RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:27 am

Mr. Big wrote:
Thu Dec 26, 2019 3:44 am
I'll likely regret writing all of this in the morning, but I wanted to at least let it all out before I went to sleep.
You might be surprised at not regretting it. In my experience, writing out my troubles has always helped put them into perspective, even if there's no particular advice to be given regarding them. I think it's easier to figure out how to deal with what's bothering you when they're words on a screen that you can go back and read rather than something you're feeling at that moment.

As for the rest of your post, this part in particular stood out to me:
Mr. Big wrote:
Thu Dec 26, 2019 3:44 am
And a lot of this is my fault. Hearing people after people tell me I'm very closed-in emotionally just made me regret my life's choices. Like maybe I would have achieved my life's goals earlier if I made better choices, rather than having to drag through this in your 30s (and maybe beyond).
I've often felt regret over what I have felt were years of my life wasted between when I dropped out of school in 2010 and when I went back in 2016, and then the three more years it took until I graduated a couple weeks ago. Learning to focus on the future is what's helped me the most. It's like, I know I spent six years basically doing nothing for myself, but there's still a path forward in life no matter what. Society expects that I "should" have graduated years ago and such, but those expectations do not account for a single bit of variance in personal experience.

As long as you have a way of going forward in life, please do your best to focus on that. Your previous actions have affected where you are now, but you can always choose what you'll do next. This isn't always easy; I still have to convince myself that I'm worth it every single time I look at job openings and even think of applying, as an example of an internal problem, or externally you mentioned the client you lost. You do not have to face these alone, though. We're all here to hear your troubles and provide advice (and possibly more tangible aid when we can) through tough times. Knowing that is why I've been glad to see that you have opened up lately.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Dec 26, 2019 4:36 pm

Perrydotto wrote:
Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:03 am
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:27 am
Thanks y'all :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Dec 28, 2019 12:32 am

I’ve been doing really fucking bad ever since the rug got pulled out from under me last week. I’m so goddamn tired of everything. I’m hesitant to talk to anyone because I’m so down that I know it’ll just make me unpleasant and grating.

All I cans think about is that I want to either start drinking or die, neither of which will help anyone. I don’t know how to deal with hellworld any more.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat Dec 28, 2019 10:06 am

Rooting for you, Madeline!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Dec 28, 2019 9:36 pm

One of my sister's best friends passed away in a car accident over a week ago, and I did not learn of this or how it has completely wrecked her until literally tonight because I'm an inconsiderate shut-in asshole who can't be bothered to involve themselves in the lives of the people I rely on to live and function in the small amount I do. What the hell am I even doing?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:29 am

Fwiw I do not blame you for that. I've missed several of loved ones's deaths. You can't be expected to keep tabs on everyone and everything. Keep your sister close if you're able and treat her and yourself with kindness and compassion.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:06 pm

On a downside, cripping loneliness is still affecting me. It's not unusual for me to cry myself to sleep and last night was no exception.

On an upside, I managed to avoid stress-eating last night, and isn't panicking and acting paranoid if I realized I made a minor boo-boo over something.

Baby steps, I guess...

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Jan 01, 2020 3:34 pm

I called a suicide prevention hotline today. Not because I plan on harming myself, but more because I feel like I'm out of options, am completely alone, and just needed to talk with someone emotionally available and properly trained, since I only get one hour a week with my therapist at best. Unfortunately the whole talk was a bust. The person I talked to didn't have any new ideas or advice. I'm not sure why I thought they would, to be honest, but I'm just getting desperate at this point. It's just so frustrating when anything anyone can ever tell me boils down to "I know this is really hard, but have you tried [some thing I've tried a million times already with zero success]?" What am I even supposed to do at this point? Medication hasn't helped, coping skills barely function, and I don't have the resources or locations available to me to have even the slightest semblance of a social life. Every bit of research I've done just says the same things over and over. The consensus on how to treat people like me is set, but it doesn't work on me. I don't get to live even a mediocre life with the occasional spot of joy, because fuck me, no other reason. At this point the only thing I haven't tried is something drastic like ECT, but every single person in my life, doctors included, is very wary of that option, and for good reason as far as I can tell. Am I supposed to just accept that this is how I'm going to be forever? Conventional wisdom says giving up is bad, but struggling for years upon years on end without the slightest bit of success or relief sometimes seems like it causes more pain than it prevents.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Jan 02, 2020 2:34 pm

Made a first step to therapy, asking a local center if they take my insurance (waiting to hear back on that). My anxiety's beating me up right now so seemed like a good time.

