RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Snowfire (?) » Thu Nov 02, 2017 2:41 pm

Whereas Pony Joe's is used for short-term issues or "bad days" in general, RUSP is used for issues that are either long-term or for users who are struggling with mental illness or ongoing issues.

I'm copying and pasting Willsun's original post here. If Perry and Momo have changed the rules regarding RUSP since then, please let me know and I'll change the OP. I don't know if you can change it or not personally.


-------------------


  • Consider what information you want to reveal to the public, and try to keep your post focused! That doesn't mean you can't talk freely,
    but try to post about things that are an issue and that you want to talk about. You can also post about your current step in an ongoing journey of recovery or struggle. Basically, don't just viciously rant about every bad thing that ever happened in your life or use this thread as your diary, and you should be fine! Also, even though this subforum is not getting crawled by bots, you are still posting on the internet, so be mindful of how much information regarding your person you want to bring up. Be safe, first and foremost.
  • That also means success stories in turning around your horrible experiences are welcome. Please don't be a butt and post something obviously trivial like, "Well my day sucked because I was hungry but then I had a sandwich so hurray!" Saying "Someone hit-and-run me today but my mom baked me a cake to cheer me up," however, is acceptable.
  • This is also not an advice thread. Don't hide it behind, "Well if I don't make the right choice, my day will suck!" People like to give advice and will if they can, but don't force it.
  • Watch the language. Yes, we can throw around all the horrible words we know, but venting does not mean spam "FUCK" a hundred times or accuse "THOSE GODDAMN [ethnicity/sexual orientation]" of stereotypes.
  • Photos of stuff making your day a crap pile can be useful and interesting, but don't break tables. Please resize them to something tolerable. Also, no NWS or NMS unless proceeded by a warning and linked only. This leads into...
  • Don't be creepy. You know what I mean. I'll be sure to tattle to the proper authorities.
  • Supporters be positive! No "you deserved it" or low-content "that sucks" replies. If we wanted tough-love, we'd go find an aging boxing coach or something.
  • Conversely, venters please don't get sour or hurt if not everyone replies to your post.


A list of phone numbers to call:
  • U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 If you are having thoughts of suicide, call this number immediately.
  • Kristin Brooks Hope Center Hopeline: 1-800-784-2433 This hotline can help you cope with a range of depressive feelings.
  • Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (press 1) Responders understand the unique experiences of veterans.
  • United Way Helpline: 1-800-233-4357 They can aid you in locating a therapist, healthcare or basic necessities such as housing and food by directing you to local services.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:26 pm

I made some basic edits, but I'd love if we still had a more recent version, I sadly don't have that cached.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by theGECK (?) » Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:36 am

Snowfire wrote:
Thu Nov 02, 2017 2:41 pm
...post about your current step in an ongoing journey of recovery or struggle. ...That also means success stories in turning around your horrible experiences are welcome.
Hidden: success story about my history with suicide, etc.
Last weekend I was talking to my parents-in-law's house and the topic of my lifelong struggle with suicide & suicidal thoughts came up. Throughout my life, I've had trouble with suicidal thoughts. I planned & expected 3-4 weeks per year that would be a significant struggle for me, as well as days peppered throughout the rest of the year. I've attempted suicide once, and made serious preparations at least two more times that I remember. My memory during those times is not the best, so I can't remember clearly.

Just over a decade ago I decided to put some work into myself. I had been unable to refute an argument that I counted as human, and so the argument went that if I counted as human, then I needed to explore humanity instead of thinking of myself as some sort of aberration or disgusting anomaly. I started to work on myself, to visit a counselor whenever I could [1] and to untangle my thinking. I started to realize that I harbored some toxic thoughts about sexuality, religion, gender, politics, and pretty much everything toxic that is associated with growing up in a conservative evangelical Christian household. I went to a twelve step group and started the process of getting sober [2] and that helped out in other areas. I came out to myself and others about several things and made part of my sobriety being honest about my feelings, desires, and boundaries with others. I started a positive spiral in my life to combat the negative one, and continued to feed the positive one as much as I could.

