RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Snowfire (?) » Fri Sep 18, 2020 8:17 am

diribigal wrote:
Fri Sep 18, 2020 7:48 am
Getting turned down for one job does not mean you can't get a job, but I appreciate that there might not be too many non-remote jobs accessible to you, if that's the case.
This. I had two interviews with places and got turned down before finding the place I'm at now.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:17 am

It’s kind of more like... I don’t want to do any of these things. but I’m afraid my father’s carelessness with money is going to get us into deep shit yet again, especially now that the future somehow looks even bleaker. Also, I need to get out of here somehow and it doesn’t seem possible at the moment. and I feel very upset at myself for wasting the moment in 2013 when people raised money for me because I just could not stand up to my parents and then ended up with most of those people no longer in my life as a result of both that and my behavior patterns. I hate retail, it makes me have breakdowns, but it’s obvious that I’m going to have to suffer just to survive no matter what I do in the coming decade. I have nothing left but spite and a desire to not hurt people keeping me alive.

right now I feel horrible because I promised to help Mr. Big with something and then proceeded to melt down emotionally for weeks over unrelated things and I don’t know how to deal with it because it’s something I want to do and would love to do. I feel like I’ve let him down utterly.

I managed to get things fixed with my psychiatrist thanks to my doctor. Now I’m just trying to stay alive until mid-October, and see what happens from there.

right now is probably about as “good” as I’ve felt all year, and only because my doctor managed to do what I couldn’t all summer because the fucking billing people kept sending a bill to a city on the other side of the state, despite the correct billing address being in my patient records. I’d be more forgiving if they hadn’t kept causing my insurance to send me threatening letters over the bill to me for 3 straight months, causing me to feel harassed and upset. anyway she wouldn’t schedule a new appointment with me because of it until my doctor said “this is not acceptable” and made it happen.

trying not to let my fears that I’m making bad decisions send me into another spiral. I’ve been spiraling 2-3 times a week since June, more since August.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:23 am

can’t post anywhere without exposing what an ignorant dumbass I am. can’t stop feeling utter despair about the world no matter how many sites I block or leave. there is no escape and no way out.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:26 am

Madeline wrote:
Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:17 am
right now I feel horrible because I promised to help Mr. Big with something and then proceeded to melt down emotionally for weeks over unrelated things and I don’t know how to deal with it because it’s something I want to do and would love to do. I feel like I’ve let him down utterly.
Want to say that you didn't let me down, this was something beyond your control, and your needs come first.

Please take care of yourself, Madeline :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2020 12:40 am

Mr. Big wrote:
Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:26 am
Want to say that you didn't let me down, this was something beyond your control, and your needs come first.

Please take care of yourself, Madeline :hug:
thank you :flutterunsmith: :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Sep 25, 2020 6:46 pm

October 13 needs to get here because I feel awful and I’m just barely holding on.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Sep 26, 2020 3:59 am

I feel that every attempt I’ve made to branch out and try to grow has failed over the last few months. I feel like I’ve made people afraid to talk to me with my erratic behavior and self-abuse. I feel like people are leaving communities because of me. My flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse every night and of course 2020 just does not let up.

worst of all, I feel like my laundry list of traumas and boundaries have made me a broken person who can’t be around others without hurting or getting hurt. I feel afraid to engage anyone in conversation in case it just turns into me talking about myself or my awkward behavior pushing them away. The pushing away happens because I feel a lot of fear for both my personal safety and the emotional safety of others after having been abused for so long. I need long term help to deal with that but of course I am always stuck waiting. The pandemic and billing nonsense kept me from speaking to even my psychiatrist for six months, and nobody who takes my insurance ever has any openings but the one-star-reviews hell clinic.

worse, the results of my blood test are in and my heart disease is progressing, so I probably won’t be able to have hrt regardless of insurance coverage. when I opened up to people, nobody wanted to talk about it, probably because of my behavior this year. I felt very hurt and alone.

