TOTAL WARPONY *FINISHED, COMPLETED, DONE FOREVER*

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TOTAL WARPONY *FINISHED, COMPLETED, DONE FOREVER*

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:13 am

Chapter 1: The Emperor
"What is it we must do to guard harmony?" asked Kefka

"Isn't that the eternal question?" Said Twilight Sparkle, the new arch-lector of the Empire. The Equestria Empire but there's also a lot of other species. It's pretty inclusive.

"Yes but there are many enemies to friendship, and to us, ever since Celestia died." Said Kefka Franz, who was the Emperor now that Celestia was dead. It was true, both the part about them having enemies and the part about Celestia being dead. She died very mysteriously while fighting the hordes of chaos ponies. Some say she was revived as a powerful lich, but no one knew the truth except for the undead lich Celestia.

"What you say is true, we are surrounded by chaos, and not the non-threatening kind like Discord used to peddle. But enough of pleasantries, what is it you came to discuss?"

"I have come to discuss…” He stared hard. “What we must do to guard harmony”

“I thought as much.” Said Twilight. “Then onto business, you will have mages from each of eight schools, there is a particular sorceress from the college of metal by the name of GOLDEN VERONICA who has reportedly become one with gold. Her talents outweigh her elegance and beauty.”

“It is the opposite for you, Princess.” Flirted Emperor Kefka. An entirely tactical move, devoid of any sincerity or deeper meaning. He knew he’d have to win the heart of a princess if he was to truly become emperor, but the trouble was his moral code which had held firm: that he was a human trapped in a pony body in an alternate timeline after being cursed by a witch and could not love a pony under any circumstances. He thought if he could kill all the diamond dogs and take their warpstone, he’d be able to build a portal back. But little did he know that plan would lead to a big battle where Discord becomes an avatar of Rainbow Slaanesh

“I thought you came to talk of battle, not flirt with your arch-lector and guiding hoof in magic.” Kefka was an earth pony (who was still a man at heart), and otherwise knew nothing of the many different winds of magic, nor could he feel them. Nor could he feel the blossoming magic of love, which he thought for the better.

“Perhaps I came to do both.” He retorted

AND THEN THEY WENT TO WAR

That's all I wrote please don't ban me again.

Editor's note: It has been months since I transcribed this account. I will recall it to the best of my recollection and edit it accordingly.
Last edited by ToastGhost on Tue Jul 02, 2019 2:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:16 am

Then someone unnamed user said I should write more about the chaos gods so I dead. Then the chaos started. :pcstare:

Chapter 2: The Chaos Gods
Rainbow Slaanesh, the princess of pleasure and pain, was enjoying a showing of her wonderbolt slaves trying to fly in formation through a thunderstorm made of wine and subsequently getting hammered, when suddenly a Thunderlane dressed in maid outfit approached with a message. "Oh princess of endless ecstasy, your friends... errr, the other chaos gods, have begun to lay waste to Kraka Drakonequus and the other reaches of the frozen north. Should we assemble the steeds of Slaanesh?"

Rainbow Slaanesh had fallen asleep during that brief speech, and tried to push him away but only managed to sensually brush his wings. "We'll do it tomorrow. Or the next day. My former friends might rush to action like I used to, but now that I'm the princess of pleasure and devourer of delights, nothing matters to me except seeking out lavish excess." She shoved several golden apples into her maw, an overwhelming taste sensation that caused her wings to shudder with delight.

Now this can't go anywhere good so I'm moving onto the somehow less creepy chaos pony gods.

Raritzeentch, Changer of Outfits, was assembling an infinitely beautiful dress decorated with precious warpstones of all colors, when suddenly a Thunderlane in a dress approached with a message. "Oh, weaver of conspiracies and very fine dresses, the other chaos gods have declared war on one another, with each vying for control of the Chaos Wastes! I imagine you already know this judging by the army of screaming Spikes telling of the grand ever-changing horrors approaching, but I am obligated to tell you of this strife anyway!"

Raritzeentch was unphased by this message, focused entirely on her dressmaking. She watched over her legions of marauders wearing dresses and started to sing, "I'll toast them into the ground, the ghouls will start to glow / I'm the type of horror, type of horror, everypony should know / I'll be the one to watch, manipulate the flow / I'm the type of horror, type of horror, everypony should know"

Then she sang the rest of the song while wearing of dress of every color in a constantly shifting pattern that would destroy your mind could you behold it.

Nurgleshy was petting one of her thousands of kittens, a grotesque thing with at least a thousand mouths and ten times as many other orifices, all used for eating. She loved it and it loved her, because Nurgleshy had love for every abomination, be it big, small, grotesque, slimy, scaly, drenched in mucus or ranch dressing, she loves all sorts of animals no matter what.

It was horror beyond comprehension seeing her menagerie.

Suddenly a very obese thunderlane rolled in with a message. "Bad thing happened blah blah blah forces of chaos are spreading our horrible corruption. Also wulfolme was right."

Nurgleshy didn't devour him cause no vore. But she totally could have.

Applekhorne was sitting upon her apple throne, drinking applejuice from a cup carved from... wood. From an apple tree.

Big Mac came in and said "WE ARE GOING TO WAR!!"

Applekhorne celebrated by slaughtering an apple with her teeth and munching on its tasty apple insides.

AND THEN THEY ALL WENT TO WAR AGAIN

That's all I have for now please don't ban me ever. had at the time, kill me if you must, I know my crimes. :maud:
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:25 am

Wulfolme was wrong*.

Chapter 3: The Undead Lich Celestia
Kefka wasn't the only Round Stable member trapped in a pony body trapped in a foreign world.

Dexanth, who was now the undead lich Celestia**, was having only small troubles coping with her new incredibly powerful and magical form. She had been given immortality, but at what cost?

The cost of undeath, apparently.

The Undead Lich Celestia who was actually Dexanth idly wondered who Luna*** actually was, and where she was and if she was a lich too. She also realized that undead lich was a bit redundant, but she kept the title anyway.

