RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

[Perrydotto]

You're still being unfair to yourself now, though. What will beating yourself up like this solve now? Did anyone say they don't want to support you anymore? I can only speak for myself but I got your back. You need it and you deserve it.

[Madeline]

You're still being unfair to yourself now, though. What will beating yourself up like this solve now? Did anyone say they don't want to support you anymore? I can only speak for myself but I got your back. You need it and you deserve it.

I’m afraid of doing all the same mistakes I’ve always done, I guess. I was really unnerved that I spiraled down like that months after I finally got some good help. I’m still worried about it. And I don’t want to upset people. When I post here I just want to help other posters have a good time, even if I’m not the best or funniest poster. I don’t know, maybe I still think that by beating myself up I can show self-awareness and stop myself having a breakdown, but it doesn’t work that way, does it? I just want to be well.

What you said means a lot to me.

[Perpetual Motion]

Just remember that recovery isn’t a straight line. Everyone has ups and downs, and even if the downs are large, they don’t negate the overall upward trend. Just try to keep your head up, keep getting help, and remember that things will get better.

[Madeline]

Just remember that recovery isn’t a straight line. Everyone has ups and downs, and even if the downs are large, they don’t negate the overall upward trend. Just try to keep your head up, keep getting help, and remember that things will get better.

Thank you. That means a lot to me, too. I hope you’re doing better.

[BackgroundPony]

Haven't posted in here for quite a while, or at all since the forums implosion and reboot. But I played the Life is Strange prequel, and then I went back and played Life is Strange again, even though I should know better. Not to spoil anything, but there's a lot of tragedy and raw emotion in those games.

And I'm struggling to decide if feeling emotionally torn up is better than feeling emotionally flatlined, which is my usual state. Would be neat if happy was an option, but my needle only seems capable of pointing at sad, angry, or zero. The neutral state seems like it's already trying to creep back in, and I'm almost trying to hold it back out of a desire to feel something, even something uncomfortable, over feeling empty.

I probably shouldn't be pushing it. The week started with what I assume was a real depressive episode. Totally drained and could barely function at work. It receded after a few days, thankfully. I don't want to push myself back into that. But the only other option is back to grey nothing equilibrium again.

[Madeline]

Haven't posted in here for quite a while, or at all since the forums implosion and reboot. But I played the Life is Strange prequel, and then I went back and played Life is Strange again, even though I should know better. Not to spoil anything, but there's a lot of tragedy and raw emotion in those games.

And I'm struggling to decide if feeling emotionally torn up is better than feeling emotionally flatlined, which is my usual state. Would be neat if happy was an option, but my needle only seems capable of pointing at sad, angry, or zero. The neutral state seems like it's already trying to creep back in, and I'm almost trying to hold it back out of a desire to feel something, even something uncomfortable, over feeling empty.

I probably shouldn't be pushing it. The week started with what I assume was a real depressive episode. Totally drained and could barely function at work. It receded after a few days, thankfully. I don't want to push myself back into that. But the only other option is back to grey nothing equilibrium again.

I just wanted to say that I hope you’re hanging in there. Just do your best and try to take care of yourself when you can.

[BackgroundPony]

I just wanted to say that I hope you’re hanging in there. Just do your best and try to take care of yourself when you can.

I am, thank you. I'm used to dealing with it after many many years. Like living with a permanent injury, you just learn to work around it and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I try to be thankful that it's just a low-key depression, even if it's chronic, at least it's not debilitating and I can still continue to hold a job and plod onward through life. But yeah, sometimes emotional things really hit me out of nowhere, and sadness just tries to drown me. It's like being painfully slapped awake out of a bad dream. Not sure if I'm hurt or sort of thankful? But anyway, yes, hanging in there.

[Perpetual Motion]

I'm not doing so hot right now. I'm stuck in this loop of depression, anxiety, and avoidance that just leads to more depression and anxiety. I need to take a break from stressful things and get my brain back on track, but I can't. I've already used up my available sick days at work, and considering that I work for Walmart, I doubt they're going to be very sympathetic to my situation. I don't know what to do. I've worked so hard to scrounge up this job, and I can't afford to throw all that away by quitting. I can't afford to wash out of yet another thing in my life. I'm trapped with no prospects and no hope.

[Madeline]

Remember what you said to me?

Just remember that recovery isn’t a straight line. Everyone has ups and downs, and even if the downs are large, they don’t negate the overall upward trend. Just try to keep your head up, keep getting help, and remember that things will get better.

That applies to you, too.

[Perrydotto]

I can only second that. Rooting for you a lot, PL.

[Perpetual Motion]

I’m mostly worried that taking the necessary steps for self care will require me to sacrifice the material progress I’ve made in the last year. Gotta love living in a capitalist hellscape where your worth is dictated by how much money you can make, as is your ability to live comfortably without mooching off of your family.

