The Emperor Sheev Palpatine

[Perrydotto]

why yes I watched Star Trek Into Darkness in the cinema back when and was very much not impressed

[DaikatunaRevengeance]

another big issue with abrams is he likes to set up mysteries he has no idea how to actually resolve

[DaikatunaRevengeance]

is into darkness the one with khan?

[Perrydotto]

is into darkness the one with khan?

yes

[Angel Beat]

I'd much rather rewatch Star Trek Beyond insteaed of Into Darkness.

[DaikatunaRevengeance]

how do you fuck up khan?

like how

it's khan

[Orange Fluffy Sheep]

Emperor Pumpetine

Emperor Pumpemup

[Orange Fluffy Sheep]

Emperor Pump-and-dump

[Orange Fluffy Sheep]

Darth sexious

[DaikatunaRevengeance]

Darth Nasty

[Orange Fluffy Sheep]

Have you heard the tragedy of Darth Sexhaver the impregnator?

[Angel Beat]

how do you fuck up khan?

like how

it's khan

It would've been better if Cumbybatch's character was actually John Harrison instead of Khan. Instead, Cummerbund played Khan.

[DaikatunaRevengeance]

the force gave him a unending erection

[Orange Fluffy Sheep]

does he do that cool spin move during sex

[DaikatunaRevengeance]

yes

[Orange Fluffy Sheep]

ITT let's talk about The Emperor Sheev Palpatine from the Star Wars universe.

did you think that when you posted this thread 18 days ago that it would experience a rebirth as the Palpatine Fucks Memorial Cybershrine

[Angel Beat]

a friendpatine to everyone

[Perpetual Motion]

I'd much rather rewatch Star Trek Beyond insteaed of Into Darkness.

Absolutely true, because Beyond is actually a fantastic movie. The Kelvin Timeline does not deserve it.

[Blarghalt]

Perry pretty much wrote my review for me, but I'll add a few things of my own.

Some of my thoughts:

So like, there's something sort of hilarious about how the opening crawl just starts with "yeah, palpatine's alive."

Palpatine's alive, and the movie doesn't actually explain how he's alive. We do see a few naked Snokes floating in vats in his super duper secret base, so I guess he just made him, and I dunno, kept around backups for some reason? How Palpatine's still alive after being thrown down a well also isn't really elaborated upon, which honestly might've been the best possible way they could've edited it, because any exposition on the matter probably would've just been dumber.

There's this whole subplot about Rey and Ben having some kind of force connection with a made-up name I never quite caught, and it's mostly just forgotten about? It seems to be related to the weird teleport ability they seem to share, but that's about the end of it.

There's a planet that gets blown up halfway through the movie or so and I honestly didn't remember which planet it was.

The pacing in the first quarter-to-half of the movie is just lethally bad, with the plot bouncing around like crazy.

Luke acts completely different.

Also, where did Palpatine get the resources to build the fleet he does? Is nobody particularly worried that Death Star lasers can be mounted on nearly any sized ship now and can also apparently be mass-produced? I still never quite caught why they needed to blow up the radio tower, and why Sheev put literally no defenses around it. You'd think he would've learned, you know, from experience.

So, yeah. Very, very cynical film edited together from the pieces that test-screened well. I'll probably come up with more reasons to dislike it later, but those are the things that bothered me the most.

I'll end on this: Rey goes back to Tatooine at the very end, and I honest to God thought for a second she was there to pick up those power converters. If the entire trilogy and billions of dollar spent had been a leadup to a stupid gag like that, I'd disregard every problem I just said this movie had and consider it the best SW ever

[Pocket]

Wait, wait, wait, never mind Palpatine; LUKE is still alive?!!

Were we not supposed to believe that him collapsing from the exhaustion of force-ghosting himself halfway across the galaxy meant he was dead, or is this another Abrams ass-pull?

[Blarghalt]

Wait, wait, wait, never mind Palpatine; LUKE is still alive?!!

Were we not supposed to believe that him collapsing from the exhaustion of force-ghosting himself halfway across the galaxy meant he was dead, or is this another Abrams ass-pull?

I meant Luke's force ghost acts nothing like the Luke in TLJ.

[The Doctor]

I enjoyed the movie except for the stupid twist.

Rey's lineage

Ultimately I can look past it, because it had no real impact on the story. It felt like a last minute addition.

She would have gone to face Sheev anyways. Nothing would have really changed in the story.

Ultimately, the biggest flaw in the film was that Richard E. Grant wasn't playing Thrawn in this trilogy.

[Angel Beat]

I once had a joke theory in my head that Rey was a Palpatine, but I did NOT expect that to come true.

[Factory Factory]

I'm incredibly disappointed.

I felt like I was watching a wish-fulfillment fanfic from someone incredibly bent out of shape about TLJ. It was badly-paced and hasty retconning of the most interesting Star Wars movie filled with fanservice and nonsense.

JJ Abrams continues to be bad at space. "Light speed skipping" and the path to Exogal were insane, as is the general speed at which these people seem to travel. All this took 18 hours?? The First Order stole hundreds of thousands of children and trained them into staff for the magic bean stalk Star Destroyers in that time?? The original trilogy and prequels were scaled to happen over weeks at least.