Moral Rot, leader of the zombie ponies (zombonies), appeared with a message. "I've come to do gay shit, turn this into a shipfic, and ogle pictures of Thunderlane in that order!" She made out with an undead Starlight before continuing. "Also I come bearing a message that the Emperor Kefka Franz has married Twilight Sparkle and declared war on the undead!" She then stared at the above image for several hours while [DELETED] doing things.

The Undead Lich Celestia who was actually Dexanth finally spoke, "Alas, I once called him a friend, but now we are forced to war. Damn that witch that cursed us all! We shall have our revenge on her once we've driven back the chaos hordes and established our own reign of terror in their place." Really Dexanth just wanted to chill and eat some cake but being undead made everything taste like ash. Except for ash which tasted like vodka for some reason. Vodka and ice upon re evaluation.

Wow are you still actually reading this I don't think I've put any actual conscious thought into any of these last few sentences. I remember them fondly now as my life flashes before my eyes.

Moral Rot continued to address her princess. "While gay abortion rates have dropped significantly under your rule, I'm glad to report that we have more giant skeletons joining our ranks, or as I like to call 'em, Big Boners." Moral Rot continued like this for several hours, making indirect references to unmentionable topics while slowly trying to charm the undead lich Celestia. It didn't work though. Maybe it did. Probably not. But maybe so.

AND THEN THEY BOTH WENT TO WAR

Then the author had trouble coming up with more ideas for the story so they looked at the posts following this one hoping for inspiration. Or failing that, more fan art. Always more.

*Was he? Or was he half-wrong? A Nostradamus of his time? Who knows what else he had foretold that may've came to pass, but if someone were to prove him right, just who would that person be exactly?
**Later, Daybreaker
***Nightmare Moon?
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:31 am

Chapter 4: The Self-Insert Chapter
(THE PART WHERE I MADE IT WEIRD AND DID NOT STOP)

ToastGhost, who was also now a pony, took a long dram of vodka (ash) and continued his biography.

Someone, or somepony, had to chronicle the events that led up to the war. He took it upon himself to bear this burden.

A Thunderlane knocked on the door, this one relatively normal. They were both in Estallion, which was like Spain except everything was ponified and warhammer-fied. Author's Note: why the fuck does autocorrect change it to warhammer fied but ponified is apparently an acceptable word? Goddamn ponies, I tell you. One day you're watching Winter Wrap-Up in college and then several years later you're receiving salacious pictures of Thunderlane through PM's on a horsie forum.

Anyway, the Thunderlane was actually Highbrow Dash, since they were in Estallion and that makes as much sense as anything else in this fanfic.

"Please tell me you've found a way back, Senior Ghost." They had been looking nonstop for a portal, spell, or anything that would take them back to the real world, but so far their efforts had proven fruitless. The best they'd come up with was a portal to Equestria Girls Dougworld where everyone was still in high school. They agreed that would be a fate worse than death.

"I've told you not to use my real name, Thunderlane." In order to hide their identities, they were forced to use pseudonyms for their usual pseudonyms. ToastGhost, who was having trouble sticking to the third person, chose a name that would imbue him with great power and instill fear in the hearts of foreign species.

"My apologies, GOLDEN VERONICA."

It was true. I was an alicorn. I hid beneath a mask of gold and robes of crimson, trying to seek out the other TRS members who had been cursed by that witch at Bronycon selling enchanted body-pillows. May her soul rest in peace.

Highbrow Lane continued, "The 'Emperor' wishes to see you, and I would suggest you not blow off his invitation. He has been exercising his authority to ban ponies* from the Empire. It seems you can take a man out of the forums, but you can't take the forums out of a man*."

"Indeed." I replied, "And you cannot take either of those out of a man* cursed to be a pony. And not the right kind of pony* even. Also the wrong gender*." I dared not write about the genitalia* he had for fear of being banned in another time and place**.

Thunderbrow sighed, laying down on a pile of hay in the stable that ToastPony called home. "Do you ever think we will make our way back? Do you ever think that book of yours will end? And if so, will it even be a happy end?"

I closed the book after writing this last paragraph, deciding I needed a lot more drugs to continue my devil's work. The pony world had amazing drugs, while the warhammer world had amazing, crazy, and deadly drugs like the infamous Black Lotus which he'd only tried once, which made him believe he was a skeleton, a flower, and a boatman-turned-mercenary named Aramek. "All I know is..." His mind was a mess of substances and pictures of Thunderlane. "All I know is I've seen too much. The end will come soon, one way or another."

"Then shall we?" said Highlane Dash, loading a crossbow.

"We shall." I said, grabbing a longsword.

AND THEN THEY WENT TO WAR

AND ALSO THEY SMOOCHED!! :thehorror:

Now please don't send me anymore fanart. :areyousure:
Last edited by ToastGhost on Fri Nov 03, 2017 7:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Fontra (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:43 am

not enough wh40k and master chief references, worst story ever, 8/10

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Daikatuna (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 7:15 am

ban

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:13 am

Space Ghost wrote:Tue Sep 05, 2017 4:32 pm
ban
Who, me or West Filly? Eh, we both deserve it. :pinkieshrug:

Chapter 5: The Veiled Fetish Chapter

ToastGhost, who was still the pony Golden Veronica, woke up and tried to stretch her legs and wings, only to find they were bound in ropes and chains. She struggled for a few moments, taking in her surroundings: a dank dungeon smelling of moss and wet stone, no windows, only a sealed metal door preventing an escape along with the few feet of chains attached to manacles and the hemp rope tightly bound around her wings and belly. She struggled some more, trying to use her alicorn might and magic to break the chains, but it was no use, someone had put a magic-nullifying quartz ring around her long, delicate horn.

"Ahhh, the child of Tailspin has awoken." GoldenToastVeronica opened his or her eyes to see the undead filly lich CelestiaDexanth standing on a chair above her, looking down with contempt. "It's time for more... experiments."

