GSM IV

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:48 am

BeautifulShy wrote:
Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:35 pm
Good to hear you can have some localish support. As to having no funds have you looked into studies where you get paid locally or a similar type of thing?
There are a couple of programs a fair ways south of me that help both cis and trans women get assistance in things ranging from job training to clothing to low-cost housing, so I might be able to use those services sometime. There’s also a local church that offers help with clothing and social problems to LGBT members of the community, and since the one Pride organization in my county links to them, I think they are on the up and up, and not some re-education horror. So that’s at least half the battle.

As for work, I’m going to try to sell some more articles for now. It helps my resume, and then I might be able to move from freelance into something steadier with enough credits. Plus then I can still keep working on mental health recovery for a while without stressing out too much.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by BeautifulShy (?) » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:12 am

Madeline wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:48 am
There are a couple of programs a fair ways south of me that help both cis and trans women get assistance in things ranging from job training to clothing to low-cost housing, so I might be able to use those services sometime. There’s also a local church that offers help with clothing and social problems to LGBT members of the community, and since the one Pride organization in my county links to them, I think they are on the up and up, and not some re-education horror. So that’s at least half the battle.

As for work, I’m going to try to sell some more articles for now. It helps my resume, and then I might be able to move from freelance into something steadier with enough credits. Plus then I can still keep working on mental health recovery for a while without stressing out too much.
Sounds like you have a solid plan. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:43 am

Fingers crossed!

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Nov 05, 2018 5:27 am

Sounds like a really good plan to me, too. Take it at a healthy pace for yourself and don't forget you have these options. :hug:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Nov 06, 2018 9:43 pm

I ended up getting so anxious that I got sick so I stayed home this month. :fluttersmith:

Maybe next month will be better.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Nov 06, 2018 9:56 pm

It's okay. Sometimes life beats the crap out of us. But you're still alive. Next month will do. I missed tonight's meeting as well. I believe in you.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Nov 06, 2018 11:22 pm

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Tue Nov 06, 2018 9:56 pm
It's okay. Sometimes life beats the crap out of us. But you're still alive. Next month will do. I missed tonight's meeting as well. I believe in you.
I believe in you, too. :hug: Maybe you’ll be feeling better soon, too.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Weird Autumn (?) » Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:17 am

It was not a good night for anxiety in general I think. I got really sad and scared and discouraged about politics for a bit and had a bit of a breakdown because I just, was really scared that things can still go really really bad, and I started to feel like maybe I won't be able to build a life for myself after all, and it just fucked me up for a while.

We'll all get through it and we'll all be okay. I have to believe that. If I can't, I just... I dunno. I don't want to follow that thought.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Octavia (?) » Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:45 am

The needle of politics is moving in the right direction. It was a great fantasy that there would be this huge blue wave and Dems would take over the entire country in one day, but that's not how change works. It will take some time and I'm optimistic about 2020. Hang in there. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Nov 07, 2018 7:52 pm

Weird Autumn wrote:
Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:17 am
It was not a good night for anxiety in general I think. I got really sad and scared and discouraged about politics for a bit and had a bit of a breakdown because I just, was really scared that things can still go really really bad, and I started to feel like maybe I won't be able to build a life for myself after all, and it just fucked me up for a while.

We'll all get through it and we'll all be okay. I have to believe that. If I can't, I just... I dunno. I don't want to follow that thought.
I couldn’t stop myself from following the election news all night, and I knew people would be discussing it at the meeting, so that did not help. I’m still anxious today. You’re not alone. People are stronger when they come together and make a community than when they try to stand alone against everything. :hug:
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Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:45 am
The needle of politics is moving in the right direction. It was a great fantasy that there would be this huge blue wave and Dems would take over the entire country in one day, but that's not how change works. It will take some time and I'm optimistic about 2020. Hang in there. :flutterunsmith:
I was dreading a repeat of 2016, where all the polls and pundits would be wrong and there really would be a red wave. So things did go better than I had feared, and that helps a little. :flutterunsmith:

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Weird Autumn (?) » Sun Nov 11, 2018 8:00 pm

ugggghhhh i hate this

I finally have a job interview coming up this week, and my mom is insisting that if I want to get the job I have to get my hair cut because they won't hire a "man" with long hair because she says so. And I really can't make a good argument for why I really don't want to do that and cutting my hair would make me deeply profoundly unhappy for a very long time, even though it's true and this actually is a big deal to me no matter how much she thinks it shouldn't be. If I argue that it isn't necessary to get my hair cut short to have a better shot at the job she'll just say "you don't know that" and she's right, I don't know that, because it's always possible the interviewer will have the same bullshit prejudices as her. But I can't exactly argue that even if not cutting my hair does mean not getting the job I still wouldn't cut it, because I have to get a job and I'm not allowed to have my own happiness or well-being be more important than that. There's no winning and it sucks and I hate it and I just want to cry and she's going to take me to the hairdresser and I'm just going to cry and I hate it so much

She's always had a small-c conservative streak in her. She has a fairly narrow range of things she thinks are decent and acceptable and anything outside of that makes her uncomfortable, even if her big-L Liberal values tell her she should be more open-minded and less judgmental about it. And the way she reconciles those two things is by projecting her own hang-ups and prejudices onto everybody else. It's not that she doesn't like you with long hair, it's that the interviewer won't like you with long hair. She's done this for my entire life and I just fucking hate it and there's nothing I can do about it and I want to cry.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Snowfire (?) » Sun Nov 11, 2018 9:37 pm

Autumn, even if you were a guy, when I worked at Starbucks we had a guy there who had hair longer than my Mom.

Unless the job you are interviewing for has a dress code where you can't have long hair, your mom is full of shit. As long as you go to the interview cleaned up and looking your best, that's what counts. :hug:
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Nov 11, 2018 11:14 pm

Weird Autumn wrote:
Sun Nov 11, 2018 8:00 pm
ugggghhhh i hate this

I finally have a job interview coming up this week, and my mom is insisting that if I want to get the job I have to get my hair cut because they won't hire a "man" with long hair because she says so. And I really can't make a good argument for why I really don't want to do that and cutting my hair would make me deeply profoundly unhappy for a very long time, even though it's true and this actually is a big deal to me no matter how much she thinks it shouldn't be. If I argue that it isn't necessary to get my hair cut short to have a better shot at the job she'll just say "you don't know that" and she's right, I don't know that, because it's always possible the interviewer will have the same bullshit prejudices as her. But I can't exactly argue that even if not cutting my hair does mean not getting the job I still wouldn't cut it, because I have to get a job and I'm not allowed to have my own happiness or well-being be more important than that. There's no winning and it sucks and I hate it and I just want to cry and she's going to take me to the hairdresser and I'm just going to cry and I hate it so much

She's always had a small-c conservative streak in her. She has a fairly narrow range of things she thinks are decent and acceptable and anything outside of that makes her uncomfortable, even if her big-L Liberal values tell her she should be more open-minded and less judgmental about it. And the way she reconciles those two things is by projecting her own hang-ups and prejudices onto everybody else. It's not that she doesn't like you with long hair, it's that the interviewer won't like you with long hair. She's done this for my entire life and I just fucking hate it and there's nothing I can do about it and I want to cry.
My parents are doing the same thing to me, so you’re not alone. Their idea of being supportive is to say they’ll defend me, advocate for me, etc., but no matter how I dress or what I say to them, they won’t use anything but male pronouns and my birth name. My psychologist doesn’t believe me and my therapist keeps telling me that you can’t win everyone over, which, no shit, half the country hates people like me.

This is pretty much what I always expected to happen before I came out, and why I didn’t want to do it. I give up. This isn’t going to work, ever. And now I know people are going to tell me that I need to get out of there and get a job and all the other things I’ve failed at repeatedly in my life. The few times I have had a job, I always had to quit or get fired because I break shit, I crash shit, I manage to delete entire hard drives, and I call in sick all the time because I don't want to see anybody or talk to anybody. Once I broke about $10,000 worth of shit because I had two forklift crashes in one night. The center that’s supposed to help with job placements told me it would be hard to find anything because I’m not qualified to do much. And I’ve actually been getting worse lately, not better. I either just end up crying or staying in bed all day because I just don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m kind of tired of getting bullshit boilerplate responses from crisis counselors. If I was functional and able to take care of myself, I’d never talk to them in the first place.

People keep saying not to give up, but what choice do I have? I’m about to turn 42, my lifetime income amounts to less than $20,000, and I have no way to get out of this situation because I’ve already tried everything I could think of. I’m not young or thin or attractive enough to marry a person who could help me. I can’t write anything that could help me out of this because I’m too scared to try. I know people are going to tell me not to give up and not to lose hope, but I don’t have any hope left to lose. I’m never going to be what I wanted to be, and I’m never going to be what anybody here wanted me to be. I’m a failure at that, too.

