RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:38 pm

In other news, an insurance mishap has left me without one of my medications for a couple days, and reminded me just how fragile my drug-related mental balance is. Without this medication I'm just frazzled and generally out of it. Luckily I managed to get the insurance thing sorted, so I should be fine in a day or so, but I had to call off from work for the first time in forever and I feel really bad about it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Erythema (?) » Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:48 pm

Right now, the mission is to fight procrastination and become focused. I'm just starting out so it's off to a bumpy start. I realize that getting my act together will require me to bring harmony in my inner being. For too long my attention has been out in the external world of stimuli, basically leading me to become a person who craves stimulation. That craving is what leads to procrastination.

This is something that has to change and to make that happen, that will require me to shift my attention inward. It's easy to stay outside of oneself when there's nothing but anxiety and monsters on the inside. It's as if I've been running away from myself all this time.

Wish me luck. I'm really going to need it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Apr 21, 2018 3:57 am

Good luck!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Apr 22, 2018 3:51 am

Sorry to double-post.

I have an appointment coming up on Wednesday, where we will figure out if my current treatment plan is working, or if I need to be referred on to a specialist. It’s prompted a lot of introspective thinking (and nervousness) over the past few days. I think I’ve finally made a little progress over the last few months, and no small part of that was spending as little time online as possible, as well as refraining from publically beating myself up or trying so hard (way too hard) to get attention. I also was lying to myself about how well I was coping, which would have been obvious to me had I read what I was actually writing down.

My whole life has been circumscribed by fear. It’s left me feeling very lonely and uncertain. Partly because I am leery of trusting the wrong person, and partly becuase people expect someone my age to have life goals and experiences that I just don’t have. All my plans went out the window when I imploded last year. Right now, all I want is to recuperate and take care of myself. Anything else feels like too big an ask at the moment. I wish I’d done better at making and keeping friends, but there’s little point in dwelling on mistakes I can’t change anymore. I do have one very good friend, and I feel lucky to have him as a friend, and he should know that.

Sorry for being so rambly and discursive. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads of sorts and it’s got me in a funny mood.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Apr 22, 2018 6:29 am

The path to recovery is winded and weird and I really don't have any great advice for you, just my sincere sympathy. Your post resonated with me, and I get the impression you are truly on the right track with how you try to reframe yourself more healthily, and look after yourself. That's seriously good stuff and I'm glad you're sincerely trying it, as tough and nervewrecking as it might be. The past can really hurt, but it's in the past - It's not what's ahead of us, and how things will have to be for all times. You and your life are still full of chances, every day, for things to be good for you, bit by bit.

I can relate to what you say, and I'm really rooting for you. One step at a time. You can do it. :hug: :flutterunsmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 12:17 am

Thank you, Perry. :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 12:18 am

Hoping for the best, Madeline! Every little help is good.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 12:27 am

Thank you! I’ve got my fingers crossed.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Apr 25, 2018 12:21 pm

I saw my doctor on Monday, and she's this awesome old lady close to retirement who's seen it all and gives no fucks (in a good way). She immediately understood my issues and said she'd help me navigate the lack of mental health resources in the area. Today she called me and said she arranged an appointment with the local psychiatrist for June 20. That's fantastic news, because calling by myself yielded jack and shit. I live in a small town and the whole area is so overbooked on mental health stuff that they either don't have a public phone number at all anymore, or all you hear is that even their waiting lists are full. It's pretty damn bad. Having a date where I'll be able to see someone is serious progress. Therapy itself is gonna be trickier, since that stuff is even more overbooked, but hopefully medication will be a step in the right direction.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Apr 25, 2018 2:56 pm

That’s great news! :hug: I hope you can start feeling better soon.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Apr 25, 2018 8:47 pm

Good luck, Perry! Hope that appointment goes well

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:26 pm

I had my appointment today.

Good news: she thinks I’ve been improving and that the current treatment plan is working.
Bad news: I’m still too frightened and awkward to bring up some things. I don’t even know why, because she’s very nice and understanding.

But I don’t have to change my meds or deal with new side effects or make any cold phone calls, so :pinkietoot: for that.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Apr 26, 2018 12:58 am

Keep at it, you two! I know how hard it is to get good help, whether the problem is internal, external, or both, but I'm happy that you're both making progress!

On my end, I'm really having a lot of trouble with my anxiety. It's not affecting my day to day functioning, really, because keeping busy with work or random distractions tends to suppress it, but it's making it really hard to be productive in my creative endeavors. I can only write in short bursts, and not that frequently at that. I'm just so terrified of making something bad, and part of me is convinced that I'm completely worthless when it comes to anything remotely creative. I wish I knew how to get around this, but I don't.

I don't want to be a person who just goes to work by day and watches random crap on youtube by night like I am now. I want to be worth something and to contribute to the world in some way. I know that there's a ton of creative people around here. How do you deal with anxiety over your work just not being good enough?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Apr 26, 2018 2:01 am

I have the same problem, tbh. The only thing I could think of to try was to do creative things with absolutely no stakes attached whatsoever, so that I didn’t sabotage myself further. Like, making up characters just for the heck of it.