Through all of this, my suicidal thoughts went from an average of 2 days a week, to 1 day, to one day a quarter, to now where I can only point to one twenty minute period in the last year where I've seriously entertained thoughts of suicide. Because I've been sober, I have so much more time in my day because I'm not spending so much time conspiring and hiding what I'm doing. I'm happier, I actually have a career now, I'm more productive, and I feel my feelings (which is the best thing out of all of this). I know that this is something that's part of me; I have a natural bent towards negative/pessimistic thoughts and catastrophizing them to the point where everything seems pointless. But I also know that they don't have to represent my whole life and that on the whole, it got better.

[1] Recently while looking back, I found something amazing about my counselor. After several attempts to find and see counselors but being unable to due to funds I was able to scrape together the fee for an initial visit. Afterward the counselor told me that he had a payment plan for people who do not have insurance or sufficient income, and that my fee would be $15/visit. Even at that price, I was only able to go twice per month. He would hold onto the bill until it had a few visits on it and then send it to me. When I found the bill recently, I noticed that he had only been charging me $12 after those first few visits. When I mentioned this to the person who recommended me to the counselor, they were surprised, because the counselor's normal hourly rate was $120/visit if you had insurance and he could bill them, or $100/visit if you didn't. He had never heard of the counselor offering other people an income based sliding scale. I owe a lot to my counselor, and this is just one more example of how much he helped me out without me realizing it. People all over are eager to help, every time I give them permission to do so.

[2] I've almost hit 1 month sober, and I'm going to make it this time. I used to congratulate myself on making it through two hours with only a little use of my drug of choice, or only ducking out during work once, and now I'm sitting here going "A week won't be too hard, but the next week will be a problem." I had no idea that I could function in reality without the fantasy world that I could slip into, but it's happened, and overall it's better than before. Addiction is something that can be overcome, and I've been amazed at how many people are willing and eager to help me through it, no matter how many times I fail both myself and them.
To sum up, or for those who don't want to read the hidden stuff, I break down crying happy tears just thinking about my life sometimes. I'm thankful for the people in my life that I've found, and thankful to my past self for doing all of that work for weeks and months of decades, for accepting that spending weeks in a depressive torpor because of working through problems would result in a better future. I'm in a great place, both objectively and in relation to where I was in the past, which is something a lot of people who knew me in the past probably would never have expected.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mir (?) » Sat Nov 11, 2017 11:57 pm

I'm not actually feeling bad at the moment, just contemplating.

A lot of mental illness seems to be self isolating, almost by design.
There's the fear factor of exposing yourself or drawing attention to yourself.
There's self loathing or a feeling that you don't deserve the attention or help, or that it's weak to accept it.
And possibly the most insidious of all, not wanting to burden or bother other people with your problems and feeling guilty when you do.

Not sure where I'm really going with this, but I've had flavors of all three at one time or another.
It can feel like you're gagged and completely paralyzed.
Unable to move or help yourself. unable to even ask for help.

I almost wanna ask for thoughts on the matter, but I dunno if there's really anything to add.
Sucks though. To anyone feeling isolated out there, I hope you find some way to reach out. it can feel like the most difficult thing in the world.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by RudeCyrus (?) » Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:24 pm

Fuckign fuck everything. I feel hopeless and desperate and I snapped at my mother. Now I feel fucking awful

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by theGECK (?) » Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:19 am

RudeCyrus wrote:
Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:24 pm
Fuckign fuck everything. I feel hopeless and desperate and I snapped at my mother. Now I feel fucking awful
:hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Nov 25, 2017 2:09 am

I'm pretty down on myself right now. I just wish I could stop setting myself up for failure. At the beginning of the month I decided that I was going to take advantage of it being National Novel Writing Month and finally kick things into gear with the story I've been attempting to write these last few months. I got real excited and even made a thread in RCS about it. And then I just couldn't follow through. Sure, I could blame getting really busy with work or the holidays, but I know I could have squeezed the necessary hours out of my life if I really put myself to it. No, instead I procrastinated and second-guessed myself constantly and got next to nothing done.

