RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Jul 05, 2020 11:01 pm

Been horribly depressed all weekend. I’m not really interested in anything I look at or do, and I think people can tell because most of them have stopped talking to me online. It’s got to be hard ro deal with, from the outside.

Also I’m trying to taper off the clonazepam. I made a huge mess with the pill cutter, so there was blue crap all over the bar. I also can’t really shake those feelings of existential despair, because hellworld. Even when I try to shut it out I can’t, because to shut it out I basically have to never leave my bedroom and never go online or see the TV downstairs, and since I do chores, doing all of that is impossible. It’s hard when people are depending on me and I have nothing left to give, but I feel like I have to keep up a positive facade everywhere I go so people won’t want to avoid me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if people could see through that.

Knowing I’m neurodivergent now doesn’t really help, because the thought of having to be taught how to read other people and other things just saps all the energy from my body. I just wish people would leave me alone sometimes and let me have some quiet. I haven’t gotten to be by myself for more than an hour at a time since 2018. I just want to live my life.

edit: I know I’m probably just overthinking everything and catastrophizing again. I just can’t stop feeling sad lately.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:33 pm

Madeline wrote:
Sun Jul 05, 2020 11:01 pm
edit: I know I’m probably just overthinking everything and catastrophizing again. I just can’t stop feeling sad lately.
That doesn't make your problems any less valid, though. At least you're recognizing what you're doing and can tell when you're having a bad time.

I wish I had some useful means of helping you live on your own. If our hellworld stops being quite so hellish, maybe that'll be doable again.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Jul 07, 2020 10:08 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote:
Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:33 pm
That doesn't make your problems any less valid, though. At least you're recognizing what you're doing and can tell when you're having a bad time.

I wish I had some useful means of helping you live on your own. If our hellworld stops being quite so hellish, maybe that'll be doable again.
It’s okay. It’s hard on everybody right now. We’re all just doing what we can. At least I’ve been able to budge my dad on some of his opinions and he no longer sees my politics as “the enemy.” Meanwhile I’m tapering off the clonazepam and my prozac dosage got doubled to help, so I’m not feeling quite as bad today. Just physically exhausted because I haven’t gotten more than an hour of sleep for the last three days each. I’m sure that didn’t help.

I’ve been reading your posts and I hope you can keep reflecting on your thoughts as well. I’d miss you if you weren’t here.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:11 am

Had a really bad setback yesterday (and for the last week really). I think it’s rime to take a self-care day/weekend/whatever.

also, lol that it resulted in me being put back on the clonazepam :-I

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:19 am

Take all the time off you need. It's good you recognize when you need self-care time off!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:23 am

Mr. Big wrote:
Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:19 am
Take all the time off you need. It's good you recognize when you need self-care time off!
:hug:

It’s something I need to do more often. Also, the unexpected side benefit is that I can try some shows I haven’t seen, like Amphibia or Tuca & Bertie.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Fri Jul 31, 2020 12:20 pm

Tuca & Bertie is good stuff. Take all the time you need for self-care. I'm rooting for you! :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Aug 01, 2020 12:06 pm

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Fri Jul 31, 2020 12:20 pm
Tuca & Bertie is good stuff. Take all the time you need for self-care. I'm rooting for you! :hug:
:flutterunsmith: love you

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sat Aug 01, 2020 12:08 pm

:flutterunsmith: love you too
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:24 pm

you ever wake up and see something that makes you realize that you’re an emotionally unavailable piece of shit four days after a suicidal crisis where someone should have put you in a hospital and they didn’t and you’re not really sure why?

that’s where I’m at right now.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Aug 04, 2020 12:09 am

You are not a piece of shit, Madeline. It's not like a crisis like that is just something you get over in a jiffy.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Aug 04, 2020 3:17 pm

welp I’m self-destructing hard now. I’ve been banned from at least 3 places in the last month, it might be 4 soon or already, and I’ve set my life on fire

all because I read 1 post. 1. post.

