RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:55 pm

Madeline wrote:
Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:36 pm
:hug:

I had group today. Not really happy that I have to go back on A) my birthday and B) the week afterwards when I have another appointment in that building so I’ll be stuck there half the day (because it’s a depressing monstrosity of a building inside). But the DBT group leader is nice and friendly, and I think it will be useful.


That's good, at least! Glad you took a chance to go to a group therapy.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Dec 21, 2018 12:56 am

Factory Factory wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:40 pm
Give yourself a chance! The trick with new challenges is to last long enough that they become old challenges with which you already have mastery.
Thank you for encouraging me, otherwise I might have not bothered to go. :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Fri Dec 21, 2018 5:57 pm

I'm glad you did. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Dec 21, 2018 6:12 pm

Okay, so Clonazepam is some sort of miracle drug that keeps me calm and collected and capable of putting in more work than I would otherwise. I also know that it can be addictive, and I don't want to fall down a substance abuse hole where I end up just looking for my next fix all the time. Anybody here have experience with addictive (but helpful) drugs and how to avoid getting stuck on them?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Fri Dec 21, 2018 7:14 pm

Don't take it constantly, is the biggest thing I can think of. The less and less regularly you take it, the less your body will acclimate to it, and that means the same dose will remain effective without causing much in the way of physical dependence.

If circumstances do make you take it regularly and after a month or two you feel the tug to take the med even when you don't think you need it, stay strong. Don't take it just to take it, and just brazen through withdrawal. Psychological addiction and physical addiction are very different things, and the physical effects of addiction for benzos (of which clonazepam is one) last about two weeks. Most of the difficulty in stopping a med comes from a combination of the psychological effects saying "Taking one will make me feel good" and the shitty feelings of physical withdrawal saying "and right now I feel really bad." But if you make it through the withdrawal period, the physical effects will be done and over with. And without the physical effects, the psych effects are way easier to handle.

Try to keep a wall of circumstance around the med. You don't take it when you feel bad, in general. You take it when you feel stressed and anxious. If you aren't stressed and anxious, the clonazepam isn't the right response.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Fri Dec 21, 2018 11:13 pm

What FF said. If you use the pills as they're meant to be used--a temporary coping mechanism to manage symptoms so you can develop more effective, long-term coping strategies to deal with the underlying issues causing your symptoms--you won't get addicted. An addiction is when you let these temp solutions run amok, using them to mask your symptoms and completely ignore the problems in your life. Take your benzo when you feel anxious, but also take the time to examine why you felt anxious in the first place, and figure out what you can do in the future to mitigate that anxiety without the benzo.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Dec 24, 2018 2:23 pm

If you ever want your self-esteem completely destroyed, join a friendly community, hang out there for a couple of months, and when you admit to feeling insecure, well-meaning people will encourage you to post a selfie. You do it, and then everyone ignores it for a week despite repeated requests for opinions. Because that’s what’s been going on with me.

I’m ugly as sin, I’m gonna die alone and I pretty much want to vanish off the face of the Earth now. People fucking suck.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Dec 24, 2018 2:35 pm

Ugh, that's pretty shitty of those people. Speaking as someone who's insecure about their looks, I'm sorry that happened to you

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Dec 24, 2018 4:37 pm

Mr. Big wrote:
Mon Dec 24, 2018 2:35 pm
Ugh, that's pretty shitty of those people. Speaking as someone who's insecure about their looks, I'm sorry that happened to you
Thank you.i know exactly how you feel. :fluttersmith:

I shouldn’t go off like that. It really hurt my feelings when I got snubbed.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Dec 25, 2018 12:52 am

Wow. That is kinda shitty. I'll have you know you're an absolute cutie and it's their fault they can't see it.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Dec 25, 2018 6:20 am

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Tue Dec 25, 2018 12:52 am
Wow. That is kinda shitty. I'll have you know you're an absolute cutie and it's their fault they can't see it.
Thank you :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Dec 25, 2018 8:38 pm

Holidays are rough. It's basically a big show of how awesome everyone in my family is doing, while I'm just kinda languishing. And of course the dinner table is no place to say "well, I'm super depressed and anxious all the time, thanks for asking," so I just have to come off as some shitty leech and answer "not much" when people ask what I'm doing with myself. I know I'm not okay, and my immediate family knows I'm not okay, but my cousins and grandparents and such don't, and I can't help but feel judged when talking to them.