Oh, and thank you :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Thu Apr 26, 2018 2:43 am

Perrydotto wrote:
Wed Apr 25, 2018 12:21 pm
I saw my doctor on Monday, and she's this awesome old lady close to retirement who's seen it all and gives no fucks (in a good way). She immediately understood my issues and said she'd help me navigate the lack of mental health resources in the area. Today she called me and said she arranged an appointment with the local psychiatrist for June 20. That's fantastic news, because calling by myself yielded jack and shit. I live in a small town and the whole area is so overbooked on mental health stuff that they either don't have a public phone number at all anymore, or all you hear is that even their waiting lists are full. It's pretty damn bad. Having a date where I'll be able to see someone is serious progress. Therapy itself is gonna be trickier, since that stuff is even more overbooked, but hopefully medication will be a step in the right direction.
:fluttercite: :hug:

First session is gonna be rough. You're gonna be anxious going into it, and you're gonna spend it describing in great detail how bad you feel and why. Be prepared for that, and you'll survive it. And then it will get better.

:yay:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by West Filly (?) » Fri Apr 27, 2018 7:10 pm

I've been struck just now with a really peculiar feeling.

I want a life. I want a job that pays. I want to love a person, no one specific in mind but for them to love me back and for us to be together. I want to ride a motorcycle across Europe and camp out at the beautiful places my dad told me about from in his time in Germany. I want to go back to the railroad crossing in Gutersloh near the RAF base, the place where my first childhood memory happened. A corner on the rail crossing where I remember my mum walking me to the ice cream parlour, and there was a man who juggled fire. I want friends who I can meet in real life, and we'll talk to the early hours of the morning about nonsense, about ourselves, about life. We'll argue at times and make up, and ultimately we'll make ourselves better. I want to be so much better.

For so long life has been an idea, not a goal but a pipe dream. It seemed something that'd take too much work for me; something I wanted to avoid; something I was willing and even attempting to throw away so that I didn't have to go through it. I've made so many mistakes while I've been in this way. A lot of my time has been spent trying to disassemble my life and pack it away, make it done with. I don't have anywhere near the experience or understanding my peers have because of this, and I want to reach out for some help. This isn't something for a therapist to deal with intensively, although I will go to a medical professional because I know certain things help me anyway. Ultimately this is something for me to deal with, and maybe friends or family in real life to help me with once in a while. I hope they understand, and that maybe I'd have something to offer. Building anything this late in life will be hard, and I'll have less time to enjoy it, but I need to remember this feeling. I want these things so badly it hurts. It brings me face to face with how long I have been avoiding actually doing anything to get me closer to what I really desire.

I have no idea how a man of my inexperience and immaturity in most facets of life can make these things possible, but I feel a need to do it. I hope I don't forget this feeling, because it'd be so easy for me to look back at this in a few weeks time and dismiss myself as being unreasonable, idealistic and too unrealistic. In what limited experience I have, I know that "epiphanies" and well thought plans are incredibly short lived and fragile things. What I need for this is grit, action and discipline.

I feel like being gentle with me and showing kindness to myself had a time and a place for me. When I was in a bad way I needed kindness for respite, but now I feel like what I need is fair judgment. It's not that gentleness and kindness are gone forever or cast out, I'll need them again some day, but I feel like I need to be harder and tougher in the fair ways that one can be hard and tough: the ways that'll build me up and not tear me apart. I need to say in a positive way:

I really fucked up a lot of things I did in my life. I wasted a lot of time. I've been such a dick to a lot of people and to myself. I'm not going to fix it all at once or even have it all fixed at any given point. I just feel like I owe it to myself to do something to get me toward the things I want, even though it's a bit awkward to be inexperienced in love, even though it's a bit painful to confront myself with how late I am to the career game, even though bikes are really dangerous and will definitely have awful mechanical failures at the worst possible time, even though friends are such butts at times. I feel like I owe it to myself to stand on the corner in Gutersloh with a journey to look back on.

Thanks for listening.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Fri Apr 27, 2018 9:26 pm

I think that's a tremendous epiphany, Filly. There is definitely a place for kindness in your life, and a place for being serious with yourself. Those things are not mutually exclusive, as you noted. "Tough on myself in a fair way" is a really good minset to have, IMO.

You deserve all those things you want, you truly do. And they are not impossible, not at all. You can be better. You have the potential, and it is yours for the taking.

I'm rooting so, so much for you. Kick ass :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Fri Apr 27, 2018 10:16 pm

Think about how you're feeling right now, about how you feel like you want to live. Still got that feeling in your mind? Good.

Remember it.

You're right in that this sort of thing will come and go if you let it. That's why you've got to work hard to remember it, instead. I was in a similar of thought for a whole lot of my life, thinking that after I dropped out of my university at the age of 18 that I'd never amount to anything better and that life would not get better. For the most part I was still stuck with that, but socializing here started to give me hope, and it was in 2016 (when I first got to go to BronyCon and meet a whole bunch of ponygoons) that I seriously felt that feeling of wanting to live.

Ain't everything been smooth since; I've gone back to school, sure, but that means surviving schoolwork and exams and projects and such. I've also had to be my grandfather's only family member in a hundred miles, watching age take him away more and more each day. It's been quite hard at times, but I've gotten through by holding onto that feeling of hope and joy, knowing that if I do the work to get to where I can make something of myself, I can finally be happy on my own terms.

