup subscription services. https://www.mysubscriptionaddiction.com ... keup-boxes

I used ipsy for a time and you get some nice selection for the cost.

By the way this year Sephoria has started makeup classes for transwoman. So that may be an option. Also this book is an option. https://www.amazon.com/Bobbi-Brown-Make ... 0446581356
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Re: GSM IV

Post by theGECK (?) » Fri Oct 19, 2018 5:14 pm

The Sephora makeup class was really good. It went over my head, but I still remember some of the basics. And if I had practiced, I could have actually held onto what I learned.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Oct 30, 2018 6:23 pm

I talked to my psychiatrist about HRT today, and she also has no idea what I should do. Also, she was worried that this was sudden, even though I’ve been trying to tell her that I’ve been struggling with this my whole life. Her best idea was to change doctors, but I like and trust the one I have. And I don’t trust many people.

Just fucking ugh. I don’t think the universe wants me to do this. I don’t even know if I want to bother anymore. All it’s ever done is make me depressed and make me hate myself. I don’t have any energy left to keep having to find new people and get the same “I don’t know/are you sure you want this and aren’t making a mistake” types of responses.

I just want to move on with my life. :fluttersmith:

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Oct 30, 2018 8:05 pm

Did putting this part of yourself away completely ever make you happier, though?

I'm really sorry it's tough to figure out a plan at the moment. It's okay that you don't feel up for it right now. Are there resources you can use to find doctors that work with HRT? Trans support groups from the nearest city that know people? You might not need to switch doctors entirely, just find someone else who could be accessible and trustworthy in this matter. I know you said a lot of resources aren't in your small town, but maybe there are compromises and options with making travel and such possible, and maybe a support group would know someone close to you.

Take care of yourself, and tackle this as you feel ready. I just hope you don't give up on yourself. There is a path for you.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Oct 30, 2018 9:17 pm

The closest options I have are in Denver, and my parents flat-out refuse to go there or to let me go there by myself. Also, it’s like 80 miles away anyway. Same with trans support groups. There’s just nothing here.

Coming out has just made me feel vulnerable and paranoid. I just see threats everywhere. Almost none of the people in my life believe what I say, and that just makes me feel like I’m even crazier than I thought. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t trust my own feelings and memories about anything anymore. What if I’ve been lying to myself? But when I bring that up, my therapist brushed that off, too.

I don’t know. None of this struggling and fear has ever made me happy, but nothing makes me happy. I don’t think I’ve been happy since I was 5.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Oct 31, 2018 12:08 am

The only thing I could think of was to email the support center at my old school. I always avoided it while I was there because I didn’t want to come out to anybody, and possibly get hurt. And also because I have the social skills of a dead skunk. It’s an extreme long shot but it was all I could find. They don’t mention alumni support on their site at all so I don’t have high hopes.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by CosmogenicLily (?) » Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:32 pm

Madeline wrote:
Tue Oct 30, 2018 9:17 pm
The closest options I have are in Denver, and my parents flat-out refuse to go there or to let me go there by myself. Also, it’s like 80 miles away anyway. Same with trans support groups. There’s just nothing here.
If you don't mind my asking, why do your parents have a say in whether or not you can go to Denver by yourself? 80 miles sounds like a lot but that's really only an hour and a half each way...

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Nov 01, 2018 12:02 am

because I’m a fucking loser who always does what I’m told, and because I’m a fucking asshole bigoted piece of shit with internalized transphobia who wants an excuse to shut it down so I don’t have to deal with never being able to go stealth because I’m too fucking old and ugly

Same reason I hate therapy, I don’t actually want to be there, I think it’s a bunch of horseshit, but people just won’t let me die and force me to keep on living a life I’ve hated for decades just so they won’t feel bad. Nobody actually gives a shit how I feel, just lots of stupid fucking hippie platitudes about “love wins” and dumbass breathing garbage.

This is it, this is me, this is what a fucking horrible asshole I am, I’m a selfish fucking dick with no identity and no self and everything I do is fake and unreal because I’m fake and unreal and I don’t even feel like I have any kind of agency outside of hurting all the fucking time and faking being some sort of semi-functional turd of a person well enough that people expect me to be able to live a normal,life. I’ll never live a normal life. I don’t even want to live a normal,life. The boat fucking sailed for me. I’ll never be able to have an intimate relationship with anybody, I won’t have any friendships because I’m garbage and I don’t actually trust anybody. Not my family, not ,y therapist, not anybody. I’m dropping the facade so people can hate me for what I am and forget about me.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:38 am

I shouldn’t have posted all that because it was mean-spirited garbage, but I’m going to leave it because it shows why I can’t handle even the slightest amount of human interaction without eventually having a breakdown.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by CosmogenicLily (?) » Thu Nov 01, 2018 11:39 am

I’m not really good at all this support stuff yet but I’m going to try, so apologies if I’m a little more direct in my suggestions than I should be. If anything doesn’t feel right for you, don’t do it. These are meant to be SUGGESTIONS not instructions (even if I am shitty about making them seem that way)

Anyway...

You are not an asshole if you don’t want to be one. It’s a little trite to say, I know, but try to forgive yourself. You are who you are and so what if society says otherwise? As Perry said above,
Perrydotto wrote: Did putting this part of yourself away completely ever make you happier, though?
That’s not the same as asking “Does accepting this and struggling with this make you happy?” but rather “Does ACCEPTING and SETTLING on a cis identity make you feel SHITTIER?”