My sister was the one really thoughtful person this year and bought and decorated a journal for me to do a daily writing exercise in that she learned from an acting class, and the rest of the gifts I got were nice, so it's not all bad. I'm just not comfortable around people at all right now, but I have to be to keep up appearances and the like.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 29, 2018 12:51 am

Fuck social media. I’m done with it. People fucking suck and I don’t want to be close to any anymore. I always say and do the wrong thing and it jets too fucking much when I get rebuffed for being a fucking idiot.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:36 am

Like how did I know I wasn’t supposed to boost a suicidal person, or give them hotline links? I thought I was helping bit no. Just fucking dumb me again like always. Every time I join a new group anywhere this happens and I don’t want to go through this again, it’s been happening over and over again since I was 5 and I want out.

I don’t want to be part of the lgbt community anymore either because they make me feel like an ugly old undesirable dinosaur and even more freakish and alone, not less alone.

I suck at being human. I want this to end. I just want to be left alone.

Oh, and I’m a huge fucking asshole for being hurt by a person in pain and crisis and making it about myself, so nobody be sympathetic. I fucking suc. I’m garbage.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 29, 2018 4:55 am

I thought maybe I was okay at helping people, but no, I’m not good at that either. I’m not good at anything. I guess I might be okay at writing, but I don’t even want to bother trying to do it anymore if one person having me on Mastodon makes me delete nearly everything I have on the internet and give up all of what little social contact I had off of this site.

Well, that and I just... don’t want to write anymore, which is the same feeling I had when I gave it up 20 years ago. It’ll neveR keep me out of,poverty and nobody will ever read it, so what’s the point.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Dec 29, 2018 8:52 am

You’re catastrophizing and declaring yourself garbage for, at worst, a mistake of saying something in the wrong place. That is distorted thinking, even if you don’t believe it. And you actually are performing a sort of self-harm by beating yourself up like this.

You’re an incredibly nice person who tries to help others. It’s okay to be hurt and to vent about it in an appropriate unrelated place, like here. It’s not okay to beat yourself up or leap to absolutes.
You need to stop and do something else for a bit. Listen to music, watch cute fuzzy animal videos, play a game, watch a show, whatever it is that helps you relax a bit. If that doesn’t work, why not try this: Stop and make a list of things you can experience with your senses. Five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can taste, two things you can smell, and one thing you can touch. Nice things, things you enjoy. That’s a nice bit of distraction, right?
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat Dec 29, 2018 12:35 pm

diribigal said it best. Please stay safe, Madeline, and feel free to send me a note if you want to talk. :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Dec 29, 2018 2:15 pm

Other people can suck sometimes. But at least you're trying and putting yourself out there. It's better than I can do. It's also okay to be hurt, even when others are hurting. You can't help anyone if you're unable to help yourself first. People in dark places will lash out. Even if you made a genuine mistake, their response is not going to be rational or proportional to the mistake you made. A normal, healthy person would forgive and forget, but you obviously weren't dealing with anyone healthy. You don't deserve to be punished for a single mistake, and it's not "making it all about you" to express feelings of hurt after the backlash. Other's feelings aren't automatically more important that yours, and any thoughts to the contrary are just distorted thinking. Please stay safe, and don't give up on yourself.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Dec 30, 2018 2:19 am

I spent my entire life growing up being told that I was gifted and smart and all that jazz. Boy do I wish I could even remotely tap into all that potential I supposedly had right about now. I'm good at basic math? I guess? Not even good at doing it in my head or anything like that. I can just recall what operations to do for what problem, then cheat and use a calculator. I just feel so dumb and lost all the time. I have vague visions in my mind of things I want to make, but I have no ability to realize them. I can't even do simple things to work my way up to that. The things I want to do are simple. I even try setting small, easy goals, like "write 500 words a day," but I can't even meet that. I can't do anything right, and it's so fucking frustrating. What am I supposed to do to improve when I can't even make the small steps?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:07 am

diribigal wrote:
Sat Dec 29, 2018 8:52 am
You’re catastrophizing and declaring yourself garbage for, at worst, a mistake of saying something in the wrong place. That is distorted thinking, even if you don’t believe it. And you actually are performing a sort of self-harm by beating yourself up like this.