I can’t sleep any more and I don’t have the resilience or emotional strength to deal with everything that’s going on all at once. I won’t harm myself because I feel fear of hurting others but I also fear that this year is going to kill me, one way or another.

I feel,alone and like I’m completely falling apart, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are things that can be done to cope with these problems individually, but I am already doing them (changing my diet, exercising, seeking help from my doctor and mental health professionals, trying to change to better and emotionally healthier ways of coping and talking). I don’t know what to do any more. I feel so alone and scared. I’ve been crying every night since March because things just keep piling on in the outside world and I don’t know how to be a person on a basic level.

I shouldn’t even be posting this in public because you don’t know who is reading, but I hurt so much and it takes so much effort to be even just neutral at home when people expect me to be happy that I have to let it out. and every time I keep a diary people find it and read it.

why did I have to end up as a person who is afraid of everyone, afraid of being touched, afraid of being emotionally or personally inadequate, afraid to engage in games because they were used to harm me as a child, unable to interact with others without feeling fear of being hurt or hurting them? why did things have to turn out the way that they did? why did I have to end up in this mental and emotional place? why do people have to be so cruel to each other? why can’t we overcome our lizard brains and stop needing to have some kind of group conflict to form part of our identities? why does everything have to be awful all the time, everywhere, for all of human history?

i wish I’d never been born.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:55 pm

being human sucks. even people who want to help you will end up hurting you. I’m too easy to hurt and too unable to trust anyone. and right now I literally don’t trust anyone because I feel like multiple people have lied right to my face about liking me. all anyone wants is for me to shut up and stop making them uncomfortable because I’m too broken to love or even like. i feel like everyone else pushes me away and then get told that I’m the one doing it. I find out that multiple people are on multiple discords. and nobody even wants me back on the one I was even active on. nobody ever invites me to anything, just like when I was a kid. nobody responds to my PMs, probably because I’m a huge fucking creep or something.

I can’t help that nobody wanted me to be a girl. I can’t help that I was raped by my best friend. I can’t help that someone in my family used me for sexual role playing and other things for multiple decades. I can’t help that multiple people assaulted me and that it almost happened again last year when I was just trying to get a fucking burger. I know my behavior is shit and I’m trying to get help but I have to do it all on my own because I have no support here at home and it’s so fucking hard. but nobody will respond to me unless I’ve got help, i.e. won’t make them uncomfortable. I’m always alone and I always will be. people don’t actually like me, they just feel sorry for me or want to rescue me or something. there’s nothing to like. there’s no me. I barely exist.

I know I’m a shitty person who acts out when I hurt but I don’t know how to stop. and this year I’ve been hurting all the time. i cry every goddamn day.

what is life even for. why do I even have to exist. why do I have to keep hurting so people can just keep tooling along in their own lives without hurting more themselves? because that’s all that’s been stopping me from killing myself since I was in high school. except for all the times I tried and nearly succeeded because things were too much. i don’t want to hurt people but I don’t want to hurt any more either and it’s just not ever going to stop, or it would have by now.

I probably shouldn’t even be here but I literally have nowhere else left to go now. this is it. when I lose this I’ll have nothing and nobody. and I know I’ll lose it because I’ll do something stupid. I always do.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Oct 02, 2020 3:28 pm

wtf was I thinking when I tried today either. I thought it was going to be a silly summer thing with someone I trusted and instead I was in over my head from day 1. all I want are friends but I’m fucking shit at making or keeping them because I can’t bring myself to trust people. my whole life is in ruins and I’ve hurt people and I’m still just as broken as ever. nothing in my life ever works out for the best because my brain seems to be incapable of making beneficial decisions because I’m too used to doing what I’m told and trying to make other people happy and comfortable until my resentment boils over.

why am I even posting this. nobody’s going to read it. why would they want to?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Oct 02, 2020 4:50 pm

anyway, I’ve let people down for like the 8 millionth time since I joined this community and that’s why I always feel shame or hurt being here. I can’t seem to do anything right. I certainly failed at making friends because I’m too scared of people and too scared to commit to anything. I’ll probably never make it out of this house or do any of the things I should have done because I don’t have the confidence or the belief in myself. and nobody seems to want me as a patient for real but at this point i don’t blame anyone for thinking “fuck off” or not believing a word I say.

what am I supposed to do when I need help and support and can’t get it? I can’t magically get better by myself.