I never change or get better. I am shit.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Aug 04, 2020 3:24 pm

You are not shit! Why would you get banned from this fourth place? From what I've seen you've done nothing wrong.

Recovery is not a straight road. You've gotten pretty far. This is a setback, yes, but one we can back on track from. I love you.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Aug 04, 2020 3:27 pm

if I’ve made you feel bad, I am objectively a shit person. you are way better than I am.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Aug 04, 2020 3:29 pm

Don't say that. I am not better than you.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Aug 12, 2020 7:46 am

I do some scanlations regularly and fell out of the habit for a few weeks. I had trouble going back to it both because of general overcoming my inertia (difficulties with the executive function of initiation) and because I was worried people would be mad at me for stopping. But I was able to push myself to get back to it recently, which I feel good about.

But I wonder from a mental health standpoint if that matters - if this is something I can improve significantly on, or if the lesson should've been "should've reached out to support for external pressure to overcome the inertia. That's the habit you need to cultivate."

I think I'm going to try again to make my therapist more useful or leave. Now it's being done virtually I don't have the same issue of him being the only one near my work or home.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:29 pm

I don’t deserve any help or sympathy, I’m a lying sack of shit who never went to the hospital for help last month and was therefore startled and frightened to have a cop show up becauae it means someone, somewhere doxed me again. I’m not actively looking for therapy. My psychiatrist dumped me over the billing dispute and I’m going cold turkey off some of my pills and my doctor can’t see me until next fucking month. I told my girlfriend all of this and no matter what she says I’m sure she hates me now because she is cold. And I deserve it. I deserve to be hated. I set out to fuck up my life today because someone made me cry and I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. I wanted someone to hate me so I could feel justified in hating myself and I did it. I fucking suck. I hate myself for hating myself and for being pure human trash.

I‘m human trash and I hate being alive. just perma me or whatever, I don’t care about anything any more any way. I’m just going to keep being alive purely to avoid upsetting my mom again.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:50 pm

I do not hate you. I'm sorry you're going through all that. I'm still here for you.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Aug 27, 2020 12:49 am

Princess Flufflebutt wrote:
Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:50 pm
I do not hate you. I'm sorry you're going through all that. I'm still here for you.
I’m so sorry that I did all of that and I am in a better spot now.

As proof of how she is awesome:

—she helped me come up with a reasonable plan
—I can talk to my doctor and see what she can do to help
—I have a pdf copy of my DBT workbook, so now I can redo exercises (which I must obviously redo) by just directly sending pages to our printer via an app, no laptop necessary, no fumbling around in image search, I can go right to the appropriate worksheet and print it. I have a hard copy but I did all the worksheets in it so a) getting a pdf is totally justifiable and b) if the publisher’s page was working, legit owners of the book are supposed to have a pdf to reprint this shit anyway.

this is a way better option than scanning a copy and trying to write over old writing with darker ink :-I

also she is going to kick my butt if I don’t do these things. So I can’t just say “oh yeah I did it” so people won’t worry about me and I can sit there spiraling down while watching old episodes of Avatar.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Aug 27, 2020 1:05 am

Happy you have a plan set up! :yay:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Aug 30, 2020 5:34 pm

This has been the worst week I've had since this hell year began, and I want nothing more than to just skip five years into the future to where maybe the cosmic dice have rolled in my favor for once. For context, a few weeks ago I was offered a job as a dishwasher at a local restaurant. Two of my siblings already work there, it's a real chill place with kind people, and it's not owned by a chain or larger corporation. There is literally not a single reasonably obtainable job in the world I can think of that's lower pressure or mentally easier. So I took it. Just a few shifts on the weekends to ease into things and make a little spending money, with the plan of moving back into more involved employment as I built strength and comfort in a work setting.