[Geomancing]

Ever since Dad died in May of 2016, I've been having this long feeling of kind of coasting along but not really having much control of what's been going on. I had left my then-job the November before he passed, so when he was diagnosed in March-April I was able to be available and help out. In the last year my mom's been dealing with multiple surgeries on a replacement knee, including being out of the house for four of the six months from September to February. We also had a number of financial issues from flooding, to large replacements of utilities, to one of the horses and both dogs dying, so I got real down in the dumps about how I wasn't helping out.

Logically I know I am; I'm doing the cooking, taking care of the horse, and all the rest but I still have this deep thought lurking in my head about how I'm just living off mom's retirement money while sitting on my butt and playing video games and doodling. It came to a head a few days ago when I said some hurtful things so I've been taking time to think instead of just burying it under distractions.

I've decided that since I can't get a job, I'm going to do more stuff around the house, things I've let go for far too long. I'm working on cleaning the house thoroughly in probably a year; mowing the yard and starting to cut back the brush and briars along the fence line; I pulled Mom's saddles and tack out of the barn and am polishing them after sitting dusty for... possibly ten years or more. Trying to do things that are constructive. So far, so good.

[Madeline]

I wrote a really long post and I don’t want to detract from anyone else’s problems or sharing, or make anyone feel that they shouldn’t share, so I hid it to make it easily skippable. Content warning: descriptions of abuse and assault. If those upset you, please don’t read this, I don’t want to,upset anyone.

I had a bit of a breakthrough moment this morning, but it wasn’t a pleasant one. The only way I’ve ever been able to function in my life is to compartmentalize the shit out of everything. So when I was introduced to the well-meaning but simplistic model of “mental illness = regular illness,” I fixated hard on that idea. I can be willfully oblivious at times, because it’s often the one way I can get through the day without thinking about negative things.

So I’ve been in some form of counseling or therapy for 7 and a half years now, off and on. This is not counting all the times teachers sent me to see child psychologists in school for acting out. In all this time, I approached it like getting a diagnosis of pneumonia. You know how it goes: you get sick, go to a clinic or to see your GP, they check it out, give you a diagnosis, and then you follow their instructions and take whatever they prescribe, if anything. And then you get better.

That’s the way I approached my mental problems. You go to a professional, get diagnosed, follow the steps, and then you get better. It isn’t really wrong. It’s just that I never bothered thinking about words like “major depressive disorder,” “generaliized anxiety disorder,” “OCD,” and “complex PTSD” as anything beyond the abstract, because I compartmentalize everything out of habit. Or else I tried to think of it as a direct cause and effect relationship. “I was told I have depression and I don’t feel anything. Therefore, it must be anhedonia.” Like, again, not necessarily wrong, just simplistic. But I took it on faith that if I dutifully did what I was told, at some point, I would get better.

It’s like homework for me. That’s not a good thing. It’s the unpleasant stuff you finish as fast as possible (or put off as long as possible). All of my life, I’ve either learned something quickly, and thus didn’t need or want the repetition; or else I couldn’t understand the subject at all (math and physics) and it just felt like wasted time ramming my head against the wall. I recently learned I have a learning disability related to math as part of some other unrelated exercise I was doing. It would have been nice to know in school or college, when it mattered.

So, brief recap, I approached my problems the same way you approach having a disease or going to school. Except with the way I compartmentalize my life, it’s like this: as long as I think I am making progress, I’m fine. Things are relatively stable. The second something goes wrong, my model falls apart. I’m not “getting better” if I’m feeling bad. Therefore, I’ve done something wrong. Or else I spiral down so fast that I go to pieces before I can start rationalizing the shit out of everything.

I mean, I’m not surprised that people don’t believe me sometimes. Look at that sentence up there, “my problems.” I am talking about PTSD and I make it sound like I stubbed my fucking toe. You know one of the things that sets me off? People laughing too close to me in piublic. It’s a very specific thing and it sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Sounds fake. It’s not just any laughter, I have to be thinking that someone is mocking me. The second I have that reaction, I’m suddenly 10 again and I’m just emotionally crushed and useless and remembering some very bad things like they’re happening right now. It’s terrifying. Having to evacuate from a forest fire was less frightening. I knew exactly what to do: make sure everybody is packed and ready to go, make sure the important documents are safe, and make sure everyone is ready to leave before the reverse 911 call comes. An emergency you can see coming can be dealt with, efficiently, even. (I always know where all the fire exits are and have an escape plan. I’m that sort of person.) And the fire never got to us, in any event. When it’s random chance, I don’t do so well with that.