So yeah, please make sure to remember how you're feeling now. Such a memory has helped me stand strong through tough times and I think it'd help you too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Sat Apr 28, 2018 12:40 am

Don't mind me, just having massive issues with anxiety at the moment. On the verge of tears, actually. I just keep thinking about I can't really get anything done because I'm worried that I don't know anything anymore and can't learn and I can't even play WoW or FFXIV anymore even though I want to (I can play FFXI though, but only because of Alter Egos, and nothing that involves grouping). I can't write down ideas just to get them saved somewhere because I'm terrified that someone will see them and think they're dumb. I don't tweet because I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and people dogpiling me and thinking less of me. I don't connect with friends because I'm worried that they don't actually like me or want me around. Like, it's just an awful feeling that I wish would go away.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:21 am

Good luck, West Filly.
Quanta wrote:
Sat Apr 28, 2018 12:40 am
Don't mind me, just having massive issues with anxiety at the moment. On the verge of tears, actually. I just keep thinking about I can't really get anything done because I'm worried that I don't know anything anymore and can't learn and I can't even play WoW or FFXIV anymore even though I want to (I can play FFXI though, but only because of Alter Egos, and nothing that involves grouping). I can't write down ideas just to get them saved somewhere because I'm terrified that someone will see them and think they're dumb. I don't tweet because I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and people dogpiling me and thinking less of me. I don't connect with friends because I'm worried that they don't actually like me or want me around. Like, it's just an awful feeling that I wish would go away.
Oh hey all those feelings sound incredibly familiar. :hug: Do you think you could try some deep breathing? Just inhale slowly, and then exhale slowly, for a minute or two. Try that, and see if it helps you feel at least a little more calm. It’s all about taking small, incremental steps. You’re not alone.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Apr 29, 2018 5:04 am

There’s something I wanted to post about last weekend, but I’ve been torn on doing it because it really rides that fine line between self-awareness and self-abuse. It’s important to me, so I’m giving it a shot.

I’ve always been a very lonely person. It meant a lot to me when people would reach out to me, but my anxiety and fear of intimacy prompted me to sabotage myself over and over again. Whether it was me being a dick and lashing out, or getting scared of letting anyone close and shutting them down, or me being dishonest to avoid an awkward conversation (which, protip, always results in someone quickly figuring out that you are lying :-I ), or just plain old neglect out of my embarrassment over not really being able to respond in a timely way, I lost the friendship of a lot of people. Online and off. I don’t know what to do there, except to keep trying to be a better person and avoid making the same mistakes and falling into the same cycles again. You can learn from the past, but not undo it. I still can’t help but feel horrible about how thoughtless I can be, at times.

But relearning social interaction is hard. Like, I tried reaching out to an acquaintance from college, and just asking her in an email chain about whether or not she’d grown up here made me feel like I’d crossed an inappropriate line, even though it’s the sort of question you hear all the time.

There’s also the thing where taking antidepressants and feeling a little more emotionally alive has made me realize how lonely I am in other ways, which, well. I don’t even know how to start there.

Yeah, I know, baby steps, but repressing those emotions isn’t a good idea, either. In the meantime, I’ll just keep doing what I have been doing, I suppose.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Apr 29, 2018 6:54 am

The issues of the past don't need to be our issues in the future. Shitty patterns really do suck, but they ARE breakable, albeit often not easily.

I get regret like that too. It really hurts, and on some days it kinda eats me up inside. I keep doing my best to look forward and outward, though, and it helps. I remind myself many times of the people who do care about me, and the ways they appreciate me, despite my faults. It can be hard not to feel like you are doomed to fuck up again and again, but I promise you that's not the case. You will not go from "fuckup" to "perfection", you will make mistakes along the way and it will still hurt, but the path forward doesn't stop with a mistake. You can struggle and still improve things. It's thankfully not a binary situation.

You are trying to be more honest and kind with yourself, and that is very very good. Not easy, but it will help you so much more than trying to ignore or repress all of this. Some days are harder than others, but your efforts and sincerity mean a lot all the same. And being sincere with yourself and others is a big step towards being more social! You can do it. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Apr 29, 2018 4:29 pm

Thank you, Perry. That means a lot to me. :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Kronos (?) » Mon Apr 30, 2018 5:11 pm

I graduated in 2016 with a degree in Computer Informatics (the more IT sided version of Computer Science) looking to get into what I was told was a rapidly growing industry.

It's seriously gotten to the point where having spent all those years getting a degree in Computer Informatics feels like the biggest waste of money and time, because it's gotten me absolutely goddamn NOTHING. For two solid years recruiters have given me the runaround, I've only sparingly had interviews which all *routinely* told me no, if they even bother getting back to me at all!

"No, you're just not trying hard enough" people tell me, "you're in one of the big tech cities of the country!" - notably not ONE of those people ever tell me where these mythical jobs are. Entry Level stuff is rare and somehow, despite meeting all the qualifications, I am rejected more often than not. I've done everything - resume is only a page, I've spammed the thing everywhere, but it's like I'm cursed or something - it's like everybody knows "oh don't hire this guy" and nobody will even give me a chance.

I desperately need a job and after two years of the IT industry screwing me over, I don't know what I'm to do. I honestly don't have any real skills other than computing and even there I feel like I got let down by my college. The only tech experience I have is a three-month internship from 2015, but I just got a letter from that same company telling me they have passed on me. I literally WORKED for them and somehow that wasn't enough for an entry level position full time doing the exact same work!