Take stock in yourself. If you are worried your parents won’t want you to borrow their car, is there some sort of bus option that can take you to Denver and back? Maybe you have to spend the night. Is there anyone in Denver you know who you could rely on to help you? If not, perhaps you can try to get a cheap hotel? Maybe make it a “vacation” and give yourself a little slack to try to enjoy yourself without making it all about meeting a particular trans support group there (I feel like that might also make it easier to think of the logistics of getting to the support group as if it was a tourist attraction you want to see.)

Or if that feels like a lot to take on at once, maybe take it slow and feel out what you can, a little at a time. Maybe start by just calling a support group that you think might help. It might be a bit far away to attend for now, but you still might be able to find resources by reaching out...

Above all, don’t force yourself into anything you’re not comfortable doing. Take your time and go at your own pace. It may take several tries before you find something that you get a genuine sense of support from, so placing a lot of stress on any one “try” might not pay off and might make you feel shitty if it doesn’t.

And try to think outside the box as well. I can’t speak for how your mind works, but it may well be that some sort of mindfulness/meditation practices might be helpful to center yourself and quell your doubts as you move forward.

In short, Perry said it best,
Perrydotto wrote: Take care of yourself, and tackle this as you feel ready. I just hope you don’t give up on yourself. There is a path for you.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Nov 01, 2018 4:13 pm

I don’t know how much I can do on a net worth of $3. :fluttersmith: I can’t get my therapist or psychiatrist to understand that I’m not faking because I don’t show up in women’s clothes. I literally can’t buy them, not even from the thrift store. I have no source of income, my family never give me money because they’re poor, and I’m not on disability because even though my psychiatrist decided that I’m disabled, I don’t qualify because I haven’t worked enough.

Even looking at this from an angle where I’m not too afraid of being attacked by bigots to go farther, I don’t see what I can realistically do now. I’m not trying to be defeatist or engage in special pleading now. I already tried and failed at selling clickbait articles (where, after all the work and effort I put in, I earned a grand total of $28 after taxes). That was pretty much the last idea I had. I frigged up my back too bad when I was younger to be able to do physical labor now, or at least that’s what my doctor says. I haven’t been able to lift weights anymore in over a year. If I lose Medicaid (or Walker Stapleton wins the governor’s race) I’m really screwed.

I mean, I’m sorry, I know this is self-obsessed self-pitying. But every time I try to climb out of this pit, I screw it up somehow. It’s hard to even want to keep going, let alone to want to work at my mental health like I’m supposed to be doing. It’s hard to care when I know I’m just going to get my hopes crushed again, time after time, because that’s how my whole life has gone. I don’t want to get better because it’s going to hurt more the next time I either fuck up or get screwed. At least right now I don’t have any hopes to crush.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Nov 01, 2018 9:24 pm

CosmogenicLily wrote:
Thu Nov 01, 2018 11:39 am
I’m not really good at all this support stuff yet but I’m going to try, so apologies if I’m a little more direct in my suggestions than I should be. If anything doesn’t feel right for you, don’t do it. These are meant to be SUGGESTIONS not instructions (even if I am shitty about making them seem that way)

Anyway...

You are not an asshole if you don’t want to be one. It’s a little trite to say, I know, but try to forgive yourself. You are who you are and so what if society says otherwise? As Perry said above,



That’s not the same as asking “Does accepting this and struggling with this make you happy?” but rather “Does ACCEPTING and SETTLING on a cis identity make you feel SHITTIER?”

Take stock in yourself. If you are worried your parents won’t want you to borrow their car, is there some sort of bus option that can take you to Denver and back? Maybe you have to spend the night. Is there anyone in Denver you know who you could rely on to help you? If not, perhaps you can try to get a cheap hotel? Maybe make it a “vacation” and give yourself a little slack to try to enjoy yourself without making it all about meeting a particular trans support group there (I feel like that might also make it easier to think of the logistics of getting to the support group as if it was a tourist attraction you want to see.)

Or if that feels like a lot to take on at once, maybe take it slow and feel out what you can, a little at a time. Maybe start by just calling a support group that you think might help. It might be a bit far away to attend for now, but you still might be able to find resources by reaching out...

Above all, don’t force yourself into anything you’re not comfortable doing. Take your time and go at your own pace. It may take several tries before you find something that you get a genuine sense of support from, so placing a lot of stress on any one “try” might not pay off and might make you feel shitty if it doesn’t.

And try to think outside the box as well. I can’t speak for how your mind works, but it may well be that some sort of mindfulness/meditation practices might be helpful to center yourself and quell your doubts as you move forward.

In short, Perry said it best,
I’m sorry I was so negative. You’re trying to help and be supportive, and I appreciate that.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Nov 02, 2018 6:32 am

I’m sorry for triple posting. I got an email back that pointed me to a support group that meets at a coffee house in the next city over. It’s not quite as far as Denver. This month’s meeting is next week so I’m trying to work up the courage to go.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Nov 02, 2018 9:54 am

Madeline wrote:
Fri Nov 02, 2018 6:32 am
I’m sorry for triple posting. I got an email back that pointed me to a support group that meets at a coffee house in the next city over. It’s not quite as far as Denver. This month’s meeting is next week so I’m trying to work up the courage to go.
That's good! Hope you can make it :party:

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Fri Nov 02, 2018 12:14 pm

That's a good prospect! Whether you go this month or some other, it's something to look forward to. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by BeautifulShy (?) » Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:35 pm

Good to hear you can have some localish support. As to having no funds have you looked into studies where you get paid locally or a similar type of thing?
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