The Doctor Watches Hallmark Christmas Movies

(?) · Post by **Perrydotto** (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 3:36 am

Aria Genisi wrote: ↑
Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:50 pm
somehow these boxarts for hallmark christmas movies are even worse than the christmas movies themsleves

look, that intern with the expired copy of Photoshop 7 is really trying, be nice

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 6:49 am

The Doctor wrote: ↑
Mon Nov 27, 2017 8:49 pm

This one wasn't bad. Widow is known as Chrismas Carol in her town (her name is Carol, get it!). Widower moves to town with daughter. He has a job that requires him to move a lot. So he tries to get invovled and joins the PTA, run by Carol and they butt heads. Which means they're in love by movie's end.

Looks like waxwork

Daikatuna · Post by **Daikatuna** (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 7:08 am

i think it's pretty bold to make a movie about two wax statues falling in love

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 7:13 am

It'll melt your heart

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 6:34 pm

I'm getting too old for this shit...

Two bitter exes meet on the Christmas Train.

I think Joan Cusack's character might be a magical Christmas ghost. And man it's been a while since I've seen Joan Cusack in something, because she looks a LOT older than I would have thought she was.

edit: Joan Cusack was not a Christmas Ghost.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Wed Nov 29, 2017 9:36 am

Santa wants to retire and his son needs to get hitched.

Quark plays Santa's chief elf.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Wed Nov 29, 2017 11:13 am

There's a sequel...

Meet the Santas

Nick's been busy, and they need to get married by Christmas. Widow Mom gets her estranged Mother to plan the wedding, but she hates Nick and doesn't believe in Santa!

Quark returns.

minty · Post by **minty** (?) » Wed Nov 29, 2017 11:12 pm

The Doctor wrote: ↑
Sat Nov 11, 2017 11:59 pm
Yeah. Grumpy Cat offering a riff for the film made it tolerable.

Also, another movie...

NPH, this might be tolerable.

Then in the first minute I see some ugly red shoes, and I looked up the film, and it turns out it's a sequel to "The Christmas Shoes".

Sequel? Okay, I had to look this up because I have an irrational hatred for that song/movie. Apparently Christmas Shoes boy grows up and is a doctor and loses a patient and is sad so he goes home and looks for those godforsaken shoes only to find a sad fatherless boy has them, and then the boy dies but gives his liver to his teacher to save her life demands the doctor gives the teacher those hideous heaven shoes and I'm cancelling Christmas forever.

Aria Genisi · Post by **Aria Genisi** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 2:02 am

I don't remember what the name of it was, but I remember catching part of another one:

basically, this lady is basically called Miss Christmas, and it's her job to to find a large tree every year that's to be brought to chicago (?) and used as the big christmas tree for some center or some shit. She has a tree all lined up for this year, but right before it's ready to be transported, it gets damaged. So she's gotta find another one. And apparently she's got a bunch of leads where it's just random people sending her letters with pictures of trees?

All of her leads suck, but she comes across a kid's handmade letter from her crate of letters, and it tells her about a real good tree at some small town. No photo or anything, but she decides to believe this kid and goes to see about finding and getting that tree. She finds the tree, meets the love interest, who owns the tree, and while coming to an agreement they end up falling in with the usual romance blah blah blah blah.

Then the day where the tree is going to be picked up and shipped to chicago, she's calling and talking with a friend/co-worker/some person on the phone, about how she's gonna quit her old job and leave chicago after this christmas, and probobly stay in this small town and go with what feels right to her and that sort of thing. While she's on the phone, the love interest is coming to see her, and happens to overhear part of the conversation. But of course, from what little bit of vauge shit she's saying, he thinks that the love and romance is just an act and all she wants is the tree. He starts to leave, she hangs up, and she's all ready for the tree shit happening today, but the love interest backs out of whatever previous agreement they had, and tells her that he overheard her on the phone and thinks she's full of shit. The lady tries to explain but he's having none of it. The lady's assistant or whatever comes by with the team to see about the tree, but it's too late, and she tells the assistant that they'll just have to find another tree. And before the lady leaves, she finally gets to explain to the love interest what she was really saying and leaves.