I'm at my wits end. How do people even get past this? I have no real work history beyond the internship and a short stint at Target for a few months, but I feel because of that, I can never get a job doing what I have a bachelor's for - because that bachelor's has gotten me a big fat NOTHING for all the trouble it was to get and how everybody thinks it's so important. Do companies even look at that stupid slip of paper? And what good will it be to try getting solid, full time work in another industry that I DON'T have a proper bachelor's for? My life is going nowhere and as far as I can tell, there's nothing I can do to fix it.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Momo (?) » Mon Apr 30, 2018 5:49 pm

I'm in a different boat in the same waters. My last work environment was so toxic that I'm still suffering the aftereffects two, nearly three years after the fact. I still have access to all my knowledge about computer science, but my focus isn't there. I simply can't concentrate on the topic hard enough to produce anything meaningful. I'm getting to the point where I may need to accept that it's never coming back. I feel like a musician who has had their hands cut off. I still have a valuable, extremely expensive skillset; I just have no way to utilize it.

I'm pretty sure I hate computers now. They're a very real trigger for me, and the thought of working at one again feels like a death sentence. I'm in my late thirties, and I'm looking down the barrel of having to go back to school for something completely unrelated. But I'm not really sure I'd have the focus for that either, anymore. I spend my days at home, feeling like a useless broken machine. An example of a win for me is summoning the courage to leave the house and buy a pair of shoes.

I can't say that pursuing this career path has worked out well for me either.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:42 pm

I know this is so, so much easier said than done and I'm not bringing this up as an easy fix-all, but, just as a general thought to throw out there ... there is more than just "use this degree", "go back to college for a different degree", or "suck at everything".

Again, I don't want to sound like I got the cool master plan or even that I want to give advice, per se. Everyone is different and this is big life stuff nobody else can just magically decide for you. I just kinda ... wanna offer an additional perspective. Disclaimer: I'm a person who's never had a regular paying "grownup" job, so I'm in no position to give cool hot tips. I'm also a person who's been to, let me count, four different schools after highschool and had none of them work out, so I can kinda relate to feeling stuck. I've been bashing my head against the concept of gainful employment for years and years, and all I've found out is that what I've been doing so far is not working. What I'm trying to get at is that the fact that it's not working should tell me something, at some point, and that this fact is actually okay.

We live in a fucked up world where our worth in society is measured in how much money we make and how hard we work ourselves to death. It's fucked up that we are often forced to make choices that are shitty for our existence just to make money to survive. I have no helpful answer to that and would again never dare to suggest that things are easy. They're not. It sucks.

However! I still want to express ... I've personally gone through so much shit in the name of what's supposedly right and productive that I have to accept it's not going to work. I wasted enough money and time and energy on it. It's not the right way. I ignored the signs four times and four times I failed spectacularly with no degree or tangible progress to show for it. I've come to accept that as much as "the norm" or whatever dictates this shit might tell me I'm being stupid, nothing will magically change that. I tried getting a better highschool degree to go to university because that's what people are supposed to do, and I couldn't cut it. I went to a fancy expensive school for a subject I really like, but it was really tough and I couldn't cut it. Academics and school are major trauma points for me and my autistic, ADD-addled brain isn't good at them or enjoying them. I've tried to beat myself into it because clearly I just wasn't working hard enough or whatever, but nope. It's not happening.

I'm out of fucks to give for what's supposed to be "productive", now. Because what I've been doing was negative productive. I'm finally learning to accept that I have skills and things I care about, and I should freaking pursue those instead. Even if it's what people deem a worthless job or a tough field to make money in. Risks are worthwhile to take into account, but I'd rather take the risk than do absolutely nothing and feel awful about myself. Being able to do 20% in something is better than 0%. If you are currently at 0% and you've exhausted all options, then don't stick with it anyway. At some point it doesn't matter what the reason is for why it's not working - If there is no real reason to believe things will improve, then don't tell yourself they will. Sometimes even just slightly changing gears can be a big game changer, but if your current gear is rusted to fuck, change gears in some way.

A friend of mine changed majors three times before dropping out of university anyway. he went from material science to construction to a third thing I forgot. Turns out, he just really likes hands-on problem solving and isn't an academics guy at all. He got an apprenticeship at a small IT company and now programs database solutions for other companies. He's enjoying it so much he's going to trade school for a degree, now.
His mother trained as a florist and worked in the field for a bit, but she wasn't really enjoying it and felt meaningless in what she did. She trained to become a nurse instead and now works in a retirement home, something completely different from what she used to do but she's genuinely loving it.
Another friend based his head against university repeatedly as well, had to drop out. He treaded water for a good long while and felt really useless. Later he found out about a company that specifically supports and hires autistic people, and got a job through them at an insurance company. He's not really loving his job, but he's good at it and can do it reliably enough to get by. He uses it to fund his real passion career, creating boardgames, and invests his energy and time into that whenever he can.
My own mother has a PhD in medieval history and was doing research work, but she is in a very specialized niche and even in good ol' Europe nobody funds research into medieval monastery writing. She did what a lot of people would consider "beneath" her and went back to a job she did as a student, namely being a tourist guide in a nearby historical town. It's nothing to get rich with but she actually gets a lot of assignments, and she has a great time passing on some knowledge.

As for myself, I'm getting serious this year about making an income out of my art and creative efforts. It's the exact opposite of easy, but being me has never been easy. The "adult" shit hasn't worked, and I'm done giving a shit about it. Like I said - I'd rather do 20% than 0%, and my attempts at "adult" shit were absolutely 0%.



