RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

[West Filly]

If you tell yourself you need to feel calm and energetic before doing anything, you're signing yourself up for a double bind. If it were up to me there'd be an easy way to get rid of fear and tiredness, but there isn't. I know it's not an ideal solution, but the only thing that seems to work in my experience is to do things while tired and while scared.

That doesn't mean you suddenly get up and do all the big things that frighten you or all the little niggling responsibilities that feel real heavy when you're down. No one can conquer fear in a single leap like that. No one suddenly organises and meets all their responsibilities seamlessly at once either. People don't have this sudden boost of energy they can draw out to do things in a hard time either. Instead it's all a real mess and it's impossible to explain, but you might experience it at some point.

You might experience that thing which allows people to go to work even though they stayed up the night before and are unimaginably tired. That thing which possesses people to say the things they need to say even though it might destroy their families and would therefore make them unimaginably scared. It's a mess and it's impossible to explain, but somewhere inside of you is the ability to do good while feeling horrible. It's not a boost of energy that stops you feeling tired, it's not some surge of courage that'll stop you feeling scared, it's just a wire that connects the actions you imagine to the parts of your body that can act them out in the real world.

Now people are going to accuse me of missing the point. Depression and anxiety are a thing, therefore comparing the act of volition a healthy person would experience in a moment of tiredness or fear isn't commensurate with the struggle of someone experiencing depression and/or anxiety. I'd say someone who says these things to disregard this entirely is missing my point. Yes doing things isn't an ultimate cure and it's all a huge mess, but the point remains that if you have to feel x way before doing y thing, you're setting yourself up for a long time where you're not going to feel x. More importantly, you're setting yourself up for a long time where y thing isn't going to get done.

That's okay, and you need to forgive yourself for that. I spent a decade in this place, so I'm not coming from the angle of "suck it up". Take as much time as needed. But eventually you might find yourself doing a thing even though you're tired and scared.

[diribigal]

I’m worried about doing therapy because the last time I got pushed out of my comfort zone by a counselor, I had a breakdown

Not every counselor/therapist is the same, and some are better than others. Also, if you explain this situation to your next counselor/therapist, they'll know what to be careful with/watch out for, which increases their chances/ability to help you out.

And you absolutely deserve help, and deserve neither the bad luck nor cognitive distortions you're struggling with.

[Madeline]

This is probably Off Topic to this thread, but my understanding is that the James Gunn thing happened because noted asshole Mike Cernovich held a grudge against him and decided to dig dirt up, so honestly, as tasteless as those tweets were, I wouldn't hold it against him TOO much.

So in other words, the Nazis won again. Meanwhile, it’s fine for Disney to keep Lassiter on until the end of the year, even though he assaulted someone.

I don’t know. I know I have to do something, but I don’t even know what it is that I want to do.

[Mr. Big]

I didn't mean to make you feel worse about that, just that this aspect of the scandal made the context seem different than before. Sorry about that.

[Madeline]

I didn't mean to make you feel worse about that, just that this aspect of the scandal made the context seem different than before. Sorry about that.

You’re okay. Knowing that Gunn was publically apologetic and regretful about these sick tweets well before he was fired and that this is a Nazi concern troll campaign changes the context a lot.

[Perpetual Motion]

My doctor misplaced my medical leave paperwork and never told me, so now my leave is being denied and I have approximately no time at all to scramble and get new paperwork to my doctor for them to fill out and fax. I do not need this right now. Part of me wants to just skip all of this and quit my job for real, but I can't afford to do that.

[Madeline]

Oh shit

[Perpetual Motion]

I think I got it worked out, and I have a formal appointment with said doctor on Friday, so hopefully everything is going to be okay. I just had to endure an afternoon of panic attacks and anxiety that made me want to puke.

[West Filly]

You did it.

[Perpetual Motion]

I cannot articulate how pissed off I am at my doctor. He's my neighbor and a friend of the family, but if he's not going to give a shit about keeping very important things in order, I might have to look elsewhere for a new PCP. I'm going to be bringing my leave paperwork with me to my med check with the psychiatrist on Thursday for him to fill out, and hopefully he will do a better job of keeping things up to date and in order. I should have brought my paperwork to him to begin with, but It takes months to get an appointment with him because of how booked in advance he is, and I kinda needed my leave approved ASAP.