And it's just argh, the dumbest manufactured drama shit ever. Like, there's some bullshit that comes up in these movies to really test the relationship or whatever, because that's apparently a thing in these goddamn stories, but this one just pisses me off because its literally "guy overhears a small part of a larger conversation, and how she was talking in that small part makes it sound like she's doing some bullshit even though she's 100% honest here"???? WHY. The scene immediately after is the love interest talking with his dad and from what i saw it could be summed up: "dad, i had a real good thing but i fucked up because i'm a moron" and his dad is basically like "yep you're damn idiot. but at least you had something, which is better than nothing".

I didn't catch the rest because i was annoyed with this movie, but apparently by the time they resolve things, it's too late to get the tree to chicago, so they just decorate it right where it's standing and that's supposed to be good enough?????

I hate these movies

Octavia · Post by **Octavia** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:29 am

NPH playing a straight person who's married to an actress named Rebecca Gayheart. I am intrigued on this alone.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 2:29 pm

Career woman meets Santa and longs for her old college boyfriend. She wakes up the next morning to find herself married to him and having two kids. She grows to love her new family....

AND THEN SHE WAKES UP IN HER OLD LIFE, WIPING THOSE KIDS FROM EXISTENCE AND SHE CAN NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!

But she runs into that old college boyfriend and they walk into the sunset coffee place together.

minty wrote: ↑
Wed Nov 29, 2017 11:12 pm
Sequel? Okay, I had to look this up because I have an irrational hatred for that song/movie. Apparently Christmas Shoes boy grows up and is a doctor and loses a patient and is sad so he goes home and looks for those godforsaken shoes only to find a sad fatherless boy has them, and then the boy dies but gives his liver to his teacher to save her life demands the doctor gives the teacher those hideous heaven shoes and I'm cancelling Christmas forever.

Oh, it's a trilogy.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:33 pm

Superman is a fireman who hates responsibility. She's a veterinarian. He finds a stray cat and has to take it to the vet. Superman's cat falls in love with Vet's cat and he falls in love with vet.

(?) · Post by **Fizzbuzz** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:14 pm

The Doctor wrote: ↑
Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:33 pm
Superman's cat falls in love with Vet's cat

what

minty · Post by **minty** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:18 pm

The Doctor wrote: ↑
Thu Nov 30, 2017 2:29 pm

Oh, it's a trilogy.

I am ending ALL holidays. It has to be done. Just to be sure.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:19 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote: ↑
Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:14 pm
what

Brandon Routh was Superman.

(?) · Post by **Fizzbuzz** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:42 pm

Yeah but how in the hell are the cats falling in love?

W.T. Fits · Post by **W.T. Fits** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:47 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote: ↑
Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:42 pm
Yeah but how in the hell are the cats falling in love?

Through the magic of Christm

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:47 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote: ↑
Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:42 pm
Yeah but how in the hell are the cats falling in love?

They snuggle together

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sat Dec 02, 2017 7:01 pm

DJ plays twin sisters who decided to swap lives during the Christmas Season. One rule though, NO CAPES! ROMANCE!

Long story short, there's romance.

And yes Ladies and Gents, that's HAPPY THE DOG. THE HAPPY THE DOG!

I have no clue who that is, but the dog got a credit in the movie.

(?) · Post by **Fizzbuzz** (?) » Sat Dec 02, 2017 7:09 pm

What if there were a dog named Sad?

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sat Dec 02, 2017 8:46 pm

A girl and her single dad visit the tiny mountain town on their way to a cruise vacation, but when the little girl makes a wish on a snow globe, fate conspires to keep the Vet from moving away. Mostly by having her truck break down all the time.

Also contains the Hallmark Christmas Movie rarity, a non-white person. TWO OF THEM!

