RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Madeline
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Dec 15, 2020 3:20 pm

Edit: It was a technical problem and I got to have my session. I’ll be seeing her twice a week from now on, one day on trauma and the other about gender.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 23, 2020 7:50 am

New therapist pulled the same “being pro-Trump is just a different opinion” and low IQ horseshit that that one psychiatrist did, so instead of waiting around in dread and misery for a year before dealing with it, I cancelled all of my upcoming appointments, told her boss I don’t want to work with her and why, and I’m just going to learn to do meditation properly, read up on whatever clinical materialsI can get on my conditions and how to properly deal with them, and just give up on HRT for good because everyone is dead set against writing a letter for me and I’m tired of ramming my head into bureaucratic walls after 10 years of this fucking bullshit.

Nobody thinks I should have it? Fine, I’ll go without. I’ll already have to go without meaningful relationships because I’m codependent as fuck and now have that to deal with on top of everything else, what’s going without a bunch of prescriptions when nobody respects my identity anyway. I’m so fucking tired.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 30, 2020 2:13 am

having another breakdown because at this point I’ve lost all hope that anyone can actually help me or that I can actually do the work to change

I’m a lost cause, forget you ever knew me, I don’t think it will be hard, I’m just another disembodied text voice and this place is fucking dead anyway

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Dec 30, 2020 2:55 am

I'm not gonna forget you. You're a good woman, Madeline.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Sage (?) » Mon Jan 04, 2021 9:11 pm

Recently, I've been drawing more. My goal was to get to 90 completed pieces in my drawing folder and I'm currently at 93 or 94? Only took me 5 years to do. I want to draw more this year since I maybe did 1-3 pieces per every other month last year. I still panic when I draw too much of someone's body, can't draw full body without having a mild meltdown but I'm getting there.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Jan 11, 2021 10:56 pm

I wish there was a place where I could go where I felt like I belonged, but there isn’t one. At this point I think I’m done with communities and other people. It’s just not worth it to me to struggle and struggle and try so hard to make friends and fail over and over again because I get scared too easily.

I’m sorry for wasting so many people’s time and energy over the last lifetime.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Tue Jan 12, 2021 8:59 am

Madeline wrote:
Mon Jan 11, 2021 10:56 pm
I wish there was a place where I could go where I felt like I belonged, but there isn’t one.
I'm sorry you don't feel like you belong here, especially as a lot of people, myself included, appreciate your presence. But if you feel that leaving would be best for you, I wish you well.

Even if you need to step away from online communities for a bit, the wording of your last sentence (originally, if you edit) makes me concerned for your safety. I don't feel that you have wasted my time or energy, and I imagine many others feel the same way as I do. I really do wish you well and even if I don't get to interact with you again here, I hope others get that privilege in the future when you're ready.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:38 pm

I’m sorry, I just think I’m beyond help. The whole last decade was me trying and failing multiple times to get out of this house because I’m too weak to confront my parents. I’ve failed like 12 times now with therapy and I’m right back where I started, with no means to attain financial self-sufficiency and with unchecked mental illness. People don’t know what to say so they avoid me and leave me feeling more isolated than ever, when I don’t push them away so I won’t hurt them.

I’m a lost cause

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Jan 13, 2021 8:53 am

Madeline wrote:
Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:38 pm
I’m right back where I started
It sounded like you just found a new therapist about a month ago.

If a problem/interruption came up with that, you can vent in Pony Joe's or ask for help...well, we don't have a dedicate asking for help thread in this iteration of the forums, but either here or there is probably fine.

But if that's still able to continue, I'd encourage you to give that relationship more time to grow and help you.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Wed Jan 13, 2021 5:22 pm

Madeline wrote:
Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:38 pm
I’m sorry, I just think I’m beyond help.
Are you sure about that? It's taken me over a decade to where I only just (like, as of yesterday) feel like I'm actually starting to be a functioning adult for once, and that was with a lot of help from friends who saw in me what I couldn't see in myself. Your troubles could very well be blinding you, too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:20 am

diribigal wrote:
Wed Jan 13, 2021 8:53 am
It sounded like you just found a new therapist about a month ago.

If a problem/interruption came up with that, you can vent in Pony Joe's or ask for help...well, we don't have a dedicate asking for help thread in this iteration of the forums, but either here or there is probably fine.

