RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

[Perpetual Motion]

I live in a dinky little rural town that offers nothing to anyone who isn't a college student, and even less during the summer when all of those people go home. There's a library, but I just checked their website and all that's under their "events" tab is a completely blank calendar. I used to enjoy playing Magic the Gathering, but the one place in town that I could play just doesn't have people going there anymore, and is run by this super racist guy that I'm not comfortable giving business to anyway. I miss living on my own, since back then I lived within driving distance of any number of things to do, but that's just not an option, since I need my parents' support right now, especially since I can't work for a while.

@Jill: Yeah, I get that. I usually enjoy being alone, too. It's just when I'm stuck with no other options that it hurts the most. I don't get to choose to be alone, I just am.

[diribigal]

I'm such a clingy asshole ...It's probably why I don't have any real friends

I'm by no means a professional, but this seems completely backwards/upside down to me. It sounds like you don't have convenient opportunities to socialize, so then it's little wonder that you're desperate for socialization; that doesn't really say anything bad about you.

If it's not convenient to go anywhere where people are, maybe you can connect with people online through a new hobby and/or work or something. Like if you can't drive anywhere, you could start taking walks around and sharing pictures of your area. That's just a random idea and you would know your situation better than me.

[Quanta]

this is kinda rambling and i don't know what i was getting at sorry

I feel like the thing you're trying to say is "'get out more' is a dumb suggestion and I hate it because I'm an introvert and even saying 'hi' to someone sucks the life out of me" and I mean, yeah, I get it. But there's a reason that every therapist you'll ever talk to will keep goading you to go find shit to do outside of whatever tiny little box of a room you've decided to entomb yourself in. Why the therapists I've been working with the last 3 weeks keep pressuring everyone to think about our plans once the group ends after we've completed our 4 weeks. They know that, the second that we're free to go back to our lives that, if we aren't putting in actual effort to stay engaged with others in some capacity, we're immediately going to fall back onto old habits, and we'll be back in group sooner rather than later. Humans are social creatures, and lacking even the most basic interaction of planting your ass in a room surrounded by other humans is a good way to fall into utter despair.

Social interaction doesn't have to be a complicated thing.

I live in a dinky little rural town that offers nothing to anyone who isn't a college student, and even less during the summer when all of those people go home. There's a library, but I just checked their website and all that's under their "events" tab is a completely blank calendar. I used to enjoy playing Magic the Gathering, but the one place in town that I could play just doesn't have people going there anymore, and is run by this super racist guy that I'm not comfortable giving business to anyway. I miss living on my own, since back then I lived within driving distance of any number of things to do, but that's just not an option, since I need my parents' support right now, especially since I can't work for a while.

I would go to the library anyways, just to be in the presence of other people that weren't members of my own family. I would also check the college to see if they offer courses to the community or anything, assuming you could afford, like, a cooking class or something. If there's a gym or a rec centre or something, I'd check there, too, because regular exercise is also important in managing depression/anxiety.

You might also want to consider checking out neighbouring towns/counties and see if they have stuff going on, assuming you have a car and can afford gas/parking. Social Services are also an avenue to get in touch with community resources that could help you find resources in the community. Your therapist might also be able to direct your attention to local mental health resources that could be of use.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

My sleep schedule's been wild lately. Either I sleep 3-5 hours or I'm out for 14-16. Gonna start a sleep diary and see a doctor about this. It's not helping with everything else either.

[Perpetual Motion]

Yet another problem that I'm having is one of productivity. I'm feeling so guilty about not working that I can't enjoy myself doing non-productive things like playing video games or reading. So, I try to work on my writing instead. Unfortunately, I'm having trouble thinking of what to write at best, and having trouble thinking clearly at all at worst, so I'm barely able to get anything done. Instead I end up just sitting here doing nothing. The obvious answer is to just push through and keep writing anyway, but that's easier said than done.

