RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Nov 11, 2019 12:54 pm

Good progress! That's great to hear :party:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:10 pm

My new psych put me on lithium even though she told me she’s fairly certain that I’m not bipolar. Plus side: it’s not making me hyper anxious like the last mood stabilizer did. Downside: it isn’t doing a damn thing yet and she thinks I should have been feeling some improvement after a week on it. I don’t feel any difference at all.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Nov 15, 2019 6:05 pm

At least she’s being proactive in monitoring whether it’s helping. I think I was on lithium for over two years before deciding it wasn’t helpful and taking me off of it. Some psychs are convinced that that stuff is magic or something.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Nov 15, 2019 9:30 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Fri Nov 15, 2019 6:05 pm
At least she’s being proactive in monitoring whether it’s helping. I think I was on lithium for over two years before deciding it wasn’t helpful and taking me off of it. Some psychs are convinced that that stuff is magic or something.
Ugh, two years? :nnngh: I’m giving it a few more weeks because I’m also being weaned off of citalopram, and that has to be affecting something.

Well, I know one thing it’s affecting: ever since my dose was first cut, I’ve lost 10 pounds of water weight :-I That’s 20% of the weight that I gained over the last year of taking it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:15 pm

For 2020, I decided to make a serious effort to find a therapist. My insecurities and anxiety has been getting enough of an issue that I think it's something I should seriously look into.

Hard part is finding one within my area, and whether it can take my insurance.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:49 pm

Fingers crossed for you so hard. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Nov 18, 2019 8:33 pm

Thanks! :yay:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:57 pm

Just remember that therapy isn’t a magic wand that fixes everything, as it’s sometimes presented. They give you the tools but you still have to put them to use yourself.

Good luck!

None of the therapists that were recommended to me have any openings, except for the horrible clinic that I just left three months ago. This is dragging on forever, it feels like.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Tue Nov 19, 2019 1:33 pm

Talking about therapists, I finally got in with my university's therapy program. It's a thing for future psychology students to hone their skills. It´s way cheaper than going to a graduated therapist so I'm all game for that.

I'm hoping she can help me with sleep and this executive dysfunction nonsense. I'd go with trans stuff too, but there's a team here dedicated to that so I should go to them about it, even though I have no desire to deal with that one psychiatrist again (seriously, for someone who says they're against the binary, he's awfully entrenched in it). I might try to think of more stuff to tell her before Friday. It's odd how nothing pops in mind when someone asks you about yourself. How am I? Like, who am I even? I don´t know anything about this person you just asked about :v:

So yeah, gonna write shit down when they pop into my head and then present them to her. I hope she can at least help me keep sleep in check.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Nov 19, 2019 8:39 pm

Good luck, I hope you don’t have to deal with that psychiatrist again. He’s an ass. :bluh:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Tue Nov 19, 2019 8:56 pm

Best of luck, Flufflebutt!

And yeah, hope you don't have to deal with him again. Oof.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Nov 20, 2019 12:37 am

I will have to. He's the only one who got the qualifications. That old fossil should've retired aeons ago from what I heard. I know a few folk who can possibly help me in dealings with the guy.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Nov 20, 2019 12:38 pm

Madeline wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:57 pm
Just remember that therapy isn’t a magic wand that fixes everything, as it’s sometimes presented. They give you the tools but you still have to put them to use yourself.

Good luck!

None of the therapists that were recommended to me have any openings, except for the horrible clinic that I just left three months ago. This is dragging on forever, it feels like.
I’ve gotten turned down by every single clinician that takes my insurance within driving distance. They’re all full up.

Even when I try to do the right thing it goes wrong. Fuck this bullshit. I’m done.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Nov 20, 2019 8:17 pm

If and when you have the energy, I would recommend explicitly asking if [most compatible option] has a waitlist you could be put on. I've heard that many who don't publicly advertise a waitlist would have one if you ask, especially if you had a reason for wanting this therapist in particular.
Last edited by diribigal on Thu Nov 21, 2019 4:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
ImageImageImage Very math.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Nov 20, 2019 11:40 pm

diribigal wrote:
Wed Nov 20, 2019 8:17 pm
If and when you have the energy, I would recommend explicitly asking if [most compatible option] has a waitlist you could be put on. I've heard that many who don't publicly advertise a waitlist would have one if you ask, especially if you had a reason for wanting this in particular.
That’s a good idea. Thank you. :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Nov 28, 2019 8:14 pm

Every single thing that I do or that happens today is making me anxious and depressed and pissed off. I hate this.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:39 pm

Madeline wrote:
Thu Nov 28, 2019 8:14 pm
Every single thing that I do or that happens today is making me anxious and depressed and pissed off. I hate this.
:(

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Dec 01, 2019 1:56 am

Bigdog wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:39 pm
:(
I feel a little better today. Last week was just very rough. Thank you :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sun Dec 01, 2019 2:12 am

Madeline wrote:
Sun Dec 01, 2019 1:56 am
I feel a little better today. Last week was just very rough. Thank you :flutterunsmith:
:hug: Wishing you a good week!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Dec 06, 2019 4:06 am

I can’t tell if the meds are working or not. My sleep schedule has gone all wonky (well, wonkier), but I’ve been sleeping a lot this week because I’ve been sick.

