RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Thu Feb 28, 2019 8:29 am

I think you should still try to talk a counselor because beating yourself up like that for failures is probably not a good thing. And the fact that you're questioning if you're in that category means that you are quite certainly not in it.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Thu Feb 28, 2019 8:35 am

Before I get into the RUSP stuff, if you find yourself in a deadline crunch like this, you can always ask for an extension because of the confluence of deadlines. Worst case, they all say no and you're no worse off. But if even one out of three say "yes", then you have made things easier to manage.
I've been in a cycle lately where I will do virtually nothing on the weekends,
I remember being in a weekly cycle like the one you described, and it was really bad for me, even when I was "getting things done". I would recommend you start doing things to chip away at that cycle. If you don't feel like being social, at least take a morning/afternoon walk around your area on the weekends of something.
Some part of me says this is ridiculous, but...
No rationalizing. Several things are ridiculous: both the idea that it's good that you're falling back into this old habit, and the idea that you deserve it, and the idea that you're worthless.

It sounds like you've been doing pretty well at your schoolwork for the past year, which is very commendable. Having trouble and/or mental health struggles have nothing to do with your worth!

You've mentioned this thought experiment has helped you in the past: would you ever tell someone here or one of your classmates "oh, you're worthless/deserve such and such" just because they have trouble managing their time or whatever? I hope not. So don't tell yourself that either.
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Wed Feb 27, 2019 3:55 pm
...coping methods...
I'm not a professional trained to address this sort of thing, but you seem to be saying "here's an argument/rationalization as to why this is effective for me in the short term", without addressing at all the idea that it could have side effects (e.g. your self esteem) or negative long-term consequences.

I really worry that you think arguments like the one you gave are solid arguments in favor of deepening your relapse. And I personally hope you will take steps other than these posts to get help to move away from this path.
the assumption that all work will involve suffering, but in all my life I can't say I've found evidence otherwise
This is more of an aside, but maybe a less reductive analogy would be that work is like doing real-world construction. It usually involves the pain of lifting heavy things, but if you train your body, eat right, learn strategies for lifting the right way, and have your injuries (mental or physical) treated, that pain could be much less to the point where the lighter things basically don't hurt at all.
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:35 am
The one alternative I sometimes consider is whether there's some way for me to get myself to be more persistent in work and less prone to wanting to do anything else in the first place. I think about how I've heard that this is what people with ADD go through and that there are medications to help them stay more focused, but I'm afraid to ask about that.
They don't ask about it right now. As someone who gets treatment from therapists for symptoms shared by those with ADHD, I can say from some authority that there's a heck of a lot of things that can be tried other than medication, that a good therapist will be able to suggest medication if they feel it might help, and that even if medication ends up being right for you, you don't have to rush into it.
While my university offers free counseling and dirt-cheap psychiatry, that'd still require me to open up to new people (mental health professionals, admittedly, but new people nonetheless)
I'd say that if you're avoiding going to a doctor for a medical condition (physical or mental) because you're embarrassed about opening up, it's honestly more important that you go get the help you need than that you think of them as people. If clinical detachment helps you here, so be it.
and I'm sure they've seen thousands of students in the past who are just hitting them up for pills that'll let them work harder.
1. You're wrong. The stigma against getting help for mental problems means that many students who need help like that are more likely to get pills on the black market than seek psychiatric help. In some cases the help they need is more or maybe very different than the pills they get, but sadly they don't know since they won't or can't see a professional.
2. Why "just"? Is wanting to work harder a bad thing? Is needing help to work harder a bad thing? If they/you have a medical condition (physical or mental) and are trying to get help somehow, that doesn't say anything negative about them/you!
How do I know I'm not in that same category? I'm afraid of going through that whole process only to ultimately be told the same thing all my life, that I just have to do it, have to force myself to do the work even when I'm sick of it.
Your fear is valid, but misplaced. And the great thing about therapy is that you can tell your counselor/therapist this fear and they'll be understanding and help you move past it.

The idea that a (good) therapist would do that is so reductive/dismissive of where mental health is today, especially for common symptoms like the ones you've shared in these posts, that I'm a little offended on behalf of my therapists and others who have helped me for hours and hours without saying something as naive and unhelpful as a completely unqualified "you just have to do it".

