RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

[Perpetual Motion]

I was in a really bad place today, even more so than usual. I did some breathing exercises and CBT techniques, which managed to keep me calm and prevented me from dwelling on thoughts of doing anything rash or regrettable, but that's all they did. The best I can manage is "not suicidal", which is something, I guess. But if it takes everything I have to stay at "absolutely hopeless and miserable all the time", I'm not sure what else I can do. I'm useless, and I hate it.

[Momo]

I'm in pretty much the same boat. I spend most of my time in a sort of stasis, just tuning out that voice in my head that does nothing but scream about how it doesn't want to live anymore. Surviving doesn't seem like an achievement. There's no measurable gain, and nothing tangible that comes from it. If you've spent months or years "just" surviving, it can feel like lost time. But when you're grappling with suicidal thoughts, just hanging on is indeed an accomplishment. Some people don't. And even if all you're doing is surviving, the world around you is changing. The only thing anyone can predict with certainty is that nothing is permanent, and change is inevitable. Things may get better, or they may get worse, or they may just get different.

Battling your depression to a stalemate is progress. Keep fighting it. Savour every small victory, and keep an eye out for ways to make that fight easier. Change will come. Embrace it when it does.

[Perpetual Motion]

One regrettable thing I did have to do today was turn down an offer for a job interview. I sent out the application about a month ago when I was doing a bit better, but the way things are now I'm in no condition to deal with that kind of stress, especially since this job would have been kinda intense and has a fair bit of a commute. Just another thing to add to the pile, I suppose.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

The pile of what exactly? Failures? Why would this count as a failure? You recognized your own ability and found it wanting for this specific task. I actually applaud you for that. Going down that route would've caused more grief than it was worth. There will come a time where you can handle such stress but it is not now. You're doing better than you think!

[Madeline]

Princess Flufflebutt is right.

My therapist got sick and canceled on me an hour before my appointment today. I can’t blame her for it but I wanted to talk to her about all the problems I’ve been having lately.

[Mr. Big]

Princess Flufflebutt is right.

My therapist got sick and canceled on me an hour before my appointment today. I can’t blame her for it but I wanted to talk to her about all the problems I’ve been having lately.

Hopefully the next one will be on schedule and you can manage until then!

[Madeline]

Hopefully the next one will be on schedule and you can manage until then!

I’ve got one next week, so I think it’ll be okay. They told me that if I have another crisis but am not feeling suicidal, I can still go to the crisis center and talk to a counselor for free, so there’s that option.

[Perrydotto]

Glad to know you have backups. You got this, Madeline.

[Perpetual Motion]

I can't stand myself. It's like being stuck in a small room with someone you hate, and everything that person says and does reflects badly on you as well. I'm too much of a coward to get anything done. All I can do is wish I was some different person without all of these flaws. I'm surrounded by exceptional people, but I'm nothing like them. And I know that it's not helpful to compare myself to them and be jealous, but I can't help it, which is yet another thing I can't stand about myself. How can I stand out or be successful when everything I do is held up to the standards of geniuses and prodigies? I'm not any of those, and I never will be. All I can do is disappoint.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

I can't stand myself. It's like being stuck in a small room with someone you hate, and everything that person says and does reflects badly on you as well. I'm too much of a coward to get anything done. All I can do is wish I was some different person without all of these flaws. I'm surrounded by exceptional people, but I'm nothing like them. And I know that it's not helpful to compare myself to them and be jealous, but I can't help it, which is yet another thing I can't stand about myself. How can I stand out or be successful when everything I do is held up to the standards of geniuses and prodigies? I'm not any of those, and I never will be. All I can do is disappoint.

Here's the thing. Who*s exactly holding you to those impossible standards? Are there people around you deliberately telling you you're a disappointment for not meeting them? And that raises the question, why should you care what they think you should do?
There is no shame in feeling jealous. It's a natural emotion everyone feels at one point or another. Hell, I'm kinda jealous you can make an interesting game mechanic. I am not saying you're wrong for feeling these things, but rather I want you to think about these feelings. See where they're coming from. Are these voices being reasonable? Are you really failure in every sense of the word? A good thing to do is to write down the things you've managed to accomplish that day. Anything, even small things like getting out of bed, eating breakfast, taking a shower, walking, doing the dishes, whatever. You're not as much of a failure as you think you are, and you're more significant and talented than that nasty, ol' voice in your head is saying you are.