I wish somebody cared but I don’t blame anyone for not caring anymore. I can’t do anything right.

I’m so fucking lonely and a doormat and all kinds of messed up things and I’m afraid I’m hideous or awful or both.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Fri Oct 02, 2020 4:54 pm

I care. I know others who do. I don't know how appropriate of me it is to reply to this, but you're hurting and I can't ignore that. I have been reading this and I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this garbage. You are not garbage and anyone who says that can catch these hands.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Fri Oct 02, 2020 6:26 pm

Madeline, I read it all and I care. Unfortunately, I don't have the knowledge or means to help.

As an aside, If you want to be part of a Discord about something, I recommend you search for one and/or ask if anyone knows one about XYZ/with properties ABC you could join. I think I'm in over 50 servers, and while maybe none of them would appeal to you, I found almost all of them through google or them being attached to media I consume. And Discord being Discord, most have social channels, and many have lgbtqia+ channels and some have mental health channels, etc.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Oct 02, 2020 11:32 pm

I just feel like a make a complete ass of myself no matter where I go. or reveal how ignorant I am. that psychiatrist was right, I am fucking stupid. just about everything hurts my feelings. I can’t interact with other people any more at all because this always happens.

people would be a lot happier and less drained if I wasn’t around.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Oct 03, 2020 9:29 am

I don't know which types of responses are likely to make you feel worse, but "no response" doesn't seem to be helping you too much either. If I say something you feel is inappropriate, or something that makes you feel much worse after you read it, please let me know.
Madeline wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 11:32 pm
I just feel like a make a complete ass of myself no matter where I go. or reveal how ignorant I am.
Without any details, that sounds like a key way people learn. As long as you aren't harming people too much, that seems like it could often be a net positive, at least in the long run.
that psychiatrist was right, I am fucking stupid.
Of course it's not appropriate for a psychiatrist to say something like that to you. And it's similarly not appropriate for you to say it to yourself. Both because you have value that is being disrespected and because it's not a useful framing. Even supposing it's the case that you know much less about thing X than you'd like/than your peers, and you are slower to learn things with methods Y and Z than most others, that's a goal and an opportunity to forgive yourself for not moving as quickly as you'd like/being where you want to be.
just about everything hurts my feelings. I can’t interact with other people any more at all because this always happens.
Without a lot more detail, it's hard to guess what perspective might be useful to you. But I can say that your posts often seem to assume more negative thoughts towards you in others than seem to exist. If you ask people if you hurt them and then trust them if they say you didn't, I think that might be a step in the right direction.

A lot of other things that come to mind could be helpful or harmful, depending sensitively on details I don't have (e.g. should you take baby steps to minimize your hurt and give you time to recover, or would that just make you feel lonely and less equipped for the next interaction?)
people would be a lot happier and less drained if I wasn’t around.
I don't know about people you are physically around, but for everyone interacting with you virtually, it's largely up to them to choose what level of interaction they want. And in at least some cases, I think you're making unwarranted assumptions about the internal states of other people, which are hard to guess under the best circumstances.

