RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Dec 03, 2018 12:07 am

I’m hoping it will help over time but I also can’t help but be scared and anxious. :-I But I can’t keep falling into the same pit over and over again.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Mon Dec 03, 2018 1:32 am

You got this girl! :yay:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:00 am

A rather dark line of thought crossed my mind when the topic of self-loathing popped up on Discord earlier. It's that there's a rather distressing chain of logic in my head for when I'm told not to hate myself. I'm a mess of a person. If it's not my fault, then who do I blame? My parents? My teachers? Society at large? That path leads to general misanthropy, which is even more toxic than self-loathing. So what if we side step that and conclude that it's no one's fault. That the universe just happened to play out this way and there's nothing I or anyone else could have done about it. That's just nihilism, arguably even worse than either of the previous options. I can't think my way out of this one. I'm just kinda stuck, and it's really dragging me down at the moment.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Mon Dec 03, 2018 6:20 am

I want to push back on a couple of things and remind you to keep aware of common cognitive distortions.
If it's not my fault, then who do I blame?
Blaming yourself (in the form of hating yourself) and blaming any of the people/groups you listed are both under "blaming" on that list and I don't think either are useful.

Even if you had a giant spreadsheet prepared perfectly by magic that laid out every chain and percentage of blame, it wouldn't really help you get better as it's focused on the past.
Perpetual Motion wrote:
Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:00 am
I'm told not to hate myself.
As an aside, even presupposing a large portion or whatever you're concerned about were actually your fault (it's not), that still wouldn't be a logical justification to hate yourself. Hating yourself inhibits your ability to improve yourself, which is the opposite of what you'd want if you thought you were at fault for something.

Since I don't know you and I'm not a professional I can't say whether this falls under emotional reasoning, but I have to reiterate that it doesn't help anyone to hate yourself.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Dec 03, 2018 12:38 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:00 am
A rather dark line of thought crossed my mind when the topic of self-loathing popped up on Discord earlier. It's that there's a rather distressing chain of logic in my head for when I'm told not to hate myself. I'm a mess of a person. If it's not my fault, then who do I blame? My parents? My teachers? Society at large? That path leads to general misanthropy, which is even more toxic than self-loathing. So what if we side step that and conclude that it's no one's fault. That the universe just happened to play out this way and there's nothing I or anyone else could have done about it. That's just nihilism, arguably even worse than either of the previous options. I can't think my way out of this one. I'm just kinda stuck, and it's really dragging me down at the moment.
Hey PM, I didn’t say that to hurt you, or to challenge you to an arguement. I’m sorry I upset you.

I’m not sorry that I pointed out that self-hatred is a bad thing. Mental illness is the same as any other disability or illness. Assigning fault for it is not going to help you. Diribigal did a good job pointing out why. You didn’t do this to yourself, your parents didn’t do it, your teachers didn’t do it, and the universe doesn’t care about any individual in either direction. It has no vested interest in protecting or punishing anybody. We just live in it. It’s like blaming your house, for all the good it will do.

The past can’t be changed, so it’s irrelevant. You can’t know the future, so that’s also irrelevant. In the present, the best thing you can do is seek help in your offline life and care for yourself, the same way you would go to a doctor and take bed rest if you came down with pneumonia. You’re right about one thing: you can’t think your way out of it, because you can’t think your way out of mental illnesss by yourself. If you tried to think your way out of pneumonia, the results would be dire. Why would it work with any illness?