But if that's still able to continue, I'd encourage you to give that relationship more time to grow and help you.
It’s already over because the therapist decided that I was being catfished by my ex because she helped me get a phone so I could get telehealth therapy the first place; doubted my own gender feelings because I had stubble; and told me that all the MAGA stuff is “just a different opinion” (which, well, if you don’t know what a fucking fascist coup looks like or won’t condemn it, I’m not going to speak to you). Second time I’ve heard that line from a therapist. Also what kind of trans-femme-patient-treating therapist doesn’t expect to see some 5 o’clock shadow occasionally on a telehealth appointment that occurred right before 5 PM? It’s not like I’m going to shave twice a day, I need new blades as it is but I won’t be able to get them until I get the stimulus. (Which was supposed to be mailed to me last week but at this point I feel like I’ll be lucky to even get it, considering it was mailed on the day of the insurrection.) The catfishing thing was so offensive to me, “how do you know she lives in [X] country,” um, because I literally got a package from her from that country once (in a Secret Celestia no less, so uh it would be an incredible catfish to somehow manage to be anonymously assigned to me to give me gifts just to string me along, I’m paranoid and even I’m not *that* paranoid.) “Oh, you’re neurodiverse so you completely lack the ability to tell when you’re being lied to.” Not after being lied to a million times by members of my immediate and extended family. Just, fuck, I was so upset.

I emailed the clinic about it and they were sympathetic and offered me the chance to see one of the other people, but I let it lay for a bit (a couple of weeks? I’m not even sure what time means anymore) and they haven’t gotten back to me yet, so I’m assuming I have to restart the process, again, for the nth time.
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Wed Jan 13, 2021 5:22 pm

Are you sure about that? It's taken me over a decade to where I only just (like, as of yesterday) feel like I'm actually starting to be a functioning adult for once, and that was with a lot of help from friends who saw in me what I couldn't see in myself. Your troubles could very well be blinding you, too.
I don’t know, and I mean that literally. I have no idea. I wanted to be free from this before I was 30 but I kept getting fired or quit from shitty jobs that never lasted for more than a couple of months. The gaps in my resume are bigger than my entire work history and college put together. My own psychiatrist is like “no, you’re not ready to try [X],” whether X is a relationship or spending more than 40 minutes around people I don’t know, and that’s without the quarantine I’m doing until I can get vaccinated.

She might be right, too, I dread having any kind of appointment over my head to the point where it costs me sleep every day, even ones that only happen 4 times a year. I’m already nervous about recertifying my student loan payment plan in March even though the process takes maybe 10 minutes.

Even now when I’m not catastrophizing like I was the other day I feel like I would be dishonest to give a yes or a no. I know I have a ton of negative cognitions so in that sense you’re right, but I keep running into new things that I don’t know how to do or how to handle and that’s without adding on all the terrifying bullshit that’s going on in the world. Blocking every news site/forum/thread doesn’t help, I’m still aware of it because I hear about it from other people.

I started out in 2017 thinking I was going to fight and finally have some kind of a job (even if the search was hard) and feeling fired up, and now 4 years later I feel like a beaten up old mule, I’m constantly having serious crisis episodes every other week, I can’t go to a hospital even voluntarily because there are no beds here and the virus hasn’t hit its new peak yet, just everything seems terrible and I feel weak and hopeless and doomed.

I feel like an ass for being all “oh hey if I can fall into a relationship anyone can!!” like a patronizing doofus and then immediately having things go bad because I have about 8 million more triggers from abuse than I thought I did. Which isn’t my fault, but even on the rare occasions when something good seems like it’s about to happen, it goes wrong, and that’s happened so many times that I feel like trying to be optimistic or positive is just setting myself up to be punched back down. I feel like maybe I’m pompous or so oblivious that I sound pompous, that writing anonymous love letters in 8th grade makes me a creep now because I did something creepy at 14, it feels like some new thing pops up in my head every day to make me flashback just because the goddamn news (which is unrelated to me!) won’t stop.

Like what can I do other than look for help again? I’m doing that so what else is there? I can’t seal myself off from the world and it would be dangerous to do it right now, even if my mental health might temporarily benefit, my physical health might not, based on the makeup of my neighborhood and how many Gadsden flags there are here.

Sorry, I just feel so hopeless. This is like living through 1968 or 1939 or 1861 or some shit. I have never seen anything like this.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Fri Jan 15, 2021 5:00 am

Madeline wrote:
Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:20 am
I don’t know, and I mean that literally. I have no idea. [...]
And that's fine if you don't, as long as you recognize the possibility. I know I'm certainly not certain about all the answers in life, not certain if I'll ever "make it." Acknowledging that makes it easier for me to face my worst fears, the thoughts that tell me I will never succeed in life and will amount to nothing, and tell myself that I could very well be wrong about that. Maybe keeping that in mind could help you, too.

I'm glad you're also acknowledging the pandemic we're in. For a year now we've all been in the worst conditions in over a century, in a situation virtually no one has any memory of. In tough times like these, when we have to completely change our way of life, I feel our expectations and standards must change along with them. To expect the very same of ourselves as in good times would just bring woe.
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