[Perpetual Motion]

Had my med check today, and had that doctor fill out my leave paperwork and get it faxed (and I even got confirmation that the fax made it through). My lithium levels are low, so they're increasing my dose of that, which (in theory) should help stabilize my mood. I also managed to get very, very lucky and got a followup psych appointment next month because someone canceled. Otherwise he was booked all of the way into October, which is ridiculous. I guess it's to be expected, since they're down a doctor at the moment and a new one is starting soon, but it's just really inconvenient when the only psych service in the area is practically inaccessible.

[Madeline]

I have to wait another month just to get the process started, because I panicked and choked in the doctor’s office and just wanted to get out of there.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

That is a frustrating setback, but you went this time! Next time you can be better prepared!

[Perrydotto]

Yeah, seriously, you went and gave it a good shot. It's easy to look at all the things you don't do right in life, but that ignores the very important side of what you're doing right and what you're doing your best to improve. That cannot be discounted. I'm grateful you went, and I'm rooting for you that next time goes more in line with your goals.

[Perpetual Motion]

What the hell am I even good for? I keep trying and trying to do something useful with myself, but nothing ever works. I can't even work retail. You guys are all I've got, friend-wise, and just chatting with people on the internet is no substitute for hanging out with friends in person. Everything I do just ends in disaster and disappointment, and I feel like I'm letting everyone in my life down more and more the more I fail. The worst part is that I know it could always get worse. I'm still a privileged white person with supportive family and more than enough money to live comfortably. I have no right to be such a mess when people who have to struggle with basic needs every day still have friends and talents and potential. Why do I have to be so weak?

[Madeline]

26 is still pretty young to feel like the entire course of your life has been set forever. If you have trouble interacting socially, well, yes, online interaction is not the same. But it’s better than never interacting with anyone at all. I don’t interact much with people besides my family and my neighbors, so I’ve just been going out to stores or to the library and just hanging out where other people are. I’m not your family but if I were, I’d be upset that you’re hurting and beating yourself up for it, not that you didn’t achieve some goal.

Also, being mentally ill is not a weakness. It’s an illness. Would you blame someone for randomly catching pneumonia? Of course not, you’d want them to get better. And personal problems are not a race. Everyone’s problems feel just as important and pressing to the person experiencing them. There is no threshold to determine whether someone has a “right” to suffer. No one should suffer, but people do anyway, and their problems all deserve care and consideration.

[Perrydotto]

Madeline said it way better than I could put together. I second her post thoroughly. You deserve kindness, PL, always.

[Perpetual Motion]

I get plenty of kindness. You all are great to me, and my family takes care of me probably more than I deserve. I just want to accomplish something in my life, though. My life has just been in a constant downward slide ever since I graduated high school. Not a single thing I've done has ever been successful. I just bounce from job to job and project to project, hoping that something clicks. I get real close, too. But in the end nothing works out.

Sorry that I keep posting things like this. I appreciate that you're all willing to put up with my bullshit. I just feel like I need to vent when I'm low, though it doesn't seem to really help anything.

[Madeline]

You know what? I give up. I had one chance to turn it around in 2013 and I blew it, big time, and lost almost all the friends I had because I couldn’t and wouldn’t change. Th e world’s just going to keep getting worse and nothing I do matters in the least anyway. I’m just going to stop taking care of myself and let life finish pulverizing me. I don’t care anymore. Who would want a pathetic loser like me around anyway. I’ve lost every job I had due to gross incompetence and that’s why nobody’s going to hire me. I suck at everything I do and try. I just keep vowing to do better and then failing and making myself a liar over and over again.

I’m ugly and disgusting. I’ve got bad skin and teeth and I don’t even like to let people see me. Who was I kidding. All I’ve done in the last year is delude myself and then fail yet again. I don’t want this anymore. People keep telling me I need to keep it together and hold the family together and all this other shit, and I can barely do laundry. I can’t even fold laundry right. I’m a joke. I hate this, I hate everything, I hate myself.

[Madeline]

I finally broke down and emailed a therapist for real,this time because I cannot keep going on like this. I can’t take it anymore. They should accept my insurance so we’ll see.

I hate feeling like this.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

For what it's worth, I've never seen you as a failure. On the contrary even. You have this huge baggage crushing your back, making every step almost impossible to take. And still, here you are, refusing to give up. I'm glad you got in touch with a therapist. I hope it will help.

[Madeline]

The earliest she can get me in is next month. I guess that’s better than nothing.