Only real progress, so far, is that I at least recognized that my anxiety is an anxiety.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Fri Jan 03, 2020 4:42 am

That's an important step forward. Rooting for you. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Jan 03, 2020 4:16 pm

Perrydotto wrote:
Fri Jan 03, 2020 4:42 am
That's an important step forward. Rooting for you. :flutterunsmith:
Thank you! :hug:

Been asking around verifying if they take my insurance. If not, I'm gonna ask if they take sliding scale payments.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Jan 05, 2020 7:08 pm

Really not doing too well tonight. Just really lonely with no way to remedy it. Text chat is too impersonal to really be supportive past a certain point. I guess I just have to live with it as usual, but it's getting tougher by the day.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Mon Jan 06, 2020 1:34 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Sun Jan 05, 2020 7:08 pm
Really not doing too well tonight. Just really lonely with no way to remedy it. Text chat is too impersonal to really be supportive past a certain point. I guess I just have to live with it as usual, but it's getting tougher by the day.
I wish I could do something to help. :fluttersmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Tue Jan 07, 2020 12:41 pm

Found a clinic close to my town that offers walk-in therapy service. They have a sliding scale fee that's very much within my price-range. Figure this is a good start.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Octavia (?) » Wed Jan 08, 2020 1:59 pm

I took a picture of a sheet that my therapist gave me to catch myself when I'm having unhealthy thought patterns. It's really helped me whenever I encounter a problem that would typically cause me to spiral.

Image

An example recently: I was making chili in my slow cooker, when suddenly I heard a pop and the cooker turned off. Apparently I had pinched the power cord into the slow cooker, it melted, and shorted out. My immediate reaction was how stupid that was, how I shouldn't have done it and how I should have noticed I had pinched the cord, which is a should statement. I can't go back in time to change what I did, so should statements do nothing of value other than make me feel worse. Next, I thought about how it was my late grandmother's slow cooker that I broke for no reason, I could've permanently ruined the electricity in our home or even worse, burned the house down. I was catastrophizing. The old slow cooker was nostalgic, but it really was simple compared to modern technology and I just went on Amazon and got a really nice new one for $60. It was on my quartz countertop, which had zero chance of catching on fire, and all I had to do to fix the outlets was flip the breaker switch. So it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Finally, I was really hard on myself over making such a stupid and preventable mistake. But if it were my partner who did the same thing, I wouldn't be nearly as hard on him, which is a double standard.

Using this sheet to identify unhealthy thought patterns has been a great way for me to stop myself from spiraling when something happens, so I'm hoping it will help some people in here as well.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fontra (?) » Wed Jan 08, 2020 2:39 pm

Octavia wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 1:59 pm
I took a picture of a sheet that my therapist gave me to catch myself when I'm having unhealthy thought patterns. It's really helped me whenever I encounter a problem that would typically cause me to spiral.

Image

An example recently: I was making chili in my slow cooker, when suddenly I heard a pop and the cooker turned off. Apparently I had pinched the power cord into the slow cooker, it melted, and shorted out. My immediate reaction was how stupid that was, how I shouldn't have done it and how I should have noticed I had pinched the cord, which is a should statement. I can't go back in time to change what I did, so should statements do nothing of value other than make me feel worse. Next, I thought about how it was my late grandmother's slow cooker that I broke for no reason, I could've permanently ruined the electricity in our home or even worse, burned the house down. I was catastrophizing. The old slow cooker was nostalgic, but it really was simple compared to modern technology and I just went on Amazon and got a really nice new one for $60. It was on my quartz countertop, which had zero chance of catching on fire, and all I had to do to fix the outlets was flip the breaker switch. So it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Finally, I was really hard on myself over making such a stupid and preventable mistake. But if it were my partner who did the same thing, I wouldn't be nearly as hard on him, which is a double standard.

Using this sheet to identify unhealthy thought patterns has been a great way for me to stop myself from spiraling when something happens, so I'm hoping it will help some people in here as well.
Thanks. This is really helpful.

