Relationships & Co. Thread

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Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:21 pm

Like the previous iteration of this thread, post about your personal/romantic relationships here, whatever form they may take. You can ask for advice or support here and discuss your thoughts/interests/what have you regarding relationships.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Ninetails (?) » Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:23 pm

GUESS WHO HAS A GIRLFRIEND

The answer is Inkie.

The girlfriend is me.

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:23 pm

:allears: to the max!! Congrats you two sillies!
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:44 pm

I made it a goal to at least go out with someone this year.

There's a girl I've been thinking about. We used to hang out at the old coffee shop and talk frequently, then lost touch because the shop closed down (I pretty much lost touch with everyone I knew at that shop :fluttersmith: ). We recently reunited when I happened to run across her at a restaurant she's works at.

Next time I see her, I'm thinking of asking her out, or at least hang out someplace outside her work hours. We'll see where it goes from there.

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Cthulhu Inc (?) » Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:06 am

This person I've been talking to on the dating app talks extensively about how she loves anime, names a specific anime movie she says she loves, I twice suggest we watch it together, and she ignores my suggestion, and says something pretending she didn't see it???
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by West Filly (?) » Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:26 am

Sounds like you felt hopeful about this person, and now it's conflicting.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Weird Autumn (?) » Sun Jan 07, 2018 2:26 am

I'm dating a girl from Perry's GW2 guild and she's anime trash but she's my anime trash and I'm her girlfriend and it's very good :3:

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:24 am

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. A thing haopened that bummed me the fuck out, but it got me to tell like three crushes about my feelings finally. One was planned, two just kinda happened. And now I'm in bed, it's 11:30 AM and I have not slept at all :v: I'm not sure I'm expecting anything to come from this but I digress.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Jan 07, 2018 9:46 am

Being honest about your feelings is usually a very good idea. Having it eating you up inside or lying to others just tends to get way uglier and more difficult. I'm glad you opened up to people. Even if nothing further comes from that, you didn't bottle up or hide things from yourself or others. Good job :yay:
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Jan 08, 2018 5:51 pm

Because it needs to be here, my proudest accomplishment of a post ever:

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:07 pm

I went and asked that girl if she wants to hang out. She says it might be doable, and asked for my number. A start, I suppose :fancyhat:

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Jan 09, 2018 6:46 pm

A good step :yay:
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by ixnay (?) » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:47 am

Next month marks 15 years since the very start of our online forum crush that has since turned into a very happy marriage with a kid. :starity: It's crazy to think that it's been that long but I still have the original poem I received way back on Valentine's Day 2003 that kicked the whole thing off :flattered:


Anyways, for anyone else around here going through a similar long-distance relationship that needs help I'd like to think that I can listen and offer useful advice!

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Jan 10, 2018 8:37 pm

I've been using a dating app, wanting to keep my options open. I talked to a girl who lives nearby. Turns out we crossed paths before, because she told me she remembered seeing me at the local coffee shop I always write my comic stuff at :-I

She agreed to meet with me properly. :party: Gonna work out the schedule later.

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Octavia (?) » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:52 pm

ixnay wrote:
Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:47 am
Next month marks 15 years since the very start of our online forum crush that has since turned into a very happy marriage with a kid. :starity: It's crazy to think that it's been that long but I still have the original poem I received way back on Valentine's Day 2003 that kicked the whole thing off :flattered:


Anyways, for anyone else around here going through a similar long-distance relationship that needs help I'd like to think that I can listen and offer useful advice!
Sup fellow online forum crush that turned into a real serious long-term relationship buddy? :hishovel:

My partner and I met in the LGBT thread on Something Awful way back when, with him living in Richmond and myself in Los Angeles. Eventually we moved in together in LA, then moved to Chicago and bought a home. It's been over 8 years and we're still going strong. :allears:
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by theGECK (?) » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:45 am

I just celebrated 12 years of marriage with my partner!

