Dear Toast, the Ghost with the Most,
I think your sense of shame about your fetish is causing you to self-isolate and heightening the obsessive feelings you're experiencing because you don't have a healthy safety valve. Posting this thread was an attempt to just be able to talk about things
, but it was never going to work exactly because you felt you couldn't. And really, TRS isn't the place. But that doesn't mean there aren't places.
I think you could reduce your suffering quite a lot and be happier if you treated your situation as a three-part issue:
1) You have a fetish that it's difficult to talk about.
2) You feel obsessive about this fetish.
3) You are generally depressed because you feel isolated by the above.
Step one: Find a professional therapist for parts 2 and 3. You deserve to feel not-shitty, and therapy is a good way to accomplish that for tough problems.
Step two: Find a community where you *can* talk about your fetish. TRS is not that place but there are so many other places that might work. Now, I have no freaking idea about specifics re: where to go, but there are all sorts of furry subcommunities, and I'm pretty sure you're a furry, so I'm sure one of them would have some like-minded fetishists you could talk to as a sort of support group and healthy relief valve! Or if you just can't get away from the sexually charged nature or doing so within the furry fandom doesn't feel right, you could explore a more explicit community like FetLife.
Step three: Be kind to yourself. There are always walls we put up and contexts where things are inappropriate, even between friends, but... that's okay. Your friends don't need to have full knowledge of your recreational junk proclivities to be your friends. And "weird" doesn't mean "bad." Don't let your distress make you harm yourself further and unnecessarily with performative self-flagellation and self-enforced solitude.
I mean, unless that's your thing, in which case always remember: "Safe, sane, and consensual."
There is no guarantee that the wizard selling you that bag full of magic sand is wearing pants underneath his robes.