I definitely have a hard time with the "magical thinking" especially the "wishing I was more wealthy" part. At the same time, I really am convinced my life would be a lot better if I had more money especially since so many of my issues right now are money-related so it gets hard to break that kind of thinking.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Jan 08, 2020 2:44 pm

I think with magical thinking it can really help to figure out how much of it is tied to a real issue and how much of it is deflection/projection. Like, would everything be better if whatever your magical thinking desires was fulfilled, or would you keep moving the goalposts on yourself? Everyone is different, but for instance for you and me, I know we are financially pretty okay. It could absolutely be better, and it will get better, but we are doing pretty well. If you'd ask me, I wouldn't call any of our most pressing issues money-related. You said otherwise. I think it's worthwhile to figure out what the magical thinking is truly coming from and which issues it speaks to.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Jan 08, 2020 4:32 pm

Oh gosh, "magical thinking" is something I have trouble with.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:58 pm

Fontra wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 2:39 pm
I definitely have a hard time with the "magical thinking" especially the "wishing I was more wealthy" part. At the same time, I really am convinced my life would be a lot better if I had more money especially since so many of my issues right now are money-related so it gets hard to break that kind of thinking.
Maybe why that's the reason it specifically defines magical thinking as the idea that some nebulous "everything" would be better with X.

IMO it's perfectly reasonable to point at specific, concrete things and say they would be better with money, for example. And it's not wrong to want those things to be better. Otherwise we'd essentially be saying that it's a symptom of psychological illness to observe that, e.g., having access to health care is good.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Jan 09, 2020 5:14 pm

Got back from my first appointment. Mainly just filled out form and answered questions.

Next appointment in 2 weeks.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:13 pm

Not sure where to ask this, but has anyone heard from/of Madeline? I'm worried now.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:18 pm

Bigdog wrote:
Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:13 pm
Not sure where to ask this, but has anyone heard from/of Madeline? I'm worried now.
I haven't heard from her, but she declared her intention to take a break from here on Jan 1, and presumably is doing just that.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Jan 24, 2020 7:45 pm

I'm falling apart right now and I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to about what's going on with me and nobody seems to have any useful advice. I only get an hour a week with my therapist (and she wasn't even available this week so I didn't even get that recently) and it feels like I need three hours twice a week for how short I feel things are cut as I push the limits of the sessions every time. Medication has been useless as usual. My doctor keeps trying new things, but as we move farther and farther from the popular meds, the insurance is getting pickier about what it's approving and how long it takes to approve it. I'm stuck in "pending approval" hell right now so I'm basically powerless.

I'm just out of options completely at this point. I feel like I've tried every single thing every website or article or doctor or anything could possibly suggest and nothing can pull me out of this pit of misery and despair I live in. You don't have to worry about drastic or harmful options, either, because those aren't really options at all, given the collateral damage involved. I just live to suffer at this point and there's not a single thing in this world that can do anything about it. "Learned Helplessness" is something I keep coming across in my desperate research, and while I'm sure that that's part of what's going on with me, it's not exactly simple to deal with, especially when answers aren't readily apparent. It just feels like this will never end short of drastic medical intervention that I guess I'm too stable to ever receive. I hate myself. I hate my life. Nothing I do fucking matters anymore.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Jan 29, 2020 9:25 pm

Today's mood: Cancelling and rescheduling appointments with therapists and peers because you are too depressed to leave bed.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Kiith Soban (?) » Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:39 pm

Hi, I haven't posted here in a while. I'm here to say that I'm a significantly different person from what I was a few years ago, that I was going through a time when I had severe anger issues, and that lead me to say and do certain things that I now regret. If you've seen them, you know them, so I don't think it's necessary to repeat it here. In any case, to keep it short: I wanted to say I'm sincerely sorry, and to thank the people here for the help they provided to me back then. I understand that this kind of thing can't be fixed with just a forum post, and in fact might not be fixable at all, so I'm going to keep my distance from this community and leave you in peace. I think that would be best for everyone involved.

I understand that this is an uncomfortable situation, so if nobody says otherwise, I'll assume that people agree that I should stay away, which is completely understandable. I'd also be open to participating here again, but again, only if people are comfortable with it and want it.

Also, I guess it's kinda cowardly to say this here, in what's meant to be a safe space, but I didn't really know where else to put this.