Again, I'm not saying that there is an easy answer here. I only listed examples out of my social circles to hopefully post something you can see a bit of yourself in. Life is a stupid, convoluted path and shooting for what other people tell us would be perfect isn't really the answer. You've been thrown serious curveballs that you didn't deserve, but they have the nasty tendency not to care about that. You deserve to care, though. My hot take is that you deserve to care about what works for you and what doesn't and that within the means you get, striking out and away from the beaten path might very well be the best possible thing. Ask people and a lot of them will say how they didn't end up in their dream career, or the career they expected, or the career they studied/trained for. Not all of those people are unhappy. Quite a few aren't, even. Sometimes the stuff we didn't think of is the stuff that is right for us. Maybe you discover you absolutely love being a social worker/mortician/plumber/creative freelancer/concert technician/florist/optometrist/bartender/landscaper/garbage truck driver. I have no idea. But, depending on your situation, being willing to entertain supposedly foolish ideas and daring to ask yourself what you would enjoy doing could very well be your best and most realistic option.


Thanks for reading my rambling. I'm applying for a summer job at my favorite ice cream place tomorrow, by the way. Who knows if that will work out, but I tell you what, I think I would enjoy being an ice cream person. And I frankly give no fucks if that's not "good enough". It's something I wouldn't hate. That makes it good enough.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Apr 30, 2018 11:13 pm

Also, I fully realize it might be silly to link an E/N thread here but this thread from OP to the point where the OP says they consider the thread done is a resonating and I dunno, I'd say ultimately positive read. Click if you can/will read SA
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Kronos (?) » Mon Apr 30, 2018 11:56 pm

I guess part of it is that I've been sitting on this self-publishing thing for almost a year now - I have two novels that more or less just need a professional editing job before they're ready to go, but a friend (who wants to jointly publish his own works with me) says I should form my own LLC first to avoid legal trouble. Of course, I can't do that without setting up some kind of special bank account and my dad is convinced I can't handle it, so I've been stonewalled in that sense. And Dad will NOT budge on the issue so I was going to wait until the job thing went away before bringing it back up.

And then I got fired from that job (which looking back on it wasn't going to have worked out anyway and I regret passing up better potential jobs for it).

It's just frustration that I've been stuck in this rut for so long and everything I try to get out of it either goes nowhere or my parents refuse to give me the help I need - because I legit think I could get some headway with at least one of my novels if I could get it out there. Feels like my life just ground to a halt and I can't get it moving again.

Add on top of that this stupid atkins diet I've had to deal with for several months (which itself has gotten better, but I'm fucking sick of dad going on about how he doesn't think he could go back to eating like he used to, when I personally am DYING for some quality Pizza and noodles again instead of all the attempts to make cauliflower be stuff that isn't supposed to be cauliflower) AND learning only today that my sister is going to take my car up to her internship in another state, meaning I have to probably share dad's car. Which I'm not that big a fan of because I drive a Mazda2 which is a SMALL car in comparison to his Nissan Altima.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue May 01, 2018 2:12 am

For once, I think my life experiences actually make me qualified to give some advice, and I hope it’s useful. I have a few anecdotes to drop first, to help me make my point, so bear with me.

There are some good things about being well into the second half of your life (I.e. being past 40), and one is, you care a lot less about what other people think. I wasted decades trying trying to force myself into every box that people put in front of me, just to make them happy. It never fucking worked. I was so eager to please, to try to get people to like me (hopefully even love me), that nobody liked me. From childhood all the way through adulthood.

My childhood dream? All I wanted to do was be in a band. I loved music. I wrote thousands of shitty songs in my school notebooks based around one or maybe two chords. It was the one thing I had where I could express how I felt. Sure, I would have loved to do comics, but I can’t draw for shit. I wrote stories because I was bored and because a teacher I had a crush on liked to encourage me to write. :-I

So when I told my parents that I wanted to be a musician, guess what they did? My dad told me that you can’t make a living that way. Guess what I did? I gave in. Like a fucking fool.

He was adamant on me getting a business degree, and we had horrible fights all through high school. My compromise was film school, because that was the one creative degree he thought could lead to a job. I knew nothing about cameras, started failing photography almost instantly, and ended up never going to classes and failing all of them. I’d never had to make an effort or do homework to do,well in high school, so this was a rude awakening. I quit film school before my first semester ended. I tried to run away to California, and failed miserably at that, too, because I drove into the first ditch I came across and ended up going home. I gained 100 pounds in a few months, I hated myself, and I ended up working retail because my dad told me that if I wasn’t going to go to college, I had to work.

I’ve failed at nearly every job I’ve ever had, and let me tell you, I haven’t had many. I have less than 5 years of job experience to show for my entire adult life, because I ended up being almost completely unable to function in normal society. I got harassed out of one retail job for being queer, and of course I couldn’t prove anything, because discrimination is very hard to prove, especially in an at-will employment state. It gave me a nervous breakdown and I didn’t work again for 6 fucking years. I have no savings. I’m still unemployed. I’m never going to be able to retire. First my childhood was shit and then the years of constant failure I had between 1995 and 1998 contributed significantly to my bad mental health. And when I went back to college as an adult, I didn’t do it because I really wanted to. I wanted the approval of my parents, and it was about seven years’ worth of misery.

I’m not telling you all of this as a bid for pity, mind you, and I really don’t want to come across like my problems are special, or more pressing, or worse than anyone else’s problems. We all have problems. Life is fucking hard. I’m telling you so you know exactly why I’m going to give you this advice.