I just hate being like this. I want just one thing in my life that I could point to and say "I did that!" with pride. Instead I have a small mountain of half-baked and barely started projects that I just can't do anything about. How do creative people push past that and actually create things? I have all the tools, and all the ideas, but none of the skill or natural talent needed to make anything. I'd even settle for making something bad, because then I'd at least have done it, and could improve from there. After all, the only thing worse than failure is never having tried at all.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by minty (?) » Sat Nov 25, 2017 8:58 pm

It's hard to say. I've been trying to to creative stuff for years but failing pretty badly.

But just because Nano is over, it doesn't mean you can't write stuff. Don't worry about not finishing it because a month is over. If you want, just make something goofy for the fun of it. Don't worry about it being perfect.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:43 am

Yeah, I'm not giving up on it just yet. It's just that this fits the pattern of my life thus far perfectly. I start something worthwhile, then fizzle out due to mental problems. Over and over. You'd just think after so many tries that I'd figure out some strategy the combat it, but I guess I'm just not that lucky.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 11:24 am

Today's been another one of those days where I have trouble seeing any worth in myself.

With the end of the semester coming up, there's still a fair amount of work to finish in a few of my classes. I feel like I can handle it, but some part of me keeps saying that a better student would've been finished already. Even though I know full well that I'm not the worst in any of my classes, I still want to be better. It's enough to where I'm falling back into the pattern of being too stressed to work effectively and too guilty about not working to relax at all.

I'm also dreading seeing my grades at the end of the semester. Even though I'm definitely not going to fail any of my classes, I'm afraid of getting anything less than an A in any of them. My parents and family were all so proud of me for getting straight A's last year that I'd hate to let them down by not doing the same this year. Even though the circumstances are different (my class load this semester has been busier and more difficult, and family situations have continued to require a fair amount of my time), I'm still not sure how I'll be able to handle falling below my standard if it comes to that.

The worst part of it is that even knowing my troubles makes me feel worse, because then I feel bad for holding myself to insanely high standards. It's like I know I'm bad at forgiving myself for mistakes, but being bad at that is also a bad thing, so instead of looking at it as something I can improve on, I instead just heap it on myself as another negative property that makes me less good as a person.

The main thing that helps in times like this is to talk about it with people who care. A part of me wants to say that no one really cares and that it's bad for me to rely on other people at all, but I know that isn't true. I suppose that me writing this post is my way of fighting that sort of thought.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 11:43 am

It's enough to where I want to beat myself when I get home this afternoon. If I give myself the punishment I deserve for my problems, then maybe I can move past them and stop feeling so stressed. Is it really that irrational to want to do this? I know that self-harm generally isn't considered good, but it's not like I do anything truly harmful (I'm not cutting myself or similar, just whipping myself across the back). If it helps me stop feeling so negative, maybe it helps overall?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:31 pm

Does punishing yourself make you feel better, though, or does it rather reinforce the idea that you deserve punishment in the first place? That's what I would ask myself. You said yourself that you have ridiculous and unhealthy standards for yourself, so to me that sounds just like a reinforcement of those standards rather than the kindness and forgiveness you indeed deserve. And no, being bad at kindness and forgiveness for yourself is not worth punishing yourself for, either. You get better at those, it's just not one straight line of improvement, but rather kind of a tug-of-war. Some days you will lose and feel shitty, that's sadly normal. You are no less worthwhile or on the right path, though.