So the thing is, I always understood what was going on in my head on an abstract level. Because I could liken it to a disease, it was simple to deal with that way. It was all packed away in its compartment, to be dealt with when necessary, and only when necessary. But I didn’t really understand on an emotional level, until I couldn’t sleep this morning. I got stuck in my own head, ruminating on shit, and since I can only afford to go to appointments once a month, I looked some things up online, in hopes of finding some coping tips I could use to get me by until next week.

Considering how rampant a problem self-diagnosis is (and not just for mental illness), I must be the one doof who only bothers to look at lists of symptoms not just after the fact, but years after the fact. That’s funny, to me, at least. A little silver lining. But I didn’t think about what they meant before. Like, look up the common problems you see for abused and neglected children and that’s me. That is my life. Every time I ever lied to myself or to someone else because it was easier than admitting something uncomfortable or pathetic, every time I got upset because someone laughed the wrong way or because I had to take off a piece of clothing in an academic, medical, or professional setting, the fact that I don’t like to be touched, the fact that I don’t make friends or personal connections very easily at all, the fact that I’m not even sure I feel love or know what it feels like, my tendency to just feel like an unfilled emotional void that craves attention all of the time, and especially the fact that I always feel different than everybody else. I’m almost (not quite, but almost) a checklist.

Like, I spent most of my childhood vacillating between living in daydreams and fantasies for as long as possible, throwing destructive tantrums (like, unsettling throw your desk at people level anger), making gross sexual jokes all of the time, believing I would go to Hell for even thinking about sex, and just completely withdrawing from everyone around me. How did none of the people I got sent to ever pick up on this shit? People would ask me questions and I would be contrite and sorry, and then it kept repeating over and over again. My parents punished me for being in trouble all the time. I was a terrible kid, to be fair.The child psychologist said I was shy about my speech impediments (stuttering and lisping) and I got put in a remedial program until they gave me an IQ test and shoved me in the gifted program instead. But nobody acted on these giant red flags. I faked sick as often as I could get away with it so I could be home by myself all day, and nobody said anything.

Like, these sorts of realizations often get framed as some kind of big, positive turning point in mental health narratives, like a eureka moment. It does not feel like a eureka moment. It feels like some asshole punched me in the kidneys and stomach and the back of my head. Even the thing where I liked to frame it as being a survivor of abuse (not a victim!) now seems like another form of denial. Because one girl wasn’t capable of understanding personal boundaries, and two other selfish assholes didn’t care, I’m still living with the snit they did to me. Every decision I’ve ever made, all of my emotional experiences, my habits, my quirks, my good qualities, my bad qualities, all I can think about right now is how my behavior was shaped by these fucking disorders and I didn’t even realize it myself. Even after being in counseling. Even after being in therapy, for God’s sake. Trauma comes up in every story I’ve written, as does anger (and sometimes, horrible violence), and I still didn’t twig to it. Even after writing who knows how much over the years about it, somehow it never landed emotionally, and I feel like a mess.

But there is one other thing that I feel like doing. I have been trying to work up the courage to do this all day. I have always been afraid to talk about this, because I was afraid no one would believe me, or that it would be used against me. But right now, I’m thinking it’s important to share. So let’s do this. Let’s go.

These are the people who abused me. This is going to be uncomfortable. Please stop now if you haven’t already if it will upset you.

1) I was one of the kids who rode the bus every day. I didn’t have many friends, because I acted “too girly” (gee, I wonder why). So often I had to ride up front, behind the bus driver. There was an older girl who rode with us on some days. She was developmentally disabled, and severely so. I had to sit next to her because no one else would. I was 8 but she was much older than me. She had a habit of hugging me, which I didn’t like, but the bus driver thought it was cute. Even though I didn’t like being hugged by a stranger, the bus driver and my parents told me to suck it up.

So it escalated. She started pulling me into her lap and kissing my ear, and I really didn’t like that. And then one day she pulled me into her lap, and I remember the sun was in my eyes enough that I was squinting. She smelled like sour milk and she was breathing on me and cooing things at me. She hugged me and out her hand in my pants. With the bus driver right in front of us. I froze. I couldn’t do anything. When my stop came, she didn’t want to let me go, and the bus driver started to go up the road past my house. Somehow that broke it, and I screamed that she needed to stop. The bus driver took it as me being a brat and yelled at me, but she let me off, and I ran ho,e as fast as I could.

When I tried to tell my parents and the bus driver, they didn’t believe me. That girl wouldn’t hurt a fly, they said. “It’s just hugging, why do you have to be such a mean little brat?” Was the bus driver’s hot take. I have come to forgive the girl, because I don’t think she fully understood what she was doing. I haven’t ever forgiven the bus driver and if there actually is an afterlife and a hell, I hope she’s rotting in it. It probably makes me a bad person but whatever. I threw tantrums for the next six months until my parents finally agreed to let me ride my bike or walk to school, depending on the weather. We were only about a 15 minute walk to the elementary school, anyway. Once I had permission I never rode the bus again, except for field trips.