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:13 pm

Sweet! :yay:
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Frosthawk (?) » Mon Jan 22, 2018 9:43 pm

Oh yea, london (RIP) and I have now been together for 2 years as of yesterday, so I guess thats something. Living together for all that time and still never had a fight. :pinkietoot:

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:39 pm

Super happy for you two :allears:
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Jan 22, 2018 11:02 pm

Tell London we miss her, and she should totes come back! :v:

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by londonarbuckle (?) » Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:09 am

Mr. Big wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 11:02 pm
Tell London we miss her, and she should totes come back! :v:
I straight-up forgot I'd barely posted on the new board. Maybe I will now!

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:20 am

londonarbuckle wrote:
Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:09 am
I straight-up forgot I'd barely posted on the new board. Maybe I will now!
I summoned London :smirk:

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Smoke (?) » Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:02 pm

A bit over four years ago, I asked advice in the previous iteration of this thread as I was going on a blind date with a coworker's sister on March 1st, 2014. It worked out far better than I could have ever hoped it would.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Momo (?) » Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:23 am

Do tell!

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Smoke (?) » Sun Mar 04, 2018 5:52 am

Well, we'll have been married for two years in july, we're looking to buy a house and we're working on starting a family as well.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Mar 04, 2018 7:25 am

The most :allears: things can be.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Jill (?) » Sun Mar 04, 2018 5:02 pm

good :3:

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Mir (?) » Sun Mar 11, 2018 9:26 pm

So today was my birthday.
I went for a nice walk, ate out, had some cake, got some thoughtful messages...
All and all, it was a pretty good day.

But as I sat down and fired up discord after all that, I was disappoint to notice that one friend of mine in particular wasn't on. And when they logged on maybe an hour later I was excited to see them.
Realized I wished I could have just spent the entire day talking.

Oh.
Uh oh...

This really wasn't supposed to happen.

Crushing on my friend soooo hard right now.
Don't think either of us are looking to get involved with anything.
Not sure it would really be a good idea either but...
Oh no, I'm honestly blushing just thinking about them. I'm turning into some sort of cliche.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by West Filly (?) » Sun Mar 11, 2018 9:38 pm

It sounds like you're fond of your friend's company. Whether it's mutual or not, whether it's lasting or temporary, whether it's practical or just not happening, I sincerely hope you have some time where you can enjoy that wonderful warm feeling. It's good, and maybe you've noticed some things about your friend that you feel are good. Right now, isn't that nice?

There's a time to think about what to do or say from here if anything at all, but I think it's important to allow yourself to feel how you feel even if it is a cliche.

I know that might come off as either really sappy or perhaps insincere, but I wanted to put it out there.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Mar 14, 2018 4:50 pm

Been together with the dingus for 4 years now. Shit's wild.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:25 pm

Four More Years!
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Snowfire (?) » Wed Mar 14, 2018 8:33 pm

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:25 pm
Four More Years!
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Name: Tammy

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Cthulhu Inc (?) » Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:58 pm

A spectre is haunting Europe — the spectre of communism.

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by theGECK (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:02 am

This is a giant wall of text advice post. I'm asking for advice related to spousal abuse, so I'm hiding it if you don't want to/can't read that.
In June my spouse and I are going to talk about if we can stay together. I'm planning to say I don't want to. Not only because of the disrespect of my transition and refusal to use any female gendered English terms to refer to me, but because of what I've realized over the last 2 years is pretty systemic abuse.

I've told three of my closest friends who have agreed to not talk to my spouse about things. Each of them has immediately after I told them said that I need to save up some money in case she goes nuclear after we talk and I have to bug out, or if anything happens before then and I need to leave quickly because some of the abuse has been spiraling in intensity over the last few months as I've stopped doing everything I can to placate and predict what she would need or want. The problem is that I don't know how to get my hands and store away money - she controls the money and our budget is very specific. But I know it can be done and I have a few really lucky things that I have been able to setup. Here's what I've done so far and what I'm thinking of.