I started last weekend and almost immediately everything went to hell. The job itself was fine. It was physically demanding, but not beyond my abilities or endurance. But my mind still couldn't take it. After one shift I was having constantly escalating anxiety over the job, and I still can't nail down the exact source. And then a few days ago I just straight up had a panic attack on the job and had to go home early, leaving my co-workers with a bunch of unfinished work that they had to take care of. I talked it over with my boss and he was very sympathetic, and is giving me all the time I need to recover and find better anxiety medications before coming back to the job, so it's not like it's gone forever.

But even so, now I have proof that I am literally useless as a human being and cannot handle even the slightest bit of stress without suffering a complete meltdown. And the emergency anxiety medication I was prescribed for exactly this scenario did absolutely nothing for me. If I couldn't even last three shifts in the simplest job in the world with the most kind and supportive co-workers, then what chance to I stand doing literally anything else? I'm out of moves on the board. Any recovery in my future will be via forces outside of my control. I gave it my all, and once again, it wasn't enough. Now all I can do is suffer and wait indefinitely.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Sep 07, 2020 7:31 pm

worst labor day weekend ever. and that’s counting the one where I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations.

stuck in wait list hell, my personal life sucks, i got a migraine, my parents are full-on Facebook brainwashed now so they’re a lost cause and I’m stuck with them, their retirement plan depends entirely on my mom having Medicare and Social Security so we’ll probably all be homeless again by this time next year because my grandma isn’t alive to bail them out,* constant smoke and ash like a fog from fires.

not really seeing a silver lining to keep me motivated on improving myself here anymore.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 12:05 am

aaaaand back to being such a miserable asshole that nobody wants me anywhere.

fuck humanity. fuck my life.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 12:48 am

That is simply not true. You're not an asshole and there are people who do want you around. Don't let a handful of asshats get you down :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 1:16 am

a handful of asshats including the absentee admin of this site who I thought was one of my best friends for a long time

but no

“don’t push people away” my ass, YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN CONSTANTLY IGNORING ME OR PUSHING ME AWAY FOR YEARS

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 1:21 am

nobody invites me to offsites, or discords, or chats with me. I have ONE friend.

nobody wants me around

because I’m a huge fucking drag on everyone

it’s fine

you’ll never have to worry about it or me again, anywhere

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 1:31 am

and why should anyone like me? I don’t like people like me. I fucking hate people like me. why bother pretending when we’re never going to see each other again, I talk mad shit about anyone who annoys me in real life. I’m an asshole, not some cuddly “uwu” soft twee gatbage. I’m detestable.

people should hate me. I hate most people.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 1:36 am

Madeline, you are not detestable. I know it may seem like people don't like you but that's not true. People shouldn't hate you. You can be caring and good. I wish I could let you see the good within yourself.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 2:09 am

It's very easy to assume that people don't like you when you're isolated and don't have evidence readily available to the contrary. But what you have to understand is that it's very awkward and difficult to approach someone in a mood like yours with support, at least in an online setting where tone has to be inferred and guessed at. So a natural reaction is to give you space. That doesn't mean they hate you or wish you would go away, just that they don't know what they can do to help.

So here's this: I like talking with you and think you're a very smart, passionate, and empathetic person. But depression combined with being very easily able to imagine the emotions of others towards you warps those perceptions so that you can only imagine people having a negative opinion of you. But they don't, and you're always welcome to come and chat with us on Discord to affirm that. You haven't posted there since July, and there wasn't any big blow-up or incident there that would have resulted in people not wanting you back. Don't assume rejection before you receive it, otherwise you'll never find people who haven't and won't reject you. And if you're not comfortable with that, my DMs there are always open if you need someone fresh to talk to.