You have to be your own person. Well, that sounds glib, doesn’t it? It’s not easy at all. It requires you to be able to tell people “no,” and that’s the hardest thing to say to people, especially the people you care about. I agree with what Perry said: you have to do the things that you think are best for yourself. Within reason, because this is a shitty capitalist society, and therefore we are all obligated to find ways to earn money to survive. But if your degrees aren’t getting you anywhere, you aren’t obligated to stick with them. If you’re okay with taking classes, and you don’t have much money? Do what I do, look for free or super-low-cost classes to pick up new skills. My local library frequently offers them, as does the local senior center. Learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby, whatever. If you aren’t down with academia, there’s a whole internet full of lessons on how to do things. Many of them are poor or misleading, of course, but a little critical thinking and Google can go a long way. Volunteer, write clickbait, drive for Lyft, do whatever you have to do to earn the space to figure out what it is exactly that you would rather be doing.

Don’t worry so much about keeping up with what society expects out of you. Getting the job you’re “supposed” to have makes some things easier, in that you don’t have to worry about food or shelter, and it makes it easier to socialize. But it won’t fix your personal problems, or necessarily make you a better or worse person. In fact, sometimes it just gives you more things to worry about: higher rent, a mortgage, whether or not you need to jump ship from your current job to a higher-paying opportunity so you can afford the family that you don’t have the free time to form.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It is perfectly fine to want a new job, a better home, and/or a family! If those are your goals, by all means, work towards them! But if you’re just doing these things because it’s what everyone else wants and expects out of you, that’s when it’s time to take a step back and ask yourself “What do I really want to do?” Because now is the perfect time to ask yourself that question. The more obligations you pick up in life, the harder it gets to have the courage to ask yourself that question. It’s much more tempting to stay out and not take a chance.

It’s perfectly okay to not be able to make this decision right away, too. You might need to try a lot of different things to discover what it isn’t you’re willing to try to do. You might end up with a passion for selling corn dogs, or being a paralegal, or working on GUIs. It might even take a few years. If you are not elderly or terminally ill, this is okay! It’s okay for things to take time, especially when you are young and healthy. It’s okay to not get something right the first time, or the fifth, or the fifteenth. It’s okay to make some mistakes, and it’s okay to figure things out later than other people have. We are not a one-size-fits-all species. We all have different talents and skills, and we all work it out in our own times, fate willing. And that’s okay too.

Me? I already started down the creative route. I gave up on getting a regular desk job a couple of weeks ago after my last disaster of a job interview, because I am just beyond sick of trying and failing to get even a McJob and being told that I am either underqualified or overqualified. I applied for an income-based repayment plan and hopefully that will work out so I can write on a regular basis. It’s the only thing I am even remotely good at any more, it gives me some personal satisfaction, and I would rather fail while doing something I enjoy than get depressed about failing to get the jobs a college grad is supposed to get, same as Perry.

Momo, I feel so bad for you. You’ve always tried to be supportive for other people, even when, like me, they didn’t fully appreciate what you were doing for them, and it sounds like you get very little support at all. What you need to do right now is to be kind to yourself, and know that because you are in a bad way right now, things don’t always have to be that way. If you’re struggling, just focus on getting yourself through each day the best you can. FWIW, my inbox is open if you really just need to vent, hun.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Tue May 01, 2018 2:37 am

I think others said it best, but I figured I'd add my own experience as well:

I was absolutely adament at making cartoons my career, extremely to the fault. While my dad was supportive, my mom was always doubtful about it, urging me to give teaching a shot (both my parents are teachers).

I had a job at a warehouse that I absolutely hated. What was a "temp" job ended up lasting about 5 months, and I was absolutely glad when I got laid off. I decided to use that as an opportunity to drive to LA and try to get a job in animation. I think some of the people here may remember that from the old forums because I posted about it.

I visited several animation studios and talked to people, showing what comics I had at the time, but I ended up getting nothing, and with money running out, I had to return to Tennessee about a month later. I was absolutely miserable, and my money situation was getting worse. I had even less money than before; my bank account was like a black hole.

...then about a month later, I got a message on Facebook from a guy I met in LA. He liked my comics and offered me a gig illustrating his webcomic; he would write and I would draw. The pay wasn't much, and the subject matter of the comic (about music and bands) is something I have absolutely no knowledge of, but I took it. It wasn't easy work; the deadline was super tight, and there were days where I had to redraw an entire comic and send it to him in less than an hour, but it taught me a lot on what to expect, including writing out invoices, keeping records for tax purposes, maintaining deadlines, etc.

Not long after that webcomic gig, I sold a page to a comic book based on a popular kids cartoon. Around the same time, a major magazine bought my gag. Then Universal Press Syndicate picked up "Ask a Cat" for their website. I'm now drawing a second webcomic concurrently, which has also been well-received from fans. Basically, this snowballed into a freelance career I still hold today, and it all started because I impulsively drove 2,000 miles to find a job that I had very little chance in.

And just as I was about to give up my dreams of working in animation, the creator of "Pencilmation" emailed me out of the blue offering me a storyboarding gig for his cartoon. That was November 2016, and today I'm in the middle of boarding my 15th episode for the series, with more on the way. This brought back my enthusiasm for animation, with plans to start a LLC for my "studio", using this gig as a guide on what to do.

TL;DR: everyone has a different path to getting their life together. I'm not saying you should impulsively drive 2,000 miles to find a job, but sometimes it takes a little risk and trying to find something that works for you.

Good luck to whatever you decide!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue May 01, 2018 3:57 am

How do you, I don't know... function? My room continues to be a mess. My planner's slots continue to be empty or remain a reminder how much I've not accomplished. I never thought Sarah Anderson's scribbles could have that affect compared how I relate to so many of them. I have so many plans, but how can I get them started when I can barely take out the trash?