I'm glad you are around and I don't want to see you in pain, at all. Please do not inflict pain on yourself.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:01 pm

Thank you. I'm still not always good at having any confidence in myself, and sometimes I still lose sight of the fact that people who care about me like me for who I am, not just my academic performance. It might seem like I'm struggling an awful lot, and honestly I am still struggling with this, but I know I'm definitely better about it now than I have been in the past. Your all's reassurances help a whole lot.

I ended up not whipping myself at all today.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:43 pm

I forget where I read this other than somewhere on Tumblr, but something I've found that helps when I'm feeling bad about myself is to separate the thoughts into constructive actions I can take and mere negativity. If I'm stuck thinking that I'm worthless for having a worrying amount of work to do, instead of me telling it to myself, I imagine Donald Trump saying it in exactly the same tone he uses to complain about Mexicans and fake news and so on. My own negativity is much easier to ignore that way.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:18 pm

I think I've figured out my problem, or at least a problem, in how I act when I've got a lot of work to do. This past weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I did nearly nothing but laze around the house, leaving only to get some exercise (gotta thank my watch for that). I got in this way since Monday-Thursday are when I have all my classes, and at this point in the semester, there's a terrible amount of work to finish up. I run myself ragged trying to get all the work done at once on those days that I have class, but on each day like that I get to the point where I'm too tired to do any more useful work that day. I wear myself out those days, then on days when I don't have class, I sit around and do nothing; the rest helps, but only so much each day.

I'm basically binging on work or not-work each day. Behaving like this is highly inefficient, but I do it anyway. I try to do too much work at once because I feel guilty and ashamed of myself, that I need to make up for all the time I spent not working. I do virtually nothing on other days because I feel I've worn myself out from those days that I tried to do too much, thus squeezing all the work into the rest of the week, setting up the same problem for myself once again. All the while I have the worry over whether I'll manage to pull straight A's again, and what'll happen if I don't, looming over me.

It's a bad cycle that I'm in, but I know I can get out of it. In the short term I must stop forcing myself to work all-or-nothing, to instead better balance my work and not-work each day. It's easy to get into too much of the latter, and my worry and guilty conscience drive me to do too much of the former; neither are good. I must remember to carry this through to next semester as well, especially as I get to the end of it in April.

In the long term I must remember to not demand utter perfection of myself. I must do the best I can, but sometimes the best I can do is less than perfect, whether due to external circumstances or (more often) my own bad decisions. I must be able to learn from them, forgive myself for them, and keep moving on. My GPA, though it does matter, is not the measure of my worth as a person. Even if I have a semester that doesn't go as well as I had hoped, that doesn't automatically mean I am a failure of a human.

I especially must remember that deliberately being negative will not help. Bad thoughts can't always be avoided, but can be inspected by imagining how rational they'd sound if said by someone else (like by an actually awful person, as described in my last post) to me. Beating myself, at the very most, might temporarily snap me out of a funk and back into getting things done, but it'll also contribute to my own sense of guilt and worthlessness. In the long run it would just make me feel worse and might even lead me into something more harmful than merely whipping myself.

Getting through all this is highly difficult, but the fact that I can recognize my troubles means that I've taken the first step to solving them. I need to follow through with the action I described earlier, but having written it out makes it far easier to think about than when it's all merely stuck in my head. Though it's hard for me to believe it when I say it like this, I know I can do better.

and a big thanks to everyone who read this goddamn rambling mess of a post, oh jeez I'm long-winded about myself
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:22 am

That post is absolutely not rambling or a mess, I think it's actually excellent and a very strong, insightful post. Awesome job :yay: I'd say bookmark it and come back to it whenever you can and when you notice that you're going down the self-flagellation route again. You said exactly the right things, and you deserve to hear them as often as you need.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Thu Dec 14, 2017 9:46 pm

I have so many things. So many things I want to say, but every time I come close to a psychiatrist or pshyologist I falter. I draw blank. Like my mind just shuts down. I want to die and I could list all the reasons for it unless I was talking to you, right in your face. I can't open up to people and I hate it. I feel alone and I don't even know how to fix it. Every attempt I've made has ended in nothing, I'm just... there. I make a dumb joke, a shitpost. Haha, I guess, but I don't know. Some folks say I'm sincere but I am not. I am a lying sniveling bastard. And I don't know how to start digging out of that nonsense.