[Quanta]

Yeah, it's a fine line between just having a relaxing time of leisure and using leisure activities to actively avoid the things you need to be dealing with. If you're hitting a wall writing-wise, maybe you can tidy up a bit instead. Do laundry. Clean the floors. Do the dishes. Make the bed. Just start doing something, take a break when needed, go back and finish it, celebrate your accomplishment with a round of video games or whatever, and then pick another task and repeat the process. I think you'll feel less guilty this way, because your leisure time will be broken up by productive tasks.

[Madeline]

Quick follow up: I talked to my doctor but the person who does referrals is out on vacation. I didn’t want to play phone tag, so I kicked it to next month. It’s not ideal but I don’t have the energy to handle that right now. In the meantime, I got a script to temporarily help with anxiety and sleeping.

I’m also still kind of afraid to be out of the house for too long in case of emergencies, so that doesn’t help.

[Perpetual Motion]

I've managed to fuck up my sleep schedule by a ton. Basically got more than a full night's sleep in the middle of the day, so I'm probably going to have to stay up until tomorrow night in order to reset myself. This is a part of my depression that I've never been able to get a handle on. I'm just tired all the time, and it's super easy for me to fall asleep on the spot regardless of what I'm doing. And when I sleep, I sleep for a long time if nothing wakes me up.

[Quanta]

Has your therapist recommended you for a sleep study? Something like sleep apnea could be messing with your ability to properly sleep. I'd look into that, assuming you're covered by insurance.

[West Filly]

I am in a rough place right now. For the first time in my life I have a job that pays enough money for me to support myself. The thing is, it's tough. I won't go into the specifics of my work, all I want to share is the feeling of dread I have about life. I resent the fact that I'll probably spend a lot of my time doing something I dislike just because I need to pay my way in life. This isn't a "find another job" kind of situation. Any job, even in a cooler industry, is still going to be demanding and probably something short of what I actually enjoy.

I wake up, I go to work, I come home for a meal and sleep. I find myself asking whether the things I want in life are worth the cycle of labour.

At the minute I feel alone, carrying the burden of my work and the responsibility of my living for no purpose other than to continue existing.

I wish there were people IRL I could love. A family of friends who'd just give me that bro hug and a much needed chat when shit gets like this.

[Perpetual Motion]

It's pretty common knowledge that post-convention blues are a normal thing. Doesn't make it not suck, though. Sure, I had a ton of fun this weekend, but I'm still coming away from all of this feeling unsatisfied. I'm still a socially awkward goober, so I didn't make any friends. I didn't get to hang out with anyone longer than the duration of whatever video/card game I was playing with them, I didn't get invited to any parties, and I spent a lot of money on this venture, since it was a pretty late decision to come in the first place. Some people thrive in these situations like it's the easiest thing in the world. but I just can't. I want to so bad, but I can't.

[Perpetual Motion]

Also doubleposting because tonight is not a good night. I'm in that kind of mood where I hate everything I've ever done creatively, so much so that I'm having trouble bringing myself to work on anything. But I also know that the only way to know for sure how good my work is is for people to see it, but I also know that I am terrified out of my mind of anyone ever looking at anything I've ever done, but I also know that the whole reason I'm doing anything in the first place is to make something that others can enjoy, which necessitates others seeing my work. And this whole thought process just ties me in knots that I can't really untangle. And so I freeze up and do nothing, continuing to feel that all of my work is garbage of the worst caliber. It's really not good for my mental state at all.

[Perpetual Motion]

Sorry to keep posting here, but at least I have something positive to say this time. I decided that if I want to actually write things, I should take myself more seriously and do some studying. I went to the library today and checked out two books on writing to read. The first one being the obvious "On Writing" by Steven King, and the second one being "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. No idea of that second one is going to be any good, but I read the introduction and it seems promising.

I'm going to learn as much as I can about these things and build my confidence in my own work, because what I've discovered is that I really do want to write, and when my mood is such that I'm allowed to see the positives of my work, I really can enjoy myself. Actually showing my work is still a bit beyond my grasp at the moment, but baby steps, first.