Imagine saying "yeah I see this big painful bump on my arm, but I'm afraid of going to the doctor just to be told 'you just have to suck it up' (because I assume medical science doesn't have any treatments?)"
I'm feeling better today.
I'm really glad to hear it. I hope you can start to take advantage of that counseling center while you have the energy.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Thu Feb 28, 2019 12:10 pm

First, I thank all three of you for reading what I wrote, as well as anyone else who may have read all that and wished me well. Somehow I managed to avoid crying in class as I thought about what you all said.
Perrydotto wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 8:27 am
There will likely always be things in life that are hard for you, or unpleasant. I doubt anything can change that entirely, I'm afraid. However, therapy and medication are meant to be tools that help you with these things. Ideally, they are part of a net of things, things that come from you or other sources and that work together to help you.
I accept and understand that life won't always be sunshine and roses. My main concern in that regard is, in times like these where I have to face something unpleasant (in this case, the struggle of forcing myself to stay focused on something uninteresting), if I'll ever be strong enough to do it without resorting to increasing my own suffering. In the past I always got by with either finding another way to do something or, as I've done in school up until I started back a few years ago, avoiding it entirely and having my grades suffer for it. I know now that the latter simply isn't an option in life.

I've tried therapy and medication in the past and they didn't help, but there's an important consideration there. In my case, the past was over a decade ago, when I was a teenager and when I didn't think I had any role in my health. The counselors and psychiatrists I saw variously thought my problems were symptoms of anxiety or depression and prescribed antidepressants which, in hindsight, did not help one bit. However, I never said as such, relying instead on what my parents and teachers noticed about me.

Now that I have a better perspective both of myself and of the slightly trial-and-error nature of medication in mental health, I feel like I could get more out of this sort of treatment now than I did in the past, but I'm still scared to start. I know my university makes it easy, with its counseling center being open for walk-in intake appointments every day Monday-Thursday. I even found the counseling center yesterday after class, went in, found where their front desk was... and turned around and left the building before anyone even noticed me. I'm afraid of the first step of opening up (though I know I could make that a lot easier by copying down what I'm writing right now and using that as I'm introducing myself and my troubles), afraid of possibly being wrong about my feeling that I'd get more out of this now, and (as irrational as it is) I am still afraid of being seen as some sort of pill-hunting doctor shopper as I previously described.

The possibility of freedom from this struggle with myself and of actual health and happiness instead of just pain now vs. pain later is extremely tempting. It is almost enough to get me to take this first step, hence me looking into and talking about this. And yet, here I am, still not sure if success is likely enough that it's going to be worth the effort it will require.

Still haven't beaten myself at all today.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:07 pm

Lately I've had some opportunities to reflect on what's bothering me. Aside from the trouble with staying focused on things I don't particularly want to do, I've talked in the past about my other big problem, being afraid of failure. I think now that's a bit of an oversimplification, in that I'm not so much afraid of failure as I am afraid of being seen as a failure and thus embarrassing myself.

As one example, I was just at the grocery store. I needed to get pizza sauce, something I don't often get, and as I was looking at the tomato sauces and not seeing it I started feeling panic build up inside of me. The longer I stood there looking, the more likely it was that a store employee would eventually see me and ask if I needed help finding something, at which point I would have failed! Thankfully the sauce I needed was just a bit to the right of where I was looking, but had I not found it before someone told me where it was, I'm not sure if I would've looked like a bigger or smaller idiot than if it was in a completely different aisle or something.

That kind of worry and panic hurts. When I start feeling that, it feels like my guts are crawling and my limbs are shaking, and I wonder if I still look okay or if I have some kind of wide-eyed grimace on my face. If I have someone with me when I'm doing anything like that (most often shopping or going to a restaurant) then that pretty much never happens, but on my own if I can't be very well certain of my success (or at least my failure not being noticed; shopping at big stores helps with this, for example) before I start then I'll often avoid it wherever possible. And if I can't avoid that for some reason, I feel like I start getting the same negative feelings that built up to where I lapsed back into beating myself two weeks ago.

It's my spring break right now. Next week, though, I really need to go to my university's counseling center when I can and start that whole process. Somehow I feel like I don't deserve to live with this sort of worry and that it's worth at least trying to get help, even if that first step scares me so.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Tue Mar 19, 2019 1:45 am

You are right that you shouldn’t have to live with this.