This movie was actually kind of enjoyable, and I will give them credit, they have a amazing looking Santa.

Bigdog · Post by **Bigdog** (?) » Sat Dec 02, 2017 10:54 pm

this thread:

(?) · Post by **Fizzbuzz** (?) » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:15 am

Excuse me but The Doctor pretty clearly said there's two non-white people in that one movie he most recently watched

Daikatuna · Post by **Daikatuna** (?) » Sun Dec 03, 2017 12:05 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote: ↑
Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:15 am
Excuse me but The Doctor pretty clearly said there's two non-white people in that one movie he most recently watched

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sun Dec 03, 2017 12:44 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote: ↑
Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:15 am
Excuse me but The Doctor pretty clearly said there's two non-white people in that one movie he most recently watched

There were actually three. One of the sisters met a guy at the big Christmas Festival at the end and they hit it off because they were wearing the same sweaters.

Daikatuna · Post by **Daikatuna** (?) » Sun Dec 03, 2017 12:54 pm

whoa, three

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:23 pm

A Hallmark premiere event!

Holly Lodge is where all the rich people spend Christmas. But when a greedy real estate person sends his son to scout out the lodge for purchase, he instantly falls in love with the owners of the lodge.

This one just started, but I am sure by the end the lodge will be shut down for massive renovations, destroying it's rustic charm and Christmas magic will cease to exist. And these two will break up.

EDIT:

In a shocking twist, instead of taking over the lodge, the businessman learns of a secret insurance policy that lets the girl pay off the mortgage on the lodge. Their kiss on Christmas eve returns the magic of soul back to the recently-widowed non-white character who bursts into song.

It was OK.

The guy reminds me of this jerk from a Star Trek episode.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:25 am

Oddly enough, this is the first one I've seen this year with a heavy religious tone, though almost no mention of Jesus and the reason for the season.

Gabby is an Angel and she's sent to Angel Falls to help the town find it's Christmas spirit. She falls for a firefighter and City of Angels herself at the end to become human.

Beau Bridges is Michael, another Angel that only she can see an hear. He just shows up now and then to tell her not to fall in love.

Felt like an episode of Quantum Leap.

Aria Genisi · Post by **Aria Genisi** (?) » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:39 am

that synopsis reminds me of one where it's like, a high-powered business lady gets hit by a car, and is dead. In heaven (i don't remember what it was called, but I'll go with heaven), the angel there tells her that she's dead and now she's tasked to help out this single dad find his christmas spirit or something for some reason as a sort of christmas angel or something?

i'll be honest I forget a lot of it

basically, she's told not to fall in love with the guy because she's dead and it wouldn't last, and the angel shows up now and then to give her advice and to warn her not to fall in love or otherwise create a permenant relationship.

the lady falls in love anyways, and it turns out that she didn't truly die, she was knocked into a coma, so the end of the movie is that she wakes up from the coma, meets up with the single dad she helped out and get married I think

Aria Genisi · Post by **Aria Genisi** (?) » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:40 am

these vauge descriptions might be more helpful if I remembered any of the movie titles, but honestly, hallmark christmas movies are basically like godfrey ho ninja movies, and there's way too many of the damn things, making a lot of the titles feel even more interchangeable at times

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:07 pm

A girl is going to meet her future in-laws, but her fiance has to go a few days later due to big-business-deal. She loses all her stuff, including her directions to their house, but thankfully, she meets her fiance's brother, who is shocked to learn his brother is getting married.

She and the brother slowly fall in love until.....

...It's not her fiance's family. Just a family with the same last name,

DUN DUN DUN

She finds her fiance's real family and learns they suck, and her fiance is a jerk and ditches them.

One more common thing with the Hallmark Movies. When there's a love triangle, the ditched guy is always super-chill about it.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:00 pm

A newlywed couple is celebrating their first Christmas. He gets fired, and she's pregnant and neither wants to tell the other. Also, lots of family visits, which raises everyone's stress levels even more.

