Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Fri Nov 01, 2019 8:38 am

I didn't need this gutpunch, NYT...

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/28/dini ... grief.html


But that said, I wish there was a local support group like the one they mention exists in Chicago.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Fri Nov 01, 2019 4:52 pm

It's super hard to deal with a parent that has no patience in a treatment that would improve their quality of life and right away wants to quit. We are all aware the idea is to make her as comfortable as possible, but she literally wants to waste herself away ASAP...

We're trying to make her body stronger while also improving pain management... but she's trying her hardest to shut herself off from the world, stop eating and such... the doctor literally had her hooked to a saline solution because she was not drinking enough, and she wanted it unhooked when it still had a third left...

It's super hard on us because everyone is trying to be positive in making her comfortable, which includes proper hydration and nourishment and she wants to forgo all that...

so we feel like we're being sucked in by a black hole... which is unfair on my mom, but it's also how things actually are.

we literally had a heart to heart talk two days ago on how she needed to put something of her part to improve her last days and in less than 24 hrs, that was out of the window... so yeah...

really rough days for my family...

I seek respite, happiness, distraction... heck, a small measure of peace...

I've been told I'm being selfish for thinking like this... And I feel like a coward for wanting to run away due to this... Maybe this is all true...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:18 pm

I don't think you need to beat yourself up as "selfish" over it, but... and I really apologize if this isn't the best way to phrase it, but here goes...

Your mother is the one who's dying. It's obviously affecting all of you tremendously, but fundamentally, it's her prerogative to decide how she wants to go.

Now, is it possible that she could be doing it for (mentally) unhealthy reasons? Sure. She might be depressed (Lord knows it's enough to depress someone), and it's possible that with a properly presented alternative perspective on it, she could be convinced to change course. If there's any sort of terminal illness counseling that people can get, maybe talking through it with someone like that would help.

But right now, taking everything at face value and assuming until shown otherwise that her agency is intact and undistorted, it sounds like she's saying 'I would like to die in X way' and everyone else saying 'no, you need to die in Y way'. Which... isn't great. You say it's about making her comfortable and improving her last days. But is gainsaying her wishes going to make her actually comfortable; is it going to improve things? Do you have any reason to believe that she actually wants to be uncomfortable, and if not, why isn't it reasonable to assume that she is in fact asking for the approach that will bring her the greatest net comfort?

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:43 pm

It’s one of the reasons why I wish Euthanasia was an option — if she wanted that, I’d support her.

Instead, it feels like she’s choosing to kill herself by denying herself water and food.

Edit: wonder if the reason I’m lashing out is because I don’t know how to process grief properly
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Fri Nov 01, 2019 11:19 pm

Yuudachi wrote:
Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:43 pm
Edit: wonder if the reason I’m lashing out is because I don’t know how to process grief properly
I'm not a psychologist, just a layperson with some relevant life experiences and absorbed knowledge. But it might well be, yeah. If so, it's not your fault. But neither is it your mother's.

Richard Rohr wrote—possibly drawing on others before him; I don't have the citation handy—that suffering is when we're not in control, especially when we have trouble accepting or processing it.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sat Nov 02, 2019 1:09 pm

Yuudachi wrote:
Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:43 pm
Instead, it feels like she’s choosing to kill herself by denying herself water and food.
After thinking it over here, I wanted to follow up a bit more with this--

Let's say there are at least two possibilities here, very broadly speaking.

1) "I feel hopeless and have given up; I want to die faster and, since proper euthanasia is not an option, I've chosen to starve/dehydrate myself to death."

2) "I do not feel like taking in food/water and it would not make me happier to force myself to do so just in order to prolong my life."

#1 is the case where I'd say that counseling, etc. would be appropriate to help deal with cognitive distortions/depression. #2 would feel more like a case where it's a legitimate wish that needs to be respected as a matter of personal autonomy.

How would you be able to discern between the two, based on your interactions with your mother?

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sat Nov 02, 2019 3:02 pm

i'm not sure, tbh, but she has deteriorated so much so quickly because of her refusal to drink/eat that she’s barely mobile any more...

but i know this... she’s prone to crippling depression, so my money is in #1, but in her condition, she cannot go out to get counseling
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sun Nov 03, 2019 1:38 am

Is there anyone who can make house visits? I know I'm grasping at straws here. Or maybe someone you can go to who could give you professional advice for helping her?