[Momo]

For a therapist, that's actually really really good.

[Madeline]

For a therapist, that's actually really really good.

You’re right, sorry. I just hate waiting for things to happen.

[Mr. Big]

Glad you got an appointment made. Hoping for the best!

[Princess Flufflebutt]

You’re right, sorry. I just hate waiting for things to happen.

Hey, it's understandable. Waiting when you're already suffering is a pain in the ass. You got this though. You're stronger than you think you are.

[Madeline]

Having another very bad day at the moment. I think my doctor actually made things worse when she upped my dosages. I tried some live chat thing, but they suggested making a list of all the things I was good at. I couldn’t think of a single thing, but lots of things I’m horrible at, from math to drawing to driving forklifts to video games to, well, just about everything. Now I feel worse.

I just don’t want to bother trying any more, when I know I’ll give up instantly the second I feel uncomfortable.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

I have one thing to add to the good list. You're very fun to talk to.

[Perrydotto]

You're plenty good at videogames - You've completed games I haven't. Being good at videogames doesn't mean you gotta be perfect at everything, or it's a waste of time. You like figuring things out, that's also a good skill, your curiosity.

You're a strong and brave person. You were given awful garbage to deal with, and as much as you might have wanted to, you haven't given up even in the face of that stuff. That's something you are very good at, even though you shouldn't need to - Perservering.

You keep telling yourself otherwise, but you are actually, indeed, very good with words. You have creative and fun ideas, and you really got a fantastic graps on the English language. Your creativity and your language skill are two more good things.

You care about others and their wellbeing. You have every reason not to give a damn, but you do give a damn, and that's very laudable. Your compassion is another very good and important thing.

I don't think it's very helpful to think of stuff you are good at when you are already in the full-on garbage mood. I'd say make a list like that when you are doing okay, and keep it somewhere easily accessible so you can read it when you are feeling awful. Remind yourself that all of the things you are being praised and appreciated for are real and valued. You don't deserve the shit you give yourself, or the constant self-deprecation. You are having trouble seeing it, and that's more than fair, but you are lovely and skilled too.

Also, you are not "giving up the second you are uncomfortable". That's bullcrap, frankly put. You have every reason to struggle with stress and anxieties. Trauma will fuck our ability to deal with those things so, so much. It's not pathetic or stupid to have issues with something you've never gotten proper treatment for. You wouldn't yell at a burn victim for being in a lot of pain when they touch things if their burns haven't been treated at all. You are getting help, and that's a really good step towards getting a better handle on these things. It will take time and kindness, which you both deserve, too.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

You're plenty good at videogames - You've completed games I haven't. Being good at videogames doesn't mean you gotta be perfect at everything, or it's a waste of time. You like figuring things out, that's also a good skill, your curiosity.

You're a strong and brave person. You were given awful garbage to deal with, and as much as you might have wanted to, you haven't given up even in the face of that stuff. That's something you are very good at, even though you shouldn't need to - Perservering.

You keep telling yourself otherwise, but you are actually, indeed, very good with words. You have creative and fun ideas, and you really got a fantastic graps on the English language. Your creativity and your language skill are two more good things.

You care about others and their wellbeing. You have every reason not to give a damn, but you do give a damn, and that's very laudable. Your compassion is another very good and important thing.

I don't think it's very helpful to think of stuff you are good at when you are already in the full-on garbage mood. I'd say make a list like that when you are doing okay, and keep it somewhere easily accessible so you can read it when you are feeling awful. Remind yourself that all of the things you are being praised and appreciated for are real and valued. You don't deserve the shit you give yourself, or the constant self-deprecation. You are having trouble seeing it, and that's more than fair, but you are lovely and skilled too.

Also, you are not "giving up the second you are uncomfortable". That's bullcrap, frankly put. You have every reason to struggle with stress and anxieties. Trauma will fuck our ability to deal with those things so, so much. It's not pathetic or stupid to have issues with something you've never gotten proper treatment for. You wouldn't yell at a burn victim for being in a lot of pain when they touch things if their burns haven't been treated at all. You are getting help, and that's a really good step towards getting a better handle on these things. It will take time and kindness, which you both deserve, too.

I so want to emptyquote this, but this, a thousand times this.

[Mr. Big]

Seconded!

[Madeline]

Thank you all for your kindness, and for being such good friends, and good people. I’m trying to do better. Just having a hard time hanging in there for another month.

