RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Jun 26, 2019 2:38 pm

Hang in there, Madeline! You rock! :yay:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by RudeCyrus (?) » Tue Jul 02, 2019 12:28 am

I am so fucking sick of life. I feel numb and alone. I go to my job and do meaningless things and feel like a stranger despite working there for nearly 8 months. No one talks to me besides the usual courtesies. The stress builds up every day. I want to write but I can't get into the right frame of mind. I don't have a support network. On my days off I get to listen to my parents scream at each other. I wish I was someone else. I feel like an alien.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Jul 06, 2019 5:31 pm

I've been having constant anxiety issues all week, and it has kept me from making and scheduling my therapy appointments, so I don't have anyone to talk it through with. My family has been kind enough to kinda get me a job helping take care of my grandmother, but that's not exactly a stress free environment, either. Half the time she doesn't remember who I am or who I'm related to, and it's just kinda painful to watch someone's mind go like that.

My writing's slowed down, too. I've gotten positive responses to what I've posted, though the actual amount of feedback is next to none. I know I shouldn't be bothered by that, since the audience for original fiction online is pretty small, but the whole deal just kinda sucks. I just have to keep trudging through until I've built up a large enough work to actually try publishing it, I guess. It's just hard, and if I wasn't being propped up by my family, I would have starved on the street years ago.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Sat Jul 13, 2019 8:49 pm

I just spent over an hour and a half reading all of this massive Twitter thread. It starts with this question: "What's a dirty secret that everybody in your industry knows about but anyone outside of your line of work would be scandalized to hear?" The OP tells a story then she posts anonymized screenshots of stories that people messaged her, reaching out to well over 200 tweets.

It seems to me that virtually all the problems come down to greed and self-interest running rampant across virtually all industries and societies. The problem feels pervasive enough to where anyone who would seek to participate has to engage in the same same self-serving behavior. I want more than anything to make this world a better place, but when I see this and realize that if I ever want to get the power to make things better (especially in the tech industry) then I'll have to participate in a society that seems to reward the ruthless and inconsiderate the most.

Is it better to ultimately do some measure of good in this world even if it means compromising your morals in the process, or better to achieve nothing but cause no harm either? The latter seems like perpetuating the problem by inaction, but the former is directly perpetuating the problem. I don't want to do anything that benefits myself if it means it harms someone else, but when I look at this and see that it's practically a requirement, I feel horrible about participating at all.

Or am I just worrying too much?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Mon Jul 15, 2019 3:10 pm

That's something that I struggle with as well, but off the top of my head, you should keep in mind that such a twitter thread/aggregation is by definition selecting for horror stories. I'm sure you could throw out a "tell me about all the good you've done in your line of work" or "tell me about all the amazing people you've met in your industry" and get 200+ tweets also.

Yes, human beings in general have the potential to be shitty enough that, if you cast a line out into any category of human beings, you're going to come up with some garbage. It's like a variant on Sturgeon's Law, although fortunately the number of truly shitty human beings is much less than ninety percent. But the good news is that the same variance that gives us the worst in humanity also gives us the good. And that's not just a motivational poster, it's a reminder that you and plenty of other people have this nearly unbounded potential to do good.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Jul 17, 2019 2:29 pm

Do the best you can to do good with the resources you have and within the limitations of your situation.

Going to see the psychiatrist shortly. As usual, my meds keep being changed, and also as usual, they didn’t work right. Instead of having bad side effects, they worked for about a week, then stopped. Although that isn’t unusual for me with psych meds, either.

At the point where I’m starting to think psych meds are entirely useless to me again. I’m sick of being put on new shit every month and having it do:

A) nothing
B) make me sick
C) do the opposite of what they’re intended to do
D) combo of A & B
E) combo of B & C

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:56 pm

Bigdog wrote:
Mon Jul 15, 2019 3:10 pm
But the good news is that the same variance that gives us the worst in humanity also gives us the good. And that's not just a motivational poster, it's a reminder that you and plenty of other people have this nearly unbounded potential to do good.
Is there really that much potential, though? The more I learn, the more it feels like there's no hope and that we will destroy ourselves in our greed and ignorance (more like the 1% destroying the 99%, but I digress).

Maybe my perspective is skewed, though. I found that Twitter thread I mentioned earlier via this thread on SA, which I discovered recently and have been reading from the start for a few weeks now. I suppose what I'm doing is standing in front of a firehose of capitalism's excesses, getting blasted in the face and left feeling sad, angry, and hopeless. Yet despite that, I feel like there's maybe a useful purpose to it, that if I'm getting angry then that means I'm not being ignorant, and that the more I learn the more likely I am to find a way to make things better despite the way things are.