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Nov 03, 2019 8:04 am

I'm trying to do chores around the house... vacuuming, mopping... and I'm like... why should I even bother...

Edit: I'm sorry -- I think I'm becoming toxic... I think I'll stop posting...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sun Nov 03, 2019 10:25 pm

Please don't stop posting when you need to ask for help, or just need to vent. That's what we're here for.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Mon Nov 04, 2019 6:56 am

My mom had a crisis and likely a stroke. She is trying to speak but we cannot understand her. She likely has days left...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Skipper (?) » Mon Nov 04, 2019 7:19 am

I am so, so sorry to hear that.

Your mom and you are in my thoughts.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by PonyHag714 (?) » Mon Nov 04, 2019 10:20 am

Very sorry to hear that. Image
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Mon Nov 04, 2019 11:26 am

Whoever said the 5 stages of grief are linear is a bullshitter. I find myself jumping from acceptance to anger — furthermore, there is a 6th stage: learning how to do the things you used to do with the person you are losing by yourself: cooking, cleaning, shopping, living...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Mon Nov 04, 2019 12:04 pm

I just don’t want to see her suffering any more
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Quanta (?) » Mon Nov 04, 2019 12:51 pm

The stages aren't linear, they can happen in any order. Sucks you're having a rough time. My condolences. :(
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Mon Nov 04, 2019 6:35 pm

because I'm the backup blood donor, I am off my meds
the only food I've had in the last 24 hours is an apple
barely any sleep in the last 36 hrs...
and the worst part... i know my mom is doing worse than I am

i want to break myself against the waves of the ocean...

i've tried to sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I see my mom's expression of pain and frustration in trying to articulate something and failing as she cannot talk any more...

i'm highly impressionable -- i can recall every animal i've seen get hurt on the road, cats, dogs, deer... lying on the road, twitching, hurting, dying...

every image is burnt into my mind... so all my brain does is replay my mom's face as she tries to say something... her anguished eyes... her shortness of breath... the cold sweat on her forehead... the strange musk that covers her body, likely a byproduct of the disease...

how can I sleep when my brain assaults me like that? and I don't even have the benefit of meds to try to numb that down...

if I could take temazepams in bulk so as to be knocked out cold for a week, I feel like I would...

every coping mechanism, as broken as they are, are being taken away from me...

i have to be off my anxiety meds...
in order to be functional and reduce my anxiety, I have to plan things ahead... and like helmuth von moltke said, no plan survives first contact...

i had literally planned this week to give my cousin a shared power of attorney over my mom, her accounts and such... but with my mom in this condition, we cannot proceed down that road... at least not in a way my mom can sign consent.

also, i lost my mom's pin numbers for her several accounts, so we're locked out of her accounts...

everything is going down the drain... myself included.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Tue Nov 05, 2019 8:13 pm

Yuudachi wrote:
Mon Nov 04, 2019 6:35 pm
because I'm the backup blood donor, I am off my meds
the only food I've had in the last 24 hours is an apple
Being underfed is bad if you might need to donate blood. I can understand why you might not have much of an appetite, but if you've decided to go off your meds, you can decide to eat.

i had literally planned this week to give my cousin a shared power of attorney over my mom, her accounts and such... but with my mom in this condition, we cannot proceed down that road... at least not in a way my mom can sign consent.
Have you talked to the attorney or whoever was going to help you (I'm assuming you have some sort of legal advice) about how to proceed? Having to transfer/share power of attorney over someone who's incapacitated has to be something that the law accounts for somehow; it's not like you're the first person in the history of modern law that it's ever happened to.
also, i lost my mom's pin numbers for her several accounts, so we're locked out of her accounts...
Likewise this-- there have to be ways of legally recovering it, don't there? It'll be a huge pain, I'm sure (at least compared to not having to go through the process) but you should at least be talking to people about your situation.