You need professionally qualified help, love, and support, not punishment.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:47 pm

It's not your fault. I just have some pretty toxic thought processes that I can't get a handle on. I'll talk it over with my therapist tomorrow.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Dec 04, 2018 10:11 am

Because of course things are never that simple, I just got a call saying that my insurance refuses to pay for the new medication my psychiatrist prescribed. They have enough free samples to last me until my next appointment, but they're going to have to try something else after that. I've only been on it for two weeks, so I don't even know if it was going to help me or not, but still. I hate American health care.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Dec 04, 2018 11:56 pm

Sorry to triple post, but I have more to add to my laundry list of mental problems. I was talking with my therapist about what's been going on with me, and we discovered/concluded that a large part of my problem with focusing lately is that I'm actually disassociating. I'll be trying to do something, and my attention will just slip for hours at a time, during which nothing really feels real, and when I come to, I will have accomplished absolutely nothing beyond the most mindless of tasks. It's really weird, because this is a relatively new thing. My personal theory is that it's because I have my anxiety more under control. Anxiety is like constant background noise, and I've found that having something just mildly distracting on the periphery (like music, or a podcast) to ground me is the one thing I've found to prevent disassociating, so it stands to reason that anxiety might function similarly. The longer I think about the problem, though, the creepier it gets. You straight up just lose time, as if you were sleeping, except you can just vaguely remember that time existing. You just can't view said time from a first person perspective.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:43 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:00 am
A rather dark line of thought crossed my mind when the topic of self-loathing popped up on Discord earlier. It's that there's a rather distressing chain of logic in my head for when I'm told not to hate myself. I'm a mess of a person. If it's not my fault, then who do I blame? My parents? My teachers? Society at large? That path leads to general misanthropy, which is even more toxic than self-loathing. So what if we side step that and conclude that it's no one's fault. That the universe just happened to play out this way and there's nothing I or anyone else could have done about it. That's just nihilism, arguably even worse than either of the previous options. I can't think my way out of this one. I'm just kinda stuck, and it's really dragging me down at the moment.
This is more philosophical and definitely not medical advice, but perhaps it might help to not see assigning fault or responsibility as something that requires hatred. There's no universal law of conservation of hatred saying that the amount of hatred and loathing you feel over something has to be held constant, and if it's not directed at yourself then it has to be directed at someone else. There are other reactions. Resolve. Action. Love for those things or those parts of things that you can love (especially yourself).

Also, it does not follow from something originally being no one's fault that there's nothing anyone can do about it. The weather this morning where I live was no one's fault but I sure as heck did something about it. (I put on a hat and a jacket.)

Apologies if this seems a bit glib, but I really do find that a lot of these cognitive binds tend to fade if we can just manage to challenge the oft-unchallenged assumptions that underlie them.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Angry Critter (?) » Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:43 am

I recently learned some problematic things about my presence here, and I don't think it's a good idea for me to keep hanging around. For my and others' sake...

Though, I don't just want to stay gone without expressing that I really appreciate y'all. You've been an important part of my life, during a very formative period for me no less, and for that I am very grateful. I smile when I think back to all the fun times I shared with you, online and in real-life. Thank you.

Stay awesome, and goodbye.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:04 pm

Angry Critter wrote:
Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:43 am
I recently learned some problematic things about my presence here, and I don't think it's a good idea for me to keep hanging around. For my and others' sake...

Though, I don't just want to stay gone without expressing that I really appreciate y'all. You've been an important part of my life, during a very formative period for me no less, and for that I am very grateful. I smile when I think back to all the fun times I shared with you, online and in real-life. Thank you.

Stay awesome, and goodbye.
I'm sorry if I had anything to do with this. If so, I never intended to make you feel like you had to leave. If anything, I'd rather leave myself than make you feel like you had to leave a place that was good for you.

I hope you'll remember that you can always talk to me if you seriously need help. And if you're not sure if it's important enough to talk to me for, the answer is yes, it is.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:43 pm

I didn’t go to either of the support groups I meant to go to this week (trans and DBT). The DBT one meets again next week, but the other one doesn’t meet again until January. I straight-up forgot what day the trans one was on until an hour before the meeting. I’d just gotten home from the library and I didn’t feel like going back out right away and driving all the way up there at night. The other one I straight-up slept through because I’ve been having nightmares and flashbacks at night all week and I keep having to take naps to catch up on sleep.