[Kronos]

Sorry to keep posting here, but at least I have something positive to say this time. I decided that if I want to actually write things, I should take myself more seriously and do some studying. I went to the library today and checked out two books on writing to read. The first one being the obvious "On Writing" by Steven King, and the second one being "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. No idea of that second one is going to be any good, but I read the introduction and it seems promising.

I'm going to learn as much as I can about these things and build my confidence in my own work, because what I've discovered is that I really do want to write, and when my mood is such that I'm allowed to see the positives of my work, I really can enjoy myself. Actually showing my work is still a bit beyond my grasp at the moment, but baby steps, first.

I would recommend looking into National Novel Writing Month, or 'NaNoWriMo' for short. November is the main month, but there are writing camps that are largely the same thing in April and July (as in it's going on right now). It's free to participate but the idea is to push yourself to write at minimum a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

[Perpetual Motion]

I was actually super psyched to try NoNoWriMo last year. I even made a thread here for it. Of course, I promptly fell apart and didn't get anything done. As it stands, even at my fastest, I can never hit the daily word goals, and even if I could occasionally, I wouldn't be able to keep it up for a whole month. It's a nice concept, but I just can't pump out even sub-par writing at that pace.

[Kronos]

I was actually super psyched to try NoNoWriMo last year. I even made a thread here for it. Of course, I promptly fell apart and didn't get anything done. As it stands, even at my fastest, I can never hit the daily word goals, and even if I could occasionally, I wouldn't be able to keep it up for a whole month. It's a nice concept, but I just can't pump out even sub-par writing at that pace.

The important thing about NaNoWriMo is to encourage writing - even if you can't hit the goals, just try your best every day. The trick is to just take some time out of every day and write. Doesn't need to be much - you just need to get into the groove, to get the creative juices flowing.

[Perrydotto]

I hope you keep exploring ways to enjoy doing what you do, PL. You really do deserve it, it cannot be said enough.

[Mir]

Set your own goals. see if you can hit half of that. if that's too easy, maybe a little more. if it's too hard maybe a little less.

[Perpetual Motion]

Okay, I'm only about half way through it, but I can thoroughly recommend "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life" by Anne Lamott to anyone interested in writing, or who suffers from mental illness that interferes with creative work, and doubly so for both. Anne uses tons of good visualizations and analogies to break down common obstacles to creating into manageable chunks, and her stories about her own struggles are super inspiring. I am so glad I stumbled across this book. I literally just picked something about writing at random out of the library's catalog, not expecting much, but it's ended up being probably the most relevant-to-my-life book I've ever read.

[Perrydotto]

That's fantastic, PL I'll definitely check that out myself, it sounds great.

[Madeline]

I’m having another breakdown and obsessing over how bad the past was again. This time, it definitely wasn’t my fault. We went out to get a burger, because nobody had slept or felt like cooking. This place had single-occupant bathrooms, so I felt okay using one. I don’t feel safe in men’s rooms, and I’m not confident or comfortable enough to use the women’s room. I’m always afraid someone will come in on me and it’s already happened twice before.

Anyway, I got sick out of nowhere before the food even got to the table. So I was already feeling bad about wasting someone else’s money and about being sick. But the lock on the door was broken, and had I known that, I eouldn’t have used it. Three different dudes walked in on me while I was sitting there being sick. One guy was just oblivious, but another was a rude as fuck employee who wanted to fix the lock, and the last guy was some creepy fuck who fucking stared at me and wanted to know why I used that bathroom. I was so flustered that I yelled at him and he lost his nerve, but come on.