[Perpetual Motion]

The thing is, there isn't any significant thing in my adult life that I have succeeded at. I've lost every job, failed every project, and lost every scrap of independence I've ever had. It's hard to see getting out of bed as an accomplishment when my day ends up being the same whether I sleep it all away or not. And it's not an impossible standard to be compared to my siblings. They've been given the same education and opportunities that I've had, and they've succeeded where I've failed. I'm 3-8 years older than all of them, and all of them have passed me up in life.

And all this wraps back around to why I hate myself. I'm able to justify and accept every negative thought in my head, which is why I'm depressed in the first place. It's like I'm choosing to be disabled, because the path to not be this way is so clear and obvious, but I just don't have the strength to take it.

[Perpetual Motion]

Blah, sorry. I shouldn't be so negative. It's just hard to feel worthwhile when my talents and abilities aren't bringing me the kind of success everyone else in my life has. What I really need to do is break through this fog of negativity somehow and work on something. I'm trash at figuring out how to do that, though.

[diribigal]

They've been given the same education and opportunities that I've had

Aside from the abstract idea that it's not going to be identical for any two people, this is also wrong because you have struggles with mental illness they don't. I don't think you'd beat yourself up for not being a great runner (if they were) if you had a long term leg injury, and mental illness is no different.

[Perpetual Motion]

The difference with mental illness is that it feels like if I just push hard enough and long enough that I can break through and move forward. I've been so close so many times that it has to be possible, right? And therefor if I can't beat this then I've failed and it's all my fault. Now, I know, logically, that that isn't the case. Doesn't stop the the thoughts from happening, though.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

Well, mental illness is also a very effective, manipulative liar. Your struggles are nothing to sneeze at. The fact that you've managed this far regardless of it is signs of strength, not weakness. I honestly admire you at times. Even when you struggle, you have not completely given up. Those thoughts come up all the time, yes. But they're unreasonable. Are you really that unsuccessful? Just look at the indie dev thread you made! It's an interesting concept and no failure could come up with that! A failure would not confide with her problems like you do. You are a strong woman. Regardless of that voice in your head.

[minty]

Thanks everyone for the support. So far, I was told that any information shared would be strictly business.

I had a breakdown at work again, but it was more crying than angry this time. Not progress exactly, but I don't feel as emotionally wasted afterwards. There's also some small changes at work that might help me. They're kind of hard to explain unless you work there.

[Madeline]

Tried to do responsible thing and get help, but my insurance won’t cover another stay at the crisis center.

I’m convinced that the universe just fucking hates me, at this point.

[Perpetual Motion]

Try and move up your next therapy/psych appointment if you can. Ask if there are any slots open for emergencies, since I know that some practices keep them just in case. Also please remember that if it comes down to it, go to the ER and tell them what's wrong, and they'll do everything in their power to help you, especially if you feel like you might harm yourself. Your life is worth more than money, no matter what you may think at the time. Please stay safe, and know that we're rooting for you. You can make it through this!

[Madeline]

I couldn’t do anything because I don’t have any money, and because my dad has always made it very clear that he won’t pay any bills I run up. I probably should have gone to the ER, but I got cold feet about talking to strangers. I guess I would like to see my therapist, because at least she listens to my concerns and is willing to adjust to me as long as I keep my end up and work on the things she asks me to work on. But I don’t know what else to do.

I’m sorry. I keep making the same mistakes and saying the same negative things over and over again. At times I feel like I have imprisoned myself without a key. I hate being single and alone, but anytime anyone has ever gotten close, I shut them out because I can’t stop having flashbacks to what my best friend did to me. I keep trying, even though I know it doesn’t look like it, and even though I know it probably looks like I am spewing more bullshit. But it always seems to be one step forwards and two steps back.

Hidden because cw: trauma, sexual abuse

It’s so hard to be well past the halfway point in my life, to know I’m on the downhill side, and to still be so messed up emotionally and mentally. I know I’m not healthy or thinking well at all, and that’s the worst part, because even though I know it, it still overwhelms me and I still keep breaking down anyway. I can’t think of many people that I would want to have this experience for a single day, let alone for 30-some-odd years.