Sorry. I wasn't even sure where to vent this shit to. I don't want to exist anymore but there is so much pulling me to stay. I can't take any of it anymore.

Like how do people stay in one job for longer than two months. I*ve been here for almost a year and I've only become worse mentally. How do I share that with words? As in spoken words, because I just get... stiff when talking about this.

Sorry.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Dec 14, 2017 9:58 pm

You got those words right there, with you, and you are putting them out there, even if it's "just" on a silly internet forum. That still matters. Your feelings are still valid. That barrier to talk to people openly is real, and you're not a liar or a bastard for struggling with it.

I'm certain people have suggested it to you before, but it bears repeating: Writing down your feelings and showing the writing to your therapist is completely fine. Nobody is expecting you to be a perfectly open book and have all the words for your feelings, not by a long shot. A therapist is there to help you open up more and adress things in the first place, you don't have to go there and be perfect already. What you wrote here before and write here in general is 100% valid, and you should not hesitate to show it to the people who can help you. Folks here got your back, but a professional can help you in other ways, and your words, written or otherwise are welcome with them too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Thu Dec 14, 2017 10:17 pm

Write things down. Write them down, or even just bring a copy of your post to your therapist. It's helped me a lot.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Thu Dec 14, 2017 10:36 pm

Okay, thanks you two. I should write things down. It would helps a lot about a lot of things actually. Starting tonight, I will.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:17 pm

You can do it. :flutterunsmith: Even if you think it's all dumb, or a mess, or whatever else you can think of to shoot it down - Show it to your therapist anyway. You will be glad you did, and they will be glad you did, too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by theGECK (?) » Fri Dec 15, 2017 4:35 pm

One thing I'm trying and getting better at is not taking on other people's anxiety. I have a friend, and it's really not working out. She has lots of anxiety around people and them abandoning her, which leads to extreme reactions whenever we have a disagreement in how things function. If she's driven the last few times we've gone out and I ask to drive, she asks if it's because she's a bad driver or because I don't feel safe and maybe it's an extension of me being upset and I'm going to tell her that I don't want to be friends...etc. I have a hard time not taking that on and trying to make it better, and I just end up making myself anxious and it doesn't help her out. She's still going to react the same way because of her past, and I'll just make myself less able to take care of my own life and be there if she actually needs me.

It's why I didn't become a counselor; because I knew I couldn't leave "it" at work. I would always bring "it" around with me for the rest of my life.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:18 am

A couple days ago I'd been talking to another ponygoon. That is to say, actually talking in a Discord call, not just via text. Something that person (very kindly) suggested, that I really should be sure of what I'm going to say before I say it, is something I've been thinking about ever since.

The thing is, when I'm writing a post here on the forums or typing something in a chat or whatever, what I say in the end doesn't show any revision and research I put into the process of writing. Even if it's just me going off to Wikipedia to check a fact or finding a specific scene in an episode in order so I can be sure of some obscure bit of MLP trivia or similar, it's still way more time that I have to be sure what I am saying is right. That's something you don't get when you're actually speaking to someone. I realized that when talking to others, I sometimes tend to stop in the middle of a sentence and restart what I was saying, perhaps because I decided what I was saying was incorrect or wasn't clear enough or so on.