- I have a separate checking account under my name. I created this a few years ago when I started working on computers for people, and it's only under my name because of tax reasons. She can't see it through her online banking either, but she knows it's there. It's at the same bank as all of our other accounts, which are all joint accounts.
- I have savings bonds that total around $1000. They're in my name, so I don't think she can cash them? But they're in our little fire safe as an emergency fund, so I don't know how I'd get them if I needed to leave suddenly. I could take them out and stash them somewhere else, but if she found them I'd have to answer questions about why they were out of the safe, what I was thinking, etc.
- I still have 1 Bitcoin and an account with BitPay setup to my private checking account, so I can get whatever 1 Bitcoin is worth in a few days if needed. Again, this was another thing done in the past that is convenient if needed.
- We were saving up over the last 10 years to pay off my student loans only to find out that the balance was $8,000 more than what we had because it was a consolidation loan that they displayed as separate loans, and not actually two loans. I have gotten a personal loan from the bank for $8,000 to pay off the student loans at essentially the same interest rate, but if we separate the money won't be in our account and it will actually have been applied to my loans instead of being split between us or disappearing from the account suddenly. And if she doesn't follow through on her promise to pay the loans "no matter what happens between us" I won't be stuck with tens of thousands of student loan debt, I'll only have one bank loan that's under $8k. And again, this was already in the works before things started getting weird, so it's just lucky.
- We use separate lastpass accounts for our passwords, so she doesn't have any of my passwords, but she might be able to guess some of the less important ones and I know I'll have to change my google and master passwords, but most of that should be random and safe from her guessing.

So that's what I have in place. It's not bad, and I'm in a better position that lots of people, but I'm still nervous about everything. We had a talk last night about how I'm doing things with other people that she wanted to do with me and when I pointed out that I had asked her repeatedly to do it with me first, it became me putting all of the problems on her and making them her fault. And I actually remembered the conversation - for years I thought that I had a bad memory because I had trouble remembering specifics of conversations with her. A friend suggested that what was happening is the reaction of my mind to having the rules for conversation change rapidly. Suddenly last night, while seeing what was happening, I'm able to actually remember the conversation. In detail. I don't want to believe that my mind's been fucked with somehow, but there's a good amount of evidence for that and I'm not sure exactly what it was because part of the whole thing was not trusting my memory and defaulting to what she said happened to stop arguments.

Things I'm looking at:
- I get direct deposit of my paycheck into our shared account. It might be possible to take 1-2% of that paycheck and send it to my different account, but I'm not sure how much of a difference that will make. It's not going to be enough for rent, that's for sure. Maybe enough for food for a week or two if I'm able to crash with friends and eat food with them? But I noticed that there's another issue with that - my check deposits are around $100 less than what we're budgeted and I've never heard anything about it. So if it's really that we're budgeting wrong, losing anything extra will be easily noticeable. I don't know here. I'm going to go look at my paychecks to see what's getting pulled out and where it's going later today.
- Withdrawing cash and saying it's for something is out. It's something I try not to do unless it's a specific amount for something I need cash for because both of us have trouble not spending cash if it's in our hands. We don't use cash unless necessary, so withdrawing cash would be immediately off and weird for me to do. I don't know how to change that, unless I started going out to drinks with friends and just hiding the money? But that'd be odd because I always pay with my card there too. And the fact that she doesn't like me having friends that she's also not friends with so I'd have to plan drinks for times she's unavailable and that'll raise problems and accusations of pushing her out of my life or having another family or something.
- I could sell some things from our garage and keep the cash. I don't want to do that, because that's essentially stealing from her. And there's no guarantee I'd be the only one to see the person coming to get the things.

So, I don't really know what to do here. I'd rather stay, but it would require such drastic change that I don't see how it can happen. And whenever I've tried to bring it up it's ended up being something I'm doing instead of something that she's doing and it's getting harder and harder to accept that I've been the cause for 90% of our problems. I mean, maybe, because I've brought some baggage into our lives because it's me, but she has said that she doesn't need counseling because she knows her problems and doesn't need to talk with somebody outside the marriage about them.

I'm honestly hoping she doesn't read this forum. She knows my usernames and sites I use, but I don't think she has time to check up on everywhere I am, so I should be fine. She thinks the fact that I like MLP is dumb because it's a show for kids and has agreed to watch it with me only if she gets to make fun of me the whole time ("You know I'm not going to actually be making fun of you, it's just picking on you. You don't have to take it that way."). So I don't think she'd spend time here at all unless she thought I was talking behind her back here? Eh, I could go around in circles about this a lot, so I'll just stop it now.