You’re an incredibly nice person who tries to help others. It’s okay to be hurt and to vent about it in an appropriate unrelated place, like here. It’s not okay to beat yourself up or leap to absolutes.
It’s hard to explain, but it’s kind of an instantaneous thing? I really did get chased a lot of places in the past for getting too comfortable and saying the wrong thing. Whenever I go anywhere and see people using really heated or mocking rhetoric, I’m always afraid it’s going to be turned on me someday. So when someone has a problem with me, I just freeze up and then pretty much move instantly to crying and hurting and beating myself up. I got yelled at and slapped around a lot as a kid, the two things are most likely related. :fluttersmith: I always prioritize other people over myself because I don’t feel safe unless people are happy or at least calm.

I can’t go back to Mastodon and use my account now anyways, because I deleted my account. Once it’s deleted, all your posts are gone and your account name is reserved so people can’t use it to troll, so you can’t just reactivate like on Twitter.
Mr. Big wrote:
Sat Dec 29, 2018 12:35 pm
diribigal said it best. Please stay safe, Madeline, and feel free to send me a note if you want to talk. :hug:
I’m sorry I didn’t. I didn’t really want to talk to anybody over the last day and a half. I just slept a lot. :fluttersmith:
Perpetual Motion wrote:
Sun Dec 30, 2018 2:19 am
I spent my entire life growing up being told that I was gifted and smart and all that jazz. Boy do I wish I could even remotely tap into all that potential I supposedly had right about now. I'm good at basic math? I guess? Not even good at doing it in my head or anything like that. I can just recall what operations to do for what problem, then cheat and use a calculator. I just feel so dumb and lost all the time. I have vague visions in my mind of things I want to make, but I have no ability to realize them. I can't even do simple things to work my way up to that. The things I want to do are simple. I even try setting small, easy goals, like "write 500 words a day," but I can't even meet that. I can't do anything right, and it's so fucking frustrating. What am I supposed to do to improve when I can't even make the small steps?
Stop expecting yourself to be a prodigy on your first try. Your expectations for yourself are way out of whack and you’re beating yourself up again.which is probably my fault for melting down in this thread and upsetting you.

I bolded some words so you can kind of see how it looks to anyone else when we beat ourselves up. You’re making assumptions that aren’t warranted in the least and then jumping to conclusions. Using a calculator is cheating? Why, is somebody grading you on your non-academic personal coding projects even after you’ve graduated? How does that measure your intelligence? Even a person extremely gifted in math is still not going to be able to beat a calculator in speed, and in most jobs, being efficient is better than showing off a skill. Your reasoning is distorted because it’s tautological. You can’t do things because you’re telling yourself that you can’t do them, then using the difficulty you have finishing anything under those conditions as proof.

Creative projects don’t happen when you constantly tell yourself that you suck and that you can’t do it. You’re always going to keep coming back saying you can’t do it and that it proves you’re not good at anything.

You want to know what professional writers do when a story is bad and they can’t make it work in revision? They abandon it and write another story. It’s almost meaningless when a first draft is bad, because you’re better served by checking for continuity errors, structural problems, unnecessary verbiage, and so on. If a published writer puts out a first draft, it’s because they’re a Stephen King or some other huge seller who can flex on their editors and get away with it. Your first draft is not going to be perfect. The harder you try to make it perfect, the more unnecessary work you’re doing to something you will still most likely want to fix and tighten up later anyway.

Like, even if you did somehow did a first draft that was perfect, but just ran a spelling and grammar check on it, that’s still a revision, and you’ll still have two drafts. And pushing out a manuscript without at least checking to make sure that it’s got proper punctuation and spelling is like sending your child to school with toilet paper sticking to their shoes.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Jill (?) » Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:39 am

I'm just gonna ollie on in right here with a general reminder for everyone: Self-forgiveness is probably the single most important thing to practice when you're dealing with anxiety, depression, or poor self-esteem in general. Because ultimately, your mistakes are behind you and it isn't going to matter how regrettable they are if you're already acknowledging them as such. Some ~7-8 years ago I would be known for spewing some of the most shitty misogynistic gamer garbage you've ever seen, but let's just say that guy is now dead and I am proud to have killed him.