Edit: To reiterate, I truly regret what I did, I would not do anything remotely like that now, and I like to think that I've done a lot in terms of personal growth and anger management. That said, I understand that some breaches of trust are basically permanent. This post was written mostly to get some closure on this, and I kept it brief because it wasn't very easy to open up an old wound.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Cthulhu Inc (?) » Mon Mar 30, 2020 2:17 pm

Kiith Soban wrote:
Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:39 pm
Hi, I haven't posted here in a while. I'm here to say that I'm a significantly different person from what I was a few years ago, that I was going through a time when I had severe anger issues, and that lead me to say and do certain things that I now regret. If you've seen them, you know them, so I don't think it's necessary to repeat it here. In any case, to keep it short: I wanted to say I'm sincerely sorry, and to thank the people here for the help they provided to me back then. I understand that this kind of thing can't be fixed with just a forum post, and in fact might not be fixable at all, so I'm going to keep my distance from this community and leave you in peace. I think that would be best for everyone involved.

I understand that this is an uncomfortable situation, so if nobody says otherwise, I'll assume that people agree that I should stay away, which is completely understandable. I'd also be open to participating here again, but again, only if people are comfortable with it and want it.

Also, I guess it's kinda cowardly to say this here, in what's meant to be a safe space, but I didn't really know where else to put this.

Edit: To reiterate, I truly regret what I did, I would not do anything remotely like that now, and I like to think that I've done a lot in terms of personal growth and anger management. That said, I understand that some breaches of trust are basically permanent. This post was written mostly to get some closure on this, and I kept it brief because it wasn't very easy to open up an old wound.
I've been with you every step of your journey and I'm so proud of how far you've come. When I said that the anti-Semetic remark that guy made made me uncomfortable and you supported me and helped me call him out—I have a hard time imagining you having done that five years ago. :allears:

Who knows what the future will bring? :-D
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Demeh (?) » Mon Mar 30, 2020 4:45 pm

Good to hear that you've worked on some issues, dude. I hope things are going well for you, now.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Tue Apr 14, 2020 5:57 pm

I just had a reaction to something, and I'm wondering what are the right ways to use words like "trigger"?

If Dictionary.com is to be believed,
Triggers are anything that remind someone of previous trauma. To be triggered is to have an intense emotional or physical reaction, such as a panic attack, after encountering a trigger.
I had a reaction, and something arguably reminded me of previous trauma. But I don't know if I'd use the word "intense", and it certainly wasn't nearly as strong as a panic attack. I think in the worst cases, a related thing could cause an intense reaction in me. So would I say "I just had a minor reaction to a trigger, but I was not triggered that time."?

Anyone feel confident about the vocab or have a better place for me to read? Thanks for any help.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Angry Critter (?) » Sun Apr 19, 2020 8:42 am

Hey Kiith, I think you're great :3

Perpetual Motion: Similar situations here. Sucks. I hope you get some good support around you other than your appointments.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Kiith Soban (?) » Tue May 19, 2020 9:14 pm

Pretty late, but... thanks, guys. Things are a bit better now, and I've got plans for after the quarantine ends and the borders open, so they'll get better after that.
diribigal wrote:
Tue Apr 14, 2020 5:57 pm
I just had a reaction to something, and I'm wondering what are the right ways to use words like "trigger"?

If Dictionary.com is to be believed,


I had a reaction, and something arguably reminded me of previous trauma. But I don't know if I'd use the word "intense", and it certainly wasn't nearly as strong as a panic attack. I think in the worst cases, a related thing could cause an intense reaction in me. So would I say "I just had a minor reaction to a trigger, but I was not triggered that time."?

Anyone feel confident about the vocab or have a better place for me to read? Thanks for any help.
I've only ever seen the word "trigger" used in the context of PTSD. I've also seen the word being qualified ("this triggers my PTSD badly" or "this is a mild trigger"). Someone more qualified could correct me, but I'm pretty sure you could say "this triggers my PTSD a bit" or something similar.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri May 22, 2020 10:46 pm

Hello everyone, I guess I’ll give a brief update. I’m doing the best I can to cope but I’ve had some rough days lately. I’m on a new mix of meds but the Wellbutrin has kicked my insomnia into overdrive over the last month. Often I have no energy or ability to do much of anything as a consequence. I did manage to lose 20 pounds over the course of the lockdown, which is good, as I wasn’t sure I could pursue fitness goals easily in the house.