I just want to stop hurting and crying all the time.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:40 pm

I want to apologize for posting that last night. I feel awful about it, for multiple reasons, including whatever harm I might have done to Autumn. But it was all in my own head. I wound myself up convincing myself that my family wouldn’t use the right pronouns, when all it took was a 10 minute conversation about how I felt, phrased as non-confrontationally as possible. So I’ve shat on them multiple times, in public, over something that was all in my own head.

I’m so fucking ashamed of myself. I know I must have hurt them, no matter how much I apologize or make them dinner to make up for it. I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress in the last 2 months at all, and it’s all because I’m so super paranoid and untrusting that it makes me an abusive piece of crap.

I’m sorry, I’ll take a break from the these threads because I’m not going to be anything but a toxic presence if I keep doing what I’ve been doing. I need to get my shit together. I guess I might be in pppp, unless that’s not okay.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Nov 12, 2018 10:00 pm

Do what you need to take care of yourself, Madeline! You'll always be welcome in PPPP (or elsewhere) no matter what, though!

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Weird Autumn (?) » Wed Nov 14, 2018 4:52 pm

I thought I could compromise and get a cute shoulder length cut I would be ok with but it wound up way shorter than I wanted and I'm not really happy about it and my dad spent the car ride to the salon lecturing me about how I shouldn't cry about getting my hair cut and this just sucks.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Juju&Lulu (?) » Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:02 pm

Chose to come out as bi today, so far its been about what I expected.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:02 pm

Juju&Lulu wrote:
Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:02 pm
Chose to come out as bi today, so far its been about what I expected.
What did you expect?
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Juju&Lulu (?) » Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:33 pm

My mom having questions, saying she loves but in a way that implies she doesn't want me to go to hell. My partner and partner's friends being supportive while all my friends growing don't react.

So yeah at least nothing out of left field happened.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Nov 21, 2018 1:42 am

Weird Autumn wrote:
Wed Nov 14, 2018 4:52 pm
I thought I could compromise and get a cute shoulder length cut I would be ok with but it wound up way shorter than I wanted and I'm not really happy about it and my dad spent the car ride to the salon lecturing me about how I shouldn't cry about getting my hair cut and this just sucks.
I hope you’re doing all right.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Weird Autumn (?) » Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:04 am

Madeline wrote:
Wed Nov 21, 2018 1:42 am
I hope you’re doing all right.
I'm okay. I'm annoyed about the whole situation and it's still a bummer but the short cut is kind of cute and at least now I can do these interviews I'm getting without anybody getting on my case about it.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:33 am

Weird Autumn wrote:
Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:04 am
I'm okay. I'm annoyed about the whole situation and it's still a bummer but the short cut is kind of cute and at least now I can do these interviews I'm getting without anybody getting on my case about it.
You might be able to rock a pixie cut without anyone being the wiser, and those can be really cute.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by theGECK (?) » Mon Nov 26, 2018 4:03 pm

Juju&Lulu wrote:
Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:33 pm
My mom having questions, saying she loves but in a way that implies she doesn't want me to go to hell. My partner and partner's friends being supportive while all my friends growing don't react.

So yeah at least nothing out of left field happened.
Congrats on being out! It's a big step, especially when you have people reacting in ways that aren't especially helpful/accepting, even while they try to be.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Nov 28, 2018 10:53 pm

So, I got a call from the doctor that's administering my HRT today. Apparently my bloodwork came back with estrogen levels about 20% over the maximum safe level (or at least 20% above the highest they want it to be), and I'm already on the smallest daily dose that exists in pharmacies, so I have to start splitting pills. Considering that I'm a fair bit overweight, this is just really weird. They're going to check my liver functions and the like on my next appointment, which was moved up two months. I just hope nothing serious is wrong. It's kinda hard to not be paranoid.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by CorvusCaw (?) » Thu Nov 29, 2018 9:03 am

That's alarming... 20% above acceptable range is over 400 mg/dl... I rolled over 300 a couple times when I was doing a high level of bioidentical pellets and my body shifted into more receptive, but it's odd to see this on a low oral dose.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Mir (?) » Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:55 pm

well, if it's any relief at all, I've read some newer papers claiming that even levels that high are pretty unlikely to cause health problems.
Like Erica said, it's more the "why" and "how" that this is happening that should raise some concerns.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Dec 05, 2018 12:50 am

I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow. Problem is that I'm not out to said doctor, and I'm at a stage with my HRT that it will be extremely obvious that something is up as soon as he goes to check my heartbeat/breathing. He's not exactly someone I'm comfortable with being out to, either, since he's an old white man living in a rural town. It's not hard to imagine where his politics lie. Oh, and he's also my next door neighbor, which means I can't just come out to him and then pretend he doesn't exist until I need another general checkup. If things go poorly enough, he may end up gossiping about me to members of my family that I'm not out to yet.