The same goes for shortcomings. If there's anything you can't get done, it's likely because you have yet to find a way to prime yourself for it. You might be in need of rest, or you might just need to allow mistakes and dead-ends to be what they are and try something else. Just don't stop trying, because true inadequacy is as much of a myth as talent.

I'm not just saying this because of recent struggles, but because every time I look at how my well-being has steadily improved in recent years I am just taken aback by how much it's helped me to actively refuse to dwell on things I've done wrong and things I can't change.
Perpetual Motion wrote:
Fri Dec 21, 2018 6:12 pm
Okay, so Clonazepam is some sort of miracle drug that keeps me calm and collected and capable of putting in more work than I would otherwise. I also know that it can be addictive, and I don't want to fall down a substance abuse hole where I end up just looking for my next fix all the time. Anybody here have experience with addictive (but helpful) drugs and how to avoid getting stuck on them?
I'm seeing this a bit late, but I actually had some experience with Clonazepam a few years ago and it's pretty wild, almost like a painkiller but for anxiety. I followed the "take as needed" advice pretty strictly and only ever took one when I needed to leave the house, particularly if I was going to spend some time talking to a therapist. I would also make an effort to pry myself from the computer on weekends, take a Clonazepam, and then accompany my father when he went shopping for groceries and stuff.

In the end that worked out pretty well. I never even got through the first bottle before I felt like I no longer needed it. I had grown so much more accustomed and indifferent to the general public's gaze, the risk of losing my balance after standing up (common side effect) and getting myself injured was greater than the risk of feeling any significant unease.
Perpetual Motion wrote:
Sun Dec 30, 2018 2:19 am
I have vague visions in my mind of things I want to make, but I have no ability to realize them. I can't even do simple things to work my way up to that. The things I want to do are simple. I even try setting small, easy goals, like "write 500 words a day," but I can't even meet that. I can't do anything right, and it's so fucking frustrating. What am I supposed to do to improve when I can't even make the small steps?
I don't know how applicable this is to writing, but one of the first pieces of advice I'd give to any game designer or visual artist who's lost momentum is "make what you want to". This specifically does not mean "make what you want to finish", but just pick out an idea or concept you'd be most interested in working on at this very moment and go wild. Most people don't actually get very far creatively when they're forcibly starting small and simple and setting goals and taking baby steps, but instead by taking whatever the hell kind of steps they please in whatever the hell kind of direction they please and just scouting out as many technicalities, mistakes, and dead-ends as they can. In time you find that an abandoned project is more valuable than an unexplored concept, because you can't exactly review and learn from a mere concept.

Gee this post sure got preachy and ramble-y. You can take all of the above with a grain of salt because I only speak from experience and not some form of legendary god-sage expertise. I wish all of you the best in any case.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Dec 30, 2018 1:04 pm

That's an excellent post, Jill, and I appreciate it personally too because I sabotage myself too much still when it comes to creating and sharing things. Thank you for your perspective, I feel it rings true and it's good to read it. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sun Dec 30, 2018 1:33 pm

I wish I can click "thumbs up" to a post, because I want to do that to Jill's post. Good write-up, and thanks for sharing it!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Dec 30, 2018 4:24 pm

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I think I'm going to step back from the writing for a bit and try something else. I'm obviously running into creative brick walls and trying to force things isn't healthy for me. I just feel guilty about my lack of productivity because I'm tying all my self worth up in these projects, and I don't have anything else going on for me right now or in the foreseeable future.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Jan 02, 2019 4:50 pm

Jill wrote:
Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:39 am
I'm just gonna ollie on in right here with a general reminder for everyone: Self-forgiveness is probably the single most important thing to practice when you're dealing with anxiety, depression, or poor self-esteem in general. Because ultimately, your mistakes are behind you and it isn't going to matter how regrettable they are if you're already acknowledging them as such. Some ~7-8 years ago I would be known for spewing some of the most shitty misogynistic gamer garbage you've ever seen, but let's just say that guy is now dead and I am proud to have killed him.