Bolts of electricity stemmed from her horn, painfully stimulating his muscles as he writhed and twitched in agony. "The pain will only be passing. You should survive the process." Two ethereal tentacles burst from the ground, wrapping themselves around the poor ToastAlicorn before she was lit on fire, causing her to pass out in a matter of moments.

He woke an indeterminate number of seconds, minutes, or hours later, finding the filly princess stroking her mane and ears while he/she was still playing fast and loose with her own gender pronouns. "Interesting. You have much untapped power." Another blast of fire, when she woke up this time she was supine while the princess stood on her belly. "Do you even realize your potential?"

I smirked, "My potential has always been wasted, but this world is where I can finally show my true talents." She was about to grab the undead princess and continue with her plan, but then a Thundergolem burst into the room.

"MORE INTRUDERS HAVE ENTERED THE COMPLEX, MASTER"

The princess seemed displeased by this, "They act sooner than we anticipated." She stuck a hoof in my chest floof, swirling in about slightly before stepping off of my belly. "No matter, they will only prove a slight delay." She then cast a circle of teleportation planer door (thanks gloomy), but before leaving I asked the question:

"I don't suppose there's a bathroom in here?"

She simply smirked before stepping through the portal.

A few moments later the allergens in the room must've gotten to me, as the intense tickling in my nostrils slowly built up to a long and hard "Ahh... ahhh.... ahh-CHOOOO". A thin trail of snot dripped from the left nostril of my horsie snoot.

The sneeze must've attracted attention, as soon I heard the door picked open. It was somepony skilled, as the door quickly and tenderly swung open only a few moments after they'd inserted their long, slender metal tools. My eyesight was still blurry from allergies, various drug-induced hangovers, and from the fact that I'd been set on fire twice in the last few hours. "Wake up, you! Wake up! C'mon, we have to get out of here!"

Despite having never heard the voice before, I could tell from the slight accent, cute pink hair on this alicorn, and general demeanor that this was another forum-member-trapped-pony, specifically the ultra-cute Princess Thunderburger. "Th-Thunderburger? What's going on?"

She started undoing the various shackles and bonds on my pony. "She messed with your head too, huh? All I know is that we're near Horsca and we got jumped." She bonked my horn and sent the ring flying off, rubbing my horn solely to get the magic prepped and for no reason other than that. "I don't think I want to remember it all, she's been... doing things... to us. We have to get out of here!" I simply nodded in response, getting onto my hooves which felt like jell-o, and my wings which felt like panna cotta, struggling to put one hoof in front of the other until I was at the door.

I asked another important question. "I don't suppose you saw a bathroom on the way in?"

She groaned, looking at me sternly. "Can't you just hold it until we get out?"

I shook my head.

She face-hoofed and looked away. "Just use the corner, I swear I won't look. Totally not my thing anyway."

I slowly trotted to the corner and started with my devil's deed, blushing and spreading my wings to give myself some privacy. At some point halfway through I heard a shutter click and then stopped immediately.

With that embarrassing deed done, we continued down the hallway, looking into the other rooms to find various ponies being tickled, ponies attached to swinging devices, stallions in dresses, what looked like some routine hoof maintenance being performed by a ferrier pony, ponies being span-...

...yeah I don't think I can continue with this list or chapter without being banned.

So instead they fought some smoke mephits that gave 420 experience points in a room that sounded like someone constantly ripping a bong.

Also don't kinkshame. :modesty:
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Daikatuna (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:29 am

i kinkshmae

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by West Filly (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 2:45 pm

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👉👉🥜🏠

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by RIP Syndrome (?) » Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:09 pm

lmao every part of this thread is great
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Sun Nov 05, 2017 5:54 pm

Chapter 6: The Rest of The Baldur's Gate II Intro

Toasty the 8th level Alicorn mage and Thunderburgermoen the Mage/Thief were exploring the other cells, eschewing getting the weapons in the west room over freeing their other friends that had been captured first.

Jillheira the half-bunny fighter/druid was the first they spotted. "Quickly, get me out of here and stuff! I swear posting with you is never dull..."

But they didn't have the key so they 'freed' Gloominsk Rube. "You... have called me out with your thread. You won't help... Alice can see it now! You do not intend to cut my chains! You only intend to yank them! I will make sure that you do not live long enough to abandon more friends! I will... I will... I will do all of this as soon as I get these bars open! RRAAAARRGH!!! Image
The bars! They bend and twist with my gigantic strength! Gloomy and Alice are free! Now you will... nuh... now... Ooooh! Ohhh hoho... you are a smart one. I understand now! You said what you did just to get me mad! Mad enough to break free! Haha! You are as smart as Alice sometimes! Now we can resume our cardgame and chefs together! There are friends to avenge and villains to smack about the face and neck! Right Alice?"Image

Then they all slept for 8 hours so Toasty and Thundermoen could cast knock and other much more useful evocation stuff. and geared up with the stuff I'm too lazy to type out.

Then it's basically mephits, golems, and that one genies 'till you find Wayoshimo, then a bunch more of those things in jars and some traps. I'll do the confrontation with the main bad guy next chapter. remember this is warhammer and not baldur's gate eventually.

P.S. They freed Jillheira after finding the key.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:02 pm

Chapter 7: PONIES ON THE REIK
(The Part Where I Realize It's Warhammer So I Pull From The Greatest Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay Campaign "The Enemy Within" and Continue the Story)

The riverboat ran quietly through the rain-soaked night, only the creaking of wood, the bluster of air, and lapping of the small waves against the oak hull to keep you all company. It had been only a day since Kefka Franz (Emperor of The Equestrian Empire, First of His Name, Wielder of the Banhammer) had "disposed of" that vampire bat pony. Tensions were still high between all of the crew mostly due to the constant insanity of the chaos corruption that had sunk into these waters. The drugs didn't help either: whether it was Drink, Powders, Faerie Fire, good ol' pipeweed, and infamous Black Lotus, nothing provided more than a temporary escape from the horrors and dangers that lurked in the darkness outside the riverboat.