I hate how much it’s broken me down. Like, when I was 20 I still had enough energy that I could write and finish projects, no matter how bad they were, and still hope to be successful enough some day to support myself without having to have a day job where I have to swallow my tongue and do what I’m told (because I fucking hate being told what to do and when to do it, for better and for worse). I still had break downs, but there were calmer periods in between where I could do things. Now it’s gotten so bad that I’m lucky to get a full day without feeling bad about something, and that’s with an ever-increasing list of medications and dosages and therapy. My psychiatrist keeps trying to pinpoint if I have a personality disorder beyond “just” PTSD, anxiety, and depression, but she keeps changing her mind, and meanwhile I’m grinding my teeth so bad that I want to ask my primary care doctor about TMJ. Because it’s making my tinnitus worse and my lower jaw hurts.

And I hate being alone. I want to know what it’s like to be in a loving relationship and to be able to trust my partner. I’ve never had any kind of consensual experience and it hurts me because I feel unlovable and unattractive and disgusting no matter what anybody tells me to the contrary. I used to feel bad because I was repressing my bad experiences so hard that I was like, oh god, being an adult virgin sucks. When I finally started to try to deal with my trauma, and had to accept the fact that not only was I not a virgin but that my “first time” was traumatizing and horrible, that made me feel even worse. I would rather be an adult virgin. Somebody I liked and trusted messed me up so bad that I basically don’t function any more.

And I hate that people in the LGBTQ+ community play up the statistics about trans people, about how we’re more likely suicide risks and more likely to be the victims of violence, because that makes me afraid to transition. I mean, my god, I know why it’s important for activists to make a point to people who don’t understand, but it’s not hard to frighten me in the first place. How am I supposed to lead a fulfilling life if doing so makes me more vulnerable and even less likely to find a partner? They tell you to live in the present, not the future or the past, but my present is not much of an improvement on my past. It’s hard not to be concerned about the future when the entire world is on fire and nothing makes sense any more.

Anyway, I’m sorry. I know I’m chasing my own tail and hurting myself and strengthening all the bad thoughts rather than working on positive ones. I want to feel better. I don’t want to feel like this any more. It doesn’t feel like I’m making any progress because even when I try, there’s always someone gatekeeping, or people telling me one thing but then doing another, or just terrible coincidences coming out of nowhere, and because I can’t think clearly or lucidly very often any more, I can’t deal with it no matter how many times I do breathing exercises or read worksheets or try whatever coping skills I’ve been told to try. Sometimes they work, a lot of the time it comes on so strong and so fast that I can’t stop it. I know I’m asking way too much of people here and I’m sorry about that, too.

I know there isn’t much anybody can do for me, especially since I’m bad at maintaining contact with people or letting myself be vulnerable. I hate even making posts like this because I’ve had nightmares for years about them being used against me to destroy my life. but I can’t stop myself making them because I want to connect with other people so badly even though it terrifies me at the same time. I hate being like this. I hate that I make people feel like they can’t share their problems. I hate that I’ve probably made people afraid to interact with me. I hate that I’ve alienated people who wanted to help me, and lost most of the friends I had here 5 years ago because they’ve moved on or because I damaged the relationship. I hate that I beat myself up in public. Everything about this is a stupid, bad, terrible situation that I’m supposed to be working through and trying to heal and it’s just not going well yet.

The only reason I can’t bring myself to go all the way and end it is because I know it will hurt and traumatize other people. I can’t inflict what I feel on other people. It’s like physical pain in my jaw, neck, shoulders, chest and stomach, it hurts so bad. I want people to be happy, because there’s precious little enough happiness to go around. I want other people to have it better than I have. It hurts me that I don’t have those things in my life, but when people I care about find a partner or advance their careers or find something that really makes their life better in some way, it makes me feel good, too. I can’t bring myself to ruin that for anybody, even if it would just slightly bum them out for five seconds or five minutes before moving on and eventually forgetting about it. I don’t want to be part of the problem in this world.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, at this point, other than to say that I feel trapped because I can’t give up, but I also can’t stand where I am any more, and there doesn’t seem to be anything much I or anyone else can do about it, because I stuck myself in here well and good and I’m afraid to screw it up and make things even worse.

[Madeline]

I’m sorry I hurt people. I’m even more sorry that I’ll probably do it again. I wish I was as good as everyone used to tell me I was.

[Perpetual Motion]

The only person you're hurting is yourself when you beat yourself up like this. You've been through a lot that isn't your fault, and the fact you're still here is a sign of strength, not weakness. You are good! We wouldn't all be your friends if that wasn't the case.