Am I being unreasonable? It occurred to me earlier today that maybe it's possible to stay aware of what's wrong without subjecting myself to it quite this harshly. I feel like I owe it to the world to make things better instead of using whatever scraps of privilege I have for my own comfort, but if I completely crush myself beneath the weight of the world then I'll never accomplish anything. To what degree is it acceptable to look away and think and act for myself?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sat Jul 20, 2019 1:41 am

Fizzbuzz wrote:
Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:56 pm
Is there really that much potential, though? The more I learn, the more it feels like there's no hope and that we will destroy ourselves in our greed and ignorance (more like the 1% destroying the 99%, but I digress).

Maybe my perspective is skewed, though. I found that Twitter thread I mentioned earlier via this thread on SA, which I discovered recently and have been reading from the start for a few weeks now. I suppose what I'm doing is standing in front of a firehose of capitalism's excesses, getting blasted in the face and left feeling sad, angry, and hopeless. Yet despite that, I feel like there's maybe a useful purpose to it, that if I'm getting angry then that means I'm not being ignorant, and that the more I learn the more likely I am to find a way to make things better despite the way things are.

Am I being unreasonable? It occurred to me earlier today that maybe it's possible to stay aware of what's wrong without subjecting myself to it quite this harshly. I feel like I owe it to the world to make things better instead of using whatever scraps of privilege I have for my own comfort, but if I completely crush myself beneath the weight of the world then I'll never accomplish anything. To what degree is it acceptable to look away and think and act for myself?
Two things. First, I think I understand the sort of mindset you're coming from—I have to talk myself down from something similar quite often—but you're laboring under a cognitive distortion that amplifies the negative and diminishes the positive. Make no mistake, the negative is present, serious, and hard to avoid, and bad things will continue to happen before it's all over. But "there's no hope" is absolutely a form of catastrophizing that is not borne out by the facts.

I'd like to recommend to you the book The Better Angels of our Nature, by Steven Pinker. Pinker is a somewhat, uh, divisive figure on some points, so hopefully you don't have an allergic reaction to his name, but the pertinent thing for our purposes is that he is an optimistic humanist and makes a rational, empirical case that things are better than you think and have the potential to get much better still.

Secondly, I agree with your last paragraph; it sounds like you definitely need to unplug a bit. Part of my self-care recently has taken the form of tuning out the day-to-day news as much as I can. This should not be confused with doing nothing—I'm still involved in service and outreach where I can, and I'm sure as hell gonna be active for the next year and a half (and beyond). But that's going to happen regardless of whether or not I'm torturing myself with the day-to-day. They say that if you're not outraged you're not paying attention, but the syllogism that you have to keep paying attention constantly in order to keep being motivated to action is a false one.

Log yourself out of Twitter on all your devices, just for starters.

Remember: Everything will be all right in the end; if it's not all right, it's not yet the end.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:54 pm

I had a pretty bad breakdown today, and my dad is fed up with things. He's not mad at me, mind you, but rather my mental health professionals for not making any headway in my treatment for years. From his point of view, I've only gotten worse since taking psychiatric medication, not better. Now he's inserting himself into my treatment process by insisting he come along to my next therapy appointment.

I'm all for involving him in stuff, but I'm worried he might tear things down or otherwise disrupt things without helping. I won't know for sure exactly what his plan of action here is until we go to the appointment together, and the whole deal is just making me nervous.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Aug 07, 2019 7:49 pm

The psychiatrist just not only laid the last straw on the camel’s back, he fucking added a bundle of straws onto its back by telling me he had assumed I was “low IQ” and “not really transgender.” The clinic refused to let me switch again, so fuck ‘em, I cancelled all of my appointments with those fuckers.

I’m so fucking pissed off by these and some of the other things he said. My doctor is looking for alternatives for me but I might be waiting a couple of months or more due to lack of openings. God fucking dammit, nothing ever works out right.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Aug 07, 2019 7:56 pm

Yeesh, that's a horrible thing for your psychiatrist to say. So sorry you have to go through that, Madeline.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by minty (?) » Wed Aug 07, 2019 10:17 pm

There's absolutely no reason to say such garbage. He can go to hell.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:42 pm

Is there someone you can report that to or file a complaint with because that seems like it should be professionally unacceptable behavior

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:01 am

When your doctor said "low IQ" did you call them a pseudoscientific dickhead before storming out of their office? 'Cuz that's some extreme bullshit you had to deal with there.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:42 am

Yeah if you can, file a complaint because that is 100% unprofessional, nasty and offensive to say. Like, what the hell, where did you go to school you dumb prick-levels. Seriously rooting for you that you can finally go to someone better sooner rather than later. You're valid and deserve actual, appropriate care, none of whatever the fuck that was.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 2:21 am

It took me a while to find the webform, but I reported him to the State Licensing Board with someone else’s help. Kind of dreading the follow-ups (questioning, etc.) that might occur. I’m still shocked that he would think that was okay to say to a patient (among other things he said and did).