They were smart to have head south first, picking up the blue unicorn Fontra Five-Fingers, Infamous Crime Lord, and his beloved birdwifehorse Perry Edlerhuf, guild master turned ambassador. They were intertwined, and none could blame them. We all wished for small comforts in our journey into the heart of evil. Their love overcame any conflict and insanity, even watching them in combat was enough to inspire that which had been empty in one's heart.

For Toasty Veronica (Master Wizard, Scholar) it was the mystical gold-colored pipeweed smoked out of a jeweled hooded gasmask, since she relied on masks to hide her terrifying true form at all times.

Aramek the humble boatman, seemingly the only person who had kept his human form in this warhammer pony world, lit up a cigarillo, his vice in these times, joining the vigil, anxiously watching the boarded windows and reinforced hatch up to the main deck. Lights were kept to a minimum, there was the small flame beneath the moonshine distiller giving off no more than a few inches of dim light, otherwise the room was only lit with the occasional crack of thunder and the miniscule flames consuming their chosen substances.

Kefka had been rightfully going through the casks of wine that we liberated from those pirates, often bringing cups during other's watches to help warm the spirit and stave off sleep with constant companionship. Toasty Veronica has since long surpassed the need for sleep, and regularly took shifts alone watching that damned hatch, the cries of ethereal beings riding the winds demanding to be let in. Only he could see them, his jeweled eyes examining the many planes for any signs of disturbance. It had been a quiet night so far, and that was as good as it got around here. But there is still some time before Celestia's dawn, he knew. "Always darkest before dawn..." He muttered. Impressions of agreement.

Aramek threw down his butt, joining the other two at the simple and nerve-wracking past time of watching the entrances. They all stared up at iron, carved wood, and darkness. "You think we'll ever be free of this?" Someone conjectured.

An awkward silence filled the air, as no one seemed to want to address the condition they were in.

"I know we will." Perry was determined. Fontra gave a curt Hm, expressing agreement.

"I have my doubts if I will make it." I said, taking another long drag from the enchanted artifact. "But we will make it through, one way or another." He exhaled.

"If what Toast says is true, then we already have the key to our escape." He swirled his wine, a blood red grape and cherry mixture. "We just need the right time..." He took a few small gulps.

"Well I think this is probably just a dream, and thus even if we die we're going to be fine." Classic Aramek. Laughter. Curtains. Just a simple exit for the actor. If only he had known...

Another few silent minutes passed by, myself dwelling on how I would exit from this world and if I would wake up back in the proper one. Another few breaths. Like the others, I felt tired.

Without warning, there came a steady loud knock at the hatch.

A few seconds later, the same knock, four times in succession.

It sounded like a hoof. CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK.

No one dared answer it. The winged ponies were instinctively flared up, everyone with weapons at the ready.

Shuffling of hoofsteps, the first they'd heard. I was sure I hadn't heard anything walking on the deck before that knock.

"We know you're in there, humie. You cannot halt your trial."

No one said a word, but they exchanged glances.

A few seconds passed. They felt like minutes.

Suddenly there was the distinctive sound of metal stabbing into wood, somewhere in the belly of the ship.

Once again, no one said a word.

It could've been hours before any of us acted, silently watching that damned trapdoor.

Then Kefka felt it, faintly at first but ever slowly building into a crescendo. He was the chosen heir of Sigmar and Celestia, and could hear their light purifying that what haunts in the night.

Toasty recognized it when his eyes attuned to the glint of their coins coming from the pre-sun's rays, sparkling and giving a sense of material and psychological comfort.

Perry and Fontra were simply glad to have shared a beautiful pony sunrise together.

Aramek was already awake and making some coffee.

They survived another night, and that was as good as it got in the Reik.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:03 pm

Next chapter is where I got serious about this. Hold onto your horseshoes, everypony.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Gloomy Rube (?) » Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:04 pm

I still like how you managed to completely get confused and thought it was bladur's gate midway through your fanfic :-I
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Sun Nov 05, 2017 9:36 pm

Chapter 8: POWER BEHIND THE MODS
(The Part Where I Continue The Greatest Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay Campaign Ever)
The others waited, Toast Veronica was late. Off seducing some princess for solely political reasons, Kefka Franz and Aramek, the new city champion, thought.

He finally arrived, purple and gold cape flowing in the winds of magic that followed him, his mask swapped out for a gilded and jeweled crown melding with his face, the only thing showing underneath were eyes that glowed. "Forgive my absence, I had hoped you'd start without me, but I have important findings. But as always I shall wait my turn, I'm sure you've all had ample time to think your words over."

There was an uncomfortable silence before Fontra began. "With Aramek's influence in the 'court system' now, we've gotten closer to Ms. Ponyha- errr, 'Mayor Harshwhinny'." Perry and I nodded. "We've still not seen them beyond open court, but both the Marshall and Guildmaster should have our support."

"I can confirm they are with us in this endeavor. The marshall has agreed by sacred oath that our armies will fight together against the tide of chaos." Claimed Kefka. "There can be no doubt in it."

"I spoke with the guildmaster as well. Such bargains are made easily when one is... midas-touched." I stared at my hoof.

"Spill the beans, Toast. You said you had something important, don't suppose you've earned the princess's trust yet?" asked Aramek.

"Better."

I plopped this papers down across the table with magic, gold ink on black parchment detailing the order of succession for the PPPP throne. The election was unanimous. While Kefka claimed birthright, it was NeedForWeed who was the last true heir, with Fontra and Tailspin being the next in line as shittiest posters.

"The carnival winds down, and if we have no found a rallying force by then, we will be overrun on all sides. For the empire, we need the proper heir."

Kefka was furious. "They shall never lead, we have seen what they are capable of!"