[Madeline]

I don’t know, I can’t even leave a forum properly. I keep ending up in crisis even with therapy and meds. Every time I start thinking about transition I go into crisis. I talk to somebody when I’m in crisis and it doesn't stick because it happens again 3 days later. Especially because I will do and say anything to keep from being hospitalized again, because I was terrified the entire time I was there and hoping more people wouldn’t be admitted. It didin’t help that one of the people in there was a literal white supremacist (complete with tats) who exploded into transphobic ranting when I was trying to explain myself to a psychiatrist over Skype (which I also hated, it’s so goddamn impersonal but my current one does it too and it’s another factor in why I don’t like her). Oh, and the same psychiatrist told me “gender identity is irrelevant to your case,” even though it was literally the fucking reason why I was there.

If anyone wants to know why I’ve made shit up in the past, there it is. No one in my offline life actually listens to me or cares about what the fuck I say. They hear what they want to hear and disregard the rest, to steal a line from Paul Simon. And I can’t assert myself worth shit so it just keeps happening over and over again. And I just passively let it happen. So if nobody believes me anyway, and people think I’m full of shit anyway, what is the point? The local shelter won’t accept me because I’m trans, and if I went there again anyway my parents would freak out and call the cops and file a missing persons report (which has also happened before). I can’t get access to low-income housing because I’m not working. I can’t work because my mental health is so bad that I’ve never held down a job for more than two months, and then I’m unemployed for years after that. I also have no job skills. But that also makes me ineligible for disability or unemployment.

I’ve screwed up my life bad, here. I literally have no idea of what to do and I don’t think anyone I know believes me, not even my therapist. I used to always think that I’d meet someone and it would fix things, or that I would finally finish writing a novel and that would at least let me support myself, but relationships and success don’t fix mental illness. So I feel desperate and lonely all of the time and I know I’m not the only one or even an important case. People here have it worse than me, too. I am actually trying to do all the right things and work on what my therapist tells me to do and take the pills I am supposed to take. That doesn’t fix the fact that my life is a complete shambles thanks to my nonexistent decision making skills. But everyone wants me to take it easy and take it slow and meanwhile I am sitting here thinking that I am old enough to where I could die at any time with all this business left unfinished.

I’ve been waiting so long for good things to happen. How much longer am I supposed to wait? My therapist is fond of telling me that nothing in my life is working and that’s why I’m in therapy (she says it every time I see her), and it’s like, no shit. I’m not a fucking 4 year old, I do have basic reasoning and pattern recognition skills, I wouldn’t even fucking be here if I was happy with my life. I know things are wrong and I know my way of thinking needs to change. I’m fed up with all of this. It pisses me off. It’s the only motivation I’ve got left.

[Perpetual Motion]

I wish I could come up with a strategy for unwinding and relaxing. I actually managed to get some stuff done today, however little it may have been, which is a decent victory in my book. But now I'm stuck with this... anxious buzz(?) in my head that's keeping me from doing much of anything. I think it's guilt over not doing enough productive, but even if I try to work on something else, I'm just being pulled in too many directions mentally to focus on any of it.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

You could try sitting down, with a straight back, close your eyes and either focus on your breathing or the sounds around you. I find that quite helpful myself.

[Perpetual Motion]

I finally pulled the trigger and officially quit Walmart. I should feel relieved, but of course that awful part of me that sees my every action as failure is all over this, so I'm just sitting alone in my room crying over fucking Walmart. I hate my brain.

[Perpetual Motion]

Negative feedback loops suck.

I want to write the thing->But thing will be a failure->There is no point in writing the thing->I didn't write the thing->I've failed at writing the thing->There is no point in writing the thing.

I can't seem to be able to break out of that pattern enough to write more than a few hundred words a day, if at all. I know I'm not going to be able to fix a years-long problem overnight, but I sure wish I could.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

Every time you manage to break out of the cycle and write a few hundred words is a time you have succeeded. You have not failed to write the thing. There are days where you don't manage to write, but you don't have to beat yourself over it. You can instead say today is a rest day. And put it in your calendar that tomorrow you shall write some arbitrary amount of words. Say, I don't know, ten words.

[Perpetual Motion]

It's just that progress is so slow, and it just feels like I'll never get done. It's why I didn't even bother with NaNoWriMo this year. It's made all the worse by the fact that I have this idea in my head that won't go away, and I feel like I need to make it real. I feel like I'm letting myself down every time I fail to make any appreciable progress, and the only thing stopping me from giving up entirely is that I can't think about anything else.