2) I didn’t have many friends, but I had a few. One of them would invite me over to watch cartoons after school a lot, and he would let me look at (but not touch) his huge toy collection. He was one of those kids who got spoiled rotten. He had most of the Transformers, he had two different Voltrons, he had Castle Grayskull and those bigass G.I. joe jets. That sort of thing. But we got along okay. I remember we watched cheesy old Hanna-Barbera cartoons on the USA Express show, mainly Blue Falcon and Dyno-Mutt.

One day he invited me up to his bedroom to see his rock collection. He had one of those mineral sets with like little examples of a geode, iron pyrite, and so on. One of them was sulfur or sulfurous (I don’t remember, but it was yellowish-white) and we were laughing about how it smelled like rotten egg farts. Then he said he wanted to play doctor, and whatever, I was 9, it seemed a little babyish but I went along with it. He got me bent over his bed and got my pants down, and I was getting uncomfortable. Then he said he wanted to take my temperature. He had a stick ready to go as a “thermometer.”

After it was over I told him I couldn’t play more, that I had diarrhea, and I locked myself in their upstairs bathroom for about 20 minutes. I shoved a bunch of toilet paper in because I didn’t know what else to do. Finally I said I was still sick and ran home, and I never went back. But I also didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I’ve never wanted to confront the guy or even speak with him again. I don’t think it would do any good. We were both children but I also won’t ever forgive him. He violated my trust in other people in a fundamental way.

That Christmas, he actually walked over to my house to give me a Christmas present. At the time, I actually felt really bad that I couldn’t afford to give him one in return. Jesus Christ. That was the last time we ever spoke to one another.

One of his friends from high school is on the sex offender registry. I don’t even want to know.

3) When I was in 5th grade, they sent all of the students to the nurse’s office for scoliosis testing, as the school did every year. Whatever, it was a reason to be out of class for 20 minutes. When I went in, there was a new dude doing it compared to past years. He never introduced himself but I remember he was middle-aged looking and balding. He looked a little bit like Dan Castellaneta. He had me take off my shirt, as you do, and bend over, as you do. Then he said he needed to recheck, and by the way, could I take off my pants? They were in the way. He was worried about my breathing, he said, it might have something to do with my spine.

So I complied and he put a stethoscope on my chest and shoved his hand in my underpants. For scoliosis testing. Right. I froze again and I was already pretty passive. His hand was ice-cold so I just stared out the window. I think people can smell it on you. He did his thing for about 5 minutes and then he told me that I shouldn’t worry, my lungs were fine and my spine was good. Like maybe I’d feel bad about my spine, or because it sounded professional. Fucking asshole piece of shit.

If you are a parent, or are around kids, and your 10 or 11 year old starts making “prostate exam” or “turn your head and cough”jokes, like I did, please ask them why. Please.

So those are my stories. Like a lot of abuse victims, I acted out a lot. I was making my action figures re-enact sex when I was in second grade (after the first incident). I became “that kid” and would lie about being good at ice skating (I don’t know how) or being related to some musician (my uncle never played anything bigger than bars and weddings). I guess I was a perfect target, because nobody believed a word out of my mouth anyway, and people already thought I was weird. I got ostracized hard.

And now I’m not sure there is a “getting better.” How do you get better from being traumatized? You don’t. You learn to cope with it, and live with it. And I am not sure how I am going to process all of these feelings now. But it isn’t some great moment of healing, or a tidy “turning point in a healing narrative,” it’s just messy and I had to talk about this to somebody, even if it was the Internet. My therapists have all known, but that doesn’t feel the same, somehow.

If anyone bothers to read this the whole way, thank you.

[Madeline]

am I insufferable? Do I want too much out of people? Because maybe I do

What can I do to be more likable and not feel 100% alone all of the time? All I want is to be liked and not drive people away everywhere I go

[Princess Flufflebutt]

You are not insufferable. The best way to be likeable is to be you. I like you pretty much already!

[Madeline]

You are not insufferable. The best way to be likeable is to be you. I like you pretty much already!

But maybe I cost people too much energy when I keep breaking down. That long ass post I made was the hardest thing to write that I’ve ever done, and people stop posting. I misinterpret a post in pppp, people stop posting. Maybe I’m too much hassle to deal with, or people are too uncomfortable because I’ve shared too much.

I’m sorry that I posted anything inappropriate. It’s just that, until next Tuesday, I have no one else to talk to, and I don’t think I can go out and socialize right now. I don’t mean to bother anyone. I just hurt a lot but maybe I shouldn’t say so. I’m not important and people have other things to do, and they have their own lives and priorities, and not everyone is going to read every post or pay attention to every poster anyway.