Though not apparent, I smiled. "I wholeheartedly agree. That's why this is our little secret, plucked straight from the heart of the monastery."

Fontra looked sad and confused. "I'm... I'm still the shittiest poster, right?"

Perry kissed his forehead. "Of course, sweetie."

Kefka considered this. "I'll go along with this, but so help me if you try anything..."

I smiled again, invisible to all. "Of course, my friend. I would expect no less, I'm only here to help."

Thunderburger, one of many princesses in this world, burst into the backroom. "You let this one follow you." She through down the unconscious body of a masked earth pony. He showed his teeth clearly though, revealing himself for who he was, a trained assassin with no sense of right or wrong.

Sharkmafia.

"He joined with the purple hoof, you're lucky his blowdart was off mark and mine wasn't." She sat down, pouring a flagon of cider. "Now, what have I missed? I imagine you're all up for interrogating him later, hmm?"

We all nodded.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 8.5: POWER BEHIND THE MODS PART 2
(This Part Of The Campaign Takes A Really Long Time, Okay?)

After the brutal interrogation, the party set off, seeking to undo the criminal taxation and corruption that had fallen upon the city of Middenhayride. As context, the current Graf of the city, Ms. Harshwhinny who was secretly Ms. Ponyhag, had likely been corrupted by the forces of chaos and moral rot, a fate none of us had ever presumed possible until this fanfic was written. To get to her and to undo the unjust laws laid upon the land, the party had resorted to every sort of debauchery and subterfuge imaginable: extortion, blackmail, racketeering, bribery, perjury, propaganda, deception, arson, robbery, larceny, trespassing, burglary, pickpocketing, blatant theft, political aggravation, unlawful assembly, disguise and impersonation of an official, homicide, kidnapping, unlawful imprisonment, forgery, treason, high treason, writing political pamphlets disguised as fanfiction, and even hypnosis. At times they question if what they did was the right thing, but they knew deep down there could be no time for second guesses. The fate of the world, Equestria, and plain ol' boring Earth hung in the balance.

The interrogation had led them to the hideout of the Purple Hoof, an organization of assassins originally founded by Wulfolme hoping to bring about the death of the forums through the use of surreptitious materials and methods. Many of their ranks had been banned or personally executed by Kefka Franz, as he saw it his personal duty to defend the bastion of sanity and purity that was the EmPPPPire. They all doubted this time would be any different, and were all armed with steel, gunpowder, and magic, divine or arcane, ready to crush the dissident forces that sought to lay waste to the moral standing of our great forums.

A purple smudge marked the entrance, a heavy wooden door in a secluded alleyway. Kefka Franz knocked twice, and there was a few seconds before a reply was heard.

"Password?"

Kefka took no joy in repeating it. "Mark these words."

There was a click, and soon the door creaked opened. That was our opportunity to charge in.

There were only a few renegades residing in this hideout, and they were quickly dispatched either by the warbanhammer that Kefka carried, the poisoned throwing knives that made you fall in love that Thunderburger carried, or the blade of self-righteousness carried by Aramek, the humble-boatman turned town-champion who was now required by law to meet in a duel anyone who demanded trial by combat. The rooms were searched until their target was found, not an enemy, but a small pony friend who'd weathered the storm.

It was a small Sweetie-Belle-like creature with eyes that had a metallic shine as she looked up at her rescuers. "Sis? Is that you?"

I nearly took off my mask to get a better look at the friend. It had been so long since we had seen them. I rushed forward, falling to the ground and embracing the tiny unicorn. "Oh Sidotsy, don't worry, I'm here... I'll never let anything bad happen to you again, I promise." I wept tears of mercury, clutching my long-lost friend tightly to my chest, wishing that I could gaze upon them with human eyes instead of this cursed magical alicorn form. "Don't worry, we'll be fine, we'll... we'll... we'll get revenge..."

I cannot remember much of the few moments after that, but I remember the horror in their eyes when I spoke the word revenge.

With Sidotsy safe, the legislators responsible for the terrible laws could no longer be blackmailed. We set off to confront them immediately, trying to discern their true identities once and for all.

The first was easy enough to identify, what with being a large dragon and all. I was the first to speak. "Venusy, Sido is safe, we need to know who the other legislators are, else this town may fall into ruin by Luna's moon."

The purple (or royal blue or something?) and white dragon responded, "We never had any direct contact, we only spoke through private messages and board posts! As in posts on the town bulletin board because this is still the Warhammer world as I'm sure you understand. I know one of them was another mod, most likely Dirigi... Derigi... Derible... that guy with the doll in his avatar. All I know of the other one was that he was not American, enjoyed shipping, didn't enjoy ponies, and said things like 'damn fuck ass shit balls'. That could be anyone in the community though!"

A fire burned in my eyes, as I could only see red flames and destruction. "I know exactly who it is. Stay safe, if anyone else knocks, don't answer it, send birds to all the mods but especially Perry because she likes birds telling that the new laws are to be rescinded tonight." I turned and began to canter off. "I have an old friend to meet."

-----------------------------------

Carnival festivities were in full swing on this final night: food stands selling apple and hay goods, jugglers and traveling circuses performing for enthralled crowds, sooth and doomsayers predicting the end of all good things, and hidden in the crowd was a shitposter watching for us, leaving as soon as we were sighted. I walked right past them, not knowing at the time who was under that hooded frame. I was too preoccupied with my quarry: finding Ruflux and Tailspin, the orchestrators of much of this chaos.

Fontra and Axeaatxe, a dwarf-pony hit hard by the new taxes against all nonponies, priests, mages, or alicorns, followed close by, trying to keep up as I quickly weaved through the crowd, desperate to put an end to this madness before the night fell. Aatxe-Axemaster questioned me concerning these frankly confusing events as the fireworks began. "So, Aramek is actually the heir of Ar-Ulric, making him Ar-Ulmic, and as the last man he is actually the heir to the throne of Middenhayride instead of Ms. Harshwhinnyhag?"