The same goes for shortcomings. If there's anything you can't get done, it's likely because you have yet to find a way to prime yourself for it. You might be in need of rest, or you might just need to allow mistakes and dead-ends to be what they are and try something else. Just don't stop trying, because true inadequacy is as much of a myth as talent.

I'm not just saying this because of recent struggles, but because every time I look at how my well-being has steadily improved in recent years I am just taken aback by how much it's helped me to actively refuse to dwell on things I've done wrong and things I can't change.



I'm seeing this a bit late, but I actually had some experience with Clonazepam a few years ago and it's pretty wild, almost like a painkiller but for anxiety. I followed the "take as needed" advice pretty strictly and only ever took one when I needed to leave the house, particularly if I was going to spend some time talking to a therapist. I would also make an effort to pry myself from the computer on weekends, take a Clonazepam, and then accompany my father when he went shopping for groceries and stuff.

In the end that worked out pretty well. I never even got through the first bottle before I felt like I no longer needed it. I had grown so much more accustomed and indifferent to the general public's gaze, the risk of losing my balance after standing up (common side effect) and getting myself injured was greater than the risk of feeling any significant unease.

I don't know how applicable this is to writing, but one of the first pieces of advice I'd give to any game designer or visual artist who's lost momentum is "make what you want to". This specifically does not mean "make what you want to finish", but just pick out an idea or concept you'd be most interested in working on at this very moment and go wild. Most people don't actually get very far creatively when they're forcibly starting small and simple and setting goals and taking baby steps, but instead by taking whatever the hell kind of steps they please in whatever the hell kind of direction they please and just scouting out as many technicalities, mistakes, and dead-ends as they can. In time you find that an abandoned project is more valuable than an unexplored concept, because you can't exactly review and learn from a mere concept.

Gee this post sure got preachy and ramble-y. You can take all of the above with a grain of salt because I only speak from experience and not some form of legendary god-sage expertise. I wish all of you the best in any case.
This is a super good post <3

Personal progress: DBT is hard as fuck and obtuse sometimes, but it helps. We’re using a Marsha Linehan book for curriculum if anyone wants to check it out for themselves.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Jan 02, 2019 6:14 pm

Super glad you went to the group and are giving DBT a shot!! :yay: Ultimately you'll find your own ways to apply the lessons best. Getting started is the hardest step, and you're doing great with that!
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:50 pm

I've been trying to be more social and open this year, but oof, it's not going easy for me.

It never really occurred to me just how insecure I am about my looks. I've never been the most handsome guy around, and it's been hitting me like a ton of bricks.

I'm feeling rather ugly right now. :fluttersmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:46 pm

Mr. Big wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:50 pm
I've been trying to be more social and open this year, but oof, it's not going easy for me.

It never really occurred to me just how insecure I am about my looks. I've never been the most handsome guy around, and it's been hitting me like a ton of bricks.

I'm feeling rather ugly right now. :fluttersmith:
I don’t think you’re ugly at all. If you’re not feeling so hot about your self-image, it might help to talk to somebody about it when you feel up to it. Don’t let that keep you from trying new things. In the long run, keeping your emotions too tightly wound is worse for your mental, emotional, and physical health.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:21 am

Madeline wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:46 pm
I don’t think you’re ugly at all. If you’re not feeling so hot about your self-image, it might help to talk to somebody about it when you feel up to it. Don’t let that keep you from trying new things. In the long run, keeping your emotions too tightly wound is worse for your mental, emotional, and physical health.
Thanks, Madeline. Yeah, I'm trying to keep that in mind. Doesn't mean it's easy, even if I know my feelings of self-image is bullcrap :-I

I'd like to think I'm confident about myself most of the time, but oof, I lapse now and then.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:50 pm

I'd also suggest that within reason, wanting to change things about yourself is perfectly fine, encouragable even; it's absolutely okay to say "this aspect of my behaviour/looks bothers me, I'd like to improve on it". The crux is to focus on it as a means of self-improvement, not as a way to shit on yourself. You're not required to be perfect, and you're not worthless or hopeless now. But doing something for yourself that has tangible results you can track can be a really nice ego boost, and become part your efforts to generally be kinder and more appreciative of yourself. It's all about the healthy mix of things, IMO.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:51 pm