But even if this is true of someone. Like, if one person would be happier ignoring you (temporarily or permanently), they can just do that through the system and you don't have to actually go away. If one community/server/whatever wants you gone, they can ask you to leave or make you. But you have a right to exist.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:25 am

diribigal wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 9:29 am
I don't know which types of responses are likely to make you feel worse, but "no response" doesn't seem to be helping you too much either. If I say something you feel is inappropriate, or something that makes you feel much worse after you read it, please let me know.
Without any details, that sounds like a key way people learn. As long as you aren't harming people too much, that seems like it could often be a net positive, at least in the long run.
Of course it's not appropriate for a psychiatrist to say something like that to you. And it's similarly not appropriate for you to say it to yourself. Both because you have value that is being disrespected and because it's not a useful framing. Even supposing it's the case that you know much less about thing X than you'd like/than your peers, and you are slower to learn things with methods Y and Z than most others, that's a goal and an opportunity to forgive yourself for not moving as quickly as you'd like/being where you want to be.
Without a lot more detail, it's hard to guess what perspective might be useful to you. But I can say that your posts often seem to assume more negative thoughts towards you in others than seem to exist. If you ask people if you hurt them and then trust them if they say you didn't, I think that might be a step in the right direction.

A lot of other things that come to mind could be helpful or harmful, depending sensitively on details I don't have (e.g. should you take baby steps to minimize your hurt and give you time to recover, or would that just make you feel lonely and less equipped for the next interaction?)
I don't know about people you are physically around, but for everyone interacting with you virtually, it's largely up to them to choose what level of interaction they want. And in at least some cases, I think you're making unwarranted assumptions about the internal states of other people, which are hard to guess under the best circumstances.

But even if this is true of someone. Like, if one person would be happier ignoring you (temporarily or permanently), they can just do that through the system and you don't have to actually go away. If one community/server/whatever wants you gone, they can ask you to leave or make you. But you have a right to exist.
I’m not sure what works for me. I’ve been getting worse all year. I find it very hard to read emotion or intent into people without visual in person cues, and that is difficult too. In text, it’s almost impossible. Earlier this year my current psychiatrist handed me a combo diagnosis of autism spectrum and ADHD. I found out that I was diagnosed with this before in third grade but that my mom deliberately withheld both the information and treatment from me, because she thought the meds would turn me into a zombie. The PTSD/depression/anxiety diagnosis also still stood. Plus she thinks I most likely have a condition called rejection sensitive dysphoria which has a high comorbidity rate with ADHD.

These were things that I didn’t really want to hear. All I wanted out of this was to get HRT and a therapist not attached to a garbage clinic. Instead, now my treatment focus has yet again moved away from what I want to deal with (gender dysphoria and trauma) and to conditions that my family deliberately hid from me in yet another betrayal of trust. I don’t feel a lot of motivation to pursue anything when people tell me, no, you have to do this instead, no matter what “this” tends to be, either. because it feels like gatekeeping and yet another attempt to keep me locked into someone else’s idea of what I should be. That has always been my lived experience. I’m tired of it.

It’s not that I think they would be harmful to treat, but that I’m tired of playing this game with clinicians where I have to do 10 different things I don’t care about as much in order to get to the things I actually care about and that cause me the most day to day difficulty. It’s not that they aren’t serious but they aren’t giving me daily flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors, abandonment issues, intense fears of being touched or experiencing intimacy, or an intense loathing of my own body. The RSD could be a big problem, but if it’s there, it’s just amplifying all of the other problems there from trauma and dysphoria which are much more severe.

so, to me, this whole year has felt like a setback in which I lost a lot of interest and motivation in trying to get help because it never goes where I want it to. I am so passive that I don’t know how to argue these points. so instead, I have to force myself to try, which results in me resorting to unhealthy behavior like self-harm to motivate myself to do something. IME printing things out and taking them in hasn’t always helped either, because sometimes they’ll fixate on something that seems out of left field to me so that they can continue on with the diagnosis they already have in mind. so I don’t really know what to do. It’s like when people at the last clinic got fixated on bipolar and catatonia and wondered why bipolar meds were making my symptoms worse even after the adjustment period. They didn’t want to consider that their diagnosis could be wrong, they just kept repeatedly changing what I was taking every few months until I gained a lot of weight and started having severe health problems. My heart was already in bad physical shape and now it’s much worse. I haven’t ever even exhibited any of the symptoms of any variation of catatonia. If I had, I would certainly have been asking about it, just like how I initially went along with the bipolar diagnosis because it seemed possible. I don’t see what sense there would be in lying about symptoms when I’m genuinely wanting to be rid of brain worms. I don’t understand why anyone would do it, because psych meds make you feel like shit, physically. or at least they do for me. I am always having GI problems, headaches, loss of balance problems, etc.