[Perpetual Motion]

Anyway, sorry that I've been posting here so much, especially when I'm essentially asking questions I already know the answers to or just complaining about things nobody but me can fix.

I had an appointment with my therapist today, and we worked on writing up a list of problems I'm having for my psychiatrist. The disconnect between the different people in charge of my treatment has been a big part of my problems lately, so hopefully we'll be able to figure out some change that can help me now that people are actually talking to each other.

[Madeline]

My next appointment with my psychiatrist is next week, and I’m not looking forward to it. Especially since her response to me saying “I’m having lots of bad side effects on my meds but absolutely no improvements in mood” has been to raise the dose every time and make the side effects worse. I can barely stand upright sometimes. My therapist wants my meds changed and out that in my chart, but I’m not sure if it will help. This is pretty much the same experience I’ve had with 99% of medical personnel. They don’t listen to a thing you say.

And my doctor thinks I should change out both of them for someone more trans-friendly, so none of the people in my care network agree on anything either.

I wish I could get a reboot on my life. The showrunner sucks and the stunt casting has been terrible for the last couple of years

[Perpetual Motion]

My appointment with the psychiatrist went decently well. He's decided that if SSRIs aren't helping me after 5 years of trying them, then we need to move on to something different. He's starting me on vortioxetine, which is a pretty new drug, and he prescribed me a dedicated anti-anxiety medication that I can take when I need it. Hopefully this all works out. I really need a way to stay on my feet.

[Madeline]

Here’s hoping it works out for you.

[Madeline]

A small update here, but I finally quit taking the lamotrigine without waiting for my psychiatrist’s say-so last week. I cannot even begin to describe how much better I feel now that it’s starting to leave my system. It wasn’t just the constant suicidal ideation that scared me, it was also muscle tremors, double vision, all sorts of digestive issues, back pain, dizziness, hot flashes, you name it. My memory’s always been bad, but it was starting to get so bad that I couldn’t remember even simple words. It was like having aphasia. The last straw was when I felt so weak and dizzy that I fainted a few nights ago. Also the whole “having intense suicidal thoughts again a little over two months after being hospitalized for them” thing, I can’t stress that part enough.

I’m going to have to either get new meds, or go in harder on therapy, because I am not taking that shit again. I felt like I was a zombie. It was like being in the low of a depressive cycle all of the time, because I had no energy, except I also felt sick and couldn’t think clearly at all. As ineffective as the fluoxetine sometimes seems to be, it does not make me physically ill or faint or feel like a zombie.

[Mr. Big]

Glad it's making you feel better, Madeline! Good luck

[theGECK]

Well, I'm back, after almost a month away. I've gotten myself more together so I'm only having an average of one panic attack a day, and they only last 20-40 minutes instead of 1-2 hours, with the occasional 7 hour one thrown in for fun. Combination of meds, radical acceptance, and learning tools to cope has been a part of this all.

That plus learning my physical tells so that if it happens at work I don't just have to push it down and get through the day, I can find a problem in a networking closet somewhere and go shake away from people's eyes for awhile.

[Perpetual Motion]

The whole deal with my HRT I posted about in the GSM thread has me really freaked out. I'm so paranoid that something's gone horribly wrong that it's majorly triggering my anxiety. This was the one area of my life I felt like I was making progress in, and if unforeseen serious medical conditions are getting in the way of that, then I'm back to square one with absolutely nothing going for me in life. I know I'm probably overreacting, but rational thought has never been my strong suit.

[Madeline]

I got my meds changed today. The psychiatrist still won’t gender me properly and I dread seeing her, but I don’t have any other options I can afford right now.

[Madeline]

Another update: my therapist set me up with a small DBT group. I haven’t liked group therapy in the past, but I’m at the point where I’m willing to try just about anything to stop all the bullshit in my head.

[Mr. Big]

Hope it works out, Madeline!

[Factory Factory]

It can take a while for DBT to really click. Keep with it, even if it seems arcane and bullshitty at first. The real key is to practice* everything so that 1) you have the skills available if and when you need them, and 2) you find the five or so skills that really make a huge difference to you.

* And I mean practice, like you would practice drawing or playing an instrument or athletics. Really put in the effort to do things even if you feel you understand them, because DBT skills are things you do and train yourself in, not just learn about.