I did at least finish the DBt course out with my therapist before breaking ties with this shitty clinic, so I guess that’s something. I never want to set foot in that building ever again if I can help it.

Edit: if you live in CO and need to file a complaint against someone, try here first. That’s where we went.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 3:06 am

Good that you were able to do that. Seriously fuck that guy.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 3:55 am

Glad you filed the complaints, Madeline. I second a hearty "fuck that guy".
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Snowfire (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 6:18 am

Perrydotto wrote:
Thu Aug 08, 2019 3:55 am
Glad you filed the complaints, Madeline. I second a hearty "fuck that guy".
Thirded. Hope he loses his license.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 8:19 am

That is some fucked up shit. Hope he gets his comeuppance.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by minty (?) » Thu Aug 08, 2019 6:01 pm

Good on reporting him. It's terrible you were treated this way, but maybe this way he can't treat anyone else like that.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:36 am

So, for the last month or so, I've been having some pretty bad nausea. My family doctor ordered a bunch of lab work to check for medical problems, but thankfully everything came back negative. This leaves two possibilities: 1) My nausea is a side effect of my psych meds, or 2) My nausea is a symptom of my anxiety disorder. Both of these suck, because I have no direct way to deal with them. My meds only get changed by my psychiatrist, who is so busy that you have to schedule appointments at least two months in advance. I have an appointment in a month, but no way to get in sooner. I guess I'll just have to tough it out.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Aug 16, 2019 11:42 am

Seroquel withdrawal suuuuuuuucks. Got headaches, insomnia, and bad nausea, and I was only taking a low dose (20 mg) for a few weeks up until late July. Less than two months on it. On the plus side, I already get regular headaches and insomnia so I can deal. Just wish I could bring myself to eat more (a sentence I never thought I’d write).

Upsides: my cognitive functioning has seriously improved, my mood is more stable (not less), I can walk in a straight line, and I’m not constantly angry. I’ll take the migraines and bad sleep for a better overall quality of life.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Aug 21, 2019 3:44 am

The earliest possible slots I can get anywhere new are well after my current supply of meds runs out. Trying to taper but withdrawal is a hell of a thing.

Not gonna lie, I’m strongly considering just going back through the DBT book and doing exercises on my own instead. I’ve been through the course properly once, and I know many people do it more than once with guidance, but I’m tired of all this extra bullshit (searching, hoping the practitioner won’t be shit, scheduling, etc).

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:27 am

Madeline, if you just need to get meds continued, can you go somewhere else like an urgent care center? I just helped a friend do that with their psych meds, but I don't know what the options are like in your area.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Octavia (?) » Thu Aug 22, 2019 4:35 pm

In the two months since starting up therapy again for anxiety, my blood pressure has dropped from 150/90 to 119/77. :yay:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Aug 23, 2019 4:47 am

diribigal wrote:
Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:27 am
Madeline, if you just need to get meds continued, can you go somewhere else like an urgent care center? I just helped a friend do that with their psych meds, but I don't know what the options are like in your area.
I tried this, but they said they couldn’t fill anything without a note from my (ex) psychiatrist. I did get an extra month’s supply of Celexa by requesting it from Walgreens, of all things, so maybe I can cut them in half and make it last until I finally get an appointment.

But thank you for suggesting it!

It looks like I won’t be seeing anyone until November, so I’m doing a lot of mindfulness exercises to try to combat my anxiety.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Mon Aug 26, 2019 5:17 pm

Today's the first day of my current semester. I'm not worried specifically about it or the classes I'll be taking, though.

What is and has been worrying me is knowing that, assuming I pass all my classes this semester, that'll be it. I will have graduated and it'll be time for me to go out in the "real world" and find a job. Yesterday was the last day of the last summer break I'll ever have, these are the last classes I'll ever have, then I'll get a fancy piece of paper saying I know something about computers and I'll have to go apply it.

How do I know if I'll be able to make it? I don't know for certain what to expect (though one of my classes this semester is dedicated to professionalism and work experience, at least), but I feel like whatever I do, I'll have to be even more responsible for myself than I ever have been in my life. I don't know if I'm going to succeed and I'm terrified knowing that I won't really have anything to fall back on if I do really mess up.

If all goes well, I'll be graduating in December. I know the end can't be avoided, but it's what I know and I don't want to lose it.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Sep 04, 2019 2:34 am

I've been so miserable for the last two months? Three months? now. My physical health has been awful, with steadily worsening nausea that's keeping me from eating properly and causing me to throw up at least twice a week. Of course, none of that by itself belongs in RUSP, but it's been hell on my mental health, too. I haven't been productive in weeks. I can't even do my job of taking care of my Grandma, since my family doesn't want me around her when I'm so sick. My anxiety is spiking when I'm particularly nauseous, which only gets worse the more trouble I cause for my family.