I keep being the first to say hi to people. It would be nice not being the first one to say hi, for once. Am I really that annoying? I guess i can kinda see why I am. I just wish people would rather say it to my face than hide it. Being sure you're a piece of garbage is better than being unsure of it.

I envy people who have the drive to do things. How and where do they find it? What motivates them? How do I not feel tired all the goddamn time
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue May 01, 2018 5:00 am

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 3:57 am
How do you, I don't know... function? My room continues to be a mess. My planner's slots continue to be empty or remain a reminder how much I've not accomplished. I never thought Sarah Anderson's scribbles could have that affect compared how I relate to so many of them. I have so many plans, but how can I get them started when I can barely take out the trash?

I keep being the first to say hi to people. It would be nice not being the first one to say hi, for once. Am I really that annoying? I guess i can kinda see why I am. I just wish people would rather say it to my face than hide it. Being sure you're a piece of garbage is better than being unsure of it.

I envy people who have the drive to do things. How and where do they find it? What motivates them? How do I not feel tired all the goddamn time
You are not a piece of garbage. Hey, a few years ago you were my Secret Santa and you sent me some really rad music and a cool book, and it made me happy. A piece of garbage wouldn’t participate in a gift-giving scheme for no guaranteed reward, just to help make some random Internet person they’ve never met have a better day, but you did. :flutterunsmith:

As for drive? Shit, I have days where I don’t get anything done because I can’t stop feeling bad, even with therapy and meds, and that’s okay. Living with mental illness means there are going to be bad days sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person. If you’re in a really low moment, it’s all right to just focus on getting through the day. One small thing at a time, because small steps are still progress.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Tue May 01, 2018 7:29 am

On the jobs note, I can only echo what some have said that looking only for the jobs/paths you think you're supposed to have is unecessarily limiting. I know lots of people who aren't using much/all of their schooling (some dropped out some didn't) and are holding down a job while doing stuff they love on the side, or stumbled into a job they like that they wouldn't have expected, etc.

--
Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 3:57 am
I keep being the first to say hi to people. It would be nice not being the first one to say hi, for once. Am I really that annoying? I guess i can kinda see why I am. I just wish people would rather say it to my face than hide it. Being sure you're a piece of garbage is better than being unsure of it.
This is a cognitive distortion, and me not being a trained professional, I'm not sure what I can do to break you out of it. All I can say that some people are thinking "That person is always the first to say 'hi', I'm glad they're so friemdly/outgoing."

Also, I would be careful not to lump things together. Not doing some things (like cleaning up your room or making progress on certain goals) is not the same as not functioning at all.

--

On a separate note, I'm still having trouble dealing with my own mental health/life stuff, and I'm not happy with my current therapist even though he's convenient to access. But the things I struggle with and my perspective on them seem so radically different from what everyone here who talks about their problems discusses that I'd feel out of place and worry about saying the wrong thing if I went into detail.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue May 01, 2018 8:03 am

diribigal wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 7:29 am
On a separate note, I'm still having trouble dealing with my own mental health/life stuff, and I'm not happy with my current therapist even though he's convenient to access. But the things I struggle with and my perspective on them seem so radically different from what everyone here who talks about their problems discusses that I'd feel out of place and worry about saying the wrong thing if I went into detail.
Your experiences and perspective are just as valid as anyone else’s are in this thread. :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue May 01, 2018 10:44 am

I'm glad people felt my post re: jobs and prospects wasn't entirely awful. I was pretty tired at the time but really wanted to say something, so I wasn't sure if I said anything that made sense. :v: The sentiment sticks, nonetheless - Life is a weird and winding path and there are pretty much always options. Not easy ones, but they exist. Even if you have to do something big or drastic to get to them. At least for me personally, I'm done caring about that. I'm willing to entertain literally anything that could be okay for me, because all I've found so far were things that are not okay for me.

I know it's so much easier said than done, but I really do wish that others struggling with the same garbage treadmill and the feeling of not having any prospects can maybe entertain this idea. You deserve to look into things that would make you happy in some way. Even if it's not perfect, and it's a difficult path - Something is better than nothing. You deserve so much more than nothing.

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 3:57 am
How do you, I don't know... function? My room continues to be a mess. My planner's slots continue to be empty or remain a reminder how much I've not accomplished. I never thought Sarah Anderson's scribbles could have that affect compared how I relate to so many of them. I have so many plans, but how can I get them started when I can barely take out the trash?

I keep being the first to say hi to people. It would be nice not being the first one to say hi, for once. Am I really that annoying? I guess i can kinda see why I am. I just wish people would rather say it to my face than hide it. Being sure you're a piece of garbage is better than being unsure of it.

I envy people who have the drive to do things. How and where do they find it? What motivates them? How do I not feel tired all the goddamn time
The way you look at yourself affects how you interact with people. I personally really enjoy talking to you, but you aren't around a lot and I worry about bugging you. You seem often withdrawn and like you don't really want to open up about what you wanna talk about, your interests or whatever. That is the nasty thing about cognitive distortions and depression - They tell us nobody likes us, and we act like it, which actually makes it harder for people to engage with us even if they do like us. That's why I keep calling depression a self-sustaining parasite, because it encourages behaviour that maintains the depression.

I don't blame you for feeling how you do at all, it's sadly very typical for depression. But do know that you are lovely, and that the things that you struggle with (like being open, clean or whatever) are largely tied to mental illness. You are not your mental illness. You are not a piece of garbage. Feeling like one doesn't mean you are one. Try to be more concious of these thought patterns and seperate the feeling from fact. Depression tries to warp your perception of reality, and thus it's really helpful to keep reminding yourself of the actual reality.