Everything about the Sith is like nonspecific callbacks to the EU done without any setup whatsoever. It feels like it comes out of nowhere. That said, come on, Exogal? You can't go to Korriban? Oh, I guess not

Honestly this feels like idea-mining from EU comics stories like Dark Empire and Tales of the Jedi, but done extremely poorly because of the incredible haste of the film. It has the Emperor's resurrection in a clone body (probably?!? The Resistance just kind of settles on that plus "dark science experiments" and we assume they got it right because we see some extra Snokes). It has the lineage of the Ancient Sith living on through the Dark Lord. It has Sith ghosts corrupting current-age Force users. It has the Sith Lord manipulating a space battle at incredible scale, but instead of with a subtle discipline like Battle Meditation, it was just lightning. It has holocrons, almost.

But why? Disney got rid of all these things, shoved them off into Legends. Star Wars never dealt with the high fantasy elements in detail. The prequels specifically shied away from reading anything at all from the EU's expansion of the lore of the Force into the films themselves. And what's more, all these older stories took lots of time to breath and introduce these concepts and describe a little bit how they worked and what they did. RoS did not.

It just feels so shallow. Fast-paced shallow fanservice. And cowardly. The one thing this movie did that might have been mildly challenging, redeeming Ben Solo, he never interacted with any characters and died by a quiet self-sacrifice, so we never even got the barest moment of cheap reckoning and repentance for the horrors he committed. Just a little Reylo (ReyBen?) smooch and a big ol' smile before he dramatically dies for Reasons We Even Wrote A Line To Justify Earlier.

Cowardly. The power of Rey isn't the power of anyone to stand up to evil, it's the power of Space Nobility fighting for the throne. They even came insultingly near this idea with Rey's father, Palpy's kid who just wanted to live anonymously and protect his daughter from evil so she could live a good and normal life. He was literally a nobody-by-choice standing up to evil. And Rey didn't get that. She had to be capital-I-Important in order to be important. And her reward? She got to claim a different Important identity.

I'm sad. I'm taking this hard. It was rough hearing people in the theater clap and cheer and the Reylo smooch and say "That was so much better than the last one" as the credits rolled. This was a mess of a movie. There are so many things in here that could have been likable and fun if it didn't come off so much like a haphazard dash of retreat into banal safety.

Maybe it's just because this is a weird time of year for me. Today's the 25th anniversary of my dad passing away, and it's from my dad and his memory that I first loved Star Wars. I saw the Special Editions on their opening nights. I saw the Prequels opening nights, the Sequels opening nights... I inhaled huge parts of the EU as part of my early love for sci-fi. I played many of the video games quite a lot, and when I'm playing Warframe's new Empyrean update, my instincts as a starfighter pilot go back to how I played X-Wing and TIE Fighter. I've got some crazy machined hero prop lightsaber in a custom design. I once built a set of Mandalorian armor just so I could wear it for Halloween once. Star Wars has been a huge part of my life.

And this one really sucked and wasn't fun.

Anyway Sheev fucked a Cats and got Space Toxoplasmosis and that's why his body was all fucked up.

[Fontra]

Emperor Pumpetine

[Fontra]

did you think that when you posted this thread 18 days ago that it would experience a rebirth as the Palpatine Fucks Memorial Cybershrine

No, and I am so grateful this is what it has turned into.

[Fontra]

Okay you know the other funniest thing about this movie?

Rey buried Anakin's lightsaber in THE SAND AT THE END! LMFAO

[Fontra]

Darth sexious

[Factory Factory]

I'm sad my megacorporation hollywood blockbuster turned out soulless.

[Perrydotto]

I'm sad my megacorporation hollywood blockbuster turned out soulless.

see I'm sad about that because the previous one very successfully pretended/attempted to have soul and this one feels like a big "oh just kidding" after that

[Fontra]

the force gave him a unending erection

[Factory Factory]

UNLIMITED PLOWER!!!

[Fontra]

I'm sorry I'm just empty quoting at this point, there is just a lot of gold right now.

[The Ghost of Ember]

i haven't seen the movie but the main thing that makes me go 'sigh disney' after reading spoilers is this:

Didn't like Rose? Don't worry, she is completely sidelined and doesn't do anything also Finn gets a third love interest who is black instead. That way no racial mixing at all!

hollywood is generally pretty cowardly when it comes to showing interracial couples, but disney is particularly spineless. considering finn was teased with not one but two potential interracial relationship and they backpedaled on both is by far the most craven thing i've ever fucking seen.

[Perrydotto]

and that "just kidding" feels very much like the shittiest of the fans were being caved in to, like, oh no, no worries, all that stuff that made me seem like we wanted to do something different and mildly challenging was just kidding

that woman you think is so needlessly powerful and independent, well look she's not independent at all and has no agency, her fate is just determined by old men from the original movies in the end it's cool

that Luke who you think was portrayed as being too flawed and troubled, well look now he's super dignified and mentor-ly and he mentions nothing of his previous concerns you can enjoy how cool he is it's cool

those two characters who happen to be man and woman who just had a tense bond as nemeses, nah well look now he sacrifices himself heroically for her and they have a kiss because that's what you all suspected anyway and tension between man and woman has to result in romance yeah it's cool nothing nuanced here

And so on

[Perrydotto]

"craven" is a good word to describe the Rose situation

but no worries we added a 3 second moment of two lesbians kissing that was so insignificant we accidentally didn't edit it out for China and nobody in China cared

[Factory Factory]

Sheev calls his dick "the hate"

[Factory Factory]

just out of frame he is cupping some balls

[Perrydotto]

I'm happy for Ian McDiarmid

[Perrydotto]

what a legacy