ngl I would rather just be taking edibles because that managed things a lot better and despite my family history of addiction, hasn’t been a “gateway drug” or whatever. but they’re too expensive.

so, after all that, I guess what I’m trying to say is that the bulk of my interaction with other people happened before I was 20, it mainly consisted of being bullied and abused (sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically) both at home and at school, and since the majority of them were bad interactions I don’t know how to expect to have positive interactions. to the point where I’m still surprised by people being nice to me irl after 20 years of whatever being an adult means. so maybe the problem is intractable. at least until I luck into another clinician (counselor, therapist, whatever, if we work well together I’ll work with anybody) who clicks with me.

it’s a lot of words, I’m sorry. (also I can’t stop apologizing because it’s a reflex action because it was often the only way to escape being abused. ugh.)

I don’t know what the best way to do things is. there are so many random things that set me off. but that isn’t helpful at all. I guess the fact that I’m trying to communicate with you is a good sign? (not being sarcastic, I’m thinking that I probably would have just gone off and stonewalled everyone to try to feel safe if I was still in a bad headspace.)

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Oct 03, 2020 1:26 pm

Madeline wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:25 am
I find it very hard to read emotion or intent into people without visual in person cues, and that is difficult too. In text, it’s almost impossible.
This is true to some degree for everyone. Though I don't mean to deny that it is likely harder than average for you.

Giving people and yourself the benefit of the doubt may help. Like if you ever think someone hates you or is mad at you, you can always ask. Worst case, it's no worse than you thought. In all other cases, it's better.
Madeline wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:25 am
[words about experience with clinicians]
That all genuinely sucks, and you deserve better. I hope you can find someone/people you can work with who will trust you when you say "these things are what are causing me the most harm", etc.
Madeline wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:25 am
it’s a lot of words, I’m sorry.
No worries, it wasn't too tough to read.
Madeline wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:25 am
I guess the fact that I’m trying to communicate with you is a good sign?
Yeah!
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Sat Oct 03, 2020 5:15 pm

Madeline wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:25 am
I guess the fact that I’m trying to communicate with you is a good sign? (not being sarcastic, I’m thinking that I probably would have just gone off and stonewalled everyone to try to feel safe if I was still in a bad headspace.)
Yes, and I agree with diribigal. I think it means that these troubles aren't a part of who you are, but rather that they're conditions that can be fixed once they're treated properly. In other words, I think it means there's hope for you.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Oct 05, 2020 7:44 pm

I hope so. This year has been yet another low point for me. I went cold turkey off of something over the weekend because neither my psychiatrist nor me pharmacy are communicating with me or each other. Was not fun, don’t recommend.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Oct 06, 2020 3:55 pm

I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to learn to do anything. I know I need to think positively and better about myself as a first step to anything, but I can read my own mind. I know when I don't believe something. How can you trust something someone tells you when you know, with 100% certainty, that they don't believe it themselves? How the hell does positive self-talk even work? Nothing I ever read ever even broaches this question, and just acts as if everyone can just say a phrase in their head and have it be believed automatically on some level through sheer force of will and repetition.