[Perrydotto]

You don't owe us feeling great or putting on a brave face. All we're hoping for, as far as I can go out on a limb and say, is that you look out for yourself, and try to be a bit kinder to yourself. Whenever you need help with hanging in there, you know where to find us.

[Madeline]

You're plenty good at videogames - You've completed games I haven't. Being good at videogames doesn't mean you gotta be perfect at everything, or it's a waste of time. You like figuring things out, that's also a good skill, your curiosity.

You're a strong and brave person. You were given awful garbage to deal with, and as much as you might have wanted to, you haven't given up even in the face of that stuff. That's something you are very good at, even though you shouldn't need to - Perservering.

You keep telling yourself otherwise, but you are actually, indeed, very good with words. You have creative and fun ideas, and you really got a fantastic graps on the English language. Your creativity and your language skill are two more good things.

You care about others and their wellbeing. You have every reason not to give a damn, but you do give a damn, and that's very laudable. Your compassion is another very good and important thing.

I don't think it's very helpful to think of stuff you are good at when you are already in the full-on garbage mood. I'd say make a list like that when you are doing okay, and keep it somewhere easily accessible so you can read it when you are feeling awful. Remind yourself that all of the things you are being praised and appreciated for are real and valued. You don't deserve the shit you give yourself, or the constant self-deprecation. You are having trouble seeing it, and that's more than fair, but you are lovely and skilled too.

Also, you are not "giving up the second you are uncomfortable". That's bullcrap, frankly put. You have every reason to struggle with stress and anxieties. Trauma will fuck our ability to deal with those things so, so much. It's not pathetic or stupid to have issues with something you've never gotten proper treatment for. You wouldn't yell at a burn victim for being in a lot of pain when they touch things if their burns haven't been treated at all. You are getting help, and that's a really good step towards getting a better handle on these things. It will take time and kindness, which you both deserve, too.

I know how this is going to sound, but despite other people having told me this for years and years, I never realized just how I sound when I talk about myself like that. If I said those things to anyone else, I’d be an abusive monster. All I do is take the ugly things other people used to,say to me and then aim them back at myself. I think I might be worse off inside than I thought I was because I still feel like I’m just being honest, even though I’m actually just being cruel.

I mean, if I said those things to another person, you would ban me, and be right to do so. I say things to myself that I would never say to another person.

[Perrydotto]

I know how this is going to sound, but despite other people having told me this for years and years, I never realized just how I sound when I talk about myself like that. If I said those things to anyone else, I’d be an abusive monster. All I do is take the ugly things other people used to,say to me and then aim them back at myself. I think I might be worse off inside than I thought I was because I still feel like I’m just being honest, even though I’m actually just being cruel.

I mean, if I said those things to another person, you would ban me, and be right to do so. I say things to myself that I would never say to another person.

That's a really important and good realization! Can you bookmark this post, somewhere easy to find? Because this is always, always true. No matter how much you think you messed up, or how awful you feel, you never deserve this kind of abuse from anyone. Not yourself, or anyone else.

[Madeline]

I bookmarked it.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

I feel awful. Sleep's bad. Called in sick today. Again. Probably should've just gotten up and push through the day instead of this nonsense. I feel weak and tired. I'm not sure why I keep at it. I don't wanna do anything.

[Madeline]

I feel awful. Sleep's bad. Called in sick today. Again. Probably should've just gotten up and push through the day instead of this nonsense. I feel weak and tired. I'm not sure why I keep at it. I don't wanna do anything.

It’s okay to feel depressed sometimes, and feeling depressed makes it hard to feel motivated to do stuff. Hang in there.

[Perpetual Motion]

I wish I could get a handle on what's wrong with me. All I want to do is create, but I never can. All the passion and ideas in the world just isn't enough to motivate me. Even writing something bad would be infinitely preferable to this. I'm worse than a bad writer. I'm a worthless wannabe of a writer. I hate myself so much. Why can't I be worth something?

Hell, even outside of my creative endeavors, I'm a mess. I can't sleep right, I can't work, and I'm in direct conflict with my family over one of the most important decisions in my life. I just can't help but feel like I have nowhere to go and no hope for improvement in my life.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

I'm not sure what to do about your family, but as someone who struggles greatly with getting to the creating part, I've found I get most done when I change the scenery. I've drawn more in bars and cafés than in my own home. You mentioned going to the library often, right? Have you considered writing there?