I'm probably overreacting, but there's just so many ways this could go horribly wrong, and I need to have this appointment so my insurance will continue to pay for new parts for my cpap machine. God I wish we lived in a world where this wasn't a problem.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:31 pm

As usual I overreacted :-I
If he noticed anything, he kept quiet about it, so everything's fine. I just wish I wasn't so paranoid all the time.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Octavia (?) » Thu Dec 06, 2018 8:55 am

If you find out he's been blabbing to your family or neighbors about it, it would be a clear HIPAA violation that would be easy to report. Patient confidentiality is extremely important, so they take HIPAA violations very seriously.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Snowfire (?) » Thu Dec 06, 2018 6:00 pm

Octavia wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 8:55 am
If you find out he's been blabbing to your family or neighbors about it, it would be a clear HIPAA violation that would be easy to report. Patient confidentiality is extremely important, so they take HIPAA violations very seriously.
This. Doctors are NOT allowed to disclose private information about their patients without the patient's permission. They would lose their medical license.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Dec 06, 2018 7:46 pm

Forgot about that, thanks. I'm just super paranoid all the time. The only person in my offline life that respects my gender identity is my sister, and I'm just afraid that the more people know, the more chance there is for someone more malicious to come along and hurt me. My parents only tolerate me, and even when they're trying to be helpful, they're doing it through the lens of me being a strangely effeminate man.

For example, my mom asked her hairdresser the other day if she had any recommendations for my hair, since it's pretty thin up top and doesn't look all that great at the moment. I appreciated that, but then she told me that she turned down the first recommendation of one particular shampoo because it was "for women", and asked the hairdresser to order one "for men" instead. Like, I don't know what to say to them. I'm afraid that if I push them on the topic that they might push back, and I'd lose what little freedom of expression I have. Right now I at least get to take my HRT without opposition, and I think I just have to be thankful to have that much.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Snowfire (?) » Fri Dec 07, 2018 12:23 am

Gendered anything is bullshit. Especially shampoo. Like seriously there's zero difference between the men's and women's shampoo other than like... The smell.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Dec 11, 2018 1:39 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 7:46 pm
Forgot about that, thanks. I'm just super paranoid all the time. The only person in my offline life that respects my gender identity is my sister, and I'm just afraid that the more people know, the more chance there is for someone more malicious to come along and hurt me. My parents only tolerate me, and even when they're trying to be helpful, they're doing it through the lens of me being a strangely effeminate man.

For example, my mom asked her hairdresser the other day if she had any recommendations for my hair, since it's pretty thin up top and doesn't look all that great at the moment. I appreciated that, but then she told me that she turned down the first recommendation of one particular shampoo because it was "for women", and asked the hairdresser to order one "for men" instead. Like, I don't know what to say to them. I'm afraid that if I push them on the topic that they might push back, and I'd lose what little freedom of expression I have. Right now I at least get to take my HRT without opposition, and I think I just have to be thankful to have that much.
Do you have any reason to think that your parents would really shut down your transition if you politely asked them not to misgender you? Like, if your fears about the doctor were unfounded, perhaps this one might be unfounded too.

Re: shampoo or conditioner, you might benefit from one that gives your hair a little more volume, and you could suggest one like Pantene Pro-V which is “effectively” unisex (like, gender is not specified anywhere in the package at all as far as I can tell). Snowfire’s right, but if your mom doesn’t get that, just tell her that all the reviews say it’s great for your hair no matter who’s using it.

I’ve been trying out some other queer-friendly spaces online, and it’s been nice to interact with other trans folx who are super chill, kind people. :flutterunsmith: I still get scared a lot but I’m hanging in there.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 1:08 am

There’s nothing like finally doing the mother/daughter thing of looking at clothes together, only to find out that absolutely nothing I found even in plus sizes would fit because my stupid torso is too long and too wide at the shoulders :-I I couldn’t afford anything anyway but it was still discouraging.

