I’m not really good at all this support stuff yet but I’m going to try, so apologies if I’m a little more direct in my suggestions than I should be. If anything doesn’t feel right for you, don’t do it. These are meant to be SUGGESTIONS not instructions (even if I am shitty about making them seem that way)
Anyway...
You are not an asshole if you don’t want to be one. It’s a little trite to say, I know, but try to forgive yourself. You are who you are and
so what if society says otherwise? As Perry said above,
Perrydotto wrote:
Did putting this part of yourself away completely ever make you happier, though?
That’s not the same as asking “Does accepting this and struggling with this make you happy?” but rather “Does ACCEPTING and SETTLING on a cis identity make you feel SHITTIER?”
Take stock in yourself. If you are worried your parents won’t want you to borrow their car, is there some sort of bus option that can take you to Denver and back? Maybe you have to spend the night. Is there anyone in Denver you know who you could rely on to help you? If not, perhaps you can try to get a cheap hotel? Maybe make it a “vacation” and give yourself a little slack to try to enjoy yourself without making it all about meeting a particular trans support group there (I feel like that might also make it easier to think of the logistics of getting to the support group as if it was a tourist attraction you want to see.)
Or if that feels like a lot to take on at once, maybe take it slow and feel out what you can, a little at a time. Maybe start by just
calling a support group that you think might help. It might be a bit far away to attend for now, but you still might be able to find resources by reaching out...
Above all,
don’t force yourself into anything you’re not comfortable doing. Take your time and go at your own pace. It may take several tries before you find something that you get a genuine sense of support from, so placing a lot of stress on any one “try” might not pay off and might make you feel shitty if it doesn’t.
And try to think outside the box as well. I can’t speak for how your mind works, but it may well be that some sort of mindfulness/meditation practices might be helpful to center yourself and quell your doubts as you move forward.
In short, Perry said it best,
Perrydotto wrote:
Take care of yourself, and tackle this as you feel ready. I just hope you don’t give up on yourself. There is a path for you.