[theGECK]

I just saw this whole post, and I wanted to say I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of that. It's hard! And you've gotten a bad hand dealt to you. I was never abused physically or sexually as a child, so I don't know what else to say, but I'm glad that you're acknowledging that there have been things that have impacted your life and your actions in ways that you don't like and that have been maladaptive.

One of the benefits of being honest about your beliefs about life and the things that have taught you behaviours and coping mechanisms that don't work well, is that you can start to change what those behaviours are. Because it's life and our current behaviours are built out of what came before the work never finishes, but it gets easier, bit by bit.

One of the hardest things to do, when you're not sure what else to say, is to acknowledge that whatever you're going to say is going to feel inadequate and say something anyway. It's really easy to ignore things when it feels like you don't know what to do or say. I've done it to friends before, and I don't remember a single time that it has been something I'm happy about having done.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

The thing is though, you are important and worthy of loving. Nobody should have to suffer in silence, especially after going through something like that. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. I, for one, enjoy your posts in PPPP. I know I haven't done much to show it.

[Madeline]

I just saw this whole post, and I wanted to say I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of that. It's hard! And you've gotten a bad hand dealt to you. I was never abused physically or sexually as a child, so I don't know what else to say, but I'm glad that you're acknowledging that there have been things that have impacted your life and your actions in ways that you don't like and that have been maladaptive.

One of the benefits of being honest about your beliefs about life and the things that have taught you behaviours and coping mechanisms that don't work well, is that you can start to change what those behaviours are. Because it's life and our current behaviours are built out of what came before the work never finishes, but it gets easier, bit by bit.

One of the hardest things to do, when you're not sure what else to say, is to acknowledge that whatever you're going to say is going to feel inadequate and say something anyway. It's really easy to ignore things when it feels like you don't know what to do or say. I've done it to friends before, and I don't remember a single time that it has been something I'm happy about having done.

Thank you. I do have a lot of problems communicating with people, and let things go unsaid for far too long. My default was always to pretend that nothing was wrong with everyone right up until I would start spiraling down, and then I tend to melt down in front of everybody. It’s still a problem. I’m still processing the idea that this is a lifelong thing instead of a disorder with a definitive endpoint, after which I’m supposed to feel better.

I’m taking fluoxetine and I think I’m going to have to have the dosage adjusted upwards again, because I have been having much more trouble coping lately. But I don’t want to keep pretending things are fine for me when they really aren’t, because then I just have bad days like yesterday where I obsess over bad memories and everything just gets out of control.

The thing is though, you are important and worthy of loving. Nobody should have to suffer in silence, especially after going through something like that. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. I, for one, enjoy your posts in PPPP. I know I haven't done much to show it.

It’s okay. It isn’t fair for me to expect people to come running when I’m feeling really alone. Everybody has their own lives and their own stuff to deal with. I feel bad that I do this to people. I also feel bad when I don’t feel strong enough to help everybody, and when posters have problems that I know I am not qualified to help with. Everybody has those moments sometimes. It’s okay to not be a pillar of strength all of the time, even if that seems wrong.

I like,your posts and I think you’re a sweet person, even if you don’t always think so yourself.

[Perrydotto]

It's okay not to expect people to leave everything behind for you, but it's also okay to hope people help you out. You deserve support and appreciation, always. Don't make yourself small.

I'm rooting for you. You're great, and deserve to feel closer and closer to it.

[Mr. Big]

Rooting for you, Madeline. You deserve the best.

[Madeline]

Thank you both. I’m going to keep on trying. Walling myself off from the world didn’t work.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

What they already said! You are rad! And thanks.

[Perpetual Motion]

My mental state has been steadily declining over the last week, so I bit the bullet today and submitted a request for a medical leave of absence at work. The HR manager was understanding, since she has a daughter with Bipolar Disorder. Hopefully the application process goes smoothly. I just really need the time to relax and reboot my mental state.

[Quanta]

Sitting here with my drawing tablet in front of me, but I just can't convince myself to plug it in and just do drawing exercises. I have no problems just sitting here doing drawing motions and getting used to moving my whole arm rather than my wrist, but for whatever reason the idea of committing something even to a piece of virtual paper is a terrifying prospect.

[Perpetual Motion]

I'm such an anxious, guilt-ridden mess right now. I feel like I'm giving up, letting other people down, and taking the easy way out by taking a month off work. I haven't even talked to my parents about it yet, because they're the ones that I'm most worried about disappointing. Sure, I know that this is simply what I need to do right now, but how do I explain that to them? As kind and loving as they've been, I've never gotten the feeling that they ever really understood what I was going through. I don't want to add yet another item to the long list of disappointments and failures I've given them. Part of me just wants to spend the next month hiding in my room and avoid all contact with other people right now. It's not like I have any meatspace friends to see, anyway.