I’m trying to take it easy today to see if that helps, rather than run around cleaning and running errands when I’m not napping.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:58 pm

There are still opportunities to go to either events in the future, at least, so that's to consider!

Sorry you're having nightmares. Hoping for the best.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Dec 07, 2018 12:10 am

It’s okay. I’ll muddle through. I get to step up the dosage on the citalopram tomorrow and I’m hoping that will take some of the edge off. Dropping the other two while being slowly put onto a new drug was kinda rough.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:48 pm

I officially ran out of my savings yesterday. That means no more freedom to do just about anything, unless I'm doing it on my parents' dime. I can't even get my family Christmas presents this year. I'm sure my mom will offer to lend me some money for presents, but at that point she's basically just buying the presents herself. I just hate being so useless. I can't even do my hobbies right. I'm pinning all my hopes on reaching some sort of magical breakthrough that will let me earn money on my own terms, since I just can't handle regular work. The more I try, though, the less likely it seems, and it never seemed very likely in the first place.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Dec 14, 2018 1:58 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:48 pm
I officially ran out of my savings yesterday. That means no more freedom to do just about anything, unless I'm doing it on my parents' dime. I can't even get my family Christmas presents this year. I'm sure my mom will offer to lend me some money for presents, but at that point she's basically just buying the presents herself. I just hate being so useless. I can't even do my hobbies right. I'm pinning all my hopes on reaching some sort of magical breakthrough that will let me earn money on my own terms, since I just can't handle regular work. The more I try, though, the less likely it seems, and it never seemed very likely in the first place.
You have to stop equating your self-worth with things like social or career status. You are not your money, or your employment status, or your hobbies, or your ability to give gifts. You are a worthwhile and valid and good person whether you are working or not.

A magical breakthrough is not going to solve your problems, but your therapist can at least help. And if something your therapist is asking you to do isn’t working for you, let him know.
Perpetual Motion wrote:
Mon Nov 12, 2018 3:56 pm
The only person you're hurting is yourself when you beat yourself up like this. You've been through a lot that isn't your fault, and the fact you're still here is a sign of strength, not weakness. You are good! We wouldn't all be your friends if that wasn't the case.
This is just as true for you as it was for me.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:26 am

So I’m trying to reach out more and be open with new people in new places and... it’s not going well. At all. The instant I make the mistake of letting someone knows how deep my problems go, they disengage. And that’s when I get acknowledged at all. 99% of the time I don’t get any responses at all.

Yeah this isn’t working. It’a making me feel worse, not better. I feel like a social,leper, just like I always have.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:31 am

Madeline wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:26 am
So I’m trying to reach out more and be open with new people in new places and... it’s not going well. At all. The instant I make the mistake of letting someone knows how deep my problems go, they disengage. And that’s when I get acknowledged at all. 99% of the time I don’t get any responses at all.

Yeah this isn’t working. It’a making me feel worse, not better. I feel like a social,leper, just like I always have.
If you're going by the standard DBT curriculum (i.e. Marsha Linehan), there's guidance on this very subject in the latter half of the Interpersonal Relationships module. Might be worth a look, so skip ahead! A lot of it can be summed up as "Relax, everyone else is worried too, and here's how not to be too weird," but there's also stuff about reigning in oversharing. The key there is to share only a bit more than the other party is, thus building out the relationship incrementally.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:40 am

I don’t know what the curriculum is. I was a chickenshit and skipped the meetings and now I have one more strike with the clinic before they drop me as a patient and I lose my ability to get mental health covered by my insurance.