Could you give me your personal definition of ‘failure’?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:39 pm

kookwowse wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 1:45 am
Could you give me your personal definition of ‘failure’?
The closest definition I can come up with is that it's anything I do that isn't "good enough." That's extremely vague, though! And that's a problem. If my standard is so poorly defined that I can keep constantly shifting it upwards, I can look at anything I've done, realize how I could have done better, raise my standard, and instead of feeling accomplished suddenly feel horrible. There's been an awful lot of things in life where I've started out enthusiastic but after a few weeks I drop it because, once I'm to the point where I'm learning from experience, I feel like I was a complete fool for having even tried. About all the things I've stuck with in life have been those where either I have to do them by circumstance (see most anything in school) or where I've had friends repeatedly encouraging me to keep going. I know I'm being incredibly harsh on myself, but I don't know how to stop.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:50 pm

Yesterday I had a big programming project come due, once which I'd known about for most of the month but had hardly worked on up until this past weekend. With the majority of the work still to be done, I had an idea for how to do it: I'd take my laptop to my university's library and work on it there. What usually stops my work is the thought that I could be doing anything else, but if I put myself in an environment where there is far less other stuff to do, I can get more done. And it worked; I got it all done in six hours, losing track of time were it not for my watch bugging me to stand up at least once an hour, and from the sound of things I think I had an easier time than the classmates I talked to this morning.

It might sound like a useful coping strategy, but I'm conflicted. By sitting in the open at the library (vs. my usual spot in some nook on one of the highest floors, back to the wall and away from where people usually come walking), I took away options for messing around like visiting these forums or checking Discord or whatever. It felt like I was using my worry about being identified for anything, my worry of having people snoop on me, to restrict myself to something I was supposed to be doing. I'm glad it worked, but I know I still need to be better, because I won't always be able to rely on going out in public to get work done.

(This isn't particularly related to the last post before mine, it's just something that happened to me recently.)
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Mar 26, 2019 2:41 pm

I made some private posts on another site where I unwisely opened up to people and one of them turned out to be a sexual predator. I feel horrible because A) I couldn’t spot it even though it was obvious to others and B) also I feel violated that this person knows what I look like and about my past.

Last few weeks have been very rough but this did not help, at all. I’m really struggling with this.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:39 pm

That sucks so much, Madeline. I know I've said this before but you are NOT at fault for giving a person your trust and that person turns out to be undeserving. That risk is sadly always there, but it doesn't mean you are a bad person for wanting to open up to people. You are not stupid or bad because you couldn't spot a sexual predator from miles away. Especially the internet gives people like that the capability to hide if they really set out to do so. Predators also often purposely act in ways that charm people or make themselves look innocent and trustworthy. You don't have clairvoyance, don't expect yourself that you somehow need to. Just because others knew doesn't mean you are stupid because you didn't.

I know it's small comfort right now but I'd like to ask: How did the other people in the group react? Did you get any positive or sympathetic replies? Maybe one or two people you think you can bond with further? If you find a calm moment, try to consider that, too.

I'm proud of you that you opened up and took the risk, I really am. It's hard as hell and can really make you feel vulnerable. But it's also incredibly brave to do, and can often lead to serious, trusting connections with people. Stumbling in this area sometimes and running into folks who are real terrible dicks doesn't make what you did less brave, or less important. I'm really rooting for you that you take care of yourself and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong, and that every time you open up, step by step, is another chance for good.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 1:59 am

Perrydotto wrote:
Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:39 pm
That sucks so much, Madeline. I know I've said this before but you are NOT at fault for giving a person your trust and that person turns out to be undeserving. That risk is sadly always there, but it doesn't mean you are a bad person for wanting to open up to people. You are not stupid or bad because you couldn't spot a sexual predator from miles away. Especially the internet gives people like that the capability to hide if they really set out to do so. Predators also often purposely act in ways that charm people or make themselves look innocent and trustworthy. You don't have clairvoyance, don't expect yourself that you somehow need to. Just because others knew doesn't mean you are stupid because you didn't.

I know it's small comfort right now but I'd like to ask: How did the other people in the group react? Did you get any positive or sympathetic replies? Maybe one or two people you think you can bond with further? If you find a calm moment, try to consider that, too.