Sitting here with my drawing tablet in front of me, but I just can't convince myself to plug it in and just do drawing exercises. I have no problems just sitting here doing drawing motions and getting used to moving my whole arm rather than my wrist, but for whatever reason the idea of committing something even to a piece of virtual paper is a terrifying prospect.

I know that feeling all too well. I wish I had any real advice to give, since all I can tell you are things that I have a lot of trouble following through on. Basically, you shouldn't be afraid to just make something for the sake of making it, even if you never show it to anybody else. Even if it's "bad", it's good practice and experience and it will make the next thing you draw all the better for it.

[Geomancing]

I'm constantly second-guessing myself with doing things that I mentally set in a category of 'this is something Dad did'. Cooking is one of those, like I have no clue how to use a charcoal/gas grill like he did. I made steaks tonight for Memorial Day; the last time I made some was around ten months to a year ago. They came out really well, and I'm just super chuffed that they did; the last time I near-ruined them by making them way too overcooked and tough.
I'll probably forget how to cook them by the next time I make them, though. :dashv:

[Perpetual Motion]

I managed to talk to my parents about what has been going on with work, and that I'm taking a month off from it. They were very understanding, and were mostly concerned about me isolating myself. I don't know why I'm always so scared of talking to them. They're never really mad at me about stuff like this, but I can never shake the feeling that they're just going to turn on me one day, so I always walk on eggshells around them.

[Perrydotto]

I'm glad you talked to them even though you were scared. That's an accomplishment, even if you might feel silly in hindsight. Please use the time to practice selfcare and do what you need to do be okay, you deserve it.

[Madeline]

I got my meds adjusted, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m sorry I haven’t been of more help to people. I feel emotionally drained and exhausted rn. Hope everyone is doing their best to get by.

[Perrydotto]

I got my meds adjusted, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m sorry I haven’t been of more help to people. I feel emotionally drained and exhausted rn. Hope everyone is doing their best to get by.

You're not obligated to come here and help people! You come first, always, that's not egoistical at all, it's what's right. Please be good to yourself, and do what you need to be okay. That's the most important thing.

[Perpetual Motion]

I thought I understood how my mental illness worked, or at least things went in a predictable enough pattern for me to deal with things appropriately. These last few days, though, have been a rollercoaster. One moment I feel better than fine and full of creative energy, and then within hours I bottom out and just feel sad and lonely. I know that my Bipolar Disorder means that I fluctuate between manic and depressive states, but it's never been this extreme, or this fast. I thought my medication had evened things out, since before this week I had been fine for months, with only minor depressive episodes and no overly manic episodes. In fact, before the last few days, I can't recall ever having severe manic episodes. "Hypomanic episodes" is the term that the doctors used to describe what I usually go through (basically mania, but less so, and with little impairment of judgement or other associated psychotic symptoms). Now I'm not hallucinating or anything, so it might not be full blown manic episodes, but it's making me feel incredibly unstable and weary of how things might get worse.

I'm going to try and get an appointment with a therapist ASAP, but of course things just started going really bad at the start of the weekend, so I can't get ahold of anyone until Monday, and even then I might not be able to get an appointment right away. I just have to sit here and pray that things don't get even worse. I really don't want to end up in the hospital again.

[Madeline]

Things haven’t been going very well lately. I still don’t have a job, so I pawned whatever I could just to be able to keep paying for my own care. I only got $140, which somehow has to last into the indefinite future, so I had to get help from my family for my car insurance and phone bill anyway. I live on the outside of town, I have to have a car to get to interviews and stuff, and I need a phone to be able to talk to employers. I had to show my dad my email folder to prove that I really have been looking for a job everywhere I could, and even then he guilt-tripped me over it (“we don’t have much money either, we’re barely getting by”). I don’t know why I don’t have a job, I’ve had people help me fix up my resume and taken free classes and gone to clinics to learn how to interview better. I’m trying as hard as I can but it’s never good enough. And it’s not like I’m sponging, I do things around the house every day, especially now, while my mom recuperates.

I should never have gone back to college. I’m in the exact same place I was when I enrolled 8 years ago, except now I’m not debt-free or optimistic and excited about my future. I’m still not very good at anything, I still don’t have any real job or life skills, and now that I no longer have any spending money, I feel like I’m stuck living in a box. I can’t go anywhere by myself but the library, I can’t even exercise at the gym. My plants are all dead. All I can do is go outside and walk or run for an hour or two and then it’s right back to being stuck. I’m having a hard time just getting myself through each day, so I don’t volunteer anymore, and that makes me feel like I’m part of the problem with the world.