I kept my pace, not bothering to gaze upon the spectacle of flashing lights up above. "You would be right, except Aramek is not the last man left in this world..."

Fontra piped up, "I'm still a man, right? On the inside at least?"

Perry flew by and gave him another kiss on the forehead, "Of course you are, sweetie." She flew away.

As we turned onto the destined street, our eyes widened in horror as we saw the flames leaping from Lord Wayoshimeier's house.

"No... they're already here!" I galloped off, my friends quickly behind me.

From the stables, a battle-wagon burst through the gates and made its way down the road, all ponies (and other species because the empire is still pretty inclusive) running or leaping out of the way of the fast moving cart. "Damnit, after them!" We galloped off, trying our best to make our way through the thick crowd of carnival goers, Aatxe having some trouble as his stumpy dwarf-pony legs could only carry him so far. Perry was flying after the cart, but I knew these villains were ruthless. I would've never been able to live with myself if she lost her life trying to seek my vengeance, so I called out to her. "Get to Kefka, tell him what's happened, we need to cut them off before they leave the city!" She simply saluted me and swung left, darting between buildings as we were left chasing after the modified wagon.

A figure appeared from the wagon, emerging from the top hatch with a large burlap sack with a dollar sign on it. It seemed to be a unicorn from the way they started flinging gold bits behind the wagon, causing the peasant ponies to scramble for the coins, stalling our progress and making the carnival that much more difficult to move through. We shoved ponies aside recklessly, it was not their fault they did not know of the direness of the situation. "Clear the way, clear the way!!" It was little use, they were gaining distance on us. "Damnit, we'll never reach them in time!"

I decided it was not or never, I threw off my cloak and jumped into the air, revealing my gilded wings that reflected the light from the full-moon and fireworks bursting above us. The ponies below called out, "Look, it's GOLDEN VERONICA! Let's all follow her!" More problems, but there would be time to address my popularity later. I flew after them at full speed, weighed down by the weight of my golden body but powered by reserves of alicorn magic. The wagon was nearly at the gate, and it seemed neither Kefka or Perry had made it there in time. Fontra had gotten lost too, that dingus, meaning it was just me and Aatxe who had done an admirable job of keeping up.

They made it past the gate, onto the viaduct as we chased after them. Another figure emerged onto the top of the wagon, a man this time, a bearded one that could only be described as the world's biggest hipster.

Ruflux.

The other one atop the wagon, that troublesome unicorn that had been trying to throw us off their tail (hah, horse pun), revealed their visage as their horn began to glow and the stonework beneath us started to shake. I tried to shout a warning to my companion, but it was too late. The long bridge began to collapse, with Ruflux getting onto the pony's back before the pony revealed a large pair of wings. Another alicorn, it could only be someone most powerful in PPPP, but someone without any moral guidance, it had to be...

Tailspin.

The ground and stone beneath the cart began to collapse as Tailspin took off into the air with Ruflux. I nearly flew after them, but I heard a cry, "Toooooast, helllllllp!!" I looked down. It was Aatxe, falling into the ravine, a sizeable distance that would kill any non-pegasus/griffon/whatever that would be unlucky enough to fall that far.

I had no choice. Between losing a friend or losing my chance for revenge, I would always choose to save a friend.

I darted down, scooping up the dwarf-pony before flying away from the collapsing stonework, flapping my wings as hard as I could to bring up the stocky dwarf-pone and my gilded form to the city-gates, collapsing in a panting heap as I watched Tailspin and Ruflux fly away.

I called out to them, my voice filled with fury and anguish. "THIS ISN'T OVER, YOU HEAR ME TAILSPIN?! THIS WORLD IS MINE, YOU'LL NEVER STOP US!" His figure drew further away, I called out louder, "DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU TO SHITPOSTING HELL, YOU AND ALL THE OTHER CHAOS GODS THAT I MIGHT'VE ACCIDENTALLY CREATED! I SWEAR, ONE DAY YOU'LL SEE WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!" Their figure became a faint dot among the fireworks as I tried to contain my unceasing rage.

"DAAAAAMN YOU TAAAAILSPIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!" :applejargh:

And then they all fucked

In a nonsexual way of course
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Sun Nov 05, 2017 9:37 pm

Now I need to wait for like 20 more posts. :-I
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sun Nov 05, 2017 9:49 pm

ToastGhost wrote:
Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:13 am
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:10 am

CHAPTER 9: REPURCUSSIONS OF PONY
(The Filler Chapter Before I Wait For Page 2 To Finally Finish This Awful Shit)

KefkaFloyd waited. The torches above him blinked and flickered out of the air. There were zombie ponies in the base. He didn’t see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Comrade Cosmoboy were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

Kefka was a forum admin for fourteen years. When he was young he read the forums and he said to Redeye “I want to be on the forums daddy.”

Redeye said “No! You will BE SHIPPED BY PONIES”

There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the dark depths of PPPP he knew there were ponies.

“This is Cosmo!” the radio crackered. “You must fight the ponies!”

So Kefka gotted his computer and locked the thread.

“HE GOING TO BAN US!!” said the demons

“I will PM him” said the cyberpony and he fired the private messgage. John IP-lookedup at him and tried to ban him up. But then the server gave a 404 and they were trapped and not able to post.

“No! I must post the ponies!” he shouted

The radio said “No, Kefka. You are the ponies!”

And then Kefka was a unicorn.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:10 am

Give me 22 more posts and I can finish this devil's biography/spitefic.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:31 pm

I guess I will have to post the audiobook in the meantime.

https://soundcloud.com/user-546108777/c ... or/s-uKQvP
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Thu Nov 30, 2017 4:41 pm

CHAPTER 2: THE CHAOS GODS (audiobook)

Just make sure your volume isn't too high, my mic isn't that great. Also someone liked this on soundcloud. :-I

Otherwise rate my voice and voice acting. I even sung for you all. also lol total track length 4:20 :v:
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:28 am

CHAPTER 3: THE UNDEAD LICH CELESTIA (audiobook)

Moral Rot is a fun character to voice. :allears:
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:17 pm

CHAPTER 4: THE SELF INSERT CHAPTER (audiobook narrated by Aramek)

I declare Kefka to narrate the next chapter.