I'm proud of you that you opened up and took the risk, I really am. It's hard as hell and can really make you feel vulnerable. But it's also incredibly brave to do, and can often lead to serious, trusting connections with people. Stumbling in this area sometimes and running into folks who are real terrible dicks doesn't make what you did less brave, or less important. I'm really rooting for you that you take care of yourself and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong, and that every time you open up, step by step, is another chance for good.
People in the group were generally sympathetic. People were all shocked and disgusted, except for the women he victimized. But now it’s happened again, in a much worse way, with a person I was friendlier with because I felt sorry for her. Whoops, that was a mistake because she posted anime porn to my timeline which has probably gotten me on a watch list thanks to its despicable and revolting content, despite me reporting it to the relevant people. Also she creeps on much younger posters, including one who has been sharing said materials with her, and Jesus fucking Christ just burn down the internet and all the horrible broken people on it.

I want to throw up.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 2:02 am

Yeesh, that's pretty rotten. So sorry you're going through this, Madeline :facehoof:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 2:11 am

Oh good lord, Madeline. That is terrible to go through. :ohdear:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 2:48 am

CW: sexual assault, CSA
I’m wary of triggering anyone, but this is honestly not feeling all that different from the times I got groped on a bus, minus the horrible physical discomfort. I have a lot of trouble trusting anyone or being friendly to anyone, and I felt like I was working through some of my own issues and biases by extending a hand to this person. She slapped me in the face and validated my initial mistrust in the most triggering way anyone could do to me online, with an image that made me flashback to the times I *was* physically attacked and hurt. I’m sitting here doped to the absolute maximum safe dosages on everything and hugging a teddy bear to take the edges off.

Kind of glad I have group tomorrow for once because I can talk to the facilitator about this and not let it fester. This is bad. Thinking I’m gonna call the crisis center because I know they usually have a counselor on who knows how to deal with trauma. (me thinking about voluntarily calling strangers = super bad)

I probably sound like a drama queen or something, I don’t know, I’m so sorry

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 2:55 am

You do not sound like a drama queen. This was utterly terrible and I am glad you're reaching out to someone with this. I hope talking about it tomorrow will help.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 3:53 am

I know I'm not supposed to beat myself up. But that can't stop me from thinking about it. Day in and day out I feel like such a wreck. Such a waste of space. Such a talentless hack, fraud, and coward. It's gotten to the point where I haven't done a single productive thing in over a month. I can't write, I can't code, I can't do anything. Not that it would matter if I did try. All I've done is fail over and over again, and pattern recognition is kicking in. I've been trying to avoid posting here, since it easily fits into a negative feedback loop, but since I've had to go without therapist appointments for the last month (she went on vacation), I've had literally nobody to talk to about anything. I couldn't just keep sitting on these emotions, so here we are. Sorry to waste more space with my bullshit.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:14 pm

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Wed Mar 27, 2019 2:55 am
You do not sound like a drama queen. This was utterly terrible and I am glad you're reaching out to someone with this. I hope talking about it tomorrow will help.
:flutterunsmith: Yeah, I did reach out to someone and I do feel a little better today. Outside of group I just did self-care and laundry.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:34 pm

Madeline wrote:
Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:14 pm
:flutterunsmith: Yeah, I did reach out to someone and I do feel a little better today. Outside of group I just did self-care and laundry.
Happy to hear! :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:18 am

Look at you, adressing your needs and reaching out to people who deserve your trust! Great stuff. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Mar 30, 2019 2:02 am

Perrydotto wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:18 am
Look at you, adressing your needs and reaching out to people who deserve your trust! Great stuff. :hug:
:flutterunsmith: I’m trying to do better

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Apr 03, 2019 1:03 am

I don't know what to do with myself, in both the short and long term. I spend my days doing almost nothing, and I have no plan as to where I'm going or what I'll be doing in the future. I have hopes and dreams that I'll never be able to realize, and that's about it. What good am I to anyone? I'm just a drain on everyone around me, and I don't see a way of changing that.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Wed Apr 03, 2019 7:28 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Wed Apr 03, 2019 1:03 am
I have hopes and dreams that I'll never be able to realize, and that's about it.
Can you see into the future?

Humans are not static beings but dynamic processes, who we were yesterday is not who we are today, and nothing can be said about tomorrow.

Using absolute (static) terms to describe yourself (a dynamic being) can't be anything but verbal fiction and should be avoided. Are you the same person as when you were born? Of course not! It's actually kind of ludicrous that many (not all) of us use the same name throughout our lives to refer to essentially different beings, if you think about it.