Thank you everybody who has ideas. And everybody who doesn't and is just reading this! Honestly, it's weird having friends I can physically talk to on my own and it's weird having a network of people who I think I can probably say things to and get advice from. But it's good. It's just going to take a long time to get used to.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by West Filly (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:13 am

This sounds like it could result in a legal case / divorce proceedings. Don't hide money. If it goes nuclear, lawyer up and make sure you get what property is yours.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by theGECK (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:15 am

West Filly wrote:
Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:13 am
This sounds like it could result in a legal case / divorce proceedings. Don't hide money, lawyer up.
The money would be so that I could afford an attorney if things got ugly. Sorry, that's important, I should have specified that.

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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by West Filly (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:43 am

A lot of attourneys will cover the expenses from the settlement. Of course it's not ideal to give them a cut but there's decisions to be made.

You can take the money, so long as you don't hide it. If it goes nuclear, you'll need to declare your finances. At some point a light could be shone on the money you have and where it came from at which point you may need to defend why you put it in one place and not another.

I know this is a lot of stress, but everything you now do financially you need to do as though a magistrate is watching.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by West Filly (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:58 am

It just occurred to me that things could be totally different in the US in terms of what lawyers offer and how cases tend to turn out. Even then, I'm not an expert here or anywhere. For a lot of reasons I want to write now to say please ignore my posts.
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 12:52 pm

First off, you are considering a very brave and very important thing for your own wellbeing. I seriously want to applaud you for that. Nobody here can force you to leave or have the emotional insight into the situation, and it's a really heavy thing to get your head around. This is a person who was supposed to be your most trusted and supportive ally, in every major area of life - That's not something you can just easily take and push aside. Nobody in their right mind can or should begrudge you for being conflicted. Just personally, from everything you've said here and in private, this relationship has gotten to a point where it raises massive red flags in basically every aspect. It's not your partner's right to make decisions for you, to erode the trust you're supposed to have in your own feelings and instincts, to deny even entertaining therapy out of respect for the relationship, and to deny you something as fundamental and vital as your pronouns. None of this is acceptable, under any circumstances, for your partner to do. No amount of grief or trouble she might be feeling excuses this behaviour. From how you write, you've made fantastic progress at realizing this, and that's really really good. You deserve kindness and respect, always. Do what you need to get it.

--------------------------

I feel it's necessary to mention that transgender people in general are very likely to be victims of abuse, physical and/or psychological, in relationships. Here is an article going into some more detail, with US-focused resources attached. There is also this very insightful pamphlet that's more UK-focused. Both are very good and important reads no matter where you are from, though, just specific organizations will vary from country to country.

Here is a general guide with tips for leaving an abusive partner. Might have some thoughts you haven't considered yet, just in case.

--------------------------


My 2 cents:
- Get a lawyer ASAP. Since you have a lot of shared assets and other things that would need to be untangled, things could get messy really quickly. Considering how controlling your partner has acted around you already, and how much they've appeared to gaslight you, you really cannot say for sure how they would treat your posessions once you leave. Even if she doesn't flip out, tries to steal from you or whatever, having a lawyer will help you a ton with covering all your bases and telling you what you can and can't do to stay safe and still legally covered. Most lawyers do initial consultations for free. Google to find lawyers specialized in divorce law, maybe even specialized in cases that involve domestic abuse. Your local LGBT organizations might also likely have tips on where to find LGBT friendly lawyers in your area. Google has some ideas, also. I cannot stress enough how much having a competent lawyer on your side will help.

- Have several options for a roof over your head. Having supportive friends who will let you stay at their place for a while is absolutely amazing and ideally you check with several potential friends to make sure you can divide the load. Just be sure to clue them in on everything they need to know to be safe with you and on their own. However, just in case your partner ends up going really manipulative and ballistic or things get too big for your friends, be sure to prepare in advance and look up domestic abuse shelters. Again, also check with local LGBT organizations on what they can recommend for you to do and where to go. Sadly, a bunch of shelters are still run by very conservative organizations, so see which are explicitly LGBT-friendly or otherwise recommended.