I don’t deserve any help, tbh. If I’m not putting in the effort, why should anyone else.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 4:11 am

You know that's wrong. You're only saying it to hurt yourself.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:31 pm

Factory Factory wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 4:11 am
You know that's wrong. You're only saying it to hurt yourself.
Yeah. :fluttersmith: I have to go to the meeting next week. I’m really apprehensive about it because my track record with both group therapy and anything that requires heavy practice is... not good.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:40 pm

Madeline wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:31 pm
Yeah. :fluttersmith: I have to go to the meeting next week. I’m really apprehensive about it because my track record with both group therapy and anything that requires heavy practice is... not good.
Give yourself a chance! The trick with new challenges is to last long enough that they become old challenges with which you already have mastery.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 7:15 pm

I wish I had any semblance of a work ethic. No matter what I sent my mind on doing, I can never finish it. I get partway in and just burn out on it somehow, even though I've barely done anything at all. It makes it impossible to set goals for myself, as I can never reach them. My best bet is just juggling multiple projects at once, hopping between them as needed, but that's hell on my organizational skills and memory.

It just feels like I'll never amount to anything. All the skills and potential in the world don't help if you just can't get anything done anyway.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 9:36 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 7:15 pm
I wish I had any semblance of a work ethic. No matter what I sent my mind on doing, I can never finish it. I get partway in and just burn out on it somehow, even though I've barely done anything at all. It makes it impossible to set goals for myself, as I can never reach them. My best bet is just juggling multiple projects at once, hopping between them as needed, but that's hell on my organizational skills and memory.

It just feels like I'll never amount to anything. All the skills and potential in the world don't help if you just can't get anything done anyway.
Have you broken down your project into smaller, more achievable goals? If you go into your project with the mentality "I'm going to finish this project" and don't break it down into smaller subgoals and set a reasonable timeframe for completion of these subgoals, you're not going to make much progress.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 9:54 pm

I can set small goals and meet them, but I'm seriously limited in how much I can achieve. I can write a hundred or two words of the story I'm working on, but where do I go after that? My mind is mush at that point, and I can't move from small goal to small goal. I don't even have a grasp on how long of a recovery period I need before I can do another small thing. So, yeah, I can break it down and work it out that way, but what progress I can make is agonizingly slow. This is compounded by the fact that I'm constantly struggling with the desire to just scrap weeks of work on a whim because I feel that it's worthless dreck. If I could work at the pace of a normal person, maybe reworking things would be nice and helpful, but I lose so much time and effort doing this that I have to fight with myself to keep what I've started intact.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:01 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 9:54 pm
I can set small goals and meet them, but I'm seriously limited in how much I can achieve. I can write a hundred or two words of the story I'm working on, but where do I go after that? My mind is mush at that point, and I can't move from small goal to small goal. I don't even have a grasp on how long of a recovery period I need before I can do another small thing. So, yeah, I can break it down and work it out that way, but what progress I can make is agonizingly slow. This is compounded by the fact that I'm constantly struggling with the desire to just scrap weeks of work on a whim because I feel that it's worthless dreck. If I could work at the pace of a normal person, maybe reworking things would be nice and helpful, but I lose so much time and effort doing this that I have to fight with myself to keep what I've started intact.
Something I feel it's important to ask is "Have you finished all your pre-writing tasks?" Hitting a snag could be an indicator that there's something missing from your notes that would aid you in keeping the story moving.

Beyond that, you shouldn't dwell on whether anything is "good" or "bad" until you've finished the current draft. You're going to be revising shit later anyways, so you may as well go with whatever springs to mind just to keep the story moving. You could also just skip ahead to a later part of the story and come back to earlier parts at a later date and fill in the details.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:37 pm

Quanta wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:01 pm
Something I feel it's important to ask is "Have you finished all your pre-writing tasks?" Hitting a snag could be an indicator that there's something missing from your notes that would aid you in keeping the story moving.