This ends in a ban or death.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Bigdog (?) » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:23 pm

td;dl

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:25 pm

Too dumb; didn't look?
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Big Boss (?) » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:51 pm

I'll dramatically read your chapter, why not.

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Feb 16, 2018 3:00 am

CHAPTER -1: THE CURSED WITCH WHO CURSED US AT BRONYCON
(THE PART WHERE I EXPAND THE STORY IN AN EFFORT TO GET TO PAGE 2)

I would've been wearing blue that day, along with a security badge, milling through the marketplace while off shift. I was free to do as I pleased, so I shopped the various stores with my eyes only, taking delight in the aesthetically pleasing wares.

KefkaFloyd would have been running his store nearby, so I sought him out. It turns out he had been placed right across from a bodypillow shop again, but we would soon both learn that this was no ordinary shop, in that it was actually a shop that sold extremely cursed bodypillows.

I asked my dear friend and forum monarch, "What's up with the crone running the bodypillow shop?"

"I don't know, but she tried to sell me a pillow with Big Boss on it."

"Sounds radical, I'm going to check it out."

Five meters later, I was browsing the displays that seemed to shimmer with life, almost as if they were changing when not looking at them. There was one that caught my eye, a scarved pony in an all-too familiar coat and mane of white and blue respectively. Upon seeing this I broke into a cold sweat, and meant to ask the crone what the deal was. But instead, all I mustered was this:

"How much for this one?"

He hooded visage smiled, her eyes, and possible third eye or horn out of view. "Hehehe, you must pay a special price for that one!"

I flipped through the selection. There were various furry, pony, and the occasional human design, but I noticed all of them seemed strangely familiar. A purple mare with thunderbolts, a grey earth pony with weird limbs and cool hair, literally celestia, and one that seemed to just be a profile picture of Aramek. But even after turning through what might've been a thousand bodypillows, I somehow ended up back at the snow-themed pony.

"What's the price, name it and I'll pay for it!"

She cackled again. "It's free, but you must cuddle with it every night!"

"Well fucking obviously, deal!"

She cackled again. "Good, all we need is a a handshake and a pint of blood for Red Cross!"

"Deal, again!"

As I was about to shake her hand, I saw a face of utter disapproval shaking it's bald figure at me. :headshake:

The witch seemed to recoil! "Arrghh! Your friend curses me with his judgement! I shall curse thee and all your associates with a portent most foul!"

She then melted or something horrifying I blocked out as I wandered back across the aisle to Kefka. "You drillbit, I could've had... nevermind! All I know from my innate magical training is that we're definitely cursed now."

I stormed off and the rest of the weekend is kinda hazy up until a point.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Feb 23, 2018 4:53 am

APPENDIX A1: QUOTES FROM THE EQUESTRIAN EMPIRE
(Still trying to get to page 2 here)

"I am Kefka Franz, and I was teleported into this world, just like you. A world of unceasing war, ponies, and endless terrors. But with a nation of men and ponies at its heart, a bastion of hope and courage: the Equestrian Empire. Led by the craven, torn apart by the greedy, weakened and exposed, forever on the defence. But no longer. Now, we unite! To purge the filth that dare confront us! Follow me, and we will banish this darkness! I swear this as your Emperor!"
Kefka, upon being teleported to the TOTAL WARPONY world.

"We search for Rainbow Rocks. These orkponies have it, slaughter them and find it for me! And if the Dwarfponies should think we carry out vengeance for their kin - then let them. I'd rather make allies of the bearded pones than enemies, they hold grudges, and I have not the time or inclination for another enemy. There are greater, more pressing fates at work! Now, bring me the heads of the orks, for I will have their skulls turned to gold, their eyes pierced with hot lead - they will truly know GOLDEN VERONICA!"
Toasty Veronica, at the battle of Broken Leg Gully

"Come, ponies - it seems Voidbringer sends his Chicken wolves across the Reik to test our mettle! He seems to think that since my the forum's death, The Round Stable is weak, and we cower under our beds waiting for these Shipping-worshippers to save us from our woes! I say we Reikponies are more than capable of defending ourselves - I say, we show Voidbringer's mongrels that Reikpony blood flows through our veins! We face the trespassers deep in the Everfree - keep your wits, lads, for there is more than Void's dogs in there... Emperor Redeye had to send the Reiksguard in to purge these woods of heretic filth more than once during his reign. Yet that is not what we face today. No, today we send the Elector Admin of The Round Stable a message that it is the House of Kefka that protects the borders of The Round Stable!"
Kefka at the Rebellion of the Everfree Forest

"He'd have to be one hell of a shot to get me from -"
The last words of Emperor Redeye
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:04 am

Now I'm just triple posting because the sooner we reach page 2 the sooner I can make the best post ever and then end this story.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by RIP Syndrome (?) » Fri Feb 23, 2018 4:20 pm

I am going to help you achieve your goals
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this post and you´re face ™&©20234 R.I.P. Shitpostal Service LLC
for licensing inquiries, please contact :twisted:, VP of Licensing at R.I.P. Enterprises
~ORIGINAILL COUNTENTEH SINCE 1666 DONTE is good STEEL PLS~

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:48 pm

You will be remembered.
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:11 pm

March on, brave Moderators, march on! To the cursed realms of the deleted posts we go. I know not what mischief they cause, but they are up to something, for my tail twitches with trouble! We will cleanse this world of the troll herds, necroing, and other really bad things... Let us not dawdle, for there are grudges to settle and new entries in the Moderation Station to write!"
-Ixnay