- Inform your doctors and mental health professionals as well. The more allies, the merrier. Seriously. The more people can back you up and help you through this stuff, the safer you can be. You are planning to do a really important and beneficial thing for yourself, but it's still really goddamn hard. Tell your doctor, tell your therapist, tell a counselor your trust. They have to keep things confidential and can likely support you when the poop hits the fan. Tell your most trusted friends. In case your partner ends up trying to manipulate the friends you have in common, you ideally want to get ahead of the story - So when you got a good foundation of very trusted individuals, see if you can tell the friends you have in common.

- Ask the lawyer about how to handle your money and assets once you are ready. Your salary is your salary. Your partner is not magically entitled to it. However, it is true that depending on what marriage contract you might have and other potential entitlements are at play (for instance, how much your partner makes), making sure what's yours stays yours could be complicated. Do not take more than you absolutely need for now, and instead ask the lawyer ASAP about how to go about this the safest. Nobody here can give you legal advice, so as soon as you can, talk to a professional.


I can't say enough how much I'm proud of you for taking your needs seriously, and for looking into whatever steps you have to take to be safe. Above all else, please do be safe. Don't do anything rash just because you've read about it or have been advised as much. Get out when you should get out, but that's your call to make. In any case, though, prepare and get allies on your side. It will seriously help so much.

I'm rooting for you from the bottom of my heart, Geck. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve respect. :flutterunsmith:
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theGECK
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Re: Relationships & Co. Thread

Post by theGECK (?) » Mon Apr 23, 2018 2:59 pm

Thank you Perry for your post. I don't even know what to say. A few thoughts I had while reading?

I have friends that will let me crash at that place, but if it gets to the point where I have to get out I also won't have a car because that's in her name, so my options are going to be limited as to how far out I can go and still get to work. Maybe I can borrow a car? But I have friends where walking to work would only be 15-60 minutes each way and that's doable. I probably won't be out on the street, at least, and I shouldn't lose my job. When we bought the house it was with the understanding that I would keep it if we couldn't stay together because of transition but now that we've paid it down to the point we can break even on it, supposedly we had said that the agreement was only because we couldn't break even on a sale? I mean, it makes sense that we would set things up that way and it's logical, I just don't remember it that way. So I'm having to rapidly and suddenly change my ideas of what my housing will be if we split up. But I'm really lucky, and have people around who are very willing to help. Which is good because...

There are no shelters in our area that accept gay, lesbian, or transgender people. Or at least there weren't last year. And I live in a town with world-class healthcare in a state that has legal protections for LGBT people and I work for one of the companies that gets a 100 from HRC's scoring system. The reason given? "If we allow lesbian women or transgender women into our shelter(s), we wouldn't be able to turn away their abuser from our shelters (for lesbians) or abusers would pretend to be transgender to find their victim (for transgender people)." Which I sympathize with, especially because they're already doing more than they have resources to do. It's just a bad situation that the solution doesn't help some very vulnerable populations.

I went to see a therapist again recently to talk about this. He was really helpful but I won't be able to go again because it's way more expensive than where I used to go, and because the last time I went to see a counselor I had to deal with being asked every month how much it cost and if I could stop going yet so we could use the money somewhere else. Maybe once I leave I can, but I don't know.

I hadn't thought of an initial consultation. I might be able to do that. If I act fast there might be a time she's at work while I'm not before her schedule goes back to normal and we walk into work and home from work together again. Or maybe I could schedule time with a friend and answer questions about that and then have the consultation, and have the friend cover my back? That seems like it might be too easily unraveled though, unless I plan with the friend ahead of time what conversation topics we talked about in case she asks the friend. Context: If I don't share enough about what I talked about with my friends, I'm hiding something and it's a bad thing.

I make too much to qualify for any assistance, so retaining a lawyer will probably be around $3,000. That's the amount our friend who we helped get out of a physically dangerous relationship where the guy is now a registered sex offender had to come up with if she wanted to have a lawyer. If she couldn't get financial help with legal stuff, I don't know how I could. And bonus insult to injury - the free legal consultations for situations like this are held at the shelters. That I can't go to.

Still processing through things, but thank you people who wrote to me.

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