I know not to read into what others think of me because I don't know what they're actually thinking, but I do know that I am thinking, and I think I suck.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Oct 06, 2020 8:41 pm

Positive self talk works like negative self talk but it goes in the other direction. Both negative and positive self talk require repitition to really stick. Positive self talk is a skill like any other. If you think about it, the reason self deprecation sticks is because we keep doing it. It's an old habit we're really good at. We gotta break that habit and start a new one, like positive self talk. Not an easy task, but a worthwhile one.

The first times are the hardest because you don't believe it. But why wouldn't you? Because you've failed? Because you've made mistakes? Because you hurt someone? So has pretty much everyone else. You're nothing special in that regard.

Knowing how to learn is another beast. Even if you're always learning something, actually setting to learn something specific can be a daunting task. There are many methods, and unfortunately I am no expert. Generally repitition is a main component in it, unfortunately. Reward's a good motivator too.

I dunno if any of this makes sense but I hope it does.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Oct 06, 2020 10:36 pm

Everything feels like something I have to figure out for myself, which means that it's hopeless as I basically cannot function without clear instructions. :negative:

Someone just tell me how to fix myself so I can do it!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Oct 07, 2020 9:40 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Tue Oct 06, 2020 3:55 pm
How can you trust something someone tells you when you know, with 100% certainty, that they don't believe it themselves? How the hell does positive self-talk even work? Nothing I ever read ever even broaches this question
There are multiple things that might be called "positive self-talk", and I think it's helpful to distinguish them.

1. Things like giving yourself compliments you don't believe
I searched quickly and had trouble finding research in support of this, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is indeed helpful. What there is research for is the positive effect of forcing a smile on mood. A way to think about it (I am not a neurologist) is that even if you don't believe you have reason to be happy, the connection between smiling and happiness still exists in your brain, and connections can be two-ways to some degree. I could see that explicitly "lying to yourself" might be helpful in the same way, but it also might be harmful if it reinforces the negative pathways when you focus on how you're lying to yourself. So I would not recommend this except maybe if a professional has told you to do it.

2. Things like focusing on positive facts/forward-thinking reframings of things
This is more the sort of thing that I think a psychologist would recommend. See this Psychology Today article, for instance. They have a good example in the middle I'll rephrase. Let's say, hypothetically, someone reacts to mistakes by telling themselves "I can't do anything right." Then they can work on telling themselves things like "I choose to accept and grow from my mistake" or "As I learn from my mistakes, I am becoming a better person." Those aren't lies about how they feel about their current state, they're more like positive reframings about the future.

3. Pep-talks treating yourself as someone else
Sometimes people tell themselves "I can't do this". But they might find it easier to be more encouraging if they switch to "you" or their name, as in "diribigal, you can do this". A lot of people who tell themselves negative things find it harder to tell others negative things (e.g. "I tell myself I'm ugly but I'd never say that to someone else"), and that's something we can try to exploit.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Oct 07, 2020 1:45 pm

I have no idea if this is useful and I’m hesitant to offer advice, but my main motivation to change is how awful I feel about myself, particularly when I’m spiraling. If I look at myself as coldly and emotionlessly as possible, yes I can focus on the mistakes as I so often do, but I also have to admit that i have not caused the kinds of physical and emotional harm in others that people did to me. So, on an objective level, I am a better person than the people who abused me, because I feel remorse and actively try to repair any harm I’ve caused, even if I don’t succeed. My abusers did not even attempt that.

Obviously that doesn’t work for everyone or in every scenario. I can’t say I’m “fixed” either, far from it.

What I can say that I think might be useful is that while you have agency, mental illnesses and/or executive dysfunction function as a kind of unfair handicap. Maybe you’re trying to race but your car had 4 flat tires before you even started, so now you’re several minutes and laps behind everyone else. So instead of framing everything as “I objectively did not succeed,” reinforcing a negative thought, maybe it would be more helpful as a place to start to say “things didn’t turn out the way I wanted, but these fears and anxieties made it much more difficult for me than I had anticipated.” It’s true. You’re not lying to yourself, it does not sound like a motivational poster, and the additional statement also turns the focus away from self-blame.