Maybe this links back into my general worries about failure, worries over ever being incorrect or wrong about something. But when I'm talking to someone, it matters a whole hell of a lot more to speak well than to always be correct. If always being correct is necessary, such as if I'm giving a speech or presentation, then I know how to prepare for that and anyone listening to me would be expecting to hear something like that. But if I'm just talking to one person, especially a considerate friend, I really shouldn't worry about being right so much to where I'm stopping myself again and again. Anyone who cares really won't mind if I'm not absolutely correct 100% of the time.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by PhoolCat (?) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:50 am

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Thu Dec 14, 2017 9:46 pm
Like how do people stay in one job for longer than two months. I*ve been here for almost a year and I've only become worse mentally.
Sorry to cherrypick this bit, but it really resonates with me - I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did and looking back I really wish I’d gotten out far sooner, it would have been better for everyone involved. This idea that YOU MUST HAVE A FULL TIME JOB to be worth anything in society is such a toxic idea that needs to die. I’m lucky (privileged) that I found a way of doing something that I love on a freelance basis and I hope I never have to go back, but there’s so many other solutions - agency work, part time, working from home, whatever, and slowly society seems to be getting on board with that.

Some people see what I do and ask how I can live like that? Doing something different, somewhere different nearly every day, no regular hours, no job security or safety net, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Snowfire (?) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:26 am

Nothing like filing for unemployment and having all the "your worthless ass better look for work every day or we will terminate your unemployment benefits" disclaimers to make me feel like a failure.

Why did I wake up today? :cry:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 12:12 pm

Snowfire wrote:
Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:26 am
Nothing like filing for unemployment and having all the "your worthless ass better look for work every day or we will terminate your unemployment benefits" disclaimers to make me feel like a failure.

Why did I wake up today? :cry:
It sucks, I know, but they're not worth your misery. It's not your fault you need this help. It happens to the best of us. You're no failure for it.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by PhoolCat (?) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 1:10 pm

Also in the UK doing voluntary work in charity shops / thrift stores gets them off your back for a bit, is there anything like that with your state?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Snowfire (?) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:22 pm

PhoolCat wrote:
Mon Dec 18, 2017 1:10 pm
Also in the UK doing voluntary work in charity shops / thrift stores gets them off your back for a bit, is there anything like that with your state?
To qualify for unemployment here, I need to be constantly looking for full time work. So I don't think working in thrift stores or charity shops will help. Plus I don't think we have any around here.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by West Filly (?) » Tue Dec 19, 2017 9:44 pm

PhoolCat wrote:
Mon Dec 18, 2017 1:10 pm
Also in the UK doing voluntary work in charity shops / thrift stores gets them off your back for a bit, is there anything like that with your state?
Our place sends you to a wholesale store to work with no pay from the store, else you don't get your allowance from the state.

Why is the government paying less than minimum wage to get people to do a job that this company should be paying minimum wage for? It's wasting someone's time, devaluing that particular role across the industry, and potentially keeping job roles that pay an actual wage closed so long as the companies can find people on this government scheme to do the work instead of an employee they'd have to pay themselves.

Pretty fucked if you ask me.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Dec 20, 2017 1:42 am

I wish I could stop being a burden to those around me, but I can’t. I’m going to be stuck living with my parents forever, because a part time job is the best I can manage, and I can barely even manage that. I can’t even manage to have a productive hobby. All I do is sit around and mooch off of the people obligated to care about me, and I don’t have the slightest idea how to change that. I have no talents, no skills, and no real redeeming qualities. Sure, I’m not always this negative, but that’s just when I’m spending every bit of my energy trying not to be. Then I’m so tired and worn down that I can’t accomplish anything anyway. What is even the point of my life? How do I move past what’s supposed to be just a transitional part of it? Almost everyone else seems to be able to, and those who can’t are way less fortunate and privileged than I am.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Maximum Tomfoolery (?) » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:58 pm

So I've just starting coming to terms with a lifelong mental illness I've never been treated for, so the past few days have been a wild ride. I've been trying to collect my thoughts, but I'm still a ways away from making sense of it all. I know it's been a long time since I've been active around these horse forums, but I'm trying to reach out to old friends where I can find them. I'll probably have a lot more to say once I better understand, but for now... everything is scary, and I'm not sure how this is gonna shake out.