Just hang in there, alright? This pain will not be forever, even if it's hard to believe at the moment. Be good to yourself. :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 2:44 am

it doesn’t matter, i’ll probably be banned everywhere for being a jerk to someone I cared about and I thought cared about me

i was trying to reach out and instead now I feel like I’ve backslid all the way back to where I was in high school. everything I’ve tried to do to better myself over the last decade tuened out to be a mistake or a failure

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Sep 09, 2020 2:49 am

Has it though? I didn't know you in high school but modern you is nice, empathetic and passionate as stated above.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by The Ghost of Ember (?) » Thu Sep 10, 2020 5:50 pm

My health is in shambles, I have no social skills, my anxiety is spiked and my brain can't feel anything but nothing or sad. My cat just nearly died last week and I had to shell out 2 grand to keep him alive.

Therapy is in house with my medical insurance and broken up by months long wait times for 30 minute sessions.

I don't see a future for myself where I don't grow old alone and miserable with nothing to my name but a slipshod career.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Sep 10, 2020 11:12 pm

ember, I hope you can get the help you deserve.

as for me, I violate people’s trusts in a big way by being cold and rude and prickly and posting personal stuff sll over the place. i don’t feel like I should be part of this or any other community any more or I’ll keep hurting people.

It doesn’t matter that I’m sorry for everything I did and said to everyone over the last few months. It doesn’t even begin to cut it. I’m going to need many more years of therapy before I can even function properly because lord knows the meds don’t work for me at all.

I wish I was doing this on a better note, or that I hadn’t ruined my entire life, or ruined at least two other people’s lives. I don’t know how to fix this kind of damage, or indeed any. I can’t blame anyone else. All the blame is squarely on me.

I’m going to miss having friends and loved ones but I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve anything. I definitely don’t deserve this username because I’m never going to surmount these troubles without help and who would help me now? I wouldn’t even dare ask for any help or compassion.

I’m going to miss you all, even the people I was needlessly ride and mean to and who have good reason to dislike me.

Bye. I hope someday I won’t be broken.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Sep 14, 2020 10:44 pm

well don’t I feel like a complete asshole for making that post.

idk want to do anymore.

not really feeling very motivated to keep talking to people or keep up relationships or trying to make friends or change my behavior any more.

I have nothing to fucking do any more and nowhere left to go. I’d certainly rather not go back to twitter.

this year is a cruel joke on us all.

I feel like the dumbest person on earth.
Last edited by Madeline on Tue Sep 15, 2020 5:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Mon Sep 14, 2020 11:29 pm

Madeline wrote:
Mon Sep 14, 2020 10:44 pm
I can [...] stay here where I’ve pushed away and alienated nearly everyone.
Are you sure about that? I am certain of you being able to stay here, but I don't think you've alienated people here for the troubles you're going through or how you are responding to them.
Madeline wrote:
Mon Sep 14, 2020 10:44 pm
this year is a cruel joke on us all.
This is the absolute truth. In good or even non-terrible times, just getting by in life might be a big accomplishment, depending on someone's circumstances. In 2020, getting by day by day feels like it deserves a gold medal or something. And I can tell you that I am glad to see that you're still here.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Sep 15, 2020 5:44 am

Fizzbuzz wrote:
Mon Sep 14, 2020 11:29 pm
Are you sure about that? I am certain of you being able to stay here, but I don't think you've alienated people here for the troubles you're going through or how you are responding to them.


This is the absolute truth. In good or even non-terrible times, just getting by in life might be a big accomplishment, depending on someone's circumstances. In 2020, getting by day by day feels like it deserves a gold medal or something. And I can tell you that I am glad to see that you're still here.
idk, I’ve been afraid to post in pppp again. i don’t know what to do or say and I’m not funny anyway. I don’t really know what else to post about. I’ve quit watching and reading stuff in general over the last few weeks and now I’m not interested in playing games either.

I was gonna make myself try again but I just don’t care about anything enough to try. same ole depression.