Everything is terrifying and A Lot lately, but I’m doing my best to hang in there and make it from one day to the next. Had an uncle die from COVID-19, but I suppose that’s not surprising since he’d been in bad health for years. I hadn’t spoken to him in over 25 years and we were never close, but it was still sad.

If anyone wonders why I wander away so much, I suppose it’s because I didn’t know that people thought I was an SAS goon named Paperback Writer, all because I couldn’t think of a username, and I’ve always felt horrible about it. I am trying to let go of all the guilt, bitterness, and anger that I carry around, because I know it will be better for me in the long run, but it’s been rough going with all the bullshit that 2020 has thrown at us.

I hope you folks are doing okay.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sun May 24, 2020 1:56 am

Late but welcome back, Madeline!

Sorry about your uncle. Sending good vibes

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Sun May 24, 2020 10:07 am

Madeline wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 10:46 pm
If anyone wonders why I wander away so much, I suppose it’s because I didn’t know that people thought I was an SAS goon named Paperback Writer, all because I couldn’t think of a username, and I’ve always felt horrible about it. I am trying to let go of all the guilt, bitterness, and anger that I carry around, because I know it will be better for me in the long run, but it’s been rough going with all the bullshit that 2020 has thrown at us.
I'm glad that you're still here with us. These are tough times for which virtually no equivalent exists in living memory, but that doesn't mean we have to face them alone.

And kiith, I'm glad to see you again and feeling better, too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun May 24, 2020 10:45 pm

:flutterunsmith: thank you

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Mon Jun 29, 2020 12:21 pm

These days I've found that thinking about whether or not I'll be able to get a job and "make it" is so stressful that it can make me feel utter despair. Last night I thought about that and I went into an episode where, for a few hours, all I felt was hopelessness to the point of considering suicide. In these episodes I become convinced that I'll never be worth hiring, that I'm a failure and might as well give up now, that I won't be missed if I were gone. They usually last for 3-4 hours at a time and these days I tend to have them about once every two weeks. When I'm in the middle of one, nothing I do makes me feel better; all I can do is wait it out or go to bed.

Last night was different because, somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized what was happening and it felt like I was able to hold on just a tiny little bit. Arguing with myself was pointless since no matter what I considered ("I'm living through some of society's worst conditions ever, worse than anyone alive remembers. Employers can forgive such extraordinary circumstances for this gap on my resume." "If I died, I'd hurt dozens of family members who care about me in their own way, and my friends online would miss me even if they never knew for sure what happened." "Even if I can't recognize it right now, I must have some special talent that makes me worth it to my friends, that I could apply out in the real world."), the only response I could give myself was that it's all hopeless and that it wasn't worth being alive. Nothing I did could get me out from under that, but I didn't do much, either (in fact, this is the first I'm telling anyone else about this, assuming someone reads this post :-I); I mostly alternated between lying down and pacing back and forth, stewing in my thoughts.

When it ended it was the strangest feeling, like I had finally wriggled out from under an enormous weight that was pinning me down. It was just going back to how I normally feel, but that practically seemed euphoric vs. the despair I was in. I'm writing all this down and posting it in hopes that it helps me remember what happened so that I can better handle it if it happens again. And if anyone out there has experiences like this, maybe it will help you too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:26 pm

The main thing that makes me want to keep living right now isn't so much the fact that I don't own a gun or similar (though the lack of means does help), but more the thought that if I did take my own life, I'd regret it. I've heard enough stories of survivors who, the moment they jumped off that bridge or threw themselves onto the train tracks or whatever else, immediately realized just how temporary their problems are and how much they still had going for themselves.

I think I can tell what my one problem is; it's that I find the process of searching for jobs and trying to get an interview terrifying, since I'm certain I am worth little as an employee and that there's always someone better for any given job out there, and as such I put off sending out applications until I'm under serious duress and likely do even worse for it. (I've only sent out three job applications since graduating, two of which were before the pandemic hit in mid-March.) I feel like it must not be impossible to get past this, but it seems like such a big block in front of anything else I'd want to do in life that the only other option is to die... but then I'd be giving up on everything else.