Where I'm at right now is confronting an old feeling of hollowness I'd shut out and forced myself to forget more than a decade ago. Gonna be rough getting to sleep tonight.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Dec 21, 2017 2:09 am

Remember that you're not alone, and that the path to understanding yourself can be as illuminating and ultimately helpful as it can be terrifying. I'm glad you've posted, and you are always welcome to post again and reach out. It's not too late to get treatment and help, it never is. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Maximum Tomfoolery (?) » Thu Dec 21, 2017 10:54 am

Thanks for the words, Perry! I'm working on a document where I can keep all my thoughts and revelations in one place, and I've got a lot of updating to do this morning. First though, I feel like I should explain a few things about my mental state right now, and my expectations.

I want make it clear that despite all the awful feelings I'm still struggling to remember, I've never once in my life considered hurting myself, and I don't expect to. I really do appreciate the concern, and I want to let you all know that, no matter what, I'll be ok, even if I don't yet know how, or even how long it will take.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Maximum Tomfoolery (?) » Thu Dec 21, 2017 11:16 am

So yesterday, I started opening up to a friend, and really started digging into my past feelings, for the first time. For many years now, I can't recall feeling much of anything at all. I can't really find a shorter way to explain this, so I'll copy/paste my thoughts from my document (I should come up with a better name for it).

"For what must be over a decade now, I've felt nothing, just lived my life on momentum of habit. Friends and family would describe me as "tranquil" or "mellow", like I was some kind of zen master, but the truth is, I just couldn't bring myself to give a damn about anything. I always knew I saw the world differently than everyone else, but I was always good at schoolwork, so it's not like there was something wrong with my brain, right? Math, science, logic, and so on were second nature to me, so maybe that's all it was. I liked thinking more than doing. It's just the kind of person I was. I know now that I was wrong."

Yesterday, while writing that, I remembered an awful feeling I'd repressed long ago, and it hit me like a truck. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was painful. After that, I managed to focus elsewhere, and I prepared to deal with it again later at night. I actually started to get hopeful. After all, if that feeling could come back after all this time, maybe all the other emotions weren't far behind. It was going to hurt remembering it all, but I knew I'd be better off for it.

But it's morning now and last night was... disappointing. It didn't come back. No matter how hard I tried to focus, I can't remember that feeling. I remember being a kid, confused at an awful emotion I couldn't begin to understand, but I can't remember how it felt anymore. And honestly, that bothers me, a lot.

I suppose the next step is to make some calls and try to start getting treatment, but since it's the holidays, I suspect it may be a few weeks before anything actually happens. It feels like I wasted so much of my life already, so the thought of waiting even longer sucks.

Boy, that's a lot of text, huh? Maybe I should make my own thread for these. I've still got a lot of things rattling in my head I need to get out.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Dec 21, 2017 11:22 am

You're not in the way, no worries. If you feel RUSP works for you, stick with it. I'm glad you're getting your thoughts out.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:26 am

It's been a while since I've updated RUSP. I'm still working with a therapist, although the new one I switched to (around July?) doesn't feel as useful as my previous one, the new one is more convenient to get to, and I seemed at a standstill with my previous one anyway. My issues with Task Initiation (procrastination) are being managed a little better than before, but I feel like my therapist is mainly just celebrating small victories rather than helping me improve/get into more useful habits.

Separately from that, I'm realizing that for the first time in ~15 years or so, I don't really have close friends around anymore (partner excluded), and it's making me lonely at times, so I'm going to have to make an effort to find new local friends.

Finally, my partner has a friend that I really don't get along with, and the friction is interfering with our relationship a bit. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts and make things right, though. But in the meantime I'm down on myself for not playing nice/being respectful more.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Kiith Soban (?) » Tue Jan 02, 2018 7:51 pm

Hey, I'm back. I self-exiled for a while, for reasons I'd rather not talk about here, and since RUSP was the thread in which I posted the most (and the one which was most valuable to me, personally), I think I have a duty to give an update. Just so the people who kindly helped me won't feel like they put their efforts into nothing.