It's like Christmas Vacation, but with absolutely zero comedy.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sun Dec 10, 2017 7:25 pm

The most anti-Luxembourg Christmas movie ever made!

Winnie is a maid who got fired, and she takes up a job as a Governess to the recently widowed King Of Europe-land and his rambunctious daughter. She and King Ambiguous Accent hit it off, but he is also to be married to the uptight and mean PRINCESS OF LUXEMBOURG!

There's a lot of...

"THIS IS MOST UNORTHODOX!"

The big poofy Princess Dress she wears at the big ball at the end is red. It's photoshoped blue on the DVD box up there presumably to keep it from blending in with the red carpet.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sat Dec 16, 2017 7:16 pm

Not Hallmark, but after this...

I can't NOT watch it.

LETS DO THIS!

This wasn't abhorrently terrible. It's on the same level as the Hallmark movies. Though I'd say it seemed to have a higher budget.

Girl gets a press job covering playboy prince who is soon to be king. She manages to pass herself off as the young Princess' new tutor and she and the prince fall for each other. Princess learns her secret but wants her brothers REAL story told. Turns out he's a super-nice guy. Also turns out he's adopted, so his jerk cousin tries to take the throne when he finds out. Turns out the dead King amended the law to allow adopted Son to be King, and to make sure everything went well, hid the decree in a Christmas ornament and left a cryptic clue in a poem. You know, rather than just tell everyone.

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:37 pm

This doesn't seem to be a Netflix movie, but I found it on Netflix...

Jim Broadbent and Warwick Davis, so I had to give it a shot.

Halfway through and this movie is a lot of fun.

Santa crashes in London and gets arrested when he tried to get his Reindeer back. A recently released-from-prison Dad works with his Son to break Santa out and save Christmas.

The Reindeer communicate by farting.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** (?) » Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:11 pm

So what movie would you recommend for our family to watch tomorrow?

(?) · Post by **Perrydotto** (?) » Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:45 pm

Durandal wrote: ↑
Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:11 pm
So what movie would you recommend for our family to watch tomorrow?

Arthur Christmas, a very heartfelt, creative and super funny Christmas movie written by the folks at Aardman and animated by Sony

It flew under a lot of people's radars and that's a shame because IMO it's the best Christmas movie ever (or at least up there)

It's also not a Hallmark movie so that's a plus!

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:07 pm

Durandal wrote: ↑
Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:11 pm
So what movie would you recommend for our family to watch tomorrow?

Out of all the movies in this thread? That last one, "Saving Santa".

This thread was for bad Christmas movies. I just saw that last one after The Christmas Prince and seeing Broadbent and Davis' names, I had to give it a look.

As for other movies....

Any version of A Christmas Carol is always good. I'm a big fan of the Patrick Stewart version and the 70's Albert Finney musical.

Scrooged and Christmas Vacation are always good. Also a fan of The Santa Clause (but none of the sequels)

And I would put Arthur Christmas on the list. It's great for kids and it really is a sweet film with a fantastic voice cast.

If you want something very weird and have access to Netflix and Amazon Prime there's some good Christmas offerings from Rifftrax and Mystery Science Theater 3000

MST3K - Santa Clause Conquers the Martians and The Christmas that Almost Wasn't <- Both are on Netflix
Rifftrax - Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny and I Believe in Santa Clause (English dub of some 80's french Christmas Film)

The Doctor · Post by **The Doctor** (?) » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:07 pm

https://www.msn.com/en-us/tv/news/hallm ... spartandhp

Spring has just sprung, but Hallmark is already busy preparing to deck your halls this Christmas with original holiday movies.

Hallmark Channel and Hallmark Movies & Mysteries will unveil 34 new original Yuletide flicks in 2018, EW has learned. That’s a new record for the pair of networks, which last year debuted a combined 33 holiday films. (And that number was up from 2016, when 28 new Christmas movies aired.)

Blarghalt · Post by **Blarghalt** (?) » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:56 pm