Why do I always have to stand out and be a doormat? I never had any friends when I was a kid, because I was the weird kid it was safe to shit on. The only people who were nice to me were the stoner kids. Even the nerds and the theater and band kids pushed me around. My so-called “friends” in my senior year wrote homophobic slurs on my locker, my textbooks, my cassette tapes, and my gym clothes. And I was the one who got in-school suspension for it, because obviously I would want to insult myself. People would throw used tampons and shit at me. I couldn’t even walk home from school without some asshole bully chasing me, if I didn’t take the longest route possible. I don’t know how to make friends or flirt or any of that, because I never socialized. I can’t stop having nightmares about this shit or obsessing over it.

Now I’m an adult, and I’m still a doormat, and I’m still a punching bag. It never fucking ends, nobody can help me, and I don’t feel safe anywhere anymore. I can’t do anything about it, either, because I’m too scared of other people. Plus I’m going to be stuck here taking care of everyone else until I’m old and it’s too late to do anything. I see other people in mental health communities who are half my age, saying, “Wow, I’m glad I got help so I didn’t stay a shut in,” and it makes me feel like shit. I have no way to escape because people are depending on me. This is what my life is. I don’t even want to try anymore, because I keep screwing up and it hurts so bad to fail over and over again. I’m not even safe on the internet so why the fuck do I post these things for other people to see.

[Perpetual Motion]

It's okay to not be over those kinds of things. Even the smallest of mishaps in life can damage a person. I was fired from the best job of my life thanks to my mental health issues, and I still have nightmares and flashbacks to that, when for most people they would have just moved on with their life. What you went through was a million times worse, so cut yourself some slack when it comes to dealing with things like that. It's okay to not be okay. The divide between "child" and "adult" is not some magical barrier that cleanses people of who they were before, and what they experienced.

I know you're under a lot of pressure to take care of people in your family, but you need to take care of yourself, too. It helps nobody if you push yourself to the point of exhaustion or severe breakdown. At that point you can't take care of anybody. Look in to therapists, disability SSI, those kinds of things. Call a hotline if you have to. You deserve to have help. I know phones are probably terrifying. They are for me, at least. But try any trick or cheat you can think of to make the calls you need. Have someone else dial the number, for example, or drive to places in person to set up appointments. Getting a case manager is probably your best bet for these kinds of things, since they can help with paperwork/making calls. You don't have to magically develop into some social butterfly by doing these things. In fact, you very well might not, I sure as hell didn't. But having a support network outside of people you're already directly supporting is vital. I know I can't force you to make those changes in your life, and it's going to be hard, but compared to surviving what you've already survived, it's nothing.

[Madeline]

Every time I bring this up with the family, though, they always say "Oh, yeah, that's a great idea." And then they always immediately follow it up with "We can't help you with that, we can't afford it." They're both elderly and retired now. Except now they expect me to be a full-time caretaker for an indeterminate period, which was partly my own idea, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I squirreled away some money in savings, but that's not going to last forever. I haven't actually been able to write anything since last August. I looked into disability last month (which would have thrown my dad into a shitfit if he'd known, because he thinks it's morally wrong, except of course he's happy to use the VA and have my mom on Medicare and me on Medicaid) and the current rules say you are only eligible if you've worked 5 years out of the last 10. I've worked 8 months out of the last 10 years.

I'm not trying to make excuses or shoot ideas down, I genuinely have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to do. The neighbors never actually came around to help. Even our extended fucking family couldn't be assed to send us a get well soon card or email, so fuck them. It was fine for my aunt to dump her problems on me when she had cancer or when she got a divorce, but it's bootstraps and silence when we need help. The nurse in the fucking ICU could send a get well soon card to someone she'd known for three whole days.

I don't know, I didn't ask for any of this. All I wanted to do was to go to grad school, get credentialed to teach writing, and start looking for a job. When I realized that wasn't going to work any more, and that I'd lost any interest in doing the academic grind for the rest of my life, I had no idea what to do, and I felt lost, and I still feel lost and trapped. I even feel guilty about my mom being so sick because I spent all of last winter hoping I'd get some sort of survivable illness or injury just to get some perspective on my life and have something concrete to fight. It's like she got sick to teach me what a horrible idea that was. I know that's irrational and magical thinking, but that's how it feels sometimes. All I do is lie awake at night listening for the ambulance to come again. Every time I hear voices downstairs, I wake up and run downstairs to make sure it's not paramedics. I can't keep this up.