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Re: GSM IV

Post by CorvusCaw (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:04 pm

Sounds like you need tall sizes, which means you're pretty much limited to online-only shopping.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by BeautifulShy (?) » Sun Dec 16, 2018 1:53 am

Madeline wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 1:08 am
There’s nothing like finally doing the mother/daughter thing of looking at clothes together, only to find out that absolutely nothing I found even in plus sizes would fit because my stupid torso is too long and too wide at the shoulders :-I I couldn’t afford anything anyway but it was still discouraging.
Have you looked at https://www.longtallsally.com/us/
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Dec 16, 2018 2:17 am

CorvusCaw wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:04 pm
Sounds like you need tall sizes, which means you're pretty much limited to online-only shopping.
BeautifulShy wrote:
Sun Dec 16, 2018 1:53 am
Have you looked at https://www.longtallsally.com/us/
I haven’t been looking online, but I will now. Thank you!

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Re: GSM IV

Post by CorvusCaw (?) » Sun Dec 16, 2018 4:04 pm

Old Navy has good tall sizes, usually for less than LTS.

If you need mega-plus size tops with longer torsos, Woman Within has longer tunic-style tops that work.
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Re: GSM IV

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Dec 17, 2018 2:07 am

There’s an Old Navy somewhat close to me. I’ll check them out after Christmas and see if there’s any clearance deals to be had if my relatives send me any birthday cash.

It’s kinda weird, because I can wear a men’s XL or 2XL for length/upper body width. When I lost so much weight I expected to downsize more like I did with waist sizes, but I only lost 2 shirt sizes while losing 10 inches off of my waist.

CosmogenicLily
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Posts: 112
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:34 pm
Gender: Female

Re: GSM IV

Post by CosmogenicLily (?) » Sat Dec 22, 2018 12:18 am

BIG STATUS UPDATE: :sweetielarm: My pills are sitting on my counter now. :sweetielarm:

Since I last checked in:
  • Went with a friend to get a pedicure and she lent me some of her pastel blue nail polish. Oh my god guys I never realized how happy just staring at these painted toenails would make me!
  • I finally got started (mostly regularly) doing electrolysis to work on my face. I had no idea how annoying it is. I started off with some 90 minute sessions, then dropped to 45 minute sessions since that was all that was available through the end of the year. It's just so annoyingly variable how much pain it is to go through. Some days it's fine and just mild pinpricks, others it's so irritating that I can feel when the probe is inserted into a follicle before zapping it. And while I felt like I was making progress with 90 minutes a day, 45 minute sessions feel so much slower at progressing. And we haven't even gotten close to working on my chin or upper lip. Aaah I wish it was over already...
  • I started seeing an extra therapist to work specifically on my gender issues. It's been super helpful and one of the things I look forward to regularly. My regular therapist is still helping me get my life together in other ways, but I cannot believe how relieving it is to have someone I'm comfortable talking to about all this. Yeah, I have a couple of trans folks in real life to talk to, but it's been super helpful to have a trusting ear outside of the people I see every day.
  • Got through my initial consult alright. No problems there but I still sorta almost drove myself nuts by trying to do makeup by myself for the first time that morning and fucking up the eyes oh god why is eye makeup so easy to fuck up. Big thanks to the friend who made time to accompany me.
  • Had to wait a month for a second consult because of Thanksgiving getting in the way... Good thing I can use the time for fertility preservation stuff. What's that? My first opening with them is after I get my prescription. Damnit.
  • Finally get through my second consult (a little easier emotionally), and now I am just impatient that I have to wait if I want to properly go through fertility preservation.
  • Been starting to get bold enough to shop for more clothes (online at least) and bits of makeup (more pastel nail polish!), but I still find myself hesitating to dive in head first.
  • As of literally this week, fertility preservation is done! And now all I have to put up with is a week of almost exclusively conservative family members for Christmas. Yeah, I could start now, but I don't want to deal with physically reminding myself what I'm currently hiding from family twice a day and having to start paying attention to what this shit is actually doing to me, let alone running the slim risk of prompting questions by having it in my luggage. So I've decided to hold off until I get back and then two more days, since starting on January 1 seems like such a symbolic day to start on that I can't help myself.
Hell of a New Year's Resolution, am I right? But boy howdy I can't wait to get started. I've been sorta working up the start of HRT as a huge deal for me; I'm feeling ready to start coming out to some friends and at least trying to present in public (but not yet at work) so I can really start getting practice in presenting.

I mean, hell, maybe I'll even feel like I can shave my legs when I get back... I can only hope it's as awesome as people say it is when it's done... :allears:

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