Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:05 pm

Laredo, Texas.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:15 pm

Yuudachi wrote:
Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:05 pm
Laredo, Texas.
*nod* I quickly ran it through churchfinder.com to check and yeah, there aren't any UCC anywhere near you, unfortunately. The UCC's own map shows that entire southwest flank of the state as a dead zone; it's really weird. There is an Episcopalian church, which is one of the better bets as far as denominations go. https://www.churchfinder.com/churches/t ... -episcopal

Not sure what else to tell you. :(

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:30 pm

Thanks for trying.

I did go to a church today, for the first time in many years... it felt nice, but I couldn't help but to sideeye a Ronald Reagan poster/quote, and a lot of american flags.


Reading about that Episcopal church and checking the main episcopal church being lgbt friendly, although admitting not all churches are at the same page yet, but is still a journey fills me with some hope.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:36 pm

Yeah I would nope the hell out of any church that had a Ronald Reagan poster, all else being equal.

Even though Reagan Republicans don't seem that bad anymore (and in fact are now frequently ex-Republicans).

But I digress.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by stonecutter (?) » Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:16 pm

Bigdog wrote:
Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:15 pm
*nod* I quickly ran it through churchfinder.com to check and yeah, there aren't any UCC anywhere near you, unfortunately. The UCC's own map shows that entire southwest flank of the state as a dead zone; it's really weird. There is an Episcopalian church, which is one of the better bets as far as denominations go. https://www.churchfinder.com/churches/t ... -episcopal

Not sure what else to tell you. :(
That church is two blocks from my home. Don't know much about it, though. I'm not a churchgoer.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Mon Oct 14, 2019 11:15 pm

So... my mom's prognosis is really bad at this point. The growth in her pancreas has caused a blockage on the bile ducts -- if not addressed, she will have a liver failure within 2 months tops, then there's the tumor itself.

She's been basically been given 3 options
- an endoscopy to try and clear the blockage. least invasive, but the might not be able to clear it
- a surgery to clear the blockage. will clear the blockage for sure, but she's already hurting from the biopsy surgery
-- both options don't address the tumor at all though and will likely end in metastasized cancer and death within a year or two
- a major surgery called the Whipple procedure (https://www.webmd.com/cancer/pancreatic ... rocedure#1). long term survival is low; heck, even surviving the surgery can be considered a feat, but likely best chance to survive more than 2 years, if she beats the initial odds.

also, this is gonna be costing me between 15 and 30 grand for out of pocket expenses... and she has to decide basically by next weekend how she wants to proceed.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Oct 14, 2019 11:46 pm

Oh Jesus. I am so sorry, Yuudachi.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Tue Oct 15, 2019 8:30 am

Oh God, how does my heart hurts... how I wish it would stop beating so I could find peace.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Tue Oct 15, 2019 11:54 am

Oh God, now I'm being attacked by my brain -- filling me with thoughts of me being a fake...

Am I doing performative suffering? Do I just want headpats for saying things that make me look like a dutiful son?
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Oct 15, 2019 1:58 pm

The answer is most likely no, given these questions haunt you. You're a good son.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Oct 15, 2019 2:17 pm

You are caring. That is right and normal. Grief is tough on anyone, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

That being said, when you feel the grief overwhelming you and you are fantasizing about dying/suicide, please talk to someone. You should find emotional support in general, so grief support groups in your area and therapy are worth a consideration when you can find the time and energy. Now especially you deserve help and care on your side, because life has given your family a really tough burden, one that nobody should ever shoulder alone.

For more immediate crisis, please reach out to places such as https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. Things are very hard, and no words can magically fix that pain, but people care about you and being able to talk about it in places like the Cottage and with professionals will help.

Rooting for you with all my heart.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Tue Oct 15, 2019 6:56 pm

I don't feel like actively committing suicide -- I just want the strength to see my mom's illness through whichever way it ends, after that if my body were to give out... I'd be ok with that.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Oct 16, 2019 10:08 am

Yuudachi wrote:
Tue Oct 15, 2019 6:56 pm
I don't feel like actively committing suicide -- I just want the strength to see my mom's illness through whichever way it ends, after that if my body were to give out... I'd be ok with that.
That is still ideation of death. I'm not here to tell you what to do but from my own experiences with these kinda feelings, you should definitely take it seriously. For the rest, see what I already posted.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:08 am

The... last glimmer of hope we had is gone... the whipple procedure, the very radical and dangerous surgery, is now off the table after it was found out today that she now presents metastatic lesions in the liver... we're basically entering the phase of palliative care for my mom...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:37 am

I am so sorry to hear that :fluttersmith:

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:41 am

I’m so sorry.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by PonyHag714 (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:54 am

Very sorry to hear it. :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 2:02 am

God, I am so sorry.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Demeh (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 10:07 am

I am so sorry to hear that, Yuu. My best wishes to you, your mom, and your family.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:30 pm

I'm so sorry, Yuu. Sending you all the energy and strength for the coming days. Don't be alone.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:09 pm

Thanks guys. It means a lot.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Snowfire (?) » Fri Oct 18, 2019 8:10 pm

Sorry Yuu. :fluttersmith:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sat Oct 19, 2019 3:00 am

Basically just echoing what everyone else said. I'm so sorry and I'll be holding you in my thoughts and heart when I can. :cry:

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sat Oct 19, 2019 10:03 pm

thank you all. i spent the afternoon with my mom... i was sitting on the floor next to her bed... she placed her hand on my head and stroke my hair... and i tried my hardest not to audibly cry, even as tears streamed down my cheeks...

i always knew i’d lose her eventually... i just never wanted it to be to cancer...

was that too much to ask?
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Octavia (?) » Sun Oct 20, 2019 6:49 am

I've lost 3 family members to cancer and have one that beat cancer. Fuck cancer.

So sorry you and your mom have to go through this. :cry:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Oct 20, 2019 5:23 pm

i went to church today... i went to two churches actually!

for the morning service, I went to the one I went to last week, where my cousin goes... oh boy, i wanted to nope out of that place half thru the service.

turns out the pastor is big on eschatology, rapture, lied about how NYC kills newborns by aborting them post-partum and said how democrats and lgbtq people cheer on this as a big party.

the 2nd church was much better, a friend invited me to join her... i enjoyed the more muted and organized feel of the methodist church over the previous non-denominational church quite a lot. after the service, my friend and I stayed behind to basically catch up on all that's been going on with my mom, and the pastor, a really nice lady, joined in as well... it felt good to get it out of my chest, moreover, when I talked about the kind of woman my mom is, I always sounded full of pride...

I hope my mom is proud of me...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:10 pm

When you run into a friend who is likely in a worse situation than you are and you're trying to help and hold them together, while you yourself are trying not to fall apart...

:cry:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sat Oct 26, 2019 9:08 pm

my mom has started the “in constant pain” phase... :cry:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sun Oct 27, 2019 12:07 am

Oh no. I´m so sorry. Hang in there. :hug:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Oct 27, 2019 2:05 am

My thoughts are with your mother and you, as much as that can help.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Oct 27, 2019 8:14 am

Thanks. Just knowing someone cares helps a lot.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Oct 27, 2019 8:20 am

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Oct 27, 2019 3:42 pm

I've been going to church -- I want to fit in, but I don't know if I can, which kinda messes me up.

I'm not sure if I can be a believer, but of course, today's sermon (at a different church from the one that said gay people celebrate in the streets that abortions can be performed post-partum in NYC) was about how the devil seeds doubt in people to keep them away from god/the church -- I've always approached religious texts from a historical/academic perspective, so it's hard to take in the lessons knowing how the books of the bible were actually written or specific translation quirks that make quite a difference going from a direct translation from hebrew/arameic/greek to something like the KJV, the HCSB or even something like RV.

If anything, I'm going for the benefit of my mom and my family... see if that reduces her anguish... you know?
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Sailor Yue (?) » Tue Oct 29, 2019 12:33 am

Our door knob broke. Like it got so cold the handle snapped, effectively trapping us inside. Pics here:



And I don't get paid till Friday so..... Yay either trapped inside all night or no way to open the door. I was due for some bad luck, luckily this one isn't a "cost me everything" one.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Tue Oct 29, 2019 11:19 pm

Ugh... A friend of my mom has started to call me and basically armchair quarterback my mom's care -- like if I had not thought of all the things he has said so far and had certain doors closed to us already.

I know he means well, but he's just making me feel worse...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Oct 30, 2019 7:40 pm

Welp. Just found out that, while driving on a rental car last week, I got cited for speeding, likely through those camera things on the highway. :-I

"Only" $20, but still super annoying :bluh:

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Wed Oct 30, 2019 7:40 pm

Ugh... I want to run away and hide under a rock.

I also wish euthanasia was an option...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Thu Oct 31, 2019 11:07 am

Last night was really rough for everyone in the family. Doing better now, but still feel exhausted...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Demeh (?) » Thu Oct 31, 2019 6:40 pm

Man, Yuu, I hope things are going to get better very soon.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Thu Oct 31, 2019 9:02 pm

Me too. I'm sorry. Holding you in my thoughts right now. :(

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