My doctor can't find anything physically wrong with me. All the tests he's done have come back negative. I'd almost rather it be something particularly awful as opposed to, like, an anxiety symptom or something. At least then I'd be dealing with a known quantity with a real plan of action. As things stand I can't do anything about anything as I steadily get worse.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 04, 2019 5:52 pm

Made it a whole year before I started wanting to die again

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Sep 06, 2019 1:54 am

Madeline wrote:
Wed Sep 04, 2019 5:52 pm
Made it a whole year before I started wanting to die again
That's something to be proud of! Any improvement over time should be celebrated! Stay safe, and know you're getting better, slowly but surely! :flutterunsmith:

---

Got a referral to a gastroenterologist today, but I couldn't get an appointment until the 24th. I'm going to have to tough this out for weeks before I get any answers, if there even are any to be had. I now, more than ever, understand the plight of the chronically ill and just how much American healthcare sucks. How do people hold up like this for years? I can barely handle a few months.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Sep 06, 2019 10:18 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Fri Sep 06, 2019 1:54 am
That's something to be proud of! Any improvement over time should be celebrated! Stay safe, and know you're getting better, slowly but surely! :flutterunsmith:

---

Got a referral to a gastroenterologist today, but I couldn't get an appointment until the 24th. I'm going to have to tough this out for weeks before I get any answers, if there even are any to be had. I now, more than ever, understand the plight of the chronically ill and just how much American healthcare sucks. How do people hold up like this for years? I can barely handle a few months.
Thanks :flutterunsmith: And dealing the the health care system in this country does indeed suck. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that, and I hope you can get some answers. :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Sep 08, 2019 1:39 am

The medication my doctor prescribed me for me nausea did nothing for me. Out of options, I went to the hospital today. They checked me out, gave me a different medication (which also doesn't seem to work, though I need to wait until tomorrow until I can pick it up properly from the pharmacy), and sent me on my way, since nothing abnormal came back in my lab work. I just don't know what to do at this point. Lay in bed all day and hope to feel well enough to maybe eat one small meal a day? That's the best I've got.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Octavia (?) » Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:54 pm

Good News: The combination of therapy, escitalopram, and giving up caffeine over the past 6 weeks has really helped keep my anxiety in check. I've been getting more good nights of sleep than bad for the first time in ages. :yay:

Bad News: I'm about 20 lbs over what I should weigh, but despite staying on a strict 1400-calories-per-day diet and playing hockey for 4.5 hours a week, I've only been able to drop one measly pound over the last 2 weeks. Normally that regimen makes me lose 2-3 per week until I get down to about 5 lbs above where I should be. I think the escitalopram is making it harder for me to shed those excess pounds. :unenthused:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by ToastGhost (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:47 pm

Yeah, meds will do that at times, I remember I gained about 20 pounds on Lexapro and then another goddamn 50 on whatever horrible thing they switched me to. :bluh:

But uh, reason I'm here is because I've been having some mental difficulties, and after talking it out with the family we decided I should probably check into the hospital tomorrow. I've been putting it off for... too long, just because my last hospital stay ended up setting me back so far. :fluttersmith: I'm hoping and imagining this time will be better. Should be a better hospital with a better psychiatric ward. Maybe I'll get some deep brain stimulation or ketamine this time around. That'd be nice.

Hope y'all feel better too. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:58 pm

Hugs for you, Toasty. I hope it goes well.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Octavia (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 8:58 pm

I hope you get the help you need, Toast. It's great that you're taking steps towards recovery. :flutterunsmith:
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diribigal
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:01 pm

Rootin' for ya, Toast Ghost
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:15 pm

ToastGhost wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:47 pm
Yeah, meds will do that at times, I remember I gained about 20 pounds on Lexapro and then another goddamn 50 on whatever horrible thing they switched me to. :bluh:

But uh, reason I'm here is because I've been having some mental difficulties, and after talking it out with the family we decided I should probably check into the hospital tomorrow. I've been putting it off for... too long, just because my last hospital stay ended up setting me back so far. :fluttersmith: I'm hoping and imagining this time will be better. Should be a better hospital with a better psychiatric ward. Maybe I'll get some deep brain stimulation or ketamine this time around. That'd be nice.

Hope y'all feel better too. :flutterunsmith:
Good luck, Toasty :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:17 pm

Good luck, Toast :flutterunsmith:

Sometimes you just need more help, and there's no shame in reaching for it.

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On my end, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm so isolated and sick right now and I can't do a damn thing about it. If I'm lucky I'll feel well enough tomorrow to drag myself out of bed and go see my therapist. Had to cancel last week, which probably is contributing to all this.
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