Unfortunately I have no idea how to help with the rest of your post, but these are things that can have action taken on them.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Tue Nov 05, 2019 11:10 pm

Yeah, getting in contact with people tomorrow
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Nov 06, 2019 11:12 am

Thank you. Sorry if my post seemed too practical and not enough sympathetic. I'll continue to hold you up in my heart.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:00 am

My mom passed away this afternoon -- I feel oddly at peace for now. I guess it won't really hit me until her coffin is laid to rest...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Skipper (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:18 am

Sincerest condolences, Yuudachi. Losing a parent is extremely tough. May you find strength to get through the coming days. My thoughts are with you.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:20 am

thank you all, specially for enduring my a pseudo-voyeuristic grief.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:35 am

My condolences, Yuudachi. So sorry for your loss.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Bigdog (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 1:03 am

Yuudachi wrote:
Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:00 am
My mom passed away this afternoon -- I feel oddly at peace for now. I guess it won't really hit me until her coffin is laid to rest...
*hugs*

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 2:07 am

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be good to yourself.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by PonyHag714 (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 7:41 am

My condolences, Yuudachi.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Snowfire (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 8:18 am

Yuudachi wrote:
Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:00 am
My mom passed away this afternoon -- I feel oddly at peace for now. I guess it won't really hit me until her coffin is laid to rest...
I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent sucks. :cry:
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 10:26 am

I’m sorry, Yuudachi.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Demeh (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 11:37 am

My sincerest condolences, Yuu, and if I might add:
Yuudachi wrote:
Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:00 am
My mom passed away this afternoon -- I feel oddly at peace for now. I guess it won't really hit me until her coffin is laid to rest...
I had the same thing happen when my grandmother passed away. She was suffering from dementia for a long time, and I had pretty much already grieved for her before she died. In fact, I was quite happy to hear that she had died, with how horrible her final year had been. At the time, my happiness over her death made me feel... not bad, but kind of confused.

I only really got sad at her funeral, which is when I completely and utterly bawled my eyes out.

What I'm trying to say is, I can relate to some degree. Of course, the context is quite different (I cannot imagine losing my mother instead of my grandmother). Still, point is, don't let anyone tell you that you should feel a certain way; we all process grief differently, and your way is as valid as any other. Hang in there.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by stonecutter (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 4:04 pm

My condolences to you and your family.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Thu Nov 07, 2019 7:01 pm

I am so sorry for your loss.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Fri Nov 08, 2019 5:09 pm

My relatives were more broken up at the services than I was — I would react in response to them.

Or I’d react to a hymn or a song.

Tbh, I wonder when it’s gonna hit me. I’m a bit afraid.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Fri Nov 08, 2019 5:53 pm

For what it's worth, it is not wrong not to cry. It's also not wrong to cry. Shit like this hits people differently. Whatever happens, we´ll be here for you.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:40 pm

Oddly enough, I kinda resent my relatives, because I was the one cheering up everyone else for the most part -- the only times I truly cried during the funeral were the times when it was just her and me because it was too early and no one else had arrived yet.

That said, I'm also well aware that had it not been for my relatives, I dunno how I'd have survived these days, but I feel part of my mourning process was taken away from me... and I'm not sure if its a good or a bad thing.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sat Nov 09, 2019 3:19 pm

jesus... it's the little things that are hitting me right now
finding my mom's old earphones, buying groceries by myself (which technically I had been doing for a while since she got sick)... she had bought me a particular bar of soap and now I find myself refusing to open it since its new, so I bought a different brand altogether... passing thru the cereal section and not buying her fave brand any longer...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Octavia (?) » Mon Nov 11, 2019 12:17 pm

So sorry for your loss. :fluttersmith:

Everyone mourns differently, so don't worry about how you should be acting compared to others.
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Nov 11, 2019 12:28 pm

Octavia wrote:
Mon Nov 11, 2019 12:17 pm
So sorry for your loss. :fluttersmith:

Everyone mourns differently, so don't worry about how you should be acting compared to others.
This. Grief is a very individual process. There’s no right way to grieve. Come and vent whenever you need to, Yuudachi.

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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Tue Nov 12, 2019 8:48 pm

my mom has property in Mexico, so it's a giant hassle to deal with part of her estate... since I have to be going back and forth between Mexico and the US and bureocracy is fucking slow in Mexico...
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Re: Pony Joe's: Post Not-So-Great Things That Happened

Post by Yuudachi (?) » Sun Nov 24, 2019 3:58 pm

I need some serious deprogramming -- For many years I've been an extreme penny-pincher because I was always with the idea of "what if need this money for my mom" and that time came and went in a heartbeat -- and yet I still cannot buy a pack of silicone sponges for dishwashing for 10 dollars or a pet hair removal roller for 25 dollars because my brain is still "save money save money save money".

It's like that part of my brain doesn't want to let go. It had a pattern, a purpose, and now it's been stripped away...
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