Beyond that, you shouldn't dwell on whether anything is "good" or "bad" until you've finished the current draft. You're going to be revising shit later anyways, so you may as well go with whatever springs to mind just to keep the story moving. You could also just skip ahead to a later part of the story and come back to earlier parts at a later date and fill in the details.
It's less a problem of "I don't know where to take the story" than it is of "the process of writing is mentally draining". It's not just stories, either. It's whatever I happen to be working on. To me, "the zone" is some mythical place people talk about like it's something creative people are just able to tap into whenever they're inspired. I don't get to do that. Even when I have an idea and am able to work on it, I'm constantly distracted, and it just tires me out after a while. That's why it feels like I'm just lazy. I'm only capable of putting in minimal effort, and likewise only ever get minimal results. Throw in the usual depression/anxiety cocktail and I'm stuck feeling guilty about not doing more, awful about the quality of my work, and simply drained by what little effort I was able to put in.

I guess I'm not expecting answers from anyone here. I just need to vent. Every day is just a constant parade of humiliation and failure, and I have no one to blame but myself.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Sun Dec 16, 2018 12:22 am

Taking breaks is fine, take them when you need them. Just make them short ones, like 5-10 minutes at a time, then return to the task at hand. Don't worry about hitting "the zone", just work in short bursts of 20-30 minutes over a couple of hours.

I'm curious to know who you think you're letting down though. I mean, if you can get out of bed and write even one sentence in your current draft, then isn't that small victory worth celebrating?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Dec 16, 2018 1:22 am

Factory Factory wrote:
Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:40 pm
Give yourself a chance! The trick with new challenges is to last long enough that they become old challenges with which you already have mastery.
I have to try, at least.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Dec 17, 2018 6:32 pm

Now I've gone and managed to work myself up into a knot over working on things that I can't actually work on things. This is what makes me really pathetic. Everyone else is out there at least *trying* to make something of themselves, but I can't even manage that much. I'm just a lazy coward. My life's just ticking away, and I'm never going to be able to get all this wasted time back. I can't even say that I don't have the skills to do anything. I have plenty of skills. They're just not in any place useful to me or what I want to do.

I'm just a perfect storm of pathetic uselessness. I can't even fail correctly.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:54 pm

You know what? Screw it. I'm starting over. Again. If I'm not going to be happy with what I've written, and it's going to be an obstacle going forward, I might as well nip it in the bud while it's just 5k words rather than the whole story. Maybe this time I'll have the right idea in my head and actually manage to make something.

Sorry that I get so worked up and melodramatic over something so insignificant. It's just that I keep promising myself that I'll do better at these things, then I just don't. It happens over and over and I don't know how to break through.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Tue Dec 18, 2018 10:20 am

If that's what you want to do, then go for it. It's all a learning experience, right?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Tue Dec 18, 2018 3:05 pm

Congratulations on writing 5k words in the first place! That's something not a lot of people can do.
Perpetual Motion wrote:
Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:54 pm
Sorry that I get so worked up and melodramatic over something so insignificant.
Please don't belittle your struggles (or similar ones others have) by calling them insignificant.
It's just that I keep promising myself that I'll do better at these things, then I just don't. It happens over and over and I don't know how to break through.
This is more something to be discussed with a professional, but maybe the promise is the problem? Like if someone were going through physical therapy, if they promised themselves they would, say, walk by a certain date that might not be helpful for a lot of reasons. Maybe it's not a reasonable goal. Maybe it's reasonable but the promise adds unnecessary pressure. Maybe it's attainable but the promise ends up being used as an excuse to slack off when things are going well, etc. Better to try than to promise to reach a goal, IMO.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Dec 18, 2018 5:11 pm

diribigal wrote:
Tue Dec 18, 2018 3:05 pm
Please don't belittle your struggles (or similar ones others have) by calling them insignificant.
Yes, please, I’m seconding this. I know you’re hurting and I’ve been debating on saying anything about this because I was afraid of triggering off a spiral in you. But it’s one of the reasons I always feel terrible about my own negative posting in this thread. It doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts others, too.

Specifically, every time I see someone 15 years younger than me in a similar situation to mine constantly belittling herself and calling herself a failure, it makes me feel really bad about myself and my own struggles to make any progress. I’ve been afraid to say anything that direct because I didn’t want you to feel guilty, PM. Also I was afraid you would use it as another weapon against yourself.