A potentially useful technique which helped me a lot is dating, as in: append a date to who- or whatever you are talking about to reflect this dynamic nature. It would be wrong to say I wet the bed, but it would not be wrong to state I1982 did so.

Likewise, I'm not lazy in all aspects of my life, but today IApril 3, 2019 damn sure am.

It seems silly. But it does help in dissuading absolute thinking, which you yourself seem kinda prone to if you don't mind me saying.

If the language we use functions as sort of a map of the world around us, we must ensure that we keep with our words as close to reality as possible. A map is only useful if it reflects the territory it describes as closely as possible (similarity of structure); if cities and countries were switced around from how they relate to each other in the real world, the map would lead us astray.

Language, if not similar in structure to the world 'outside' will lead us astray.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Apr 03, 2019 4:08 pm

It sure as hell feels like things are static. I've been in this same rut for almost a decade now, and the only thing that has changed is things getting worse. How many times do I have to try and get better before I actually do? I just don't see the path I should take. It feels like I've tried everything.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Apr 04, 2019 4:41 am

I dunno, I guess I'm just frustrated. I have ideas knocking around in my head that I want to realize, but every time I try I hate what I make and give up. I guess this latest slump is just me giving up entirely. After all, how many times do I have to punch the brick wall before I learn to stop hurting my hand?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Apr 05, 2019 12:20 am

Maybe you shouldn’t be giving up on things forever when you’re only 27? It seems like you should talk to someone about all or nothing thinking.

Also, I’m really pissed at my psych for taking away my anxiety meds, because I’m having the worst attack I’ve had since last summer and I have nothing but cat videos to take the edge off. All because “I don’t like to prescribe anything habit forming” and because she cares more about my weight than my emotional/mental wellbeing

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Apr 05, 2019 12:43 am

I (finally!) have a therapy appointment tomorrow, so hopefully we can talk things over and come up with some sort of strategy. Sorry for uselessly spinning my wheels here these last couple days. I just've just had no one to talk to for over a month now, and things kinda boiled over.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Apr 06, 2019 12:14 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Fri Apr 05, 2019 12:43 am
I (finally!) have a therapy appointment tomorrow, so hopefully we can talk things over and come up with some sort of strategy. Sorry for uselessly spinning my wheels here these last couple days. I just've just had no one to talk to for over a month now, and things kinda boiled over.
It’s okay! Recovery isn’t a straight line. You’re gonna have bad days. But you’re trying and that’s great, and if you feel bad sometimes, that can happen.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Mon Apr 08, 2019 10:02 am

I’d like to leave this video here without further comment.


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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Apr 12, 2019 7:47 pm

Being creative is hard. I keep trying to put my ideas to (virtual) paper, but a big part of me is just screaming in my head that whatever I write is trash and that I should delete what I've written and never try again. As such, I can only manage to write in short bursts when I can squeeze past my anxiety, which goes against all of the writing advice I've read. I'm supposed to set aside a set time each day and write consistently, but I'm finding that to be extremely difficult for me. It doesn't help that I write extremely slowly, so it'll be ages before I even have a short story done, much less the novel that I see in my dreams. It's just hard to keep hope up.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Apr 30, 2019 8:04 pm

Ever had someone make a random offhand comment that they probably didn't think much of, but its implications end up being super hurtful? I was talking with my sister today, and we were kinda just nerding out over the implications and dumb minutia of the recent Sonic the Hedgehog and Detective Pikachu trailers, and generally just having fun. Then my mom says to my dad from the next room: "These are our adult children." And I can't help but feel the implied "they need to grow up" attached to that. And... yeah. I see her point. I'm 27, a jobless emotional wreck, and still living with my parents. I know I shouldn't care what my parents think of my hobbies and interests, but the idea that they think of them as childish at best makes it all seem pointless. Sometimes it seems like my interests are part of the problem, since there's a ton of escapism and self-indulgence wrapped up in there. I know that's not the case, but it still eats at me and makes me feel guilty for daring to enjoy anything at all.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon May 06, 2019 9:45 pm

As a counterpart post to the one I just made in PYF, I'd like to talk about my anxieties here a bit. Fear of failure is probably the single largest driving force in my life, and it has been for well over a decade. In an awful twist of irony, it has also been the biggest single reason for my failures in life. I just lock up and do nothing. I don't know how to beat it, really. It's what keeps me trapped only being able to write at most 300 words a day. I manage that much, but then I'm just mentally drained and super anxious and can't do any more. It's also then that the thoughts that what I did write is no good and that I should just delete it creep in.