If you want some positive qualities to think about, I liked talking to you on Discord because you’re a nice person and have lots of interesting thoughts to share. How can a person like that be without objective value? Life itself has an objective value. You are here, and so am I, and so are diribigal and Princess Flufflebutt and Fizzbuzz and so on. We are all people behind these screen names and text, we all have feelings and thoughts and wants and needs.

What is a simple thing you can try that you enjoy doing but aren’t doing right now? Just taking the time to make a new habit focused around having a moment every day that you can look forward to can help. Mine is making a cup of caffeine free tea or hot cocoa at night a couple of hours before I go to bed. Yours can be whatever you want and there’s no deadline or hurry to think up one. If you can’t think of one, shrug and shelve it before frustration kicks in. Your brain will work on it in the background. There are no stakes, nothing hinges on this, and so therefore if it doesn’t work for you, there are just other things to try. It won’t determine or say anything about you because it’s an external thing. If dusting a windowsill or eating a sandwich doesn’t make your day or self better, does it really matter? No, because it’s just an ordinary kind of thing to do. This is along the same lines. The point is just to see if you can find a new thing to do that you like and there are always lots of options.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Oct 27, 2020 9:31 pm

n/m

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:12 pm

made a complete ass out of myself in another community with my shit opinions so now all I have left is a dead pony forum.

I don’t know how to relate to other people at all any more. I give up.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mechanical Ape (?) » Thu Nov 05, 2020 8:09 pm

For what it's worth I have never known you to be anything but a consistently wonderful person/poster, and I've been here for like a decade.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Nov 05, 2020 9:20 pm

Yeah, you've always been a fun person to talk to. Like Mechanical Ape, I've been here for nearly a decade and enjoy your presence.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Brunellus (?) » Fri Nov 06, 2020 12:08 am

Madeline wrote:
Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:12 pm
I don’t know how to relate to other people at all any more. I give up.
Your longer post is awash with sentiments that are thought by millions of people. You are not alone by any means and simply setting your thoughts and experience to text is probably helpful in and of itself.

You're extra-not alone jabbering with pony goons.

EDIT: by "longer post", I meant the one on October 7. I hadn't scrolled up yet before chiming in.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Nov 06, 2020 12:29 pm

One of my goals for 2020 was to finally seek therapy. Then COVID happened and, well, that plan's on hold, to put it mildly.

Maybe I can find virtual options, tho.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mechanical Ape (?) » Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:27 pm

My therapist does online sessions and we’ve been doing it that way throughout the quarantine, so this is absolutely something you can do. COVID doesn’t have to stop you from achieving this goal.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:41 pm

I just signed up for BetterHelp.com from a friend's recommendation. Gonna try it for at least a month and see how it works.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Nov 21, 2020 7:21 pm

I’m probably going to have to take the online route myself and it’s scaring me, because I hate teleconferencing. But there just isn’t anyone here accepting patients who is also experienced with trauma and neurodiversity and queer patients. I’m tired of being the one doing the educating when I need help.

Thank you for the kind words.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sat Nov 21, 2020 7:57 pm

Whatever happens, I'm rooting for you.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat Nov 21, 2020 9:36 pm

Likewise! We're all rooting for you

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Nov 24, 2020 1:00 pm

Really depressed right now because I fuck up every opportunity I have ever had at a relationship with anybody, and they always move on to happier relationships without me. I don’t like what that says about me. I don’t think I’m dateable. I don’t even want to try any more. It hurts too much.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Sage (?) » Wed Nov 25, 2020 5:25 pm

Madeline wrote:
Tue Nov 24, 2020 1:00 pm
Really depressed right now because I fuck up every opportunity I have ever had at a relationship with anybody, and they always move on to happier relationships without me. I don’t like what that says about me. I don’t think I’m dateable. I don’t even want to try any more. It hurts too much.
I don't think you're being very fair to yourself. Everyone deserves love, calling yourself undateable isn't allowing yourself growth. Take this time to work on yourself, work on the love you feel for yourself and be kinder to yourself. If you feel like something's being an obstacle for your happiness, take this time to improve yourself and be closer to the person that you want to be.

You don't need to dive head-first into another relationship for now, just focus on making yourself feel better and giving yourself the kindness you need. Sometimes, we need to look within in order to be happy with what's around us or striving to be a better person. Nobodies' perfect and even the most happy-go-lucky people can feel miserable from time to time and that's ok. I'd really suggest reaching out to a therapist(if you can) and trying to work out some of your obstacles. That way, you can form some sort of coping mechanism for whenever the problem pops up again and you'll have a better ability to manage it.

You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be at peace.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 02, 2020 12:31 am

Sage wrote:
Wed Nov 25, 2020 5:25 pm
I don't think you're being very fair to yourself. Everyone deserves love, calling yourself undateable isn't allowing yourself growth. Take this time to work on yourself, work on the love you feel for yourself and be kinder to yourself. If you feel like something's being an obstacle for your happiness, take this time to improve yourself and be closer to the person that you want to be.

You don't need to dive head-first into another relationship for now, just focus on making yourself feel better and giving yourself the kindness you need. Sometimes, we need to look within in order to be happy with what's around us or striving to be a better person. Nobodies' perfect and even the most happy-go-lucky people can feel miserable from time to time and that's ok. I'd really suggest reaching out to a therapist(if you can) and trying to work out some of your obstacles. That way, you can form some sort of coping mechanism for whenever the problem pops up again and you'll have a better ability to manage it.

You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be at peace.

:flutterunsmith: that i you. I have an awful habit of beating myself up and carrying around a lot of negative thoughts about myself and I need help for that.

I kinda bailed on BetterHelp when I went to sign up and they wanted $260 up front, per month. Back to the wait list at the one counseling center that doesn’t employ the nasty psychiatrist who misgendering me and stuff.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Sage (?) » Sat Dec 05, 2020 9:42 pm

Madeline wrote:
Wed Dec 02, 2020 12:31 am
:flutterunsmith: that i you. I have an awful habit of beating myself up and carrying around a lot of negative thoughts about myself and I need help for that.

I kinda bailed on BetterHelp when I went to sign up and they wanted $260 up front, per month. Back to the wait list at the one counseling center that doesn’t employ the nasty psychiatrist who misgendering me and stuff.
So do I but we both need to treat ourselves fairer. You may not feel like you're worth it but I'm sure there's a little you in there somewhere who's trying to cheer you on, I think you need to listen to them a little bit. Try to challenge those thoughts, why do you feel that way? Is it truly justified? What can you do to improve on so-and-so to feel a bit more ok with you? I don't think trying to think positive all the time would benefit though, there needs to be a balance in general.

Oof, I feel you on that, it's really difficult to find a good therapist for you and most of the time the right one isn't covered by insurance or anything like that. I wish companies would have a forgiveness period, especially now instead of trying to profit off of people who need the help, it's really messed up. Or at least a more reasonable fee. $260? Upfront? Who can afford that in this current state of affairs?????

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Dec 06, 2020 6:32 am

Yeah, I just didn’t have the money, even with help from others. I feel lucky that I finally found someone who takes my insurance and also had openings. Kinda wish it wasn’t teleconferencing but I’ll take what I can get considering how bad COVID is where I live.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Sage (?) » Mon Dec 07, 2020 10:49 am

That's great!!! I'm glad you found someone. Teleconferences don't really feel the same as an in-person meeting, I agree with that. I had to do phone conferences when I was seeing my therapist for the last few sessions and it wasn't as easy as an in-person was. I definitely prefer the in-person over phone conferences any day. I hope you're staying safe and I hope you benefit from therapy!!!

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