Whatever you are doing in meds and therapy is not working for you. You need to change your approach. And if you aren’t acting as a partner in your own recovery and putting in effort to change your own ways of thinking, there isn’t much anyone else can do for you. And that isn’t a reason to stop trying, and don’t you dare take it as one.

I think all you are doing when you vent in these threads is reinforcing the negative thoughts you are directing against yourself. You need to stop doing that, and you need to stop ignoring people when they tell you you are mistaken, because it’s far more likely that the multiple people who have told you you are having distorted thoughts are correct. Many, many people have the same problems that you do. You are not alone. By isolating yourself and trashing yourself and all of your accomplishments, you are not helping yourself. You are making yourself more vulnerable. You’ve raised your personal goal posts so high that you can’t meet them, which in turn justifies your self-hatred, but that is an awful thing to do to yourself. And it makes me feel bad about myself, too, because it feels as if you are judging me and everyone else struggling, even though I doubt you mean it that way.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Dec 18, 2018 6:38 pm

I'm so sorry. I never meant to come down on everyone else's struggles like that. I'll try to lay off the venting. I just had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and he's changing my meds again, so maybe that will help. I also have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so I'll talk things over with her and see if we can change our approach.

Please don't be afraid to call me out on my bullshit in the future. I've been abusing this thread as my own personal torture device, and it's just wrong on a lot of levels. I don't want to hurt any one else ever again.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:58 pm

Don't think anyone here is mad at you or wants you to stay away. It's just that re-evaluating how you treat yourself and how you cope can be good, and I think Madeline put it very well. Just because a certain type of behaviour feels comforting in its familiarity doesn't mean it's actually good behaviour that is right for us. You deserve better from yourself, because you are indeed lovely and deserving of more respect.

I'm really rooting for you that adjusting things with your doctor and talking with your therapist will help. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:30 am

I am not mad at all! And I don’t want you to stay away!
Perrydotto wrote:
Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:58 pm
Don't think anyone here is mad at you or wants you to stay away. It's just that re-evaluating how you treat yourself and how you cope can be good, and I think Madeline put it very well. Just because a certain type of behaviour feels comforting in its familiarity doesn't mean it's actually good behaviour that is right for us. You deserve better from yourself, because you are indeed lovely and deserving of more respect.

I'm really rooting for you that adjusting things with your doctor and talking with your therapist will help. :hug:
I agree 100%. You deserve so much more, PM. From yourself and from everyone else. :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Dec 19, 2018 6:37 pm

So I guess I should post something not about hating myself, huh?

The biggest notable thing to come out of my psychiatrist appointment yesterday was the identification of paranoia as a huge part of my anxiety. When I told him how paranoid I was about everything going wrong all the time, his response was basically "Oh wow, we are not treating you enough for anxiety." So now I have clonazepam for when things get bad, and we're trying another antidepressant that's been known to help anxiety once it's stepped up to a high enough dosage.

As for my therapy appointment today, we discussed what happened here on the forums, as well as the paranoia that was brought up with my psychiatrist. But I also took issue with how passive my therapy has been, since it's just been a lot of talking and introspection and not enough action. My therapist was perfectly fine with changing gears, though she's going to need a week to brainstorm with the other therapists at the agency about what courses of action should be looked into, so I'll have to wait until my next appointment to really get started on that. But things are in motion now, and I at least partially have you all to thank for that. So, thanks!
Last edited by Perpetual Motion on Wed Dec 19, 2018 9:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Dec 19, 2018 8:53 pm

That's seriously good! New ideas mean new chances. Keep an eye out for yourself. :hug: Hopefully stuff works out better!
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:36 pm

:hug:

I had group today. Not really happy that I have to go back on A) my birthday and B) the week afterwards when I have another appointment in that building so I’ll be stuck there half the day (because it’s a depressing monstrosity of a building inside). But the DBT group leader is nice and friendly, and I think it will be useful.

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