And even if I wasn’t stuck, there are tons of people out there who are happy to remind me that they think people like me are disgusting. I don’t even want to look at the news any more because it makes me feel helpless and sick.

I should have left when I had the chance in 2013, but I didn’t because no shelter will take a trans woman, and there is no way I’ll ever be brave enough to confront my dad or dare to just leave on my own. I screwed up the only chance I’ll ever have, I probably made people think I’m a liar and a scam artist (instead of just a coward, which is not much of an improvement), and now I’m always going to be that loser who lives at home for the rest of my life. Even if I got another chance, I’d screw that up too, for the same reasons. This area is too expensive, thanks to the tech industry. Where would I even go? I’m persona non grata with my extended family because I’m a queer lefty and they’re all Trump voters. I don’t have any real life friends. If I tried couch-surfing, I’d probably pick somebody who’d dismember me. And even if I didn’t, if I can’t get a job, I’d just be a drain on someone else.

I’m sorry, I know there’s nothing anybody can do to help. I guess I just wanted to feel like my existence matters at all to somebody. And I’m not sure how much help meds or even therapy are when most of my stressors are things I can do absolutely nothing at all. I can’t keep trying without some kind of success to buck me up, but if I don’t try, things will get even worse. But everything hurts and I’m so tired.

[Perrydotto]

Job searching is an incredibly soulsucking experience, no matter who you are. Please don't tell yourself you will never amount to anything, because even just the fact that you are still around and trying despite the pain and the fears is worth something, even if it doesn't feel that way now. Personally, I'm proud of you that you're still trying, and I think you deserve to be proud of yourself for that too. You're not a waste, don't tell yourself you are a waste.

We can't magically fix things for you here, as nice as that would be, but we can remind you that you have worth and deserve good things, and we're gladly here to listen to what you got to say. You're not a scam artist or a liar, you're a person who's struggling and that's okay.

Sending you lots of good vibes. You are plenty brave, and I'm rooting for you.

[Madeline]

I just don’t know what to do when I feel lost and directionless all of the time. It’s been worse the last few days because my mom is feeling better and keeps doing my chores so she doesn’t get bored. Job hunting and exercising don’t take up that much of my day, maybe 4 or 5 hours. So then my options are to play a video game I’ve already played (because I can’t buy new ones), see if I can find a sketchy streaming site or just hit up YouTube, read the Internet and get depressed, or read a book from the library. I can’t write when I feel like this and I don’t have much else to do. There aren’t any free classes I can take going on right now in my city and I’ve already been to all the free stuff a zillion times. The paintings and exhibits I looked at last week aren’t going to look any different this week. I don’t want to be outside in the afternoon because it’s summer and it’s horrible, I only go out mornings and at night.

I just don’t know what else to do. I’m afraid to post anywhere, in case I tire people out by being unhappy or in case I piss off the wrong person and have my life made even worse. I didn’t think I’d still be stuck here over a year after I graduated, and after my instructors told me I was sure to succeed. I’m ashamed of myself for not planning more than a year ahead. I tried emailing my instructors to have someone to talk to, but I’m so “memorable” they didn’t remember who I was. None of my classmates speak to me any more, because they’ve all moved on with jobs and relationships, and I probably made them feel uncomfortable. Every time I see someone online talking about “losers living at home” I die a little more inside, because I’m 41 and still doing that. I know they’re talking about me. I’m even ashamed to be posting about this, because I know other people have it as bad or worse than I do, and I don’t want to discourage other people from seeking support. At least I have a place to stay.

I hope I’m not putting pressure on anybody, because I really don’t mean to be doing that. I know there’s really nothing anyone can do. I just feel so useless and I hate feeling like this. It’s worse than just feeling depressed, because I have actually been putting in work and following every criticism and piece of advice I get and trying as hard as I can, and things still don’t work out. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve done something horribly wrong, or that the universe has it out for me for some unfathomable reason. I know that’s not useful, but I don’t want to keep struggling with no guarantee of success. I want something good to happen. I need something to take my mind off how goddamn awful the world is and every time I find something that gives me solace, it turns out to have been made by human garbage or a bunch of shitty, awful people ruin it and make it fail and gloat about it. I don’t want to have to deal with it anymore. But the only options I have are to deal with it, or give up and hurt people, and that’s not tenable either. I don’t want to hurt anybody.

And that upsets me too, because I keep seeing the whole “cycle of abuse” thing come up in the news, and I wonder, is that how people see me? As some kind of time bomb waiting to go off and hurt somebody? I wouldn’t want anyone to feel the way I do, but what if I’m a monster and I don’t know it?