[Perpetual Motion]

What state do you live in? Because if you're on Medicaid, as far as I understand it, you should have access to mental health resources as part of your coverage. I'm on something similar, but it's not quite part of Medicaid, so I'm not entirely knowledgeable on these things. At the very least, it can't hurt to make some calls to see what is and isn't covered.

-----

So, this is kinda random, but I'm pretty sure it's related to my depression. Sometimes, most often when I'm at my lowest, I feel paralyzed. Like, literally paralyzed. I think about moving, but I meet resistance and just can't. It's an utterly bizarre sensation. I can only compare it to being in a full body cast, but since there's no tactile feedback from whatever is stopping me from moving, it feels completely alien and unreal. The only way I've figured out how to overcome this is by focusing on moving a small extremity, like a finger or my toes, first. With a bit of effort, I can move that much, at which point I can focus on moving something attached to said extremity, and so on and so forth. The problem is that if I stop moving again, like if I'm just using my computer, for example, the paralysis quickly sets in again.

It's not super distressing, especially since when it happens, I'm usually too numb to be that distressed, but I actually sat and thought about it as it was happening to me today, and I realized how utterly weird it was. Does this happen to anyone else? I'm just kinda creeped out by it now, especially since I don't know how to stop it from happening.

[Madeline]

I live in Colorado but I do still have a copay which I have to make for office visits. It's not a lot, but when you go every week, it adds up after a few months. Plus my doctor has me coming in every month to monitor me, and I already have prescriptions which need to be refilled every so often. I don't have any sort of stipend or allowance or whatnot, just what I can scrounge up from selling crap. I kinda blew through my savings last year when I had physical health issues on top of the mental ones plus brake repairs on my car, and I didn't save enough in the first place, but there's nothing I can do about that now. I feel like every plan I have to make involves outsmarting myself and my issues, and it just makes me feel really tired and defeated after a while. I'm not good at complicated. I'm not that bright, and it just starts to seem like I'm mashing my head against a brick wall.

I've had the thing where I don't want to move, or get out of bed, but I don't think I've been literally paralyzed (outside of sleep paralysis, which I get frequently).

[Perpetual Motion]

I did a little poking around, and found this website with info on certain Medicaid plans you may qualify for, and said plans have no co-pay for mental health services. From the looks of things, you can apply online and find out if you qualify right away, and there's no enrollment fee, either. I'd definitely check it out.

[Madeline]

That is my health care provider. I just assumed that since I had to pay for doctor visits, I would have to pay for therapy. I don’t know whether to be relieved, or hate myself more than ever for being dumb.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

You should be relieved because this stuff is ridiculously easy to miss.

[Perpetual Motion]

Yeah, it's not your fault that our healthcare system is some crazy labyrinthian bullshit. In an ideal world, this would never even be a concern, but instead we have all of this shit which is confusing and easy to miss.

[West Filly]

I wouldn't call it Labyrinthian. That'd imply it has no dead ends.

[Madeline]

I already have an appointment with my doctor in a little over a week from tomorrow, so I’ll wait to see what they say about a referral.

And yes, anything to do with bureaucracy and the American health care system is some major bullshit.

[Perpetual Motion]

I'm such a fucking wreck. I get all inspired and confident in myself for a little bit, and that's supposed to be a good thing, but all it does is make it hurt worse when I crash back down again. I can't get anything done, even if I try to be organized and set goals for myself. I'm just useless. I'm not even good enough for menial labor, since the stress gets to me and I break down inevitably anyway. I just want to be good at one thing. Any one thing. But I'm not, and I don't see how I ever will be.