As for motivation, I have it because I'm out of fucks to give basically. It's okay if I still often struggle with not being too anxious to do stuff, or not having energy for what I wanna do. I'll look into ways to make it happen, at whatever pace it ends up being. I'm done giving a fuck about all the shit depression tells me I suck at. It's like a nasty person trying to tear me down. No joke, thinking of it as a nasty person has actually helped me not take it at face value - I don't want to give an asshole the satisfication to see me give up forever, and if that asshole is part of my brain, that counts too.

diribigal wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 7:29 am
On a separate note, I'm still having trouble dealing with my own mental health/life stuff, and I'm not happy with my current therapist even though he's convenient to access. But the things I struggle with and my perspective on them seem so radically different from what everyone here who talks about their problems discusses that I'd feel out of place and worry about saying the wrong thing if I went into detail.

I fully second what Madeline said. Your thoughts are just as welcome here as everyone else's. Don't shut yourself up for our sake, your posts are appreciated too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed May 02, 2018 2:46 am

Thanks for the replies and sorry for not getting to y'all sooner. Been busy sleeping all day. I was in a pretty dark spot and kinda still am.
I know I can be aloof and withdrawn. Which obviously doesn't help much.
Normally I don´t mind initiating conversations but somehow I managed to convince myself nobody really wanted to talk to me. There are more things I probably need to address but right now I'm too much of it to think of them :-I
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Erythema (?) » Mon May 07, 2018 11:05 pm

Been looking deep within myself as of late. Recently I had a bit of a revelation where seemingly separate events in my memory finally connected and it told me something I already thought about but that now there is simply no room for doubt. Apparently I harbor a death wish deep inside my being and the way to get there is through dating a psychopath. The good news here is that this is unlikely to occur as I and very certain that the person I've taken interest in is anything but. Still, this is my burden to carry.

It's difficult to get oneself to move forward when one harbors a death wish. Rotting away is surprisingly comfortable when you don't think about it, which has become especially easy to do given that we live in a world of distractions like no other time in history.

As for why, I haven't quite figured it out yet but I might have a clue as to what it could be. I think it comes down to me believing myself to not be deserving to live or that I deserve to suffer to the fullest possible extent. I know how harsh that sounds. I think the common theme here is that I haven't faced my past, instead indulging in the temptations of the present and obsessing about the future.

I'm going to have to continue to face my past and see what else I can learn about what's going on under the hood. The more I understand, the more opportunities I have to become a more sorted and leveled person.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Momo (?) » Mon May 07, 2018 11:55 pm

Erythema wrote:
Mon May 07, 2018 11:05 pm
Been looking deep within myself as of late. Recently I had a bit of a revelation where seemingly separate events in my memory finally connected and it told me something I already thought about but that now there is simply no room for doubt. Apparently I harbor a death wish deep inside my being and the way to get there is through dating a psychopath. The good news here is that this is unlikely to occur as I and very certain that the person I've taken interest in is anything but. Still, this is my burden to carry.

It's difficult to get oneself to move forward when one harbors a death wish. Rotting away is surprisingly comfortable when you don't think about it, which has become especially easy to do given that we live in a world of distractions like no other time in history.

As for why, I haven't quite figured it out yet but I might have a clue as to what it could be. I think it comes down to me believing myself to not be deserving to live or that I deserve to suffer to the fullest possible extent. I know how harsh that sounds. I think the common theme here is that I haven't faced my past, instead indulging in the temptations of the present and obsessing about the future.

I'm going to have to continue to face my past and see what else I can learn about what's going on under the hood. The more I understand, the more opportunities I have to become a more sorted and leveled person.
As someone who still struggles with a death wish, this post really resonates a lot with me. Letting myself rot away became something of a pasttime for me. Please take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm not exactly doing the greatest. But at one point I was ready to die, and committed to a plan for doing it, and I'm not anymore. The best and simplest advice I can give is to find more reasons to live. As many as you can. For me, it's been people. Treasure the friends you have, and try to make more. This can be hard to do when you're hurting. Fight the urge to isolate yourself or insulate your friends from your pain, but be mindful to not go too far in the opposite direction and ignore boundaries. If you're struggling for ways to meed people, maybe find a local support group that fits your needs, or take a class and learn a new hobby.

I'd also agree it's a good idea to confront whatever demons are still haunting you from your past. There's a good reason people call bad memories demons. They lurk in our conscious minds, periodically reemerging to torment us. In extreme cases, they can even possess us. If there are things you can do to bring about closure - people you can apologize to, make amends with, confront, forgive or indict - then make an effort to do them. But be as safe as you can doing so. New trauma doesn't fix the old stuff so much as makes it worse.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Erythema (?) » Thu May 10, 2018 6:33 pm

I think I'm starting to see what I might have been doing wrong all this time. I've been giving my feelings way too much credit. I do have a good reason to dismiss my feelings and emotions: the apparatus is corrupt and can only lead me into darkness if I follow it without question, without hesitation.

But I know better than to suppress emotions. That never works out. The proper way might be to let them go rather than push them down. This is something that will take practice, I'm sure.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat May 12, 2018 3:45 am

I thought I was doing a lot better than I am, which seems to be a recurring problem with me. I feel awful that I melted down here again, because it was unhealthy and unfair to put that burden on other people. This is exactly why I don’t trust myself.

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