I’m sorry, I know this doesn’t help anybody. I hope it’s not going to hurt anyone. I just have to talk about these things because I only get to talk about them in real life once a moth and that isn’t helping.

[Perrydotto]

You're always welcome to talk here. I truly wish we could do more for you, but the Cottage is at the very least always here to lend an ear, and if you need any concrete advice please don't hesitate to say so. This is your space as much as anyone else's on here. I hope you keep looking for options and keep giving yourself a chance even on things you're not sure you deserve to try, because you truly do deserve it. I know that doesn't mean much when the deck is so stacked against you, but I want to underline it because I feel it still matters. People not remembering you immediately doesn't mean you shouldn't bug them for the help they are capable of giving, and things feeling like you are too late for them doesn't mean you shouldn't look into them anyway. I'm glad you are still trying, even when you are understandably completely fed up with everything.


PS: I know it's Reddit but it has the occasional good place and this looks like one of them, please take a look: https://www.reddit.com/r/TransLater/
It's a subreddit for trans people past the young adult stage and has folks of all ages, life experiences, etc. - Some ask about advice for family stuff, others are more in your position and have those worries too. You're definitely not alone. Please don't feel too silly or stupid to reach out to more places with genuine support.

[Madeline]

I ended up rewriting this post, because it didn’t make any sense. If I can’t understand it, no one else would.

[Madeline]

I’m just going to say, long story short, that I don’t know what to do with my life any more, and my current excess of free time allows me to unhealthily obsess over everything. I still feel like I have to justify everything I do and who I am to everybody I know, which is exhausting. I need time to rest, but people just keep trying to push me the other way instead.

I don’t really feel up to engaging with a new community. I wish I hadn’t tried for catharsis by writing about my abuse in this thread, because it set me off and all the stress of dealing with family health problems, unemployment, and money issues just made it worse. Am I really a hurtful monster, too? Because that’s what’s bothering me the most and since no one would say anything, I’m afraid that’s what I am. It’s one of the big reasons why I’ve always been afraid to ask people out, that they would think that because I was assaulted, that I must also be tainted or creepy or abusive.

But it’s not a fair thing to ask on the internet, is it? I just want someone to tell me I’m not disgusting, but it’s not right of me to put anyone in that spot.

[Perrydotto]

People here have told you many times that you are worthwhile and good to be around, and most definitely not a monster or disgusting. The thing is that people just telling you that can't take away that belief if you aren't able to listen and internalize it, too. It's a slow learning process, but it's definitely worth following. Don't give up on that, either.

Abuse really ruins and taints our ability to perceive ourselves in a healthy way, because that sense of safety gets completely put through the grinder by abuse. You can't easily trust anyone else anymore, or yourself for that matter. In truth though, the only thing disgusting about your experiences is that someone forced you to live through them. You are not forever tarnished by the experience. It will leave a scar, and it will not be forgotten, no. But it doesn't ruin you for the rest of your life, either. It's a very sad kind of irony but honestly, by being so unforgiving and harsh to yourself about the abuse you experienced, you make it more likely that you perpetuate some kind of harm, especially to yourself.

It can't be said enough: Especially when someone teaches you so horribly that you cannot be loved, trying to have some kindness and love for yourself anyway is the most radical and brave act you can commit. Don't give up on that. You truly deserve it, and you aren't disgusting. It's okay to need support, you need to stop telling yourself it's not okay. You're not putting anyone "on the spot" by needing kindness. Just remember to practice it with yourself, too - Because ideally, kindness comes from all sides.

[diribigal]

But maybe I cost people too much energy when I keep breaking down. That long ass post I made was the hardest thing to write that I’ve ever done, and people stop posting. I misinterpret a post in pppp, people stop posting.

since no one would say anything, I’m afraid

There are two different but closely related things that I want to draw your attention to because I don't think they are healthy or accurate depictions of things.

This is not a forum staffed with hundreds of people who are mostly willing and able to help you personally. It's a tiny forum filled with a handful of people who are dealing with their own things, many of whom care about you personally, but often don't know what to say, or don't have the energy to post, or some other related issue that has nothing, zero to do with you as a person.

And as a separate thing: the flow of conversation being broken up by a mixup can stop/pause a conversation just naturally, especially on a forum, and that's not an indictment of you, it's more related to the nature of interacting on a forum.

I've read all your posts in RUSP and sometimes I refrain from responding because I feel I'm not qualified to address things (I often feel like since I'm not a trained professional, I risk making those who post in here feel worse), or because I don't have time at the moment, or because my own mental issues are getting in the way.

I can say that you're obviously not a monster, you clearly care and are considerate of others, you've been dealt a bad hand you don't deserve, and I don't think you've mentioned anything that would hint at you hurting others, so I'd recommend not worrying about any of that for a bit.