I don't know if you could say I'm no longer depressed, but I'm getting there, inch by inch. As usual, my biggest source of stress is school - last semester, I almost got expelled, because I'm doing my Master's, and you're not allowed to fail a class in it. The stress almost made me breakdown, but it also forced me to reevaluate how I deal with physics. That was a big deal, given that advancing the knowledge of physics is pretty much my life's goal.

To be exact (and I hope this will be helpful to someone else), I was afraid that doing physics as a job, like any other, would make it boring, and eventually I'd start to hate it. I countered this in a really childish way: I only studied when I felt like it and never pushed myself, and I basically treated physics like a videogame, that you can drop when you're not interested anymore.

That was all because I had an overly simple, dualistic view of work and leisure. I thought something could be either work or leisure, but not both, and that work is unpleasant and forced, while leisure is natural and uncommitted. I never thought that maybe something could have elements of both. When I realized this, I was able to give up the fear of turning the thing I love the most into another dreary job. It's a job, sure, with responsibilities and everything, but one that I can love and appreciate.

Just getting these things figured out has helped my emotional stability. I feel like I understand what I want to do in life better now, and I haven't gotten uncontrollably angry in many months, which is a first for me. It's not perfect, but I think I'm starting to approach something that could be called mental health.

Anyway, enough about that. In July 2017, I traveled on my own to the Netherlands. That was a scary experience, since I'd traveled many times, but never by myself, but it went really smoothly. Angry Critter (formerly Snakebite) and I had been texting each other, and we agreed that I'd stay in her apartment in Amersfoort. It was cramped, but we managed. The trip itself was life-changing, not just because I was away from my parents, but because Snakebite and I got to know each other much better than we could've done through text. After I came home, we realized we wanted to be in a relationship with each other, and so we did. We had our problems and our rocky spots, but we got past those, and I think our relationship is really solid at this point.

Now I'm working towards finishing my Master's and moving to the Netherlands. The country itself has an incredible amount of research in quantum information, so I'm really excited. I loved Amersfoort as well, and I think I'll adapt to it... if I manage to get into a PhD program there. My supervisor thinks I can, though, and he seems willing to help me, so we'll see how it goes. It's going to be very stressful, but I think I can make it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Angry Critter (?) » Tue Jan 02, 2018 11:34 pm

I'm really proud of you and your progress, Kei. <3

And thank you for being there for me. I'll be there for you, too. :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:59 am

I'm glad you two are doing well, and will hopefully continue to do well together. It's definitely nice to hear from you. I wish you all the best!

---

Have you ever had something that you really wanted to do, that you feel you have to do, but you just can't do it? That's the way my whole life feels right now. Every moment I'm not at work is spent thinking "You know, you should write something right now," and then I just don't. I spend my time with meaningless distractions instead. Hell, I could be writing right now, but instead I'm just posting about how I wish I could write. Why is this so hard? Why am I so afraid of even writing for myself with no one to judge it? I can't wrap my head around the problem, and that prevents me from performing any of the usual analytical thought that I usually use to sort out my mental problems. I just have this enigmatic block in my head I can't get rid of, and it's frustrating as hell.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:21 am

Glad to hear from you again, Kiith, and especially glad to hear about such solid progress and positive developments on your end! Your goals sound fantastic and I really hope things work out. Moving to another continent is rough as hell, I've seen that first-hand, but don't let the obstacles deter you from trying. Language barriers and bureaucratic garbage can be overcome as long as you stay smart and dedicated and get all the help you need whenever you need it. We couldn't have made Fontra's move work without reaching out and asking questions and having allies on our side. Definitely stay in touch with your study advisor and figure out the steps you need to take with your studies and anything beyond to make it. It's tough, but it's possible.

Sending lots of good thoughts and strength to you and Critter. I really hope you make it. :hug:
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