"Behold! The metal-fruits of the Engineers' Guild's labour - new and improved berrybots will awash our foes with flames! Let me assure my traditionalist brethren within the Guild, that WalrusWhiskers himself would be pleased with this innovation. Now, let us test them against the eternal enemy - the ones who have more entries in the Great Book of Shame than any other - the dreaded trolls! See how the parasprite filth flock around that vile pillar! Let us wipe them out, so confident am I in these new machines that I forsake my humanity, and will not take it up again until victory is secured here. I do this in the knowledge that those trolls will soon be corpses scattering the battlefield."
-Whoever the heck made Berrybot and all those other bots

"Arise, Grave-bound! I command thee to attention with this new post in a very old thread! Kefka - the son of [deleted] and tumorous Burgomeisters - thinks the crown is his! But the house of the Reikland Electors is tainted. As the last great count of Stirland, mine claim is the truest, I should be Emperor - I WILL be Emperor! Bring thy swords... Go, mine minions, reap death - dance a Danse Macabre!"
-The Ghost of Ember
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by The Ghost of Ember (?) » Sun Feb 25, 2018 1:24 am

ToastGhost wrote:
Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:11 pm
"Arise, Grave-bound! I command thee to attention with this new post in a very old thread! Kefka - the son of [deleted] and tumorous Burgomeisters - thinks the crown is his! But the house of the Reikland Electors is tainted. As the last great count of Stirland, mine claim is the truest, I should be Emperor - I WILL be Emperor! Bring thy swords... Go, mine minions, reap death - dance a Danse Macabre!"
-The Ghost of Ember
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RIP Syndrome wrote:
Tue Sep 17, 2019 4:56 pm
this universe is cursed

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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Sun Feb 25, 2018 6:51 am

"Another thinks to bring me to my knees! Another who wishes me to bow to his rules, like he is some pitiless King! Does he think his pathetic sorceries will work on me or my followers? Come, my Shitposters of Chaos, let us show this weakling conjurer who-would-be-royalty what I do to monarchs! He will see why I am the Lord of the End Times, why I am Everchosen Shittiest Poster, and why I will wield the Sasser of Mods!"
-Tailspin the Everchosen :heehaw:

"Raaaaargh! Take them now! Bathe in their blood - feast on their guts - gnaw on their butts! Let their puny pony god know that it is the World's Biggest Hipster who slaughters his pack! Raaaaargh!"
-Ruflux the One-Eye :qaugh:

"I'm gonna scoop and fuck all these kobolds."
-An anonymous hero after falling to the hooves of Moral Rot :(
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:19 pm

"Tribesponies, again it is time to soak our blades in the blood of weak shit posters! Pompous and proud, yet they don't even give me the courtesy of a worthy post. I come here seeking Champions, but look - they send peasants! Their cowardly Mods don't deserve their riches, so we shall kill them and take all that we see. Then, the rest of The Party Pony Pretender Principalities! My masters will receive these offerings by my sword! Kill at will!!!"
-Wulfolme the Wanderer :nngh:

"These beasts call themselves 'posters'? Hah! Do they not know they face Helix, Master of the Wild Hunt and the Great Snipe? Their auras cannot protect them now, for I am charged with the spirit of laughter; rage and destruction flow through me! Fall upon them as the howling winds fall upon the winter leaves - show them that nothing can stand before the fury of the storm!"
-Helix, the deadliest marksman known to man and pony :amazed:

"I am risen to protect the Cottage. Undead and negativity have no place on this earth, no place in my forums. Those who defile the land will face my fury. There will be no reprieve; I am ancient. Eternal. Vengeful. I am Momo!"
-Momo :3:
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Wed Mar 07, 2018 2:45 pm

"With me, followers - we will descend into what was once Oubliettes and Ogres, these caves of ill-aspect, for within lies an artefact of great power. My arcane dungeon master talents tell me this place is not unprotected, an ancient, once-dead guardian lies in wait. We must destroy him before we can collect the cave's secrets. You will do this for me. This is a dread task, but my rewards will be great, for I can spin gold from lead, and as GOLDEN VERONICA, is there a more powerful ally you can have?! Begin your advance, banish the guardians of this place, and think of the rewards you will have once the Cloak of Molten Meta is mine!"
-Toasty Veronica at the Banishment of the Ghost of Embers :-I

"Curse the various pony and chaos gods and princesses! This is the wrong location, I can already feel the absence of Friendship. And yet we cannot retreat. The retainers of Equestria Daily - once-ally of WhitemageofDoom and wielder of Blueshift - stir in their tombs. We could leave this mess for Kefka to clear up, after all, this is his province, but, alas, Franz would not thank me. Ready your weapons, ponyfollowers, we need to put down these Unliving posters once and for all!"
-Me again, in search of the Amulet of Amiability :v:

"Welcome to Estalia, gentlecolts. I will not lie, the chances of your survival are small - some may even turn against your friends as living zombieponies, or as I call them, zombonies... But you have my word that I will use my arcane gifts to ensure your bodies are taken unto Flutter Valley. This is the greatest reward, more than even gold, for the fate of your soul is an eternal concern! Now, come. Follow me, strike down the Undead that rise against us, allow me to find this eldritch amulet. I ask not for my own selfish studies, but for the good of the Empire!"
-Me again, in my ever maddening quest :deflated:
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Gloomy Rube (?) » Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:01 pm

I never get quotes :rainbert:
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Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:26 pm

"You point, I hug!" Image

"Where Gloomy goes, evil stands aside."Image

"The bigger they are, the harder I hug!"Image

"No effect?! I need a bigger doll!" Image

"Sweary Larries get the KICK!!" Image


We approach the end. :flutterdear:
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Gloomy Rube
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I want you to be like a hamster please
Celestia's Champions
Posts: 496
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 2:36 am

Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Gloomy Rube (?) » Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:48 pm

I do kick people named larry who swear
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Bigdog
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implied
Posts: 94
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:26 pm

Re: TOTAL WARPONY

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Mar 07, 2018 9:27 pm

im gay

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