Perrydotto wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:50 pm
I'd also suggest that within reason, wanting to change things about yourself is perfectly fine, encouragable even; it's absolutely okay to say "this aspect of my behaviour/looks bothers me, I'd like to improve on it". The crux is to focus on it as a means of self-improvement, not as a way to shit on yourself. You're not required to be perfect, and you're not worthless or hopeless now. But doing something for yourself that has tangible results you can track can be a really nice ego boost, and become part your efforts to generally be kinder and more appreciative of yourself. It's all about the healthy mix of things, IMO.
Yeah, I get that. One thing I want to change is to talk to friends more. It occurred to me just how distant I was last year, and I want to fix that. Even if it's little bit, it's good to catch up with others.

I know I can be aloof and tempermental sometimes, and I should work on fixing it. I guess I want to approach it my way, I guess :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Jan 12, 2019 4:32 am

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem do devote time to one thing without feeling guilty about not doing something else. It doesn't help when I run into posts like this that make me feel just awful for not devoting myself to writing. I can't do everything, and just switching off frequently doesn't help much. All it does is stop me from gaining any momentum. I just can't seem to get my brain in order.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by minty (?) » Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:10 pm

Nobody here is ugly. :rainbert:

Funnily enough, I have been weirdly insecure about looks lately, because I am the one soul on the internet who ages badly. I used to not care, but I've seen a lot of posts talking about how X politician or celebrity aged badly because they're a horrible racist, sexist asswipe and how Y politician or celebrity has aged well because they're nice and cause no trouble. I know it's meant in jest, but it is still bothersome because the same people who post these also brag about they haven't aged in ten years. That little self-doubting voice keeps telling me "this is one of the reasons you don't have friends, nobody likes people who age badly."

I also hate how attractive= good and unattractive= bad. What is this, Cinderella?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jan 14, 2019 5:18 pm

I've been in a pretty rough spot these last few days. I can't do anything right. I'm debilitatingly anxious all the time, and I'm trying not to overuse my Clonazepam, but I'm finding increasingly often that I need to take one to have any chance of getting to sleep at night. I just feel trapped in this cycle of not getting anywhere doing one thing, switching to something else, then not getting anywhere doing that either, while also feeling guilty about giving up on the first thing I was doing. I have about three things I could be doing right now, but I don't feel capable of doing any of them. One of them I feel especially awful about because it's a favor for a friend and I've felt too overwhelmed to put much of any work into it for about a month now. So not only am I an anxious, depressed mess, I'm also letting people down because of it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:16 pm

You know what? fuck it. I'm just going to push through and get shit done. I'm not going to sit here and mope and let people down. I committed to this, so I'll do it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:27 am

You're worth not giving up on, always. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Jan 21, 2019 2:59 am

I wish it wasn’t so comically easy for people to get under my skin, and that I was a lot less sensitive and inclined to look for perceived slights everywhere. It always makes me feel like a fool later on.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Jan 21, 2019 3:32 am

Madeline wrote:
Mon Jan 21, 2019 2:59 am
I wish it wasn’t so comically easy for people to get under my skin, and that I was a lot less sensitive and inclined to look for perceived slights everywhere. It always makes me feel like a fool later on.
I know this feeling. It's always frustrating to deal with.

:hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Jan 21, 2019 2:36 pm

Just realized Valentine's Day is almost here.

NGL, that holiday's been a bit of a trigger for me lately. Not sure if I'm being complainey or not about it :fluttersmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:50 pm

Mr. Big wrote:
Mon Jan 21, 2019 2:36 pm
Just realized Valentine's Day is almost here.

NGL, that holiday's been a bit of a trigger for me lately. Not sure if I'm being complainey or not about it :fluttersmith:
Nah, I understand your feelings. Valentine's Day makes people who want romance feel horrible for not having it and makes people who do have it feel horrible unless they go do a bunch of couple's stuff that is oh-so-conveniently marketed to them. Avoiding reminders of the holiday might help.
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