Seeing my regular doctor next Tuesday so I’ll see what she thinks.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sun Dec 08, 2019 9:27 pm

I'm falling apart at the moment. Or, rather, I've been falling apart since the week of Thanksgiving, but it's the kind of falling apart that makes you not care in the slightest about your own wellbeing, so this is the first I've been saying to anyone about it. I barely eat, I sleep at all the wrong times, and I've fucked up and missed my appointments and have failed to schedule new ones. And I don't care. Nothing fucking matters and I can just sit in my room and rot with no real consequences.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Dec 09, 2019 11:59 am

Having the same problem I’ve had with every other mood stabilizer: I hit the 6 week mark and my anxiety gets so bad that I can’t function. Also, I’m even more depressed than I was before I started taking it.

I’d rather be back on Prozac but nobody will let me do that.

:hug: for you, PM. I wish I could help.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:53 am

I won’t be able to see anyone until at least February, and that’s at a clinic that doesn’t have anyone who knows how to deal with LGBT issues. I tried a referral service but nobody in this whole county has openings right now. My psychiatrist is also loath to change my meds even though the lithium does absolutely nothing for me.

I’ve already been 4 months without a therapist.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Tue Dec 17, 2019 2:56 am

I've been told by a few people that I'm rather emotionally distant and don't really open up to others too much.

I think part of that is that I'm a rather private person, but well, as Perry indicated to me, it is possible to be TOO private, so I'm gonna work on improving that a bit.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Dec 17, 2019 4:02 pm

Mr. Big wrote:
Tue Dec 17, 2019 2:56 am
it is possible to be TOO private
This really is true, in my experience. It wasn't until I opened up at all about myself, on these forums, that I started making the first true friends I'd ever had. Without that, I wouldn't have had the support network I needed to get through some of my toughest times years ago. Without that, I might never have made it all the way through school again.

Opening up isn't an on-off switch. If it seems daunting, remember that you don't have to immediately lay bare every fact and aspect of yourself for all to see. Just do a little more than what you're immediately comfortable with and you may very well find you feel okay being that much more out there with those you care about.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 18, 2019 12:08 pm

One of the clinics had a few spots open up unexpectedly, so I should be scheduling a first appointment in a day or so. :yay:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Dec 18, 2019 12:13 pm

Madeline wrote:
Wed Dec 18, 2019 12:08 pm
One of the clinics had a few spots open up unexpectedly, so I should be scheduling a first appointment in a day or so. :yay:
Woo! :flutterunsmith:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Dec 18, 2019 12:48 pm

That's great! Fingers crossed for you, Madeline :yay:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Dec 19, 2019 5:07 pm

Welp that didn’t last. The person I got referred to doesn’t treat depression or trauma, so now I’m back on the wait list AGAIN.

This is fucking bullshit.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Dec 19, 2019 5:51 pm

What kind of therapist doesn’t work with depression? That’s like 90% of therapy cases. Sorry you’re having so much trouble.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Dec 19, 2019 6:43 pm

Oof, so sorry to hear that, Madeline. Rooting for you :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Dec 20, 2019 12:13 am

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Thu Dec 19, 2019 5:51 pm
What kind of therapist doesn’t work with depression? That’s like 90% of therapy cases. Sorry you’re having so much trouble.
The guy said it “wasn’t his specialty” and since I already hate talking on the phone, it was very hard not to just say “so what use are you, then?” I think he just didn’t want me as a patient.

Had to play phone tag with the stupid agency that handles referrals and I’m just so fucking exhausted. There’s no guarantee anyone will even have openings.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Dec 20, 2019 9:34 am

I’m still trying to,process,this. I must have misheard them, because otherwise it makes no sense to me.

I’m so sick of this process.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Dec 20, 2019 4:01 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Sun Dec 08, 2019 9:27 pm
I'm falling apart at the moment. Or, rather, I've been falling apart since the week of Thanksgiving, but it's the kind of falling apart that makes you not care in the slightest about your own wellbeing, so this is the first I've been saying to anyone about it. I barely eat, I sleep at all the wrong times, and I've fucked up and missed my appointments and have failed to schedule new ones. And I don't care. Nothing fucking matters and I can just sit in my room and rot with no real consequences.
Update, or rather non-update: Nothing has changed. I'm still a worthless sack of shit who can't do anything, and even people genuinely concerned about me have nothing to offer advice-wise. I don't really know what to do. I have no real course of action, and the situation just keeps piling more shit on me that I can't fucking deal with. I have trouble entering simple conversations without dumping my woes on unsuspecting people, and the tons of negativity floating around the world right now just has me on edge and ready to snap even at jokes.

I just wish I wasn't me. Everything about me sucks.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Sat Dec 21, 2019 8:54 pm

I don't really talk about personal stuff here often, and I'll admit I can be rather closed-in emotionally (again, something few people told me they noticed), so I thought I'd open up a little about this.