Knowing that, I suppose the first step is to address why the job-hunting process gives me such severe anxiety. I know full well everything I learned in school and even learned how to write that all out on a resume, but I feel like what worries me more is knowing just how much more there is to learn, even just within the tech world, like I have just enough perspective to start to know how much I do not know. (If that makes any sense.) I think it's knowing that there are so many of those unknown unknowns that makes me feel like I'm not worth it for anything I could possibly apply for, especially knowing also that we have suddenly been plunged into what looks like an even worse recession than 10 years ago. So why even try? Because, I suppose, the value of everything else in life must outweigh the cost of getting a job necessary to live, even if just barely. But it's still a serious struggle for me.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Tue Jun 30, 2020 5:19 pm

It is interesting how much the notions of "success" and "failure" are ingrained in us, isn't it? Even small children taunt others on the playground by calling them "losers". As if you're only worth something if you accomplish something. Accomplish what? Well as soon as you find success the goalposts will shift. This way of thinking is very dangerous, and I'm all too familiar with it.

Your posts resonated with me because I've been through it as well, and especially the part where you said you didn't want to hurt yourself because you don't want to hurt others hit me like a brick.

I've been very close to committing suicide in the past. Last time was back in 2014, the year that was a big turning point for me. I actually got closer than ever before. It's somewhat of an unwritten maritime law, that when you want to kill yourself by jumping overboard you tie your shoes to the railing, so that when you turn up missing the other crew'll quickly find out what you did and they won't waste time searching for you around the ship. I did that, and I sat on the railing, looked into the dark water (it was at night), and there was just one thing holding me back: the realisation how tremendous my mother's grief would be if not only were I to kill myself, but on top of that deprive her of a body to bury. I didn't kill myself. I got repatriated, spent 6 month at home in therapy, and now I'm back again working at sea, for six years already. Six years that were filled with difficult times, but also with good times that I am glad I didn't miss. I've grown as a person. If you commit suicide, you don't only kill the person you are, but also the person you could have become.

Not to say that I'm never depressed again. On the contrary. The thought of suicide flashes through my mind on a daily basis, multiple times a day sometimes. It doesn't help that I have a preferred method that I'm a bit obsessed with, and in such times I very vividly imagine myself carrying it out. But what always helps me get through these episodes is to recall myself sitting on that railing, the utter grief I felt, in that moment, that the people close to me would have to bear if I were to actually take my life.

It's interesting, isn't it? That only the thought of others suffering would hold me back. But in that thought, or feeling, or whatever you might call it, lies enclosed maybe the slightest indication of self-worth, the tiniest sliver of realisation that I mean at least something to others, that my being in this world matters to them; a notion I'd be quick to dispute but which, evidently, is nonetheless present within me.

I'm rather successful in my professional life, although I always feel inadequate. Like you said: the more you know, the greater the understanding of what you don't know. What is "value" then, what is "worth"? It's purely subjective. It's a hollow verbalisation, saying more about the observer than the subject.

If I call myself "worthless", it says something about me-observer, not much about me-subject.

I should learn to observe better. But how do I do that when all I learned about how to observe was taught from within a system that values "value"? That conditions us from childhood that you're only worthy if you're "worth" something?

The simple fact that we are alive should be enough to deserve that life.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:00 pm

I don't have as much time as I'd like to post, but I want to respond to some of what Fizzbuzz said about job hiring, especially from the position of someone who's done both a fair amount of hiring and in part as someone who's done a fair amount of research into how hiring works in the tech world.

My personal style of thinking through things/cheering myself up is to focus on how much good can still be said even if we grant negative assumptions, but I realize this doesn't work for everyone, so I'll try to emphasize both perspectives.
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:26 pm
I'm certain I am worth little as an employee...knowing just how much more there is to learn
Of course you're worth little as an employee, you haven't had the training and fresh experience that any new employee at job X would get in the first days/weeks/months on the job. Every employee in very many fields is worth little until they learn on the job, even if they've worked a similar job before.

But the question an employer will ask is not "is this person already worth something as an employee", but "do I see evidence that they could gain sufficient value in the position?" For you personally, you said something that gives you a huge leg up compared to a lot of potential candidates in that regard:
I know full well everything I learned in school and even learned how to write that all out on a resume
That puts you ahead of so many applicants!
---
and that there's always someone better for any given job out there...feel like I'm not worth it
Of course there is someone better, but they're not applying to every job at every point in time and applicants aren't judged objectively so that doesn't matter much.

You're not competing with everyone who might be interested in a particular type of job at once. You're competing with small groups who happen to apply to a posting around the same time, and ideally you're competing on many different fronts if you apply to many different postings. And even in the worst case where, say, multiple competitors would certainly be better fits for every position, you're not competing in an objective way. A lot of random factors like how they phrased their resume, how the person doing the interview is feeling that day, etc. all come into play to randomize things. Even a bad job market just means it might take more rolls to win the dice game, not that there's not room for you.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Jun 30, 2020 11:12 pm

Skipper wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 5:19 pm
It's interesting, isn't it? That only the thought of others suffering would hold me back. But in that thought, or feeling, or whatever you might call it, lies enclosed maybe the slightest indication of self-worth, the tiniest sliver of realisation that I mean at least something to others, that my being in this world matters to them; a notion I'd be quick to dispute but which, evidently, is nonetheless present within me.
That really is true. I've noticed that, during my darkest moments, I'll keep telling myself that I won't be missed; my parents and other family members won't have to worry about if I can find a job anymore, and to my friends online I'd maybe look like just another person online who drifted away. That's utterly ridiculous, since I know my family would rather have me succeed than die, and if I mysteriously vanished from the forums and Discord one day, people would likely eventually guess what happened (especially knowing my history). But I've heard that suicidal people will try to convince themselves of exactly that, even to the point of sometimes antagonizing their friends and loved ones in hopes of driving others away so that others will be glad they're dead.

I suppose I do not need to look far to see that I'm still cared about. You both cared to respond to what I wrote, as well as others who responded in private, and that's not even counting all those who listen to me elsewhere in the community. Even the greatest work I've done (years of service on the staff of BronyCon) was because of someone else here who believed in me and encouraged me to join. In bad times, I look back at all that and figure that theoretically, someone else could do all that, in some combination or another. But I guess it's the way I do it all, the way that I am, that makes me worth it to others.
diribigal wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:00 pm
Of course there is someone better, but they're not applying to every job at every point in time and applicants aren't judged objectively so that doesn't matter much.

You're not competing with everyone who might be interested in a particular type of job at once. You're competing with small groups who happen to apply to a posting around the same time, and ideally you're competing on many different fronts if you apply to many different postings. And even in the worst case where, say, multiple competitors would certainly be better fits for every position, you're not competing in an objective way. A lot of random factors like how they phrased their resume, how the person doing the interview is feeling that day, etc. all come into play to randomize things. Even a bad job market just means it might take more rolls to win the dice game, not that there's not room for you.
And I suppose what I wrote applies even when it comes to getting a job, too. I guess the difference is that it's something I have to do, lest I end up homeless or anything. I know that when I do look at job listings, I'll ignore anything that doesn't seem like a perfect match, then when I do apply for the one out of a hundred that's just right, I often get no response back. As you say, in a whole lot of cases it could be just plain bad luck or something otherwise completely out of my control that caused my application to be ignored, but in the past I've always taken it personally, and thus have felt worse for it.

I never ask friends if their companies are hiring since I always worry if, should I make it to an interview and then not get the job for whatever reason, that would make said friend look worse for it. So, the most I end up doing is making indirect mentions of the fact that I'm looking for work, hoping others will notice. But now that I write that out, what I'm doing seems somewhere between rude and just plain pathetic. Maybe that's not nearly as big a deal as I'm making it out to be...
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Wed Jul 01, 2020 12:17 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 11:12 pm
But I've heard that suicidal people will try to convince themselves of exactly that, even to the point of sometimes antagonizing their friends and loved ones in hopes of driving others away so that others will be glad they're dead.
Oof. Yeah. In the past I’ve been an asshole to people I cared about with that sole purpose in mind. I still feel guilty about it sometimes.
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 11:12 pm

I suppose I do not need to look far to see that I'm still cared about.
I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I would miss you if you were gone.
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 11:12 pm

I never ask friends if their companies are hiring since I always worry if, should I make it to an interview and then not get the job for whatever reason, that would make said friend look worse for it. So, the most I end up doing is making indirect mentions of the fact that I'm looking for work, hoping others will notice. But now that I write that out, what I'm doing seems somewhere between rude and just plain pathetic. Maybe that's not nearly as big a deal as I'm making it out to be...
I wouldn’t call it pathetic. But ineffective maybe. Most people are involved with their own things going on and probably wouldn’t even pick up on it. Why not give it a more direct shot? If a friend of mine asked me that I wouldn’t find it weird or be put off by it. Worst they can say is, “we’re not hiring right now”, right?

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