[Madeline]

I'm such a fucking wreck. I get all inspired and confident in myself for a little bit, and that's supposed to be a good thing, but all it does is make it hurt worse when I crash back down again. I can't get anything done, even if I try to be organized and set goals for myself. I'm just useless. I'm not even good enough for menial labor, since the stress gets to me and I break down inevitably anyway. I just want to be good at one thing. Any one thing. But I'm not, and I don't see how I ever will be.

It seems more to me that you’re in a depressive phase and that is coloring your self-estimation. How can you become skilled at something without practice? Nobody makes a masterpiece on their first try, and most creators work for years or even decades at what they do to make one. If you have a professional you can talk to, it might help to bring up your feelings about success and failure.

[Madeline]

I shouldn’t be trying to help anyone. My replacement package arrived crushed and broken, and I’m too lazy and depressed to get my money back. Then I saw all the James Gunn shut going on, and it’s like every single escapist thing that I’ve used to desperately try to cope with this cruel sewage pit of a society has been ruined for me over the last 2 or 3 years. Why would I even want to “get better” to fit into a society that hates me and acts like sandpaper on my brain? It’s not a stressor I can cope with or escape. And nobody at home cares. I’m just supposed to suck it up and suffer so my mom won’t be hurt. I don’t matter and I never did.

What’s the point of anything? Maybe I really am the bad guy in everything and I deserve to be shat on and made miserable at every turn. Otherwise, the inesacapable conclusion is that evil always wins, and we’re all turbo fucked no matter what we do.

[Perpetual Motion]

Trying to help people is a noble aspiration and you are absolutely appreciated for it. You've been dealt a raw deal, but that is in no way a value judgement on you as a person. The universe doesn't work that way. And liking something that was created by a toxic person, especially when you didn't know about the toxic behavior, isn't a judgement on you, either. Plus, the goal of getting better isn't to "fit in". It's to feel comfortable with yourself no matter what awful people may think. You absolutely matter to people, and don't forget it.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

Madeline, there's no inherent point in anything, nobody really fits in in this bitch of a society and you'll get a shitty hand dealt more than once.You've done a lot for your mother and others! That alone is a great accomplishment! You are already amazing! You have not failed. It may not feel like it, but you're doing the best you can and I'm amazed how much that is.

[Mr. Big]

Lurker and Flufflebutt said it best. It's not your fault that things beyond your control are happening. You're always a big help for me, and you're someone I trust when I need story input. You've made good accomplishments as far as I'm concerned!

[Madeline]

But I’m tired of feeling like everything I love was either made by assholes, or else assholes invaded my hobbies and pushed me out with their gate keeping and insecurities. And I’m tired of being told that I can’t be who I am because it makes other people uncomfortable. But I also don’t feel safe doing anything, or going anywhere, because all I do is look at people and wonder which ones are the ones who would openly hate me if they saw me out of the closet. And I don’t want to engage further on social media because the internet isn’t safe either.

I’m worried about doing therapy because the last time I got pushed out of my comfort zone by a counselor, I had a breakdown and stopped going to most of my classes, just like I did the first time I went to college. That led to me abandoning any plans for a STEM or comp sci degree, which was a very bad decision, because I can’t even get fuckin Kmart or McDonalds to hire me. Not that degrees matter that much. I’m just in no way equipped to handle adult life on my own and any advantage would have helped. Instead I panicked over fuckin B grades and prioritized my GPA over making friends or networking. Now I feel like I live in some nightmare hellworld where Nazis always win and nothing makes sense anymore, and I should be out trying to fix it instead of feeling sorry for myself. But lately I can’t even get out of bed without being forced out of it.

[Madeline]

I’m sorry, I’ll stop. I want hope and solace, and I know nobody on Earth can offer me those things. It’s not fair of me to make other people miserable when they just want to mess around and have a good time.

[Mr. Big]

This is probably Off Topic to this thread, but my understanding is that the James Gunn thing happened because noted asshole Mike Cernovich held a grudge against him and decided to dig dirt up, so honestly, as tasteless as those tweets were, I wouldn't hold it against him TOO much.