I just wish I could work faster. It's so frustrating to have a large desire to put my ideas to paper, only to manage to write next to nothing, if anything at all. I at least have enough perspective to be a little proud of what I've managed in this latest attempt, but I just feel guilty and worthless and stupid. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and I can't shake that feeling.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue May 07, 2019 5:31 pm

This might seem like a goofy post but this is a short and excellent video that summarizes meditation and mindfulness better than anything else I've seen:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed May 08, 2019 6:44 am

Things have been rough. The Wellbutrin made my anxiety worse and more intense while also making it just about impossible for me to sleep. My psychiatrist refused to take me off of it, and then still refused to gender me properly, so I cancelled all my appointments with her. She pissed me off so badly that I did it over the phone and just put up with being sick afterward, if that tells you how much I dislike her. :-I I’m looking for a new one but the 2 or 3 people who take my insurance are booked full for months. I also stopped taking the Wellbutrin cold turkey because I’m still on celexa. After several days of brain zaps and itching I slept for about 32 hours straight and I’m starting to feel a little more balanced.

I dropped out of my DBT group for similar reasons. My new therapist is certified to teach DBT so we’re just continuing onwards from where I was in group, with the same text. So overall I haven’t lost any progress and I still have my study materials.

I think I can just about manage for a few months if my prescriptions run out since I’ll still be seeing a therapist in a regular basis in the interim. I refuse to put up with someone disrespecting my identity and ignoring my concerns just to keep getting antidepressants. In the past I would’ve just put up with the misgemdering and the constant monthly medication and dose switching and been miserable and hated myself, so I feel like I’ve made a step forwards by asserting myself.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed May 08, 2019 9:28 am

Fingers crossed that you can see a new psychiatrist who treats you better soon. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed May 08, 2019 10:20 am

Best of luck, Madeline! :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon May 13, 2019 5:47 pm

I got a new psychiatrist.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon May 13, 2019 5:53 pm

Madeline wrote:
Mon May 13, 2019 5:47 pm
I got a new psychiatrist.
Nice! Hoping for the best

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon May 13, 2019 6:12 pm

Fingers crossed for you, Madeline. You deserve someone who respects you and your needs 100%.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue May 14, 2019 11:24 pm

I feel like I'm stuck in this awful feedback loop. I work for so hard to accomplish what seems like so little, but I want to feel proud of my work, but I'm absolutely certain my work is trash, so I want to work harder, which only causes more anxiety and I still don't get any more done. I refuse to give up, because I've done that so many times before, and it always just results in more anxiety about not doing anything. Every option is more anxiety. Every. Single. One. I'm only staying stable by only working for a little bit each day and spending the rest of my time trying not to stress about everything. Even then, I still feel guilty about not writing at the pace I see others recommend. I'm just afraid I won't be able to keep this up and crash, and I don't know what to do about it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Thu May 16, 2019 7:58 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Tue May 14, 2019 11:24 pm
I feel like I'm stuck in this awful feedback loop. I work for so hard to accomplish what seems like so little, but I want to feel proud of my work, but I'm absolutely certain my work is trash, so I want to work harder, which only causes more anxiety and I still don't get any more done. I refuse to give up, because I've done that so many times before, and it always just results in more anxiety about not doing anything. Every option is more anxiety. Every. Single. One. I'm only staying stable by only working for a little bit each day and spending the rest of my time trying not to stress about everything. Even then, I still feel guilty about not writing at the pace I see others recommend. I'm just afraid I won't be able to keep this up and crash, and I don't know what to do about it.
I feel for you, and it seems like there are a lot of assumptions in your post that might be worth challenging. But since I'm not a professional/trained in therapy at all, and don't have a good understanding of your perspective/struggles, I don't know which ones would be (likely) good to focus on and which could be harmful.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find your way to a better state.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: ITT We post our favorite WikiHow pictures

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed May 22, 2019 12:20 pm

Mod Edit: A conversation that fit here better was moved from PPPP. -Perry

The Atkins Zone erases your ability to tell one pastry from another. within months you will be eating fatty jerky and bacon. You lay in a hospital bed, recovering after the doctors put stents into your arteries, wondering how the low-carb thread ruined your life so quickly

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