I'm making it a 2020 goal to try and seek therapy. My insecurities have been getting more and more strong the past few years.

Also, looking to see if I can get into a relationship. I won't dwell too much into this, but I've been rather lonely the past few years, so I want to work on changing that.

Talking to Perry and others, I think I figured out that I'm NOT aro. I just have a rather badly-skewed viewpoint on what romance is (to put it mildly)

(spoiler'd just in case it's TMI) (not that I wouldn't mind a FWB or anything) :-I

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Dec 23, 2019 6:58 pm

I wish I didn't exist. I don't want to die, exactly. That would be cruel to all the people who care about me, but I can't help but regret that they do in the first place. I'm nothing but a burden and an obligation dragging them down, and my mere existence feels like some cruel joke the universe is playing on them. It's not fair to anyone else to have to put up with me and worry about me and watch me waste away, and I can't do a single thing to help them. I can suffer for all eternity, that's fine, I've done nothing to deserve otherwise. It's the fact that everyone around me is suffering by proxy that makes it all a million times worse.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Dec 23, 2019 9:23 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Mon Dec 23, 2019 6:58 pm
I wish I didn't exist. I don't want to die, exactly. That would be cruel to all the people who care about me, but I can't help but regret that they do in the first place. I'm nothing but a burden and an obligation dragging them down, and my mere existence feels like some cruel joke the universe is playing on them. It's not fair to anyone else to have to put up with me and worry about me and watch me waste away, and I can't do a single thing to help them. I can suffer for all eternity, that's fine, I've done nothing to deserve otherwise. It's the fact that everyone around me is suffering by proxy that makes it all a million times worse.
These are a lot of assumptions on the part of people around you. Do the people who love you truly feel burdened by you? What do you think you have done to deserve suffering? Merely existing doesn't justify any kind of suffering. In my humble opinion, you have done absolutely nothing to deserve suffering, and nothing is gained from your suffering. Don't tell yourself there is poetic justice or reason for you to feel bad that requires you to keep doing it.

I'm really sorry you're having a hard time feeling like you have merit, but I promise you that you do. I like seeing you around, I like seeing you post, I love what you write. Your existence is a plus in my life and the life of this community. You might think that sounds hokey, but it's true. Nobody here is suffering because you exist. You're not an obligation, you have real true value. Having value is not something you need to justify or need to somehow reach an impossible bar for.

I'm not hurting because you are. Please don't confuse the fact that people care about you and want good things for you with them being in pain because of you. You don't have that kind of evil power over people. But I think you are neat and I think neat people should have good things happen to them. That includes you, always. I hope you feel better soon, I'm glad you are around. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Dec 25, 2019 3:12 am

Lately more and more friends are telling me that I'm rather closed in emotionally, that I'm not really open about myself.

Like, oof, I'm really bad about this, huh? :-I

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Dec 26, 2019 3:44 am

With 2019 coming to an end, I can only reflect on what happened to my life this year. There were positives: I had a successful Kickstarter, I thrived in most conventions, got to hang out with cool people, you'd think it's all rosy.

It wasn't, sad to say. I won't go into too much detail because I don't want to burn bridges with them, but losing a client gig after several years was a huge blow for me. If that wasn't enough, around the time this was going on I missed out on the last Bronycon. It never occurred to me just how much I missed out until I saw everyone's post about how much fun they were having. I was honestly feeling resentment, actually, as pathetic as it sounds.

And seeing people have success getting into relationships while I was having trouble getting into one was starting to wear me down. It's gotten to the point that I've been crying to sleep due to crippling loneliness, combined with the financial blow that all but setback my plans to move out on my own. After a while I was feeling like I'm going to be alone forever, making me wondering if I should give up all hopes of it.

And a lot of this is my fault. Hearing people after people tell me I'm very closed-in emotionally just made me regret my life's choices. Like maybe I would have achieved my life's goals earlier if I made better choices, rather than having to drag through this in your 30s (and maybe beyond).

I'll likely regret writing all of this in the morning, but I wanted to at least let it all out before I went to sleep. Let's hope I won't cry myself to sleep again.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:03 am

You have done a lot of good in your life, and come a long way! Don't discount that. It's not fun to realize you have more room to cover in areas you didn't consider before, but it doesn't make you a failure or a bad person in any way. The things you are grappling with are hard, and you deserve your own kindness and support as well as any other you might need, such as professional mental health support and whatnot. It's really easy to get hung up on what you could have done in the past, trust me, I do it too much myself. But you have a lot of good energy to accomplish goals, and nothing says you cannot use that in the future. The path to self-improvement and doing things that are good for you can be frustrating, but you don't need to reach the "end goal" to feel tangible results, every bit forward helps, it really does.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to be so harsh on yourself. Everyone has their baggage to carry. You are not somehow deserving of more harshness than everyone else. Every day is an opportunity to do right by yourself, and it's absolutely not too late for that.

I'm rooting for you, and I know I'm not the only one. You can do this. :hug:
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