I haven't written an essay in quite a while, so here goes:kefkafloyd wrote: ↑Wed Aug 20, 2014 3:15 pmAnyone who posted in this thread must write at least a 500 word minimum essay or story about me or how great I am. Fiction is allowed (as long as it's good)!
Note that the minimum 500 words must form a coherent story or essay, and you will be graded (in humorous ways). If you fail to submit a story/essay, do not abide by the challenge or write nonsense garbage, you will FAIL and be thusly probated for a period of time. Essays and stories will be graded on how well they're written and how funny or interesting they are.
Once upon a time, on a night just like this, midnight approached. The Overlord Kefkafloyd sat on his throne, pondering the fates of mortals. "How am I to decide who may post, and who must part?", he wondered silently. After much internal turmoil, he addressed his direct reports in a great booming voice: "Will no one who serves me come to my aid?".
"O Greatness, how can we be of service?", inquired Baked Bads.
"As much as it pains me to say this, I might find some guidance helpful in my troubled state", admitted The Overlord. He continued, "The ghost of the red eye haunts my dreams, and urges me to ruminate further on my treatment of the little people. I fear I cannot quell this urge myself." "I have consulted my plushie of my OC Cosmo Bot, but he does not answer my prayers; can any among you satisfy me?"
"Sire, I mean no disrespect, but have you considered emoticon use as a bar with which to cast judgment?", proposed drunkill. "Fool!", Kefka cried out. "Have you considered that people will just resort to unofficial emoticons, followed by a quagmire of discussion about what exactly constitutes an emoticon anyway? You try my patience; begone!"
"My liege, perhaps we can make front page contributions mandatory. Might that be judged a reasonable and objective criterion?", suggested ixnay. "Neigh!", brayed Kefka's great steed, Nightmarity. "Rightly so, Nighty. With mandatory contributions, I'd have to sort through even more user generated fuff as posters attempt the bare minimum to maintain their basic rights. No, ixnay, I shall not abide such a method."
@Zebra_ebooks sheepishly asked "Milord, may I speak?" The Overload peered with discerning eyes, and icily repsonded "You may - at your own peril...". @Zerba continued: "Milord, I fear I must insist that you give up this novice's errand of searching for the ultimate discriminator between those who may post and those who may not. A more nuanced view, using your experience and personal judgment-" Kefka struck the man across the face and yelled (nearly a shriek). "Use your tongue in that manner one more time in my presence, and I will not permit you to use it ever again! I hope I've made myself clear; see yourself out."
VoidChicken began to whimper. "Your highness," he squeaked out, "perhaps if we could have a bit of time to mull things over, we may be able to provide alternatives that would please you." Kefka barked back, "You may keep your rank only as long as you can provide me immediate answers! A million idiots could stumble upon a good idea if given enough time! Leave me in peace, and do not make a habit of this."
Addressing Baked Bads, the Overlord sighed: "I grow weary; where is Momar?". Suddenly, from behind the throne, an eerie, cackling laughter arose. "Not only can you not perform your duties satisfactorily, you did not even detect my presence?" asked Momar, with an unsubtle undertone of arrogance. "I deem you unfit to rule, and aim to usurp you. Draw your sword."
Kefka, attempting to conceal his shock, blurted out "What is this insolence? Baked Bads, arrest this former mod at once!" But Baked Bads just shook his head slowly, with an air of faint sadness.
Momar took a step forward, and said "This is your final warning. I may not stab you in the back, but I will not hesitate to advance, in spite of your indecision.", while brandishing her sword.
Suddenly, the Cosmo Bot plush came alive, and declared that the self destruct sequence had been activated. There were no survivors.