I have a dr’s appointment this week which I was hoping would fix things, considering I can’t get through to my (former?) psychiatrist, but I’m losing hope in that. especially since I haven’t been able to sleep. the only clinic that wants me is last year’s hellclinic, and if I have to get given another packet of coping mechanisms filled with dumb 1%-er boomerisms like “take a long trip to somewhere you’ve never been” I will scream. I can’t go to places that I like going to locally because they’re all on fire and I have no money to go anywhere else, also there’s kind of a pandemic going on. it’s useless.

what I want is to be drunk, but considering how many alcoholics are in my family, that seems like a poor idea.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Factory Factory (?) » Wed Sep 16, 2020 9:02 am

Maddy, we like you and we care about you, and we want you to be happy, so so much. But I don't know how to deal with how determined you are to not like yourself, sometimes. I don't know how to help with that.

Guilt is not your friend here. Cutting yourself off from your community on purpose is the same destructive behavior whether you think you're an asshole (which you are not, except to yourself) or you feel guilty for thinking you're an asshole. Isolation sucks. Don't do that to yourself.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Sep 16, 2020 8:43 pm

I’m sorry. I don’t know how to break it on my own, and I’ve been trying and struggling at therapy for a decade now because I don’t trust people enough. Which just reinforces all the negative stuff.

I am trying. I haven’t found a thing that really works for me yet. I wish so many therapeutic approaches didn’t revolve around homework, which I associate with punishment and self-harm because otherwise I would never do it as a kid or even as an adult. or role playing, which is a thing that sets off bad stuff in my head, in general. I make little lists of positive things to try when I think of them, and sometimes that works, and sometimes I forget to do the things because my short term memory is just gone now. It’s always been bad, but now I forget things almost instantly. So I wrote them down to remember them, but then I don’t always remember to do them.

Just little things like making a cup of caffeine free tea at night, or setting aside time for nature documentaries, or having a certain amount of time to do puzzles every day because it keeps me from thinking about anything but the puzzle (thereby putting hyperfocus to a good use, hopefully). Picross has been great for this but I’ve also been trying jigsaws, crosswords, word searches, sudoku, just a bunch of things. There are plenty of free options online and thankfully some of them work on mobile. I tried reading but right now I can’t read for more than 10 minutes without wanting to do other things. It’s going to be hard to relearn the patience to sit and read for long periods of time. I was able to do it as recently as 2 years ago so I don’t know where it went.

The past two years have been a massive setback. I'm sorry. I am trying to avoid using negative language about myself now to try to make it a habit.

Madeline
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Sep 18, 2020 7:05 am

I don’t suppose it matters. everyone tells me how I’m strong but I always feel like the scared little girl who got assaulted. I’m completely alone and it’s all my ow n fault because I cankt learn to be different and positive

I might as well be dead because nothing’s ever gonna change or get better and the hospital made me worse last time

just ticking out the clock until my heart finally gives up. nobody’s ever going to love me again and even if they did I just flashback. can’t even get a job bringing in shopping carts, I got turned down

hwo can I ever supoort myself or be independent when I can’t do jack shit and hate doing everything

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Fri Sep 18, 2020 7:48 am

Madeline wrote:
Fri Sep 18, 2020 7:05 am
everyone tells me how I’m strong but I always feel like the scared little girl who got assaulted.
This isn't a contradiction at all. 1. Being assaulted isn't your fault and doesn't make you weak. 2. Being scared and/or having flashbacks doesn't make you weak.

On the contrary, the way you keep trying and holding on is genuinely inspiring and evidence of your strength.
it’s all my ow n fault because I cankt learn to be different and positive
Would you tell someone with a broken leg it's their fault they can't run? Would you tell someone who is Deaf it's their fault they can't learn to understand speech audio? Needing support because of a mental or physical issue isn't a matter of fault.
nothing’s ever gonna change
Things seemed to change pretty dramatically for you just a couple months ago. It doesn't seem reasonable to predict there won't be more changes in your future.
can’t even get a job bringing in shopping carts, I got turned down
Getting turned down for one job does not mean you can't get a job, but I appreciate that there might not be too